Go Ju

There are often many different ways of solving any problem that comes up. But when communicating how we want things to be different and what we expect of other people it all boils down to two general patterns. Hard or soft.

When we tell a person why we are upset at them and what we intend to do if things continue along the same course we are often seen as being stiff, rigid and aggressive. If, instead, we mention what happened to upset us and ask the other person in a calm even tone what they can do to assist in alleviating the problem, we tend to be seen as more open reasonable and friendly.

The first method automatically puts the other person on the defensive. They are being told what they did wrong and how you plan to punish them if the same action continues to occur. Their natural inclination is to mirror your attitude. You are being rigid, so they will also. They will subconsciously resist everything you say. Excuse after excuse will come up and probably will serve to do nothing but frustrate and anger you. It is possible that you will be able to browbeat them into agreeing with how you want to see things handled, but it will be grudgingly if at all. And the sad part is you will blame them for being difficult when you were the reason they became hard to work with in the first place.
There are ways in which the hard method can serve you. This is not one of them.

The second method also lets the other person know that something happened that you did not like and that you intend to be proactive about preventing it from happening in the future. The difference is, this way they do not feel like they are being attacked.  To the contrary, you are asking them to join you in being part of the team that tackles the problem. Their defenses never go up.  Instead of telling them what to do, you could ask questions designed to lead them to finding a solution that works for all involved. Then the fix is their idea. It is possible, even likely, that their solution will be the same or even better than the one you came up with on your own.

People like  being part of a team. They resent being told what to do. There is a time and a place for the hard philosophy but it is generally not a good way to handle day to day issues with friends and family. There is a reason for the saying " you can catch more flies with honey". You are more likely to get what you want with less hurt feelings if you at least attempt the soft way first.

On the other hand sometimes being soft will not work. It is an important skill to learn when to be rigid like the mountain and when to bend like the reed. Over time water erodes the mountain, but nourishes the reed. Think about circumstances in your life where you are typically rigid. Think about the responses you get from others when you are this way. Does it work for you?