Tolerance and limits

One of our roommates was planning to be out tonight. It was her night to cook and she asked if I would be willing to cook for her. At first, I was thinking about saying no but did not really have a good reason. So, I agreed to play chef for the evening.

I decided that we would be having home made tacos. While at the store I got all the ingredients that we would need including something that I had been considering trying for awhile. First the meat was seasoned and cooked. Then the cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and onions were all taken care of. Finally, I got out the scotch bonnet peppers we had purchased and began to slice them as finely as I could, seeds and all.

Now it is at this point that the question of tolerance came to my mind. I knew that regardless of how hot the peppers were, that I would be comfortable just mixing them in with the meat. The one person who is not at all fond of spicy food was the one that had asked me to cook due to her intent to not be present. But I had some concerns how the other people eating would fare if I made such a choice for them. So I asked their opinions. All but one person said to make it as spicy as possible. To him I brought a tiny sliver of one of the scotch bonnets. Based on the facial expressions and coughing that ensued, I decided to put the peppers in a bowl on the side rather than mixing them in with the seasoned beef.

His reaction kind of amused me because I had just consumed about five times as much pepper as the amount I had given him and I had no ill effects whatsoever. I rather enjoyed the heated sensation going on within my mouth. It did cause me to think of how pain thresholds differ for different people though. What one person thinks is no big deal another person considers nearly unbearable.

After the food I made tonight, I have reached the conclusion that scotch bonnet peppers are the low end of what I consider to be spicy. And the heat lasts a good ten minutes or so if you do not eat or drink anything else. It was really kind of nice. For me. I can't remember anything else that I have eaten that was spicier. I think i've had jerk sauce that was close to the same. Most foods that other people think are spicy, to me they just are not. So these peppers were like a one or a two on a scale that I hope goes up to at least ten.

Whether it's physical, emotional, or mental pain, we often tell people to man up and just get over it.  We tend to have very little tolerance for what another person's tolerance levels are. But we truly have no idea what that person's level of discomfort is compared to their ability to withstand said pain. What I consider to be a two many other people might consider to be closer to a nine. And while training and discipline may be able to push those limits further back, it is not one's fault where their limits are. It is also not fair to pick on or belittle them for having those limitations. It can be okay to point out the limitations when you see them and offer advice on how to stretch those limits if the other person is interested.

Where a person is, is always the perfect place to be in order to start working towards where they want to be, assuming of course that they are not already where they want to be. And in that case it is still the perfect place for them to be.

Balance is not always good

It is my belief that within each person there is an extremely large yet finite amount of energy. The quantity and quality of that energy is different for each person. This energy has two distinct forms. All of the energy within a person is in one or the other of these forms. For our purposes, in this discussion the terms positive and negative will be used. This energy pairing can go by other names such as, love/not love, light/dark, creative/destructive, and even yin/yang.

The law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created nor can it be destroyed. It can only be converted from one form into another. This is absolutely true of this energy that is within each of us. When we are born, we start out filled from head to toe with love. We are positive energy through and through. As adults this is seldom true anymore. Why?

Believe it or not, the primary reason is due to the fact that people in general do not attempt to create win-win situations with each other. They literally do not care that the other person is unhappy and do not see how it affects them. They simply look for solutions to problems that will benefit them without care for how it affects other people. They reason that it works for them so it must be a good solution. There is more to the situation than that but most people either are not aware of the rest or consciously ignore it.

Let's look at what actually happens. We have a problem. Let's say that before this issue comes up you and I each are completely full of positive energy. We have never had a single negative experience. Then some issue happens. For a time some of both of our stores of positive energy are converted into negative energy due to our displeasure about this issue. Now suppose, I come up with and cause to be implemented a solution that works for me but not for you. I am happy and my negative energy is converted back to positive. I am once again filled with positive energy. AND I either do not notice or do not care that the experience is bad for you.

So after this issue I am still full of positive energy and you are not. You have frustration and resentment over how the issue was handled especially since for you the issue itself may still be ongoing. Now when you deal with issues with other people, you may not be willing to work with them to solve problems due to your bad experience with me. You  definitely are not going to want to work with me to solve problems in the future and if forced to, you are going to look for solutions that work for you with no thought for how well they will work for me. And that will lead to some of my positive energy being converted to negative when the solution is not beneficial to me.

Then we will each go from issue to issue with other people tainting each others' positive energy with negative due to the "required" selfishness that we have each pretty much learned from each other. It goes on and on getting worse with each recursion until eventually there is nearly no positive energy at all and we have the general state of things today with all the hatred, violence and mistrust that we have all created for ourselves.

The negative energy cannot be destroyed. There is no way to "get rid" of it and you can not change the past. What you can do is take new actions, make new choices and new decisions. Seek out win-win solutions in EVERY circumstance regardless of how small it seems to you because you never have any idea how much that thing means to the other person. Each time the other person gets a win when dealing with you, they will be more likely to want to work with you to create a circumstance where everybody wins next time.

When you create a win for everybody involved some of your stores of negative energy are converted back to positive. Do this enough and your energy will approach the positive level it was at while you were a child. Everyday life will become much like paradise. And has it not been said that to enter the gates of heaven one must be as the child?

Go Ju

There are often many different ways of solving any problem that comes up. But when communicating how we want things to be different and what we expect of other people it all boils down to two general patterns. Hard or soft.

When we tell a person why we are upset at them and what we intend to do if things continue along the same course we are often seen as being stiff, rigid and aggressive. If, instead, we mention what happened to upset us and ask the other person in a calm even tone what they can do to assist in alleviating the problem, we tend to be seen as more open reasonable and friendly.

The first method automatically puts the other person on the defensive. They are being told what they did wrong and how you plan to punish them if the same action continues to occur. Their natural inclination is to mirror your attitude. You are being rigid, so they will also. They will subconsciously resist everything you say. Excuse after excuse will come up and probably will serve to do nothing but frustrate and anger you. It is possible that you will be able to browbeat them into agreeing with how you want to see things handled, but it will be grudgingly if at all. And the sad part is you will blame them for being difficult when you were the reason they became hard to work with in the first place.
There are ways in which the hard method can serve you. This is not one of them.

The second method also lets the other person know that something happened that you did not like and that you intend to be proactive about preventing it from happening in the future. The difference is, this way they do not feel like they are being attacked.  To the contrary, you are asking them to join you in being part of the team that tackles the problem. Their defenses never go up.  Instead of telling them what to do, you could ask questions designed to lead them to finding a solution that works for all involved. Then the fix is their idea. It is possible, even likely, that their solution will be the same or even better than the one you came up with on your own.

People like  being part of a team. They resent being told what to do. There is a time and a place for the hard philosophy but it is generally not a good way to handle day to day issues with friends and family. There is a reason for the saying " you can catch more flies with honey". You are more likely to get what you want with less hurt feelings if you at least attempt the soft way first.

On the other hand sometimes being soft will not work. It is an important skill to learn when to be rigid like the mountain and when to bend like the reed. Over time water erodes the mountain, but nourishes the reed. Think about circumstances in your life where you are typically rigid. Think about the responses you get from others when you are this way. Does it work for you?

Buyer's Remorse(not what you are thinking)

The other day two roommates and I went out to an electronics store with the intention of purchasing two pairs of headsets with microphones, for the purpose of playing online games together. We went into the store, got help from a sales associate, did a comparison of all the products available and quickly made a decision as to which product to purchase. I picked up the headset that I intended to purchase and started heading towards the counter to pay for it. The other roommate that was purchasing a headset picked one up and got in line behind me. There were about ten people ahead of us in the line already.

The last roommate said he would be right back and not to buy anything quite yet. He went next door to another store that also sold electronics. A minute later he came back and informed us that next door they sold the same headset at exactly the same price. There were now about five people ahead of us in line. He mentioned that next door there was no line.  I figured that by the time we put the product back went next door and picked up the headset and paid for it about the same amount of time would have passed. So, I decided to wait where I was. The other roommate that was buying a headset decided to go next door and buy it there.

I got up to the front of the line, paid for my purchase and then left the building. I then proceeded to the store next door.  As I was entering my roommates came out. So, some time was saved by my friend going next door to make his purchase, but probably less than a minute.

We headed to our car and started on our way home. I considered the matter finished with. We had left the house for a purpose, accomplished our goal and were heading back home.

Then...the other guy that purchased a headset said to me " I feel kinda bad though".

And I said "what? Why do you feel bad?"

He replied "well, I bought the last of this headset that they had. The sales guy said they don't get them in that often And he just told me he was planning on buying it himself after his shift that day".

The truth of the matter is that my friend did not really feel bad. What he felt was guilt because an action that he took prevented someone else from getting something that they wanted. Of course the employee of the second store could go into the first store and by the headset, but he will not get his employee discount in the first store since he does not work there. And now, for a time at least, each time my friend uses the headset, he is going to be reminded of the other person not getting to use it. My roommate says he felt bad but he obviously did not feel bad enough to change his course of action to make things right.

As I was meditating on this circumstance it occurred to me that this did not need to happen. There was a way that we could have all had a win-win situation. The first store had plenty of the headset we wanted to buy. When my friend found out that there was only one in the second store and that it would have benefited the sales person to be able to buy it there, my friend should have come back and made his purchase at the original store we were in. It would not have cost my friend any more money and then the third person could have had what they wanted as well.

After discussing it with my roommates we agreed that although we did not make that choice this time, in the future we will. And we will look for similar circumstances where by slightly altering our actions we can create a win for everybody involved.

Arch-nemesis

Chances are, if you are like most people, there are other people and things in your life that you do not like. But, if I were to ask you who your worst enemy is what would you say? Would you tell me about the evils of the company that holds your mortgage note? Or maybe you would sell me on the idea that your boss is the devil. Maybe your spouse's best friend or some co-worker drives you up the wall. Perhaps you think the biggest negative influence in your life is the government.

There may be unpleasant things about each of these things I mentioned. But, I promise you, your worst enemy, your arch-nemesis, the greatest foe of your life, is you. There are outside influences that affect your life. They are real. But they serve as challenges and things to overcome. But it is what you think and do about those challenges that determines the course of your life. The only limits that exist are those that you allow to be placed upon you.

For example, the bank putting your home into foreclosure isn't something designed to ruin your life. They are not out to get you. For them it is simply business. When you fail to make the payments that you have agreed to make, it is not their fault or their problem when the foreclosure process starts. They are committed to making money and to following whatever course of action they need to in order to continue making money.

We want to blame others and make things their fault. It is not like the bank tricked you. You have a contract with them that clearly states that you owe them a specific amount of money and how much you are to pay them and when. It is common knowledge that when a "homeowner" does not make their payments they do not get to keep their home. It is not a surprise that there is a consequence to not making payments. Vilifying the bank over this is not fair to them

However, it IS your fault that the payments did not get made. Letting things happen in such a way that you did not create the additional income required to keep your payments up to date is your fault. It might have been a tremendous task to undertake but I guarantee, if you were fully committed to it that it was possible for you to find a way to come up with the money necessary to keep your home. But it is easier to blame the bank.

Let's say you take your car out for a drive and get a ticket for speeding. After the fact, it is pretty common to act with outrage and to blame the officer who wrote the ticket. Why? He was just doing his job. You know that there are consequences for your actions. He did not generate the circumstances that caused you to get a ticket. You did.

Every circumstance in your life for which you blame someone else for messing up your day or trying to destroy you is really a circumstance in which you play the victim. You tell yourself a lie that the other person took away your power. The truth of the matter is that no one can take your power away from you. You have to give it to them. You are directly responsible for nearly every bad circumstance in your life. How you react to what happens to you determines what you will get out of life. Blaming someone else creates an external face to wear the mask of evil. But the truth is, they are just an excuse that you use to hold yourself back so you can validate your reasons for not being successful.

Be honest with yourself. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for the choices and mistakes that you have made that have had less than favorable results. Once you do this you can learn from those mistakes and begin to move forward, making new and better choices. Then instead of making excuses for failure you can start succeeding in all aspects of your life.

Urgency

Have you ever noticed that most people really have no sense of urgency when it comes to making improvements to their personal life? It seems as though procrastination and complacency have for the most part annihilated the importance of making things better. This seems to be true even amongst many people who have admitted that they want to and intend to achiever higher goals. People reason that with modern medicine they are likely to live into their upper eighties. There is plenty of time. Why rush it?

What do you mean why rush it?! Why put up with living in poverty or unhappiness or fear if you can have a better life? Why not have a better life starting right now?

What if, somehow, you were to wake up one day in exactly the life you have now, in your very same body, with all the memories and thoughts that you have now and all of the exact same circumstances but with the absolute knowledge that this was the very first day of your life?

What would change about your life? Would you handle things in the same ways that you do now? What would you think about the choices that had been made up until the point where you "woke up"? Would you resent the choices that were made  before you awoke? With a possibly fresh perspective on life, would you suddenly be more interested in making things better? Would you focus more on spending time with the people you loved? Maybe you would put more effort into getting the things that you want out of life.

Stop reading.

Take some time and think about this.

Once you realize how different your life could be if this one change occurred, realize that, every single day of your life, you have the option of making whatever choices and changes that you would make if this did happen. Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. And any day can be the day that you decide to take action to begin making the changes that will turn the life you have into the life you truly desire.

Now having mulled the previous scenario over for awhile, what if you knew with absolute certainty that this was the very last day of your life? What would you do? How would you spend your last day on earth? Who would you spend it with? Would you be facing death with a bunch of regrets and woes of things you wish you had done or said or things that you wished you could take back? The answers to these questions should give you somewhat of an idea of what kinds of changes you should begin making to your life right now.

Today.

Why today? The reason is because you never know what is going to happen. You might have the rest of your life planned out decades in advance but things seldom go according to plan. You could die at any time for dozens of different reasons from accidents to health problems to unexpected violence.
Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. And any day could be the last day of your life. Live each and every day as if they were your first and your last, squeezing every possible drop of life out of every moment and you will not regret it when the end does come.

Focus

When working towards a goal, some of us tend to focus our whole minds and attention on the achievement of that goal to the exclusion of all else. For example, a man may shut out his family and friends entirely while working on a big project, something that once completed will bring in a great deal of money and give him more personal time and freedom to spend with his loved ones.

During this time though, the people that do not get the man's attention tend to feel unwanted and draw away from him. Other people often do not have the vision that he has and do not see the perfectly valid reasons why he is unavailable. After awhile of being what they consider ignored, people begin to feel unappreciated and resentful towards him. His focus is for a good purpose but it is to the detriment of all of his relationships. He wants to believe that the sacrifices he is making will all be worth it in the long run. But what if he loses the people he cares about before the project is over?

What can be done to prevent this? For one, acknowledgement that those he cares about exist and miss him would be a good start. Setting an expectation of when the project will be over and his time and energy will be available for other things would also be good. Probably the biggest step though would be still finding a way to set aside time for friends and family even if it is in a more limited capacity than all involved would like. It shows those people that they matter too.

Studies have been done that show spending too much of your time and energy focused on one thing actually decreases your ability to accomplish that thing. A person needs to have distractions. When talking about learning for example, it has been shown that after the first fifteen minutes of a lecture on a given subject students tend to tune out. Anything not learned by that point generally is not learned. But, if the students are allowed even just a single minute to maybe get up and walk around and focus on something different and then come back to the lecture, learning begins to happen again. Teachers are more successful if they teach in short bursts rather than droning on for long periods of time.

The same thing happens with people at work. After a certain period of time, productivity drops off because your brain loses interest in whatever it is that is going on. It has been shown that people can get more and better work done in a day, if they take a five minute break once an hour. The reason for this is that your mind can more easily find solutions to a problem if it has not been staring at that same issue for hours on end with nothing to break up the monotony.

So while being laser focused on a task is good, it is also good to take frequent short breaks to clear your head and then come back with a fresh perspective. And when you are taking  some of these breaks it is a good idea to let your loved ones know that you are thinking about them and appreciate the patience they are showing you by not being cross with your absence.
Remember, all things in moderation (even moderation).

Are you selfish?

I challenge you to come up with an action that you either do on a regular basis or one that you intend to do that is not selfish.

There are so many words and phrases that get used in the common vernacular that get put in such a negative light, even though the words themselves do not really mean anything bad. Today's example will be the word selfish. A fair definition of the word selfish would be something relating to or characterized by self interest.

In answer to my challenge you could say that you give money to charity. You could say you work to provide a home and food for your family. And lastly, just to try and throw me a curve ball, you could say that on alternate Saturday afternoons you make a list of all the things you can think of to do that day. Then you put the list on a dartboard and start throwing darts. Then you do whatever things end up with a dart next to them
 
At first giving to charity seems like a selfless act. However,  although it is certainly good, it is not selfless. When asked about your motivation you would say that you want to help other people. So you desire to help other people? Yes. And it makes you feel good to know that you are doing something for someone else? Yes. And that is why you do it? Yes. Then you have a selfish motivation for giving to charity. Even though you may be doing the right thing you are not being selfless. Anytime you are giving in to a want or a desire, the thing you are doing is selfish even if it is something that is mutually beneficial.

Working to keep a roof over the head of those you love and food on the table for them is certainly a noble thing to do. It is right and it is just. But it is not selfless. I say this for several reasons. First, if you live with the people you are providing for, you are keeping a roof over your own head and, quite likely, making sure there is enough food for you to eat  as well. It is just as beneficial to you as it is to them. But, why do you feed and house your family instead of just looking out for yourself? You do it because you love them and do not want them to suffer. You do not want them to suffer because you care about them and because them suffering would cause you to suffer. Even if you did not love your family and the only reason you provided for them was because you believed it is the right thing to do, it would still not be a selfless act. I say this because your motivation then, is wanting to do the right thing. You are still doing what you want to do.

By now I am sure you can see where this is going. Making up a list and using some random factor to determine what you are going to do for the day is still not selfless, due to fact that the reason for you coming up with this idea was to fill a want or desire that you had. It is still selfish. Feeding, clothing and sheltering yourself is selfish. Grooming and maintaining good personal hygiene is selfish. Just about everything that everyone ever does is selfish. Unless you can find a way to do something where your want and desire takes no part whatsoever yet you still have the freedom to make choices every act you take will always be selfish.

Anytime you are doing something where you get something out of it, be it physical, spiritual, mental or emotional, where your motivation is want, desire, or preventing something that you do not want or do not desire, the act is selfish.

Being selfish can still mean doing good things for other people. Make no mistake though. I am not saying that being selfish is always good, just as I am not saying that it is always evil. It is when a person does something that is good for themselves but bad for others, realizes that it is bad for others and does not care about it that being selfish is bad. People that frequently make those choices need to be avoided as much as possible. But if you were to avoid everyone that was selfish, you would have to avoid yourself as well as pretty much every other person on the planet.

Do your homework

One of our cars was in an accident recently. The accident was deemed our fault and the repairs to our vehicle were going to be upwards of four thousand dollars. That was not in our budget this week. It was quickly decided that we needed to get another vehicle as soon as possible.

We found someone who was willing to sell us a car that they had for about half of what the repairs on our current car would cost. We were assured that the car was in great condition. It needed refrigerant for the air conditioner but the brakes and tires were brand new.We agreed to buy this car and went through all the paperwork involved including paying up front for the first half of the agreed amount.

The car drove okay. There was an issue with the locks that was a bit annoying but nothing major. The next day we took the car to our mechanic and after spending some time going over the car he gave us a call. He informed us that the air conditioner was not out of refrigerant. The reason it did not work properly was because there was an oil leak that had saturated most of the engine compartment and badly damaged the air compressor. The brakes had not been recently replaced. And not only were the tires not new but they were mismatched. Two of them in fact were not even the right tires for the car.
 It would be about $600 just to make it safe to drive and $2100 to fix everything that was wrong with it. The bottom line was that fixing the "new" car was going to cost us more than buying it had.

The person that sold us the car felt that he was doing us a favor because he was selling us the car for less than he actually bought it for. But he had been trying to sell the car through a used car lot and did not have accurate information about what had and had not been done to the car. He was just repeating to us the false things that the person at the car dealership had told him. We spent a good deal of time communicating with him today about this and have come up with an acceptable alternative that it looks like is going to work for all parties involved.

We are going to get a different car that this person has available. He is going to take the second car to his mechanic to make sure there is nothing wrong with it. Then we are going to bring this second car to our mechanic and have him look it over as well. After that we will take the second car home and continue through with the rest of the original payment arrangement.

There are a lot more details than what has been presented here. This is the short version. But several things were definitely learned today and a thing or two that we already knew were reinforced. The chiefest among them was the mistake we made in taking on faith the words of someone else without doing our own independent research. We should never have paid a cent until after we had taken the car to our mechanic. And after taking the car to our mechanic we would have simply laughed and mentioned that there was no way on earth we were going to pay $1900 for a car that needed $2100 in work done to it when the whole reason we were buying a new car was that we could not afford to pay $4000 to fix the car we already had. In hindsight, I find it both ironic and perfect that both situations totaled up to the same dollar amount.

Seriously. Always do your research. Take what others say with a grain of salt. Use it as a starting point and then look for evidence that both supports and invalidates what you have been told. Only then can you make a truly informed decision. Know ahead of time just what it is that you are getting yourself involved in before you agree to anything in writing or any outlay of cash.

Competition

Today I want to take a look at something that shows up in life all over the place. It shows up in business, in schools, in sports, literally everywhere. In nearly all facets of life there is competition. Whoever makes the most sales gets the promotion. Whoever does the best on a test gets to be the front of the line when going out for recess. Whoever scores the most points gets the better contract.

Regardless of what the venue, we tend to reward those who prove themselves to be better than everyone else. What about second best? What about all the people who honestly put in their all but did not quite make the cut. They all get left by the wayside. Nobody seems to care about them. This method creates a very cutthroat environment where there is no  real reason for teamwork.
 How are we supposed to create win-win circumstances in life with all this competition everywhere?

The simple answer is, you can't. It is not doable. All you can really do is decide not to compete. Competition comes down to judging one person as better than another. And it gets carried to ridiculous extremes with the first place guy or team often putting down others. But the thing about competition is that it always comes down to using very specific criterion to do the measuring of who is best at what. If the criterion changes who is better changes dramatically.

So what to do? Don't play the game. Decide that your life will be played by different rules and that winning is determined by what percentage of your possible effort you put into each thing that you do. Decide for yourself that you are always going to do your best. Commit to giving your all in everything that you do. Do not look at what others have done or are capable of doing. Regardless of how you measure up against other people, if you are doing your best, there is never any reason for you to be upset with your results. You may even find that putting all your energy into trying to be as good as someone else has been holding you back from obtaining your true potential.

In business, do not think that you need to make advertising campaigns and slogans to take business away from others who may be in your same marketing niche. You do not need to tear others down or make claims about being better than the other guy. Do not worry that other people produce more than you or sell more than you or that it takes them less time. Do not compare your product(s) to that of anyone else. If you are doing your all, no comparison needs to be made.

Your product(s) and efforts will speak for themselves. And pretty much regardless of what your market is, there are enough people out there in the world today such that if all you ever obtained were new customers that would still be enough to make you wealthy.  Focus on putting out the best quality product that you can as efficiently as you can and you will be successful. And ultimately does it really matter who is number one as long as we can all be successful?

Puzzles

Have you ever seen someone that you know struggling with an obstacle or challenge that you see a very clear simple solution to? Sometimes you can share your solution and just like that the problem is handled and that person can use that solution to assist them in solving future problems. But more often than not that is not the case. What normally happens is that the other person argues and tells you all the reasons why they feel that solution is not a good one. Why is this?

We all have different experiences during the course of our lives that make us who we are. Based on our inherent talents, our skills, memories and things that we have learned we all solve problems in different ways. Our methods of problem solving come from a variety of things that include both nature and nurture, what we have learned from and about ourselves and from and about our environments. Since none of us have exactly the same experiences in life we do not see things the same way.

Often, even if there is only one solution to a problem there are many ways of getting to that solution. As much as we would like to just give our friends and loved ones the answers to all their problems, it simply is not feasible. Even if you could just give people the answers, it has been proven many times that people tend to place much more value upon something which they have earned than something which they were given.

What you can do however is to learn enough about the people you care about to have an understanding of how they make decisions and then work backwards from your solution, down their line of reasoning to where they are currently then lead them step by step to the solution. This is not always an easy thing to do, but if you find yourself capable of doing it stands the highest chance of them seeing your solution as the right one for them.

Another more commonly chosen way is to describe yourself in their situation. Explain what is was like when you had the same challenge to overcome. Empathize with the issues that problem created. Discuss how you felt and what you were thinking at the time. Then logically walk them down the path you chose showing them how each step you took led to the next step until eventually the issue resolved itself. This method will only work if the other person is open to learning from your experience.

Sometimes a person will prove to be exceptionally stubborn and insist on solving the problem with no outside influence.  You need to and get to accept the fact that some people want things to be hard. Some people want to suffer as part of the process of overcoming difficult circumstances and nothing you can say or do will change this fact. As difficult as it may be, in that case all you can do is stand back and wish them luck.

Personally I would rather learn from others as much as possible.  I want my life to be simple and fun. So when I see other people go through things that I have difficulty with, I learn as much as possible from their solutions. It is important to note though that just giving someone a solution does not help them grow as a person. It gets them past that obstacle but does not help them if the exact same circumstance does not occur again. The key is to teach one another why the solution works for a particular puzzle because that is what leads to learning how to more effectively solve similar but not identical issues.

Don't give a man a fish, teach him how to fish.

Sales

Manipulation

One word all by itself with nothing before or after it. No story or situation presented. But that doesn't really matter does it? Your mind conjures up a story of its own and more than likely it is not a positive one.

Why? Because there are countless stories of people being tricked into doing things that they really did not want to do but at the time, due to the clever shaping of events by the manipulator, they felt they had no choice. In truth, manipulation in this sense, could be considered evil, certainly not good.

There is more to manipulation than that though. Far more in fact. It is not a thing solely reserved for clever tricks and brainwashing others. Advertising, presenting and enrolling are all part of good salesmanship. And selling is manipulating. In order to make an effective sale one must show the prospective buyer that there is  a hole in their life, one that their product can adequately fill. And all we as people do all day long is sell, though you probably don't even realize it when you are doing it.

Advertising is nothing but manipulation. There are tons of commercials showing how great someone looks or how happy they are once they start using whatever product it is that is being sold with it either being inferred or outright stated how bland life is without that product. In some cases the concept is ridiculous but in others the advertising is spot on and the product really does make your life better.  But regardless if you did not buy before the commercial and you did buy after seeing it, you were manipulated. If the product makes your life better be happy you were manipulated.

People believe that they do not like to be manipulated. They say they do not like being sold to. But that is just not the case. Just as the purpose of advertising is to sell you something, many of the products are designed to help you sell yourself to others.  You probably do like being able to get things that increase the amount of enjoyment that you get out of life. If you were to avoid ever being manipulated it would mean avoiding finding out about new things that can make your life better.

Take for example cosmetics, hair care products and other ways that we draw attention to ourselves.  Drawing attention to oneself IS a form of manipulation. You are in a crowded room and you look over and see some guy with gorgeous well maintained hair or a woman with the most luscious red lips thanks to her lipstick. Then you take in their overall attractive shape, tight fitting jeans and come hither look. They have taken the time and effort to discover what it is that other people like and to present themselves in a way that will get a positive result. They are selling themselves to you. Not necessarily in a trashy way, but selling all the same. They want to hook your attention and because they are willing to advertise their best features, they are able to manipulate you into taking notice. Whereas if they did not do those things, they would likely just be a face in the crowd.

Every person who has ever put on a presentation for a room full of people has used his or her thoughts and ideas to manipulate the thoughts and ideas of everyone else present. Whether it was to get a good grade from a teacher and respect from the rest of the class or to close a deal in business, it is all the same.

Everyone who has ever shown someone how an old way of doing something could be improved has manipulated the person they were showing the better way to. In fact any time any person introduces new information to another person manipulation is occurring.

Every time you tell people about all the crappy things that happened to you in a day you are enrolling them in your story. You are selling them on your victim stance so you can get some sympathy.
I am right now using this very piece of writing to manipulate your way of thinking. And at the very least I am manipulating you into thinking. Again I say, all we do all day long is manipulate others.  It is actually very difficult to take actions or to speak in ways that do not manipulate others. Merely by being present you alter the course of what would have happened if you were not there.

It is my belief that manipulation gets a bad rap from a bunch of jerks out there that really do want to cause harm, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can take it back though. And I propose to do so. I am a powerfully positive leader in my own life and I am proud to say that I spend a great deal of time and effort going out of my way to craft my thoughts, words and deeds in such a way as to positively manipulate those around me.  I do this, not as a puppet master, mischievously controlling all those around me, but as a concerned caring person that wants to see the best for all that I encounter.

Join ME.

Working together pt2

The home that I live in was bought by a group of supposedly like minded individuals who all agreed to a certain vision for the world. Originally there were six of us who intended to use this home as a springing off point to bring our vision to the world. And for awhile it seemed like things were going well. The number of people living under our roof increased to I believe twelve at one point. We had weekly group meetings to handle all of the issues that came up each week.

It became evident over time though that nearly all of the people living here were only concerned about petty day to day things and not at all interested in the group vision and goals. We were unable to have conversations that revolved around our vision because certain people would not let us get past simply ridiculous daily problems. Meetings that should have taken no more than a few minutes routinely started taking seven hours or more. People dreaded Sunday evenings and did not want to be there at all. These meetings which were absolutely essential in making it so that our group could continue to exist became something that nobody wanted to attend.

Most of those people are gone now. Of the original six only three remain. There are a couple of other people living with us as well but those are people who are not ready yet to share our vision of change for the world. They are still at the point of focusing inward on themselves and getting themselves the way they want to be first.

My vision has not changed and nor is it likely to. But in the beginning I did not see the power of harmony. I felt that it was okay for people to disagree and have different overall goals as long as they were still willing to contribute to the group when asked to, whether in the form of rent, chores, or simply imparting their knowledge and experience whenever necessary. I have learned that if we are all facing different directions we will not end up going the same way. We all need to be focused in the same direction. I see now that harmony is a necessity. Without harmony group goals are impossible.
The point of this is that we have lived in this house for about seven years. And in the last two years, with less people, we have made more progress towards our vision than we did in the five years  before it.

Before inviting a person to work with you to accomplish a goal, find out if that goal is important to them. Find out if they are interested in the goal just because it seems like a cool thing be able to say that they did or if it is something they find truly worthwhile. If they are not into what you are doing for the same or very similar reasons as you are the chances are good that you should not have them as part of your mastermind group.

To sum up. Harmony is what makes it possible for a group to handle issues better and more efficiently than the same number of individuals that make up the group could. And with even one person causing discord your group once again simply becomes a series of individuals.When in a group, seek harmony where possible. Where it is not, be okay with the results not being any greater than whatever you could accomplish on your own. Or find another group.

Working together pt1

What is harmony and why is it so important? When referring to a group of people and their attempts to accomplish a goal, harmony is the spirit of unity of purpose that the group has in working together to make that goal happen.

It has been found that, two or more people working together in harmony can create results that are vastly superior to the results that those same people could have accomplished on their own, right next to one another but not working together.  Whenever a whole group of people are working together in harmony, something automatically forms as a result. It is  called a mastermind, which is kind of like an extra mind that encompasses all of the ideas and thoughts of everyone in the group. It allows for new levels of creativity and progress that can not and do not exist withing the minds of each individual. In this particular case, it is actually true that the sum is greater than the parts which make it up.

Notice above that unity is mentioned. It would seem to one that knows even the basics of mathematics that five people working towards a goal and one person working against that goal would really just count as four out of the six working for the goal due to the one negative person cancelling out one positive person. But that simply is not how things work. If even one person is out of harmony with the others, the mastermind and all of it's potential stop existing until harmony is restored.

Our federal government when it was brand new, was filled with people who were all committed towards accomplishing the same goals. There was fire and passion and drive towards freedom and independence. The results were nothing short of amazing. We quickly became one of the youngest, most powerful, influential countries in the world.

But when the circumstances changed and we were no longer under the heel of tyranny people relaxed and stop being focused so much on working together. Look at our federal government now. It has grown so large and chaotic that one hand never knows what the other hand is doing much less how to work together in a spirit of unity to get it done.

In a business, a group of ten people can not come up with new and innovative ways to solve the problems that exist within their company if they are not all working together towards that common goal. A single person out of ten can cause the whole thing to fail because their doubts and naysaying inevitably affect others and bring them down too. That is not to say that everyone needs to be thinking the same things or in the same ways. In fact, it is often better if everyone has completely different ideas in many different directions.  The key is that they all need to be committed to accomplishing whatever it is that the rest of the group is committed to and honestly and diligently working towards those goals.

Any group of two or more people working together in harmony can accomplish great things. Those that are not committed need to either be persuaded to join the group way of thinking or persuaded to leave. Whether in government, a business or your own home it works out the same. I know this from personal experience.

Selfless?

One of the most important lessons that a person can learn is that they need to see to their own needs before seeing to the needs of others.  Is this selfish? Yes. It is. But it is the way things should be.

Why do I say this? After all, the common viewpoint is that there is no greater thing a person can do than to be in service to others. I believe this point of view wholeheartedly. But the fact of the matter is, if you die, you lose your ability to directly do anything for others.

This is why they tell you in the emergency instructions on an airplane to put the breathing mask on yourself first and then see to those of your children and other loved ones. If you perish trying to save your loved ones then you can no longer do anything for them. The fact of the matter is people go unconscious from lack of oxygen before they die of it.  If they go unconscious while you are putting your mask on there is a very good chance that you will still have time to get them oxygen before they die. IF on the other hand you decide to save them first, you may end up unconscious before you can save yourself. AND your child may not be able to save you because they may not understand how the mask works.

In the first situation there is a good chance that you will both survive. In the second there is a good chance that both of you will die, because once you perish you cannot control what happens in your child's life anymore.

Now this specific situation isn't likely to happen to you during your lifetime. But I have found that when situations get complicated and difficult to sort out it often helps to take things to their furthest logical conclusion.

Notice, in the beginning, that I did not say people should not look out for the needs of others. I simply said they should see to their own first.I have found that most people think and believe that they are for the most part selfless and do things for other people. But when push comes to shove the facade evaporates and you see that most people really are out for themselves. They just are not willing to publicly admit it unless forced to.

You want to be selfless and up until a certain point that is possible. Under circumstances of extreme pain whether physical or emotional the desire to survive tends to trump all other goals. If this were not the case, people would not break under torture. And it is often why relationships end. The level of pain escalates to the point where self preservation becomes more important than whatever you get out of the relationship. Nothing is more important than avoiding the destruction of mental faculties that will occur if things continue. When you are comfortable and pain free you can talk all day about how you want to be in service to others and how important it is to be able to take care of your loved ones. But if someone douses you in gasoline and sets you on fire, figuratively or literally, the only thing on your mind is going to be making the pain stop. Once the fire is out and you have recovered you can go back to focusing on others. But until then look out for number one. OR there won't be a number one.

Are you on the same level?

Have you ever found yourself getting deeply into a discussion about something that you are very passionate about and realizing about half way in that everyone around you is just kind of staring blankly at you because they have no idea what it is that you are talking about?

This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time. And what was worse, I had no idea why they were lost. It seemed to me that the things that I was talking about were often not that complicated. I mean sure they were based on something that was based on something that was based on something. But if you knew and were familiar with those three somethings, then the thing that I was talking about seemed self evident. Okay, so maybe it was kind of complicated.

Even though I knew it subconsciously, it took me a long time to realize that we all have different experiences in life that make us who we are. Every single thing that happens to us helps us to form a frame of reference for what goes on in our life. Every single person's frame of reference is different. And if your frame of reference does not include similar experiences to the person that you are talking to, when you get into certain topics you are sure to lose them. Even now, I need to be reminded of this from time to time.

There are two basic ways to prevent this. The first is to ask questions to determine the other person's overall general knowledge of the subject that you want to discuss. That way you can tailor what you say and how you say it to the specific level of knowledge that the person you are speaking to happens to have. Depending on the person this could be quite a long onerous process.If the other person has partial knowledge of what it is that you want to discuss, this is usually the better way.

The other way is to assume that the person is a completely blank slate and has absolutely no knowledge whatsoever about the topic of which you wish to speak. In this case, you can treat everyone the same. You start at the very beginning and step by step get to the more complicated stuff, once the listener has indicated that they understand and agree with the first part(s). At any point the listener can inform you that they understand the part you are explaining and you can move on to the next point. OR at any point they can ask questions to increase their level of clarity. I prefer this method because I enjoy treating everyone as if they were equals. It usually takes a little longer but I do not have to memorize four or five different ways to explain a thing. If you properly explain all of the steps leading up to a thing, when you finally get to your point, that point will seem natural and self evident.

Doing either of these things may seem like a hassle but if you want people to be into the kinds of things that you are passionate about then you are going to need to be able to talk to them about those things without them constantly looking at you like you just grew another head. That way you can share the things you love with the people you love and you can grow and enjoy life together. And isn't that really what we all want?

Growing Up

When most people are young and in school we promise each other that we will be great friends forever. Then "life" happens and somehow years later we find that we no longer associate with any of the same people we used to know. What happens to cause this?  To really understand that, you need to understand what it is that drew you together in the first place.

You are naturally drawn toward people that have the same interests as you. You like a lot of the same foods, so you tend to eat together. You like the same styles of music so you jam together with your tunes, either in a band on your stereo or both. You play the same games, watch the same movies and read many of the same books.

The more things you do together, the more you have in common. And the more you have in common, the more you want to do together. You play, live, love, learn and grow together. Over time your experiences together form what seems to be an unbreakable bond.  After awhile, you really can not imagine living without one another.It is usually what happens though.

A couple of people in your group may go off to college in different states. One person may have to go out of town to take care of family. Another may spend 16 hours a day trying to keep a family business running. Soon there is just one or two of you left, reminiscing about what you all used to do together in the old days.

All of the things that you do together and all of the people that do them together become your social circle. I think of each collection of activities and time spent together as the core of a sphere and each person as rotating around that sphere. There are an infinite number of potential spheres as there is an infinite number of potential groupings of people and activities. And the way I see it, when one or more people no longer spend the time in that group doing those activities together, they naturally spin off from that sphere and into another one.

It is technically possible to hold a group together that is physically no longer able to spend as much time together. You can call, write, text,email, video chat, share every little thing you do on Facebook and Twitter and make frequent visits  to one another. But it will never be the same as when you all used to hang out together because there are so many other things going on in each individual life that you do not have the time to share with everybody all the time. Most people say that they will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going but when it comes right down to doing it, they do not. And that is okay. Yes, it is possible, but generally not worth the time or effort and usually just ends up adding enormous amounts of stress and strain on these relationships.

The time and effort that gets spent trying to keep a person locked into an old social circle prevents you from enjoying the people new and old that are in your social circle and prevents that person from fully enjoying the new sphere that they have spun off into. Do everything you can to spend as much time as possible enjoying life with the people in your sphere. But when circumstances natural or otherwise cause someone to no longer fit in your group, wish them well and let them go. It is nobody's fault. There is nothing wrong with you or them. Sometimes these things just happen. It may seem sad or even unfair at the time, but sometimes room needs to be made for new growth. Not everyone grows at the same time, same rate or even in the same direction, even if we have exactly the same experiences.

And that is why people very seldom remain lifelong friends with their school buddies.

Power up

The world constantly bombards us with data from every possible angle. First there is all the commercials on TV with all of the latest fashion trends for make-up and clothing, not to mention the shows themselves.Then there are  infomercials, health alerts as well as local and world news. Then in our personal lives we have all of the relationships both ours and the statuses of others. Finally on the internet there are things like email, Facebook and Twitter. With all of these things combined, we are always being hit with tons of raw information. Informative as most if it is, it is also mostly useless junk, that serves no purpose other then to clog up our minds and keep us distracted from our goals.

If we are going to focus our minds on any one specific goal, we get to learn how to tune most of the noise out and feed our heads what we want going into it. What you put into your mind determines what you get out of it. So while it may not be possible to shut everything out, you can streamline things. IF, like me, your goal is to constantly improve your life and the lives of those around you, then whenever possible, what goes into your head should be positive and uplifting. You should watch, read and listen to things that support your vision.

Do not watch hours a day of uneducational television. Instead of watching all of the depressing things going on in the news, watch inspirational movies like Pay It Forward, The Freedom Writers, Dead Poet Society, Gran Turino or The Pursuit of Happiness.

Read books by authors that have accomplished things that you want to do. If you are into sports read books that were written by successful professional athletes. If you aspire to be a world renowned chef, read books by people like Gordon Ramsey or Wolfgang Puck. Whether you want to be a motivational speaker or even just to improve conditions in your own life, read books written by people who have accomplished these goals, people like Les Brown, Bob Proctor, Jim Rohn and W D Wattles to name a few.

I personally do not watch much television, but I do love to read. And I have started reading works by authors that have made their life about self improvement and empowerment. The ideas in these books have caused some changes in the way I think about things and have caused me to look for ways that I can make more positive change in my life.

Earlier today I was thinking about the impact that music has on my life and realizing that I should make a list of empowering motivational songs and then put them together into a playlist. It took me about two hours of online searching, through lists of songs that other people had put together, to create a list of around 85 songs that I both like and find motivational and empowering. While doing this I noticed a couple of things that I found amusing. First, many people were suggesting the same songs. Second, due to my eclectic taste in music, many of the songs people were suggesting I already have on my hard drive. And I am sure when I go through my music to build the playlist the size will probably double. This playlist will help me focus on my goals and assist me in creating the future I want for myself and my family.

I challenge you to make these same choices in your life. If you do, I promise you will see a massive shift in your ability to focus on the things that matter to you.

Judgement and value judgement

A conversation about judgement happened, the other day, in our home. We were discussing whether or not we were still in agreement about the vision statement that we had formed for our home a few years back. One person said that they felt that a certain part of the statement should not be there because it seemed to be there for the express purpose of using it to judge people.

Our mission statement is as follows:

We the people of  "Grok the Planet " are committed to changing the world, one soul at a time. Our goals are to constantly continue to grow and improve ourselves emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially as well as physically and to encourage others to do the same. We will achieve these goals by each one of us being a leader, living in excellence, being impeccable with our word, not making assumptions, not taking things personally and striving to do our best in all things.

This fear of being judged brings to mind several other fear based issues that this person seems to have, self esteem and possibly acceptance as well, things we can discuss at another time. We quickly assured this person that judgement was not at all the reason for that part of the statement. And it really is not. The whole vision statement is a declaration of intent. It speaks about what we stand for and a little about how we intend to reach our goals.

But as I think about it now, this statement is also a yardstick through which we can measure how we are living our lives, individually and as a group. We can measure our vision against our recent actions and see if we are living up to it. It occurs to me that it IS a tool for judging how well we are doing. And I can see where someone that fears judgement could see it as a potential weapon that could be used against them.

The kind of judgement this person fears is that they will somehow be unworthy of acceptance or labeled a bad person or something along those lines due to not measuring up. The things is that just is not the way the others of us think. We believe that it is not any man's right to judge another person for you never know what is truly in their heart or mind. One can only fairly judge themselves.

Now having said that, it is really not possible to interact with other people on a regular basis and not place value judgements on the things that they say or do. Those value judgements do not say anything about that person as a whole. You are not making them out to be a villain, subhuman or in some way unworthy of being liked or loved. You are just more or less describing whether or not you agree with the choices that other people make.

The intentions of our statement are clear. And from time to time, we will be using our mission statement to determine whether or not we are doing what we say is important to us. If we are not, we will be talking about that and deciding whether or not what we want has changed. If it has, we will get to renegotiate our agreement one way or another. If it has not then we will discuss how our actions get to shift so that they are back in line with our vision.

Value judgement will occur and things that one might not like to hear may need to be said. If this does  happen it will be in a spirit of love, with an intent towards constructive criticism in the hopes of either keeping the harmony within our home and vision or restoring it as the case may be. Harsh destructive criticism and judgements intended to tear a person down and make them feel small have no place in our home.

Learning

Have you ever taken a martial art and wondered why it seems like you do the same few moves hundreds if not thousands of times? Or you may have noticed that in role-playing games, either computer or pen and paper, a lot of what you do is the same thing over and over? Travel to point A. Fight just about everything you encounter. Loot the corpses. Then rinse wash repeat for points B through Z? Or how most songs are a few lines of verse then a chorus and a few more lines of verse and the chorus again. Repeat ad infinitum.  In school grammar and arithmetic are pretty much the same thing year after year from elementary to high school.

Do you know why all those things operate under the same general principle of repetition?
In martial arts the theory is that if you do a thing thousands of times it will become a part of who you are and after awhile you will no longer need to be afraid in dangerous situations. You will be able to protect yourself and those you care about by instinct.

Songs generally have a chorus so that there is a part that will stick in your head and be memorable.
Role-playing games have you follow the same formula over and over to simulate what happens in real life.  No you probably don't travel around in real life brandishing a claymore, slaying tons of monsters and equipping yourself with the items they drop when they die. But you do use the experiences that happen in your life to grow stronger as person just as you do in a role-playing game.

And last but not least you do the same things year after year in school building just a little bit more each time on what you learned last time, because that is how we as people learn, through massive repetition.

That's right all of these things are connected because they tap into how we accept new data into our lives. When we are children we learn to speak a language by hearing countless tens of thousands of conversations going on all around us. We learn the alphabet by being told over and over what each letter is. Once we learn what letters are we learn what words are by seeing the letters of the alphabet shaped into words again and again. And we learn to read by seeing the printed word and being told what words make what sounds repeatedly. We learn through repetition. People that learn faster need less repetition. But very few people ever learn anything all the way through the first time.

Have you ever read a book then had a couple of years go by and then read that same book again and got something completely different out of it? It's not because the book changed in any way. It is because you are not the same person that you were when you read it the first time.

When you find yourself doing some repetitive task that you think is boring and you just do not see the point, instead of tuning out, try asking yourself, what could I possibly learn or be learning from this experience?

The power of the negative pt2

Something else kind of interesting about the subconscious mind is, if you describe something as being not like another thing the other person's mind will associate them as being alike.The reason for this is because when you describe to another person what something is not, first they have to imagine that it is that way or they have no frame of reference for what it is that you are saying. And then once they have the image in their mind of it being that way, it is often too late to change the first impression that they have.You can logically say that you understand the difference  between a thing and not that thing but in reality, your subconscious mind never really understands or parses the word not.

If I start a business presentation with you where I compare my company with a similar company and I tell you all the ways in which our companies are not the same, the surface of your mind will hear and understand me, but the subconscious part that drives your motivation and decision making process will decide that they are the same despite my words.

I describe the ills of company A by saying that the products are shoddy the service is poor and the prices are too high. Then I describe company B(my company) by saying our products are not shoddy the service is not poor and the prices are not too high. Believe it or not, to your subconscious mind I have just stated that both companies are the same.

On the contrary, If I tell you that our products are superior, the customer service is fantastic and our prices are the best in the industry, then I have told you that my company is way better than company A. Here, I focus on what our company is instead of what it is not and it works to make a clear distinction between the two in a way that the other method could just never accomplish.

Now having said all this, I did learn one rather sneaky way to use this information, while listening to a mentor speak today. It relies very heavily on this idea of your subconscious ignoring the word not. It is true that most people hate being sold to. As a result of this, when they think that you are attempting to enroll them in your sales pitch they will naturally resist things that you tell them to do.

IF I say to you to imagine having the freedom to spend more time with your family and to imagine you are finally financially secure and imagine you are able to go on vacation whenever you want, if you think it is part of a sales pitch you will naturally resist my request. BUT if I instead say, aren't you sick and tired of not having enough time to spend with your family? Aren't you sick and tired of not being financially secure? Aren't you sick and tired of not being able to go on vacation whenever you want? It forces people to imagine those very things in order to be able to have a frame of reference to be able to answer the questions.

By using this tool you can get them to the right frame of mind to show them how your product or service can make those things possible for them, how what you have to offer fulfills a need that they have making the eventual sale a win-win for everybody involved.

The power of the negative pt1

You have within you the power to do anything that you set your mind to as long as you focus on moving toward what you want and not getting away from what it is that you do not want. What does this mean?

Let's look for an answer in the findings of an interview that was done with one of the most successful women in history, Oprah Winfrey. This is a simplified version of what happened. She was asked why she worked and her reply was that she loved what she does for a living. She gets great joy out of being in service to others. When asked why she works out she said to avoid having a big butt.

If you think about it in terms of a line graph how has her career been? It's pretty much a diagonal line, starting at nowhere and ending up with her on top of the world, not a lot of starts and stops just consistent improvement over time. Now let's do the same thing for her issues with weight over the past couple of decades. This starts to look more like a roller coaster with lots of ups and downs.  Why is this?

It's simple really. When focused on something we love there is a constant drive to improve and better oneself. On the contrary, when we are attempting to get away from something, being fat for example, we work really hard until we start to see results and then we tend to breathe a sigh of relief, relax and stop focusing so much on it. What comes next is a return to the habits and patterns that caused the thing that we were struggling to get away from in the first place.  It is part of how we are programmed. But through conscious decisions we can choose to act in such a way as to change the programming.

Loss is perceived by our brain as a negative thing. When you lose something what do you automatically tend to do about it? You look for the thing that is lost. So when you lose weight your subconscious tendency is to "find" it again. Avoid this by moving towards being healthy and in shape rather than moving away from being fat or unhealthy.

If you get out of a relationship with someone that has a whole lot of traits that you don't enjoy, it is more empowering to seek out someone that has good traits than it is to focus on not getting someone with the same bad traits the previous person had. In fact, if you focus on NOT ending up with someone that has those undesirable traits, you almost certainly will get the exact same type of person you were with before.

When you make a list of things that you do not want you are actually telling your mind that you do want them and setting yourself up to have the same results you had before. So perhaps you would be better served by simply making a list of the things that you do want in your life and striving to achieve them

Let's try a couple of fun examples. First take a couple of deep breaths. Then as hard as you possibly can, do not imagine a flying purple hamster. Next do not imagine a pink elephant on roller skates. Then do not imagine yourself seated in first class on a Boeing 747 .  And finally, do not imagine yourself surrounded by a huge pile of money.

I bet you failed to not think of those things. In fact if you are playing along and being completely honest with yourself, I am sure of it. That's okay though. It just goes to show that your mind really does tend to ignore the word not.

Should I start my own religion? pt2

I firmly believe that if there is an after life people that live positive uplifting lives will have a good after life. But my religion would not focus on or in fact even have any mention of such things. Since my faith revolves around making the world a better place and improving life for all, there would not need to be anything about guilt or original sin.

Things that I believe. The universe provides. We are never given more of anything than we can handle. We are all here for a reason. Worship of a deity is not necessary.  The whole universe is one being. Though it does not have its own arms and legs, the universe is alive. It seeks to express itself and to continue growing through enrichment of life everywhere. Prayer and gratitude bring you into oneness with the infinite all mind that is the universe.

There is a book, called The Science of Getting Rich,  that very clearly states the formula for getting exactly what you want out of life. It was written a little over a hundred years ago but the words and ideas expressed within it are timeless. In reading it recently, certain things resonated with what I already believe to be true. I have ever since I was a teen believed in the concept of resonance that I mentioned in a previous post. In short what it boils down to is if you think about positive things the universe brings you positive things and if you focus on negative things, you get negative things back but the way the book words it made it so much more personal.

1.     There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original  state,  permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.
2.     A thought in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought.
3.     A person can form things in his thought, and, by impressing his thought upon formless substance, can cause the thing he thinks about to be created.

I always thought of the universe as far away and kind of disconnected like Alpha Centauri or the Crab Nebula. The energy that I sent out to it, I always envisioned as covering some vast unknowable distance, finding harmony somewhere out there and then making this enormous trek back to me. This quote however, allowed me to see that it is more like the universe is all around me at all times, constantly supporting and uplifting me and waiting for me to impress upon it my thoughts and desires of the way life should be.

So I wondered, as founder of this religion, about increase of life to all and positive harmonic resonance with the universe, what would my title be? Many of the typical religious apellations seem haughty and presumptuous. Priest would be an acceptable term, except to me, it implies one who is too religious and not worldly enough. Reverend comes from the idea of a person who is to be revered. As humble and unassuming as I am, I want no such thing. In fact I believe and want to promote the idea that we are all equals, no man or woman any  better or worse than any others. Father implies an authority figure and that those without the title are in some way not equals. Though it does bring to mind the average monks in olden time who were called simply brother. If we are all equals then we could all be called brothers and sisters. So I would be Brother Jim. The only greater title would apply to the universe. It would be our Big Brother and to it we would all be little brothers and sisters.

The key thing here is that there would be no real priests. Yes speeches would likely need to be given and instruction set forth as words on paper. But we are all always already doing the great work of the universe. As we strive to live and succeed we give breath to the desire for increased life that drives the universe.  It would be less religion than simply a positively focused way of life.

Do you like or agree with my points of view? Feel free to comment and share my posts with others.

Should I start my own religion? pt1

We established sometime ago in a previous post that I am in fact insane.  If further proof of that concept bothers you, read no further.

All day everyday data is received into our brains and although we may have a hard time recalling things at certain times, none of it ever really leaves. It just sits around waiting to be useful.

Sometimes, over long periods of time, connections between seemingly unrelated pieces begin to form into an overall picture that you would never have ever thought of putting together.

Here are some of those things.

I believe, that in my infancy, I met the being that the Christians call God. I gave up a chance to remain where he was in order to be in service to and of use to people here on Earth, not slavishly but in a loving, giving and uplifting way. I believe that there are many many benevolent spiritual beings that are greater than man and that very few if any crave worship. Having met a god, I cannot truly be an atheist and agnostic while close does not perfectly describe me either. My personal preference has always been to say that I am not religious, though I am a deeply spiritual person. A great deal of my adult life has been spent in studying many different religions as well as a search for personal enlightenment, empowerment and overall enrichment of life for myself and others.

A lot of in internal work and forging has occurred to bring me to the point where I am today. And while the path never ends, I believe that I am a perfectly designed tool for improving the world and the lives of those who live upon it. Yes, I said it. I'm a tool. And I am proud of it. But where is the proper venue for this tool to be put to best use?

It would seem, at first, that the best way to change the world in a positive manner would be through politics since nearly all government seems corrupt in one way or another.  But there is so much red tape involved in getting into politics. A great deal of it comes down to a popularity contest one which often devolves into mud slinging. And even once you finally get your foot in the door, it seems that it is impossible to get anything done without shady back room dealings. That is not for me. Besides politics is more about making laws that govern life, not about living it in a positive way. I have tried to see myself as a politician and I just can not do it.

What about religion? It would seem to be a lot more my speed. Though most current organized religion is often more about guilt and manipulation than good living. So maybe I could start a new religion, one with a different overall framework. When I was younger, I was a Jehovah's Witness for several years, at a time when I had no friends. As a result, I would take my Bible to school and read it in my free time. Some of the kids used to make fun of me, calling me Reverend Jim. I laughed it off but never really thought about it at the time. And at some other point in my life there was jokingly a Church of Jim that included the philosophies of myself and another Jim with whom I was close friends. Now, though, I can very easily see myself as both priest and teacher of the good word. But what word would that be?

Have a great...

Would it creep you out if we were having some kind of social interaction and at the end of it, just before parting, you said to me "have a great day" and I replied with "have a great forever" ? Would your mind automatically assume that I was suggesting you were going to be dead soon? I mean even to my ears it sounds a little off. My meaning though is not nefarious in any way. Perhaps it is more something to just jolt people out of their everyday autopilot system.

Take a minute or two and think about it. People tend to respond to social niceties like robots. There are commonly used phrases that we are programmed to reply to with the appropriate ending to the equation that the other person began by speaking.  When greeted we reply back often by reflex, without thinking about what we are doing.  We are told that this is normal and what we should do.

They say hi, we say hi. They do something we say thank you, they say you're welcome. They say have a nice day, we say have a nice day.

While I agree that we should return kindness with kindness and a polite greeting in kind as well, I think the reflex should be cancelled. One should never reply without a bit of thought about what the person said to you and then some reflection on how we feel about what they said. Then, after that we can reply with whatever is true for us. It will only take a couple of extra seconds. And then the interaction will actually mean something to both parties, instead of  being some archaic formulaic ritual that we observe. Slow down, take the extra few seconds. It will make life richer for all involved.

Now having said that, when I think about the phrase have a nice day, at first, it seems like polite and generous well wishing on the part of the giver.  But then my naturally overactive mind goes, but what about tonight, or tomorrow, or the week after next or next year. Does the person's benevolence towards my well being die out in just a small handful of hours? Surely if you were to have a private conversation with whoever it was that wished you a nice day they would say they never really thought about it.

It is something though, that I think we should think about. Language is very important. It is an essential part of communication and since we all live in our own little worlds inside our minds, we need to be very clear what it is that we transmit from world to world when we have such opportunities to communicate. If you really do wish positive things upon another person and want their lives to be the very best they can possibly be, why stop at today? Why not wish them a happy forever?

Up until now this has just been a thought swirling around in my head. From this point forward I am going to make a point of changing my speech patterns to include my true desire for other human beings and that is for them to be happy all the time, not just today. And if you agree with my way of thinking, then I encourage you to do the same.

Have a great forever. And talk to you again soon.

A Return to Love

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

The above quote is often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela. It actually came from author Marianne Williamson in her 1992 book A Return to Love.  To me, where the words come from really do not matter. It is the words themselves. They are so awesomely powerful, so beautiful and full of positive energy, it brings tears to my eyes nearly every time I read them. Over my lifetime of empowerment, I have read literally tens of thousands of quotes by thousands of different people from all walks of life and this one is my favorite.

A family member and I were talking today about the things that are happening in her life lately and about how massively good things are for her right now. She was telling me how they are shaping up the way she secretly always wanted them to. Things are happening that she has hoped and wished and focused on for so long, but never really talked about.

Why did she never talk about them? Because she did not believe they could happen, even though they were what she wanted more than anything else in the world. She couldn't or wouldn't admit them to any one for fear of ridicule or of being told that she was being silly or any one of a hundred other reasons.  But some of those things could have been made to happen a heck of a lot sooner if they were things that she had voiced. I am very happy that things are going so well for her but a little sobered that they took so long to happen when they did not need to.

And thinking about that reminded me of the above quote. Just the first two lines are so full of lessons that we could learn about life. People do not resist change because they fear failure. Often, what they have already is failure. Change does not need to happen for failure to arrive.They resist because they are afraid to succeed, afraid of who it is that they have it within them to become. As long as people stay the same their lives stay the same. What a person already has is familiar and controllable. People are afraid of how different life would be if they had all the awesome things that they say they really want.

You are probably not going to ever be truly happy though if you do not reach for what you want. So, who are you not to be, brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous?

Who?

Terminology

Religion is somewhat of a touchy subject with many people.  Though I thought it might be good to point out where it is that I stand, especially since I have several posts talking about the personal power within a person to be a god and another about the universe providing.

Over the course of my life, I have studied many religions and in nearly every one of them there were good ideas and ideals and also things that I felt were lacking.  Most religion has an organized structure that tells people what is acceptable and what is not. The parts that explain how to be a good person I agree with and I love many of the stories that embody these morals.

I do believe that there are higher powers than man. For the most part I do not believe that they seek worship. I do my best to be a good person and to improve the lives of others around me. And that will have to be enough.

The main problem that I have with religion in general is, even though it may not be intended, people are taught that they are just victims, that they have no control over their lives. They are taught to forget about the bleakness and sadness of this life and to just soldier on.

And I find that idea horribly repulsive. No matter how awesome the afterlife may be,  nobody living remembers it. For the living, this is all there is. So I think that we should do everything we can to enjoy the lives that we have, to make them as awesome as possible.

Does that mean that I think we should chaotically run rampant and trample over the values of those that feel otherwise? No. I think we should still follow the words of a great yet humble man that declared "An ye harm none, do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" . I think that all peoples of all faiths should live together harmoniously and do our best to make the world a better place.

The concept of a single all knowing and somehow decidedly man-shaped being makes sense to a lot of people. To me the concept that the universe itself (all of it together) is a single super conscious being makes sense. By my words and actions, I mean no offense. So when I say universe, you can supplant the word that means single all knowing being to you. It matters not to me if your word is universe, god, prophet,the spirit, flying spaghetti monster, or hyper-intelligent squirrel. The concepts and ideas that make sense to each are their own to decide. And just because a thing does not make sense to me does not prevent it from being perfection to another.

If it is truly belief that shapes what is and we truly believe in our symbol, however we choose to view and accept it, then it is real, even if only for ourselves.

Let not the word I choose to describe that thing prevent you from accepting the message behind what I say. If you can change that one term and suddenly what I say seems acceptable, then my perspective and yours really are the same.

If not then it's time for jihad!!!

Just kidding.
Love, light and peace
till next time.

The universe

The universe provides.

I do not remember where I first heard that statement. But it has been the cornerstone of much of my philosophy about life. And In my personal life I can say without the slightest bit of doubt, that it is true.

Whatever it is that you really need, a way to obtain that thing will be provided. Now maybe, when the opportunity comes along, you might decide not to take advantage of it because of how it looks or strings that may be attached. But salvation will always be offered.

Have you ever noticed, that some people just seem to have all the luck? Good things always happen to them and life just seems so easy for them?  I would be willing to bet you money that whoever it is that you see that has their life work that way believes as I do that the universe provides. It is not luck. It is positive thought driven by faith.

A friend of mine always shakes his head when I go on about this because he sees that for me it is truth but for him it is not. And all I can really say about that is he does not have faith in anything unseen. He's a huge math nerd and very logical about things.  We are both very intelligent and know a great many things about the world. But I know there is much more to the world than what can be seen and heard. There are things that can only be felt and directed by one who has faith that things will turn out in an acceptable way.

The best decisions that I make are often made when they are done on the principle of faith alone. It is important to know where you are going and it is important to plan how you are going to get there. But the decision to get somewhere has to come first. After all no person has the time or inclination to plan out every single step of every possibility for what they could do before deciding to do something new. The fact of the matter is that you want something. Declare that you will obtain it. Do not worry about how. How will come along afterwards.  The universe will provide the way if you provide the desire.

What has occurred to me only recently is that in not wanting to seem greedy, I have never asked much of the universe, just enough to get by. And I have been very successful, in just getting by. I was content to just float through life neither rising nor falling, just maintaining.  It has also recently come to my attention that many of the things that I would like to do are not going to happen if this habit and pattern continue.

The universe and I get to have a new conversation.  If you have been reading along with me for awhile now, you may know that, I feel my purpose in being is to positively impact the lives of as many people as I can for as long as I can, as part of a goal to make the world a better place.  Making a few hundred dollars a month is not going to make that happen.  I have discovered that I can do more for the world with wealth, than I can without it.  My desires are changing and as such my results will change. Having found the vehicle that I intend to use to create that wealth, now it just falls to me and the universe to make it happen.  The universe will provide the plan and I will take the action.

Am I human pt2

Awhile back I wrote about part of an experience that happened when I was two years old. This is the other part of what I remember. And yes I am aware that what you are about to read seems like some crazy made up fantasy.  But I believe every bit of it to be true and those that really know me know that I would not make something like this up, especially considering my beliefs on the judeo-christian myth.

So the child forty feet or so below me ceases its cries for help. Suddenly, I feel an urge to be elsewhere. And suddenly I am. At first it seems dark, but as my eyes adjust, the darkness slowly falls away, peeling off bit by bit. Until at last, there is  brightness is everywhere. It is as if the ground the sky and everything around me are made of white light.

At first, this is disorienting and I stumble around blindly, not knowing where I am and having trouble differentiating between the ground and the air and things lodged within one or the other.  As the eyes tend to shy away from bright lights automatically, at first, it is difficult to look anywhere and focus on any one thing. Gradually my perception shifts and I begin to see each thing as its own light and to sense the places where one ends and another begins.

Yet somehow, even while stumbling around, I was heading in the right direction or maybe every direction lead to the same place. At some point though I feel the urge to stop moving forward. I do so and looking up from the ground in front of me, I see what looks to be the oddest shaped mountain in existence. The first thing that I notice is that this one immeasurably tall thing is a white gold in color as far as the eye can see. It is the only thing in this place that is not a plain white. It is also far brighter than all the white that I have seen so far. The intensity is such that another period of adjustment is required for me to be able to look upon this mountain without pain. Oddly enough, I find that I can not look away from it.

And then, a great sound, from too far away to possibly imagine, reaches my ears. The volume is such that I am certain anyone for easily ten thousand miles can hear the words, but I know they are meant solely for me. The air and everything around me literally vibrates with the deep, powerful, yet gentle rumbling of this voice. It soothes and caresses while also querying.

Suddenly, in my mind's eye, I see this enormous mountain that I have been straining to see all of. It is impossibly large. In my mind I see the whole of it and I realize that it is a brilliant gold being seated upon a throne of white.  As far up as I could possibly see before it got lost to my field of vision, the part that I perceived to be a mountain, was merely this being's right sandal and a couple of toes.
While taking all this in, I realize that I still have not answered this immense being. In fact, though the words completely surrounded me and massaged my very being, I had not yet considered them.

They came yet a second time.

Would you like to stay here?

All around me was at peace. There were others in the surrounding area. All were happy. There was no fear, worry, sadness, loss or pain. In fact now that I was really thinking about it I knew I was surrounded on all sides and in all ways by love in its purest form.

It truly would be pure bliss to stay here I thought. But I can not.
"No", I replied "there will be people that need me"

...and then a child woke from a coma in a hospital somewhere in south Florida. And I was once again that child.

The power of the memory of that experience is still enough to bring tears to my eyes to this day. Whether dream or out of body experience it somewhat blows my mind that at not even three years old I had the presence of mind to give up that wondrous possibility for even a brief time to choose being in service to others. It hits me that I felt I could not accept the peace and tranquility yet, because I had a duty to perform first.

Yet, every time I think about it, my belief that I am here to make the world a better place becomes stronger and stronger.

Despite what others may think of this tale, I honestly believe that my spirit directly interacted with the being that the Christians worship. But I am not a Christian, just a good Samaritan.