Smelly cat?

There is a habit or maybe more of a pattern that I have noticed people have. They want to tell someone something but they are afraid that the person they want to tell is going to get upset. Sometimes they come to me for advice.  And it goes something like this.

Person B has an offensive body odor and needs to take a shower. Person A is being driven crazy by the smells coming off of person B. But they hesitate to mention it to person B because due to past experience they think this information will upset person B. What should person A do?

Well, the bottom line here is to remember the only person that you absolutely cannot get away from is yourself. Your thoughts and beliefs are with you no matter what happens. If you have to make a choice about who to upset, if at all possible it should not be yourself.

If you do not say anything, then you will continue to suffer every time that person is around due to their strong aroma. AND you will suffer every time you think about it because you will be reminded about how bad it is each time you think about that person. This will lead to negative energy being stored up in your relationship with them. Every thought and interaction will be slightly colored by this energy and it will bring your friendship down.

It is very likely that you are not the only one that has noticed their body odor. So others are having to deal with this unpleasantness just like you are. While the other person probably does know that they are somewhat odiferous, they may not realize that that fact is potentially causing damage to multiple relationships in their life. So, you owe it to yourself, the smelly person and everyone they interact with to say something.  But, what should you say?

Well, there is the part that amuses me. People are worried about how others will react to what they have to say, but they feel they need to say it anyways. My advice, invariably, is to phrase things just like that when they take it to the person they need to talk to.

Be mature and polite, but firm. In the above example I would go to my friend who needs a shower and I would tell him that I am concerned that what I have to say may upset him and that that is not my goal. But our friendship is important to me and this issue is very likely to disrupt our friendship if it continues. Then I would mention the unpleasant scent and request that he do something about it in the closest thing to the immediate future that is possible. If he resists or gets offended I would politely tell him that I understand how he feels but that if things continue in this manner I will be forced to go out of my way to avoid future interactions.

The issue does not have to be a smelly friend. The concept works with just about every issue that could come up. The formula as you can probably see, is to lead with the concern about what you have to say upsetting them, so that they know you are aware of their potential to be hurt or angered and that it is not your intention. Then point out how important your friendship is and that there is an issue that is getting in the way of you fully enjoying the relationship. Follow up, with what the issue is and your suggestions and requests for how it can be handled or eliminated. And again, politely but firmly, set an expectation for how you are likely to react if things are not remedied.

If they get upset after you go out of your way to let them know you are not intending to hurt or upset them, it is not your fault, or problem. It is theirs. And perhaps you should be re-evaluating your friendship with them anyways.

Most people that come to me for advice don't really need my advice. What they need is confirmation that they should do exactly what it is that they already believe they should. And that is advice that I enjoy giving.