Before getting around to the answer to this question, first, what does punctual mean? No, I assure you, it does not mean using question marks, commas and exclamation points in the right places. That is proper usage of punctuation and while that is a very important part of communication, it is not what this topic is about.
Being punctual simply means being on time for whatever engagement you have agreed to arrive for. On time, not two hours late, not thirty, ten or even one minute late. You don't have to be an hour early, but if you are even one minute late, then you are not on time.
So, what? You're a few minutes late. Who cares right? It's not that big of a deal is it? Well that depends on what kind of message you are attempting to send the person you have the agreement with.
See, most people spend nearly the entirety of their life attempting to increase the amount of money that they have. We all have monthly bills and it seems like money is a limited commodity. It isn't though. Through creativity and hard work you can acquire more and more money. Even so, there is more money in the world than you could ever hope to accumulate. And even if that weren't the case, we can always just print more. Money is nothing but a symbol.
Time on the other hand is different. There is an infinite amount of time, but not for each person. Each person only has so much time in their life. Whether you measure it in breaths, heartbeats or minutes, a person will only ever have so much.
And every moment that a person wastes waiting for you to show up is a moment that they cannot get back no matter what happens. You can offer to "make it up" to them but there is truly nothing a person can offer that is equal to not having that time anymore. So, every single time that you are late, you are stealing time from someone else. You are stealing life, just like a vampire, but without the fangs.
Not only that, but you are telling the other person just how selfish you really are. You are telling them that you don't care about them and what matters to them. You are telling them that whatever it is that you are doing that is making you late is more important than whatever it is that they wanted to do.
Is being punctual important? I can't decide that for you. I guess it depends on what kind of message you want to send to others. For me it is important. Theft of vitae + massive disrespect seems like a recipe for loneliness to me.
To be fair, life is complicated and it is not always possible to keep your commitments exactly as they are scheduled. But if one event is running over and keeping you from the next thing that you are supposed to be doing, common courtesy is to let the next person waiting on you know what is going on and whether or not to still expect you or if you need to reschedule, before you are late not after.
Showing posts with label person. Show all posts
Showing posts with label person. Show all posts
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Ask before you tell.
"You can only boost a man up a ladder if he is willing to climb"
That's a recent quote I found inside a fortune cookie. And while it may not be perfectly worded it is very true. The people in our group do their very best to help other people whenever possible, but what often happens is we spend a great deal of time and effort struggling to provide assistance to someone that isn't even looking for it.
We each have our own beliefs as to what life should be like and even those of us with similar visions still don't see things exactly the same way. And quite often we get stuck in our own head. We take it for granted that other people see things the same way we do and that they think the same things we do. So with this image of how things should be, we offer to assist others in coming more in line with our vision. But they refuse the assistance and we become momentarily confused.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. There's a whole bunch of different ways of saying it. They all basically mean the same thing. Don't waste your time attempting to help or change someone that doesn't want it.
A lot of people, women in particular, tend to decide that they know how a person, generally a man, ought to be. And with the right manipulation, they think that they can change that person into exactly who he should be.Without asking him what he thinks, or giving him a chance to say how he would like to be, they begin the long arduous process of turning him from the person he is into the person they want him to be.
Typically, somewhere along the way arguments spring up because she pushes him in a direction he has no interest in and often does not have any idea why she is even pushing him in that direction. She says she is doing it for his own good. He disagrees. They fight. She gets hurt because she feels she is doing the right thing He gets mad at her attempt to control him.
Her vision and his vision are different. If they sat down and talked about it, there's a chance they could unify their visions and work towards the same goal. But as long as she has a secret agenda that he knows nothing about she is going to want him to change in ways that he has no interest in and he is not going to understand why she is offering. People are the way they are because it is how they want to be. You are not going to get a person to change without them agreeing to, without them deciding for themselves that change would be good.
The problem here comes from assuming that one knows what is best for another. And that is something that is very rarely ever true, at least where adults are concerned. If you want to assist a person first find out if they are open to assistance. Ask questions. Be clear on what it is that they want and what it is that they do not want. If they do not want coaching, guidance or support your efforts to provide those things are guaranteed to fail. If they do not want to change, don't try to change them.
That's a recent quote I found inside a fortune cookie. And while it may not be perfectly worded it is very true. The people in our group do their very best to help other people whenever possible, but what often happens is we spend a great deal of time and effort struggling to provide assistance to someone that isn't even looking for it.
We each have our own beliefs as to what life should be like and even those of us with similar visions still don't see things exactly the same way. And quite often we get stuck in our own head. We take it for granted that other people see things the same way we do and that they think the same things we do. So with this image of how things should be, we offer to assist others in coming more in line with our vision. But they refuse the assistance and we become momentarily confused.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. There's a whole bunch of different ways of saying it. They all basically mean the same thing. Don't waste your time attempting to help or change someone that doesn't want it.
A lot of people, women in particular, tend to decide that they know how a person, generally a man, ought to be. And with the right manipulation, they think that they can change that person into exactly who he should be.Without asking him what he thinks, or giving him a chance to say how he would like to be, they begin the long arduous process of turning him from the person he is into the person they want him to be.
Typically, somewhere along the way arguments spring up because she pushes him in a direction he has no interest in and often does not have any idea why she is even pushing him in that direction. She says she is doing it for his own good. He disagrees. They fight. She gets hurt because she feels she is doing the right thing He gets mad at her attempt to control him.
Her vision and his vision are different. If they sat down and talked about it, there's a chance they could unify their visions and work towards the same goal. But as long as she has a secret agenda that he knows nothing about she is going to want him to change in ways that he has no interest in and he is not going to understand why she is offering. People are the way they are because it is how they want to be. You are not going to get a person to change without them agreeing to, without them deciding for themselves that change would be good.
The problem here comes from assuming that one knows what is best for another. And that is something that is very rarely ever true, at least where adults are concerned. If you want to assist a person first find out if they are open to assistance. Ask questions. Be clear on what it is that they want and what it is that they do not want. If they do not want coaching, guidance or support your efforts to provide those things are guaranteed to fail. If they do not want to change, don't try to change them.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Counting to infinity pt1
Time is not a real object. It is simply a concept that we made up to differentiate the passing of days. Events in our lives happen sequentially. They do not happen to us all at once. Time and the different markers that we have chosen for it such as hours, decades and seconds are not real. They are just ways of making it possible to describe what came before, what came after and how to decide where to place things when describing the story of our lives.
Numbers are the same way. Although we can make physical objects that represent the different numbers, numbers themselves are concepts. A tree would still be a tree regardless of what we chose to call it. As would a fish a fish and a bird a bird. These things are real and tangible.
We, as a society, place definitions on things that describe exactly what they are. We define them so that we do not need to completely explain every detail about each thing to each person that we encounter every time we want to talk about that thing.
But, life is seldom black and white. There are so many grey areas. Those that fight against the establishment often think of themselves as revolutionaries fighting to make the world a better place. The people that they fight against often call them terrorists or murderers. History, or in other words, the story that is told, is decided by the winning side. Who is right and who is wrong? Well technically, both are both.
People that disagree with what society chooses to call a thing are generally thought to be having a psychotic break with reality. By definition when society does things one way and a person chooses to do things another way that other person is either labeled wrong or insane. I mean think about it. If I call a tree what everybody else calls broccoli, I'd be insane right? Or how about if I called daylight a bunch of bananas? And does it really matter if it was one person or a whole group of people that thought this way? How does it work when these people call their terminology for the redefined things lingo or jargon? Are they still insane?
This brings me to a story that happened recently. We had a guest over for a couple of days. He is someone who is a good friend of ours whom I have known for over fifteen years. We don't always see eye to eye though.
He is a math major who actually intends to spend most of his life studying and teaching advanced mathematics. My interests are more along the lines of English and philosophy. Knowing these two things the disagreement we got into should be a surprise to nobody. I say disagreement because, to him I am sure, we were arguing. To me we were debating.
Somehow, the subject of infinity came up. He was saying that there were multiple different types of infinity. We all just nodded and smiled. The lay person knows that there is only one infinity and that it is infinite. And that is all we need to know. Mathematicians however know that the rest of us are wrong. And he proceeded to tell me so in so many words.
Mistake number one. Never ever tell another person to their face that they are wrong, especially in public, unless you are actually grading work that they have done. Even then it should only be done with extreme diplomacy and tact. Do not just smack other people in the face with what you know to be facts. If you do, even if what you are saying is as plain as the nose on your face, they will not agree with you. In many cases, you will make an enemy for life and all you will have gotten out of it is the satisfaction of showing your intellect to be superior to that of the other person. In other words, you may lose friends in exchange for a mild boost to your ego.
We are both kind of hardheaded and both actually may have violated this rule. He began by saying that there is the regular infinity that everyone is aware of and that mathematicians call it the countable infinity. I of course stopped him there by pointing out that the definition of infinity is a concept describing something that has no ending and therefore applying the adjective countable to it was a logical fallacy. He more or less ignored my statement and went on to state that there were then several types of infinity that were labeled as not countable.
He provided an example of a countable infinity as the set of whole numbers. You know like 0,1,2,3,4 and so on out to infinity. I challenged him to count to infinity. Even though I sat back and offered to wait while he did so, even though I offered him the opportunity to show me that it was countable, he declined.
Numbers are the same way. Although we can make physical objects that represent the different numbers, numbers themselves are concepts. A tree would still be a tree regardless of what we chose to call it. As would a fish a fish and a bird a bird. These things are real and tangible.
We, as a society, place definitions on things that describe exactly what they are. We define them so that we do not need to completely explain every detail about each thing to each person that we encounter every time we want to talk about that thing.
But, life is seldom black and white. There are so many grey areas. Those that fight against the establishment often think of themselves as revolutionaries fighting to make the world a better place. The people that they fight against often call them terrorists or murderers. History, or in other words, the story that is told, is decided by the winning side. Who is right and who is wrong? Well technically, both are both.
People that disagree with what society chooses to call a thing are generally thought to be having a psychotic break with reality. By definition when society does things one way and a person chooses to do things another way that other person is either labeled wrong or insane. I mean think about it. If I call a tree what everybody else calls broccoli, I'd be insane right? Or how about if I called daylight a bunch of bananas? And does it really matter if it was one person or a whole group of people that thought this way? How does it work when these people call their terminology for the redefined things lingo or jargon? Are they still insane?
This brings me to a story that happened recently. We had a guest over for a couple of days. He is someone who is a good friend of ours whom I have known for over fifteen years. We don't always see eye to eye though.
He is a math major who actually intends to spend most of his life studying and teaching advanced mathematics. My interests are more along the lines of English and philosophy. Knowing these two things the disagreement we got into should be a surprise to nobody. I say disagreement because, to him I am sure, we were arguing. To me we were debating.
Somehow, the subject of infinity came up. He was saying that there were multiple different types of infinity. We all just nodded and smiled. The lay person knows that there is only one infinity and that it is infinite. And that is all we need to know. Mathematicians however know that the rest of us are wrong. And he proceeded to tell me so in so many words.
Mistake number one. Never ever tell another person to their face that they are wrong, especially in public, unless you are actually grading work that they have done. Even then it should only be done with extreme diplomacy and tact. Do not just smack other people in the face with what you know to be facts. If you do, even if what you are saying is as plain as the nose on your face, they will not agree with you. In many cases, you will make an enemy for life and all you will have gotten out of it is the satisfaction of showing your intellect to be superior to that of the other person. In other words, you may lose friends in exchange for a mild boost to your ego.
We are both kind of hardheaded and both actually may have violated this rule. He began by saying that there is the regular infinity that everyone is aware of and that mathematicians call it the countable infinity. I of course stopped him there by pointing out that the definition of infinity is a concept describing something that has no ending and therefore applying the adjective countable to it was a logical fallacy. He more or less ignored my statement and went on to state that there were then several types of infinity that were labeled as not countable.
He provided an example of a countable infinity as the set of whole numbers. You know like 0,1,2,3,4 and so on out to infinity. I challenged him to count to infinity. Even though I sat back and offered to wait while he did so, even though I offered him the opportunity to show me that it was countable, he declined.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
It only takes one to change your self image pt2
Finally, he buys completely into it. Everyone he knows knows that he
is stupid and isn't shy about telling him so. He believes it so he
doesn't argue with them. He starts acting more and more stupid as time
goes on, fitting more and more into the mold.
But here's the thing. That guy that is too stupid to learn, too dumb to improve, too retarded to change, the one who has no self esteem and therefore no motivation to go out and get the things that he wants out of life, that guy, he isn't real. He is simply the product of lie after lie after lie stacked upon one original lie.
It only takes one person to start unraveling the lies, one by one, and gradually digging out the real person underneath it all. I look for truth, not evidence of one thing or another. I look for evidence of everything. I hunt for answers and discard nothing just because it doesn't make sense or agree with what I want to be true or am afraid of being true.
When I first met him, I saw many of the things that others were saying about him but something just wasn't right about what was being said. There was something off. So, I started digging. And what I found is that about normal everyday things that "everybody" knew he was pretty ignorant. His speech was not in any way at all elegant. He had few real beliefs. But the things that he did believe, he was very passionate about.
And most importantly he fought very hard and very creatively to maintain the stupid facade. It was no doubt completely subconscious the way he did it. But, it told me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was untrue. I discovered while arguing with him about how stupid he was, that he wasn't at all stupid. He had just been trained by everyone else in his life to act that way because he and they convinced him that he was that way.
So, in my search for truth, when I started looking for evidence that he was NOT stupid, lo and behold, I found tons of it. My friend has not been well educated, primarily because nobody else believed he could be.
I have personally found if there is something that he does not understand, if I take the time to explain it to him, he learns it. He is intelligent, meaning he can take in new knowledge. He can make this new knowledge his own and although he often lacks the vocabulary to easily explain it to someone else, given time he can explain things in such a way that the other person at least gets the gist of it. Also, when we discuss issues that other friends of ours are having he often, very quickly, comes up with some extremely insightful yet simple solutions to their problems. This application of knowledge shows great wisdom as well.
In our talks he is starting to get to the point where he knows where a conversation is leading, has a good idea of what someone is going to ask him next, knows what the "acceptable" answers are and knows when his answers don't match up. In short, he is really really smart, just ignorant due to lack of proper education.
As time goes on there are more and more examples that he is not the dumb person that people have always told him he was. He is currently in school for a trade that he is pretty passionate about. And while not the highest scoring person in the class, there are plenty of people that are doing worse than him. He isn't rocket science material but in a lot of ways he really is above average.
Repairing his self image is about finding new evidence to replace the old. As they say, nature abhors a vacuum. You can't just dig up the old stuff and toss it out, because it just leaves gaping holes and then new garbage arrives to fill the space where the old garbage was. So, if you want lasting positive change you get to fill up the old toxic spaces with newer healthy things.
When possible, we, as his friends, will be showing him the examples that he is not an idiot, to reinforce the work he is doing to fix his self image. It is a process that will take time, but will lead him to a future that he will find worth living. So, it is worth doing.
How about you? What is your one? What person or event turned you from a happy, loving, carefree, child into a jaded angst ridden mess? How old were you when it happened? How long have you been living in agony? Haven't you suffered long enough. Isn't it time you found the real you hiding under the facade of lies?
But here's the thing. That guy that is too stupid to learn, too dumb to improve, too retarded to change, the one who has no self esteem and therefore no motivation to go out and get the things that he wants out of life, that guy, he isn't real. He is simply the product of lie after lie after lie stacked upon one original lie.
It only takes one person to start unraveling the lies, one by one, and gradually digging out the real person underneath it all. I look for truth, not evidence of one thing or another. I look for evidence of everything. I hunt for answers and discard nothing just because it doesn't make sense or agree with what I want to be true or am afraid of being true.
When I first met him, I saw many of the things that others were saying about him but something just wasn't right about what was being said. There was something off. So, I started digging. And what I found is that about normal everyday things that "everybody" knew he was pretty ignorant. His speech was not in any way at all elegant. He had few real beliefs. But the things that he did believe, he was very passionate about.
And most importantly he fought very hard and very creatively to maintain the stupid facade. It was no doubt completely subconscious the way he did it. But, it told me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was untrue. I discovered while arguing with him about how stupid he was, that he wasn't at all stupid. He had just been trained by everyone else in his life to act that way because he and they convinced him that he was that way.
So, in my search for truth, when I started looking for evidence that he was NOT stupid, lo and behold, I found tons of it. My friend has not been well educated, primarily because nobody else believed he could be.
I have personally found if there is something that he does not understand, if I take the time to explain it to him, he learns it. He is intelligent, meaning he can take in new knowledge. He can make this new knowledge his own and although he often lacks the vocabulary to easily explain it to someone else, given time he can explain things in such a way that the other person at least gets the gist of it. Also, when we discuss issues that other friends of ours are having he often, very quickly, comes up with some extremely insightful yet simple solutions to their problems. This application of knowledge shows great wisdom as well.
In our talks he is starting to get to the point where he knows where a conversation is leading, has a good idea of what someone is going to ask him next, knows what the "acceptable" answers are and knows when his answers don't match up. In short, he is really really smart, just ignorant due to lack of proper education.
As time goes on there are more and more examples that he is not the dumb person that people have always told him he was. He is currently in school for a trade that he is pretty passionate about. And while not the highest scoring person in the class, there are plenty of people that are doing worse than him. He isn't rocket science material but in a lot of ways he really is above average.
Repairing his self image is about finding new evidence to replace the old. As they say, nature abhors a vacuum. You can't just dig up the old stuff and toss it out, because it just leaves gaping holes and then new garbage arrives to fill the space where the old garbage was. So, if you want lasting positive change you get to fill up the old toxic spaces with newer healthy things.
When possible, we, as his friends, will be showing him the examples that he is not an idiot, to reinforce the work he is doing to fix his self image. It is a process that will take time, but will lead him to a future that he will find worth living. So, it is worth doing.
How about you? What is your one? What person or event turned you from a happy, loving, carefree, child into a jaded angst ridden mess? How old were you when it happened? How long have you been living in agony? Haven't you suffered long enough. Isn't it time you found the real you hiding under the facade of lies?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The grudge
So, a friend or loved one does something you strongly disapprove of. Perhaps they lie to or cheat on you. You could decide that they have hurt you enough and you no longer want them to be around. But, you do still love the person and want them to be a part of your life.
So even though they wronged you, you decide not to break off the relationship. Instead you decide that you are going to get back at them by making life uncomfortable for them. Each time you see them or spend time with them you remind them that you are still angry or upset. You hold back favors or nice things that you would normally do for them. There. That will show them. Right?
Well, maybe. But probably not. I mean yeah, there's that feeling of righteous vindication that you may get from punishing someone that has done something wrong to you. How long does that really last though, only a few seconds right? And then afterwards where does that leave you with your loved one?
The reason you decided not to end the relationship in the first place is because you love that person and want to be around them. You enjoy each others company. How can that happen while you are busy constantly punishing them for past wrongs? You aren't showing love for them by holding a grudge. And they certainly aren't being inspired to show love for you by the repeated negative energy you send their way.
But, let's take things a step further. Remove the other person from the equation. In order to hold a grudge you have to hold on to negative energy. You have to keep it around. It may not be there every second of the day, but it will come up every time you see or think about that person. Time and energy that could be focused on happier things are wasted holding the grudge.
The thing is you can't just punish the other person without reminding yourself about the whole painful circumstance in the first place. So, for example, let's say you think about this grudge nine times per day and you see the person that you are angry at once per day. That means that at least ten times per day, you get to re-experience all of the negativity. But no matter how strongly negative your reaction is when you see the other person, the only time you can guarantee that they are thinking about the "bad" thing that they did to you is during that one time you see them during the day.
You suffer ten times, they suffer once. Who are you punishing again? Due to the fact that you have to re-experience the bad every time you interact with the other person that you are holding a grudge against, it is always, without fail, going to hurt you more to hold a grudge than it does the other person.
If you want your life to be filled with pain and suffering, well that's fine then. Hold as many grudges as you want. If you don't, there has to be a better way than either holding a grudge or just letting them walk all over you, right? There is.
First take some time to calm down and think clearly. Then have a conversation with the other person. Keep your cool and remain peaceful. Explain what the other person did to hurt you and how it made you feel. Forgive them for the pain they caused you. Inform them of this forgiveness. Then, make it clear and in no uncertain terms how future abuses of your love will be handled.
You may not have wanted to end your relationship over a single hurt that they caused you. But multiple similar hurts show that maybe they don't feel as strongly for you as you do for them. Or perhaps, depending on how exactly it is that they hurt you, police involvement may be the next step. The bottom line is that the other person needs to know you love and want them around but that you are not a doormat and that you will stand up for yourself.
Holding a grudge isn't healthy. Talking things over and working things out is. My advice is here to assist you in making your life better. I am not telling you what to do, just providing different options. As always it is your choice how you decide to handle things.
So even though they wronged you, you decide not to break off the relationship. Instead you decide that you are going to get back at them by making life uncomfortable for them. Each time you see them or spend time with them you remind them that you are still angry or upset. You hold back favors or nice things that you would normally do for them. There. That will show them. Right?
Well, maybe. But probably not. I mean yeah, there's that feeling of righteous vindication that you may get from punishing someone that has done something wrong to you. How long does that really last though, only a few seconds right? And then afterwards where does that leave you with your loved one?
The reason you decided not to end the relationship in the first place is because you love that person and want to be around them. You enjoy each others company. How can that happen while you are busy constantly punishing them for past wrongs? You aren't showing love for them by holding a grudge. And they certainly aren't being inspired to show love for you by the repeated negative energy you send their way.
But, let's take things a step further. Remove the other person from the equation. In order to hold a grudge you have to hold on to negative energy. You have to keep it around. It may not be there every second of the day, but it will come up every time you see or think about that person. Time and energy that could be focused on happier things are wasted holding the grudge.
The thing is you can't just punish the other person without reminding yourself about the whole painful circumstance in the first place. So, for example, let's say you think about this grudge nine times per day and you see the person that you are angry at once per day. That means that at least ten times per day, you get to re-experience all of the negativity. But no matter how strongly negative your reaction is when you see the other person, the only time you can guarantee that they are thinking about the "bad" thing that they did to you is during that one time you see them during the day.
You suffer ten times, they suffer once. Who are you punishing again? Due to the fact that you have to re-experience the bad every time you interact with the other person that you are holding a grudge against, it is always, without fail, going to hurt you more to hold a grudge than it does the other person.
If you want your life to be filled with pain and suffering, well that's fine then. Hold as many grudges as you want. If you don't, there has to be a better way than either holding a grudge or just letting them walk all over you, right? There is.
First take some time to calm down and think clearly. Then have a conversation with the other person. Keep your cool and remain peaceful. Explain what the other person did to hurt you and how it made you feel. Forgive them for the pain they caused you. Inform them of this forgiveness. Then, make it clear and in no uncertain terms how future abuses of your love will be handled.
You may not have wanted to end your relationship over a single hurt that they caused you. But multiple similar hurts show that maybe they don't feel as strongly for you as you do for them. Or perhaps, depending on how exactly it is that they hurt you, police involvement may be the next step. The bottom line is that the other person needs to know you love and want them around but that you are not a doormat and that you will stand up for yourself.
Holding a grudge isn't healthy. Talking things over and working things out is. My advice is here to assist you in making your life better. I am not telling you what to do, just providing different options. As always it is your choice how you decide to handle things.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Are you responsible for what happens in your life? Pt1
The following actually occurred this past Friday afternoon. Names have been changed to letters for anonymity.
Comcast sent out a technician to troubleshoot the internet problems that we have been having. As part of his troubleshooting he needed to test all of the coaxial cables for line noise. We all live together in a big house, but all have separate schedules. Sometimes we do not know who is home or awake or what their general status is.
One of the rooms the technician needed to get into was behind a closed door. He asked if it was alright to go in and check the line in that room. This sequence of events is what happened as a result.
Person A asked person B if person C was home. Person B said they did not know. Person A asked person B to check. Person B checked the door to person C's room, found it unlocked, opened it looked in and said person C was sleeping. Person A replied that was not useful information and that something more would need to be done. Person B then went over to the sleeping person C and woke them up.
Person C was understandably upset, one about being woken up in general, and even more upset at being woken up by person B standing next to their bed and calling their name. Person C felt that their privacy was being invaded due to the fact that person B did not even bother to knock before coming into their room.
Not surprisingly, an argument started, it was minor and not very heated. But, still, it was enough that the Comcast guy did not get to test the line that day.
Person C blamed person B for the circumstance. Person B claimed to just be following directions and blamed Person A. Person A admitted responsibility for the situation. But who was really responsible for the end result of the Comcast representative not testing the line? Was it person A, B,C, or was it the Comcast tech?
It's actually a trick question. The correct answer is, it is everyone's responsibility. A,B,C, the Comcast tech, every person that observed what happened and even those that did not. The whole world is responsible for everything that happens, everywhere, if they could have taken an action that would have made things different, no matter how indirect or not connected that action might be.
Person A could have stopped Person B from entering Person C's room without knocking. Person B could have used common sense and not entered without knocking, Person C could have locked their door before going to sleep, or could have been awake or not home. The guy from Comcast could have found another way to test the line that did not involve going into that room.
Comcast, in general, is responsible for the trouble that we are having with our internet because if they did not exist we would not have their service and thus we could not have an issue with our Comcast internet service. AT&T is responsible for this circumstance as well, because if they provided a better service we would use it. It was our choice to go with the internet service provided by Comcast. But it is every other company out there's choice not to provide better internet than Comcast does.
One might say well what about all the Chinese and Indian people out there that are half a world away from you? They aren't responsible for this are they? Actually, yes they are. Any one of them could invent the next new bit of technology that makes internet usage through coaxial cable obsolete. Every man woman and child, everywhere, that has failed to do so is responsible for the problems that we have with the internet in our home. If there were no planet Earth we would not have the exact problem we have here and now with our internet. Therefore everyone that has not blown up the Earth has contributed to us still having trouble with our Comcast based internet service.
Am I suggesting that anyone should destroy our planet? No, not, even slightly. I am just using it as an example to say that anyone and everyone could change our circumstance and that everyone that does not, is responsible for the circumstance continuing to exist
A person can take the victim stance and blame everyone else but the fact of the matter is that they are responsible for what happens in their lives even if they choose to ignore or deny it. Also, there is no such thing as partial responsibility. Persons A,B,C and the Comcast tech are not each 25% responsible for what happened. They are each jointly and severally 100% responsible for the outcome because any one of them could have taken an action to change the outcome and none of them did.
Comcast sent out a technician to troubleshoot the internet problems that we have been having. As part of his troubleshooting he needed to test all of the coaxial cables for line noise. We all live together in a big house, but all have separate schedules. Sometimes we do not know who is home or awake or what their general status is.
One of the rooms the technician needed to get into was behind a closed door. He asked if it was alright to go in and check the line in that room. This sequence of events is what happened as a result.
Person A asked person B if person C was home. Person B said they did not know. Person A asked person B to check. Person B checked the door to person C's room, found it unlocked, opened it looked in and said person C was sleeping. Person A replied that was not useful information and that something more would need to be done. Person B then went over to the sleeping person C and woke them up.
Person C was understandably upset, one about being woken up in general, and even more upset at being woken up by person B standing next to their bed and calling their name. Person C felt that their privacy was being invaded due to the fact that person B did not even bother to knock before coming into their room.
Not surprisingly, an argument started, it was minor and not very heated. But, still, it was enough that the Comcast guy did not get to test the line that day.
Person C blamed person B for the circumstance. Person B claimed to just be following directions and blamed Person A. Person A admitted responsibility for the situation. But who was really responsible for the end result of the Comcast representative not testing the line? Was it person A, B,C, or was it the Comcast tech?
It's actually a trick question. The correct answer is, it is everyone's responsibility. A,B,C, the Comcast tech, every person that observed what happened and even those that did not. The whole world is responsible for everything that happens, everywhere, if they could have taken an action that would have made things different, no matter how indirect or not connected that action might be.
Person A could have stopped Person B from entering Person C's room without knocking. Person B could have used common sense and not entered without knocking, Person C could have locked their door before going to sleep, or could have been awake or not home. The guy from Comcast could have found another way to test the line that did not involve going into that room.
Comcast, in general, is responsible for the trouble that we are having with our internet because if they did not exist we would not have their service and thus we could not have an issue with our Comcast internet service. AT&T is responsible for this circumstance as well, because if they provided a better service we would use it. It was our choice to go with the internet service provided by Comcast. But it is every other company out there's choice not to provide better internet than Comcast does.
One might say well what about all the Chinese and Indian people out there that are half a world away from you? They aren't responsible for this are they? Actually, yes they are. Any one of them could invent the next new bit of technology that makes internet usage through coaxial cable obsolete. Every man woman and child, everywhere, that has failed to do so is responsible for the problems that we have with the internet in our home. If there were no planet Earth we would not have the exact problem we have here and now with our internet. Therefore everyone that has not blown up the Earth has contributed to us still having trouble with our Comcast based internet service.
Am I suggesting that anyone should destroy our planet? No, not, even slightly. I am just using it as an example to say that anyone and everyone could change our circumstance and that everyone that does not, is responsible for the circumstance continuing to exist
A person can take the victim stance and blame everyone else but the fact of the matter is that they are responsible for what happens in their lives even if they choose to ignore or deny it. Also, there is no such thing as partial responsibility. Persons A,B,C and the Comcast tech are not each 25% responsible for what happened. They are each jointly and severally 100% responsible for the outcome because any one of them could have taken an action to change the outcome and none of them did.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Labels say things about you that are not true.
Life is full of labels. People are always looking for a quick easy way to define who another person is and what they stand for. It is where we get the majority of our stereotypes from. There are Christians, Muslims, and Jews, blacks, whites, yellows and reds, democrats and republicans, liberals and conservatives, nerds and jocks, and literally millions more.
The problem with labels is when someone hears that a certain label applies to you they tend to act as if all of your potential has been limited to that one particular facet of your way of being, as if that single adjective completely defines who and what you are. And that could not be further from the truth.
Take for example the label of Christian. First of all it means different things to different people. But to many people it means a person who has good morals and ethics. To some it means people that intrude on the lives of others and try to make decisions for them, decisions that aren't theirs to make.
There is only one Bible. But there are over one thousand sects of Christianity and each one has beliefs that are different and distinct enough for them to have their own specific label. Episcopalians, 7th Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses and many many others.
Each person within each sect of Christianity has their own viewpoint on what being Christian means. Each has their own values and beliefs. Literally Christian simply means follower of Christ. If a person tells you that they are a Christian, if you take anything more from that label than the literal definition you are being unfair to that person, by pigeonholing them and lumping them in with all of the other Christians that you have ever known.
I've mentioned in the past that first impressions are a terrible thing and the main reason really is because it's where we get the labels that we put on a person, like name tags. And then in the future we subconsciously replace the person with the labels.
Most of the labels that we associate with a given person represent just a fraction of what they really think and believe. We are not any single label. We are an amalgamation of all of the things that we see, do, think and believe. A true representation of a person would require hundreds if not thousands of labels. For example when people ask me what religion I follow, I tell them that I am a Buddhist, Jehovah's Witness, Viking. Then I twist things even further by saying that I am not very religious but am extremely spiritual.
I have taken bits and pieces of many major religions and formed an ethical code of what I believe is right and wrong. No simple label could ever really describe my religious beliefs. Pagan doesn't work. Neither does agnostic. My political beliefs work the same way. Some are republican ideals, others democratic, some liberal some conservative.
There is no hard set fast easy way to define any given person. Indeed from day to day sometimes our beliefs change. What we thought was true yesterday may not be what we think today. Think about all the labels that have been applied to you by other people. How many of them really fit? Are you the stereotype that people are talking about when they mention a specific label?
Each of us is unique. We may share certain traits with others. But do we really need the labels?
The problem with labels is when someone hears that a certain label applies to you they tend to act as if all of your potential has been limited to that one particular facet of your way of being, as if that single adjective completely defines who and what you are. And that could not be further from the truth.
Take for example the label of Christian. First of all it means different things to different people. But to many people it means a person who has good morals and ethics. To some it means people that intrude on the lives of others and try to make decisions for them, decisions that aren't theirs to make.
There is only one Bible. But there are over one thousand sects of Christianity and each one has beliefs that are different and distinct enough for them to have their own specific label. Episcopalians, 7th Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses and many many others.
Each person within each sect of Christianity has their own viewpoint on what being Christian means. Each has their own values and beliefs. Literally Christian simply means follower of Christ. If a person tells you that they are a Christian, if you take anything more from that label than the literal definition you are being unfair to that person, by pigeonholing them and lumping them in with all of the other Christians that you have ever known.
I've mentioned in the past that first impressions are a terrible thing and the main reason really is because it's where we get the labels that we put on a person, like name tags. And then in the future we subconsciously replace the person with the labels.
Most of the labels that we associate with a given person represent just a fraction of what they really think and believe. We are not any single label. We are an amalgamation of all of the things that we see, do, think and believe. A true representation of a person would require hundreds if not thousands of labels. For example when people ask me what religion I follow, I tell them that I am a Buddhist, Jehovah's Witness, Viking. Then I twist things even further by saying that I am not very religious but am extremely spiritual.
I have taken bits and pieces of many major religions and formed an ethical code of what I believe is right and wrong. No simple label could ever really describe my religious beliefs. Pagan doesn't work. Neither does agnostic. My political beliefs work the same way. Some are republican ideals, others democratic, some liberal some conservative.
There is no hard set fast easy way to define any given person. Indeed from day to day sometimes our beliefs change. What we thought was true yesterday may not be what we think today. Think about all the labels that have been applied to you by other people. How many of them really fit? Are you the stereotype that people are talking about when they mention a specific label?
Each of us is unique. We may share certain traits with others. But do we really need the labels?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
A first impression is not a person.
I spent some time today looking over previous posts that I have
written here. It actually surprised me the number of completely
different things that I have talked about over the past few months. My
knowledge and experiences are rather eclectic, literally all over the
place. Every day of my life is a new day full of value that I and other
people can learn from.
And I am no different from anyone else in that regard. We all have unique valuable experiences that others can learn from even if we do not realize it. There is no way to know what or how much you can learn from any other person. But it is a fact that there is something valuable that you can learn from every person.
Yet it is said that the average woman will decide within the first two minutes of meeting a guy whether or not she wants to be with him. The average boss will decide based on first impression alone whether or not the person they are interviewing is a good fit for the job. Things like physical appearance, posture and facial expressions are often the sole tools used to make these decisions. This is completely unfair because the true value of a person is what is inside and there is no way of knowing that in such a short span of time.
We see a homeless person on the street and based on how dirty, dingy and ugly they look we decide that it is no wonder that they are homeless. Many homeless people are disabled vets with a great understanding of battlefield tactics and strategies, things which with just a little bit of tweaking can be effective and useful ideas for how to run a business better. Many others are people who were at one time skilled carpenters, auto mechanics, or metal workers. Others still are great scientific minds capable of solving difficult or dangerous problems that we need solutions to. But, we decide, and wrongly so, that, they have no value within our society.
We are being unfair to both ourselves and the other person when we just throw them away based solely on our first impressions. Do you like it when people shun you because of a bad first impression? Of course you don't. So why treat others that way.
Now I am not saying you should just ignore glaring warning signs that something is wrong with a person. But I am saying that if they are not an immediate threat to you, that you at least give them a chance to prove to you that your first impression is wrong. And even if your first impression is not wrong, even if what you do not like about them turns out to be true and valid maybe you could look past that to see the gems hiding within the trash.
Every adult, during their lifetime, has thousands of hours of experience, many of which could be positive life changing events for you, if you can manage to see past their flaws. Just imagine how much better life could be for all of us if everyone actually learned from everyone else, instead of judging and avoiding one another as much as possible.
And I am no different from anyone else in that regard. We all have unique valuable experiences that others can learn from even if we do not realize it. There is no way to know what or how much you can learn from any other person. But it is a fact that there is something valuable that you can learn from every person.
Yet it is said that the average woman will decide within the first two minutes of meeting a guy whether or not she wants to be with him. The average boss will decide based on first impression alone whether or not the person they are interviewing is a good fit for the job. Things like physical appearance, posture and facial expressions are often the sole tools used to make these decisions. This is completely unfair because the true value of a person is what is inside and there is no way of knowing that in such a short span of time.
We see a homeless person on the street and based on how dirty, dingy and ugly they look we decide that it is no wonder that they are homeless. Many homeless people are disabled vets with a great understanding of battlefield tactics and strategies, things which with just a little bit of tweaking can be effective and useful ideas for how to run a business better. Many others are people who were at one time skilled carpenters, auto mechanics, or metal workers. Others still are great scientific minds capable of solving difficult or dangerous problems that we need solutions to. But, we decide, and wrongly so, that, they have no value within our society.
We are being unfair to both ourselves and the other person when we just throw them away based solely on our first impressions. Do you like it when people shun you because of a bad first impression? Of course you don't. So why treat others that way.
Now I am not saying you should just ignore glaring warning signs that something is wrong with a person. But I am saying that if they are not an immediate threat to you, that you at least give them a chance to prove to you that your first impression is wrong. And even if your first impression is not wrong, even if what you do not like about them turns out to be true and valid maybe you could look past that to see the gems hiding within the trash.
Every adult, during their lifetime, has thousands of hours of experience, many of which could be positive life changing events for you, if you can manage to see past their flaws. Just imagine how much better life could be for all of us if everyone actually learned from everyone else, instead of judging and avoiding one another as much as possible.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Selfless?
One of the most important lessons that a person can learn is that
they need to see to their own needs before seeing to the needs of
others. Is this selfish? Yes. It is. But it is the way things should
be.
Why do I say this? After all, the common viewpoint is that there is no greater thing a person can do than to be in service to others. I believe this point of view wholeheartedly. But the fact of the matter is, if you die, you lose your ability to directly do anything for others.
This is why they tell you in the emergency instructions on an airplane to put the breathing mask on yourself first and then see to those of your children and other loved ones. If you perish trying to save your loved ones then you can no longer do anything for them. The fact of the matter is people go unconscious from lack of oxygen before they die of it. If they go unconscious while you are putting your mask on there is a very good chance that you will still have time to get them oxygen before they die. IF on the other hand you decide to save them first, you may end up unconscious before you can save yourself. AND your child may not be able to save you because they may not understand how the mask works.
In the first situation there is a good chance that you will both survive. In the second there is a good chance that both of you will die, because once you perish you cannot control what happens in your child's life anymore.
Now this specific situation isn't likely to happen to you during your lifetime. But I have found that when situations get complicated and difficult to sort out it often helps to take things to their furthest logical conclusion.
Notice, in the beginning, that I did not say people should not look out for the needs of others. I simply said they should see to their own first.I have found that most people think and believe that they are for the most part selfless and do things for other people. But when push comes to shove the facade evaporates and you see that most people really are out for themselves. They just are not willing to publicly admit it unless forced to.
You want to be selfless and up until a certain point that is possible. Under circumstances of extreme pain whether physical or emotional the desire to survive tends to trump all other goals. If this were not the case, people would not break under torture. And it is often why relationships end. The level of pain escalates to the point where self preservation becomes more important than whatever you get out of the relationship. Nothing is more important than avoiding the destruction of mental faculties that will occur if things continue. When you are comfortable and pain free you can talk all day about how you want to be in service to others and how important it is to be able to take care of your loved ones. But if someone douses you in gasoline and sets you on fire, figuratively or literally, the only thing on your mind is going to be making the pain stop. Once the fire is out and you have recovered you can go back to focusing on others. But until then look out for number one. OR there won't be a number one.
Why do I say this? After all, the common viewpoint is that there is no greater thing a person can do than to be in service to others. I believe this point of view wholeheartedly. But the fact of the matter is, if you die, you lose your ability to directly do anything for others.
This is why they tell you in the emergency instructions on an airplane to put the breathing mask on yourself first and then see to those of your children and other loved ones. If you perish trying to save your loved ones then you can no longer do anything for them. The fact of the matter is people go unconscious from lack of oxygen before they die of it. If they go unconscious while you are putting your mask on there is a very good chance that you will still have time to get them oxygen before they die. IF on the other hand you decide to save them first, you may end up unconscious before you can save yourself. AND your child may not be able to save you because they may not understand how the mask works.
In the first situation there is a good chance that you will both survive. In the second there is a good chance that both of you will die, because once you perish you cannot control what happens in your child's life anymore.
Now this specific situation isn't likely to happen to you during your lifetime. But I have found that when situations get complicated and difficult to sort out it often helps to take things to their furthest logical conclusion.
Notice, in the beginning, that I did not say people should not look out for the needs of others. I simply said they should see to their own first.I have found that most people think and believe that they are for the most part selfless and do things for other people. But when push comes to shove the facade evaporates and you see that most people really are out for themselves. They just are not willing to publicly admit it unless forced to.
You want to be selfless and up until a certain point that is possible. Under circumstances of extreme pain whether physical or emotional the desire to survive tends to trump all other goals. If this were not the case, people would not break under torture. And it is often why relationships end. The level of pain escalates to the point where self preservation becomes more important than whatever you get out of the relationship. Nothing is more important than avoiding the destruction of mental faculties that will occur if things continue. When you are comfortable and pain free you can talk all day about how you want to be in service to others and how important it is to be able to take care of your loved ones. But if someone douses you in gasoline and sets you on fire, figuratively or literally, the only thing on your mind is going to be making the pain stop. Once the fire is out and you have recovered you can go back to focusing on others. But until then look out for number one. OR there won't be a number one.
Are you on the same level?
Have you ever found yourself getting deeply into a discussion about
something that you are very passionate about and realizing about half
way in that everyone around you is just kind of staring blankly at you
because they have no idea what it is that you are talking about?
This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time. And what was worse, I had no idea why they were lost. It seemed to me that the things that I was talking about were often not that complicated. I mean sure they were based on something that was based on something that was based on something. But if you knew and were familiar with those three somethings, then the thing that I was talking about seemed self evident. Okay, so maybe it was kind of complicated.
Even though I knew it subconsciously, it took me a long time to realize that we all have different experiences in life that make us who we are. Every single thing that happens to us helps us to form a frame of reference for what goes on in our life. Every single person's frame of reference is different. And if your frame of reference does not include similar experiences to the person that you are talking to, when you get into certain topics you are sure to lose them. Even now, I need to be reminded of this from time to time.
There are two basic ways to prevent this. The first is to ask questions to determine the other person's overall general knowledge of the subject that you want to discuss. That way you can tailor what you say and how you say it to the specific level of knowledge that the person you are speaking to happens to have. Depending on the person this could be quite a long onerous process.If the other person has partial knowledge of what it is that you want to discuss, this is usually the better way.
The other way is to assume that the person is a completely blank slate and has absolutely no knowledge whatsoever about the topic of which you wish to speak. In this case, you can treat everyone the same. You start at the very beginning and step by step get to the more complicated stuff, once the listener has indicated that they understand and agree with the first part(s). At any point the listener can inform you that they understand the part you are explaining and you can move on to the next point. OR at any point they can ask questions to increase their level of clarity. I prefer this method because I enjoy treating everyone as if they were equals. It usually takes a little longer but I do not have to memorize four or five different ways to explain a thing. If you properly explain all of the steps leading up to a thing, when you finally get to your point, that point will seem natural and self evident.
Doing either of these things may seem like a hassle but if you want people to be into the kinds of things that you are passionate about then you are going to need to be able to talk to them about those things without them constantly looking at you like you just grew another head. That way you can share the things you love with the people you love and you can grow and enjoy life together. And isn't that really what we all want?
This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time. And what was worse, I had no idea why they were lost. It seemed to me that the things that I was talking about were often not that complicated. I mean sure they were based on something that was based on something that was based on something. But if you knew and were familiar with those three somethings, then the thing that I was talking about seemed self evident. Okay, so maybe it was kind of complicated.
Even though I knew it subconsciously, it took me a long time to realize that we all have different experiences in life that make us who we are. Every single thing that happens to us helps us to form a frame of reference for what goes on in our life. Every single person's frame of reference is different. And if your frame of reference does not include similar experiences to the person that you are talking to, when you get into certain topics you are sure to lose them. Even now, I need to be reminded of this from time to time.
There are two basic ways to prevent this. The first is to ask questions to determine the other person's overall general knowledge of the subject that you want to discuss. That way you can tailor what you say and how you say it to the specific level of knowledge that the person you are speaking to happens to have. Depending on the person this could be quite a long onerous process.If the other person has partial knowledge of what it is that you want to discuss, this is usually the better way.
The other way is to assume that the person is a completely blank slate and has absolutely no knowledge whatsoever about the topic of which you wish to speak. In this case, you can treat everyone the same. You start at the very beginning and step by step get to the more complicated stuff, once the listener has indicated that they understand and agree with the first part(s). At any point the listener can inform you that they understand the part you are explaining and you can move on to the next point. OR at any point they can ask questions to increase their level of clarity. I prefer this method because I enjoy treating everyone as if they were equals. It usually takes a little longer but I do not have to memorize four or five different ways to explain a thing. If you properly explain all of the steps leading up to a thing, when you finally get to your point, that point will seem natural and self evident.
Doing either of these things may seem like a hassle but if you want people to be into the kinds of things that you are passionate about then you are going to need to be able to talk to them about those things without them constantly looking at you like you just grew another head. That way you can share the things you love with the people you love and you can grow and enjoy life together. And isn't that really what we all want?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Interesting experiences
For the past several weeks I have noticed something new about my way
of being when interacting with people outside of my home. I have a clear
image of the change but I am finding putting it to words to be
difficult. Most of the word patterns that are coming up are
not...right.
My general way of being is peaceful, calm and happy, often even at times when one or more people around me are being belligerent. And many times when I interact with people they are pleasant and the transaction is good.
But lately it has been... More. As you can probably tell, I am still struggling with this. I do tend to frequent the same places. So I do see the same faces repeatedly. That does not explain the change though.
Each one of these exchanges has been more powerfully positive than they were in the past. It is like there is something in my way of being that other people see and it resonates with something in their way of being and the energy that I put out is passing through them and coming back even stronger from them to me.
A simple back and forth conversation of pleases and thank yous when ordering food somehow keeps ending up with me and the other person massively building positive energy to the point of nearly overflowing with joy.
My gratitude at being adequately assisted in my endeavor is only matched by their enjoyment of having been able to assist me. I am sure to the reader this seems stupid or corny or even crazy but I swear it is real. I have literally gotten back into my car afterwards wondering just a little why I have such a huge smile on my face.
This type of connection is not exactly new to me. I have had a similar experience with customer service type things before, but not where the energy level keeps building. Usually it just reflects back and forth and stays around the same level.
Actually it's more like, when you start a new romantic relationship with a person. You go back and forth talking with one another. And as you find out more and more about how you are alike and share things in common the excitement and enjoyment of the relationship continues to build with every passing moment.
It's love. Love is pouring out of me and into other people. It is being amplified and given back. I am sure of it. But why? What has changed about my way of being recently to have made that big of a difference? I have been doing a lot of inspirational reading and motivational listening. It could be that I suppose. Most of the things that I have read, heard and seen recently I already thought and or believed though. Some things were defined in a more clear cut way and perhaps that is the difference. I am thinking and doing the same things just in a more precise and less general way. Much of what I have read says that to the universe something is not real until it is specific and measurable.
This set of experiences I will reflect and meditate on. I may write more about this later. For now I will enjoy it and hope that things stay this way.
My general way of being is peaceful, calm and happy, often even at times when one or more people around me are being belligerent. And many times when I interact with people they are pleasant and the transaction is good.
But lately it has been... More. As you can probably tell, I am still struggling with this. I do tend to frequent the same places. So I do see the same faces repeatedly. That does not explain the change though.
Each one of these exchanges has been more powerfully positive than they were in the past. It is like there is something in my way of being that other people see and it resonates with something in their way of being and the energy that I put out is passing through them and coming back even stronger from them to me.
A simple back and forth conversation of pleases and thank yous when ordering food somehow keeps ending up with me and the other person massively building positive energy to the point of nearly overflowing with joy.
My gratitude at being adequately assisted in my endeavor is only matched by their enjoyment of having been able to assist me. I am sure to the reader this seems stupid or corny or even crazy but I swear it is real. I have literally gotten back into my car afterwards wondering just a little why I have such a huge smile on my face.
This type of connection is not exactly new to me. I have had a similar experience with customer service type things before, but not where the energy level keeps building. Usually it just reflects back and forth and stays around the same level.
Actually it's more like, when you start a new romantic relationship with a person. You go back and forth talking with one another. And as you find out more and more about how you are alike and share things in common the excitement and enjoyment of the relationship continues to build with every passing moment.
It's love. Love is pouring out of me and into other people. It is being amplified and given back. I am sure of it. But why? What has changed about my way of being recently to have made that big of a difference? I have been doing a lot of inspirational reading and motivational listening. It could be that I suppose. Most of the things that I have read, heard and seen recently I already thought and or believed though. Some things were defined in a more clear cut way and perhaps that is the difference. I am thinking and doing the same things just in a more precise and less general way. Much of what I have read says that to the universe something is not real until it is specific and measurable.
This set of experiences I will reflect and meditate on. I may write more about this later. For now I will enjoy it and hope that things stay this way.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Why is this here? pt1
I am a person that is always interested in becoming better than I
already am. Part of improving yourself is being able to look at the
things that you have done in the past and learning from them. Your
record is there to show where you were at the point in your life that
you happen to be looking at. Then once you see where you were or maybe
still are, you can compare that with where you want to be and begin
planning what steps to take next.
When I first started these posts, I thought that they would be a good way of sharing my point of view with the world. Many people have asked me what I think on a great number of different subjects and they usually find my answers to be interesting. I know though, that quite often they do not really understand where it is that I am coming from. My general point of view is so different from that of the average person as to be completely incompatible with their understanding when only individual slices of what I think are known.
Each little piece requires understanding of two or three other things in order to make perfect sense. And each of those other things requires other things. Often times people can not wrap their head around how I make a decision. Usually this is because there is something that I accept to be true, that they do not, which then becomes the basis for a system of ideas that then builds until my conclusion is the only one likely to be true. The conversation though never gets to the system of ideas because the person spends too much time arguing about the thing that I accepted as true in the beginning. And then while explaining the basis for how and why I believe that thing to be true we find other things that I accept as true that they do not.
All of the things that I believe to be true, I have determined through rigorous testing, seeking evidence that it is true and seeking evidence that it is not. Most of the arguments I get into with people about what I believe versus what they believe are about their feelings. I present facts and they say they do not feel that what I am saying is true. They feel that I am wrong. But when I ask for the evidence to back up their claims suddenly the subject gets changed or there is just a repeated assertion that I am wrong.
It occurred to me recently that the things that I am sharing here are my thoughts in bits and pieces. The individual parts may not get through to a person any better than a face to face conversation. But here at least, I am not interrupted and can continue my chain of thinking from beginning to end. And maybe, just maybe once there is a large enough collection of my thoughts, ideas, reasons and ideals, the whole will begin to make sense to some of those that have struggled to understand me. That is one good reason to keep writing but it's not what guides my hand from day to day.
More tomorrow :)
When I first started these posts, I thought that they would be a good way of sharing my point of view with the world. Many people have asked me what I think on a great number of different subjects and they usually find my answers to be interesting. I know though, that quite often they do not really understand where it is that I am coming from. My general point of view is so different from that of the average person as to be completely incompatible with their understanding when only individual slices of what I think are known.
Each little piece requires understanding of two or three other things in order to make perfect sense. And each of those other things requires other things. Often times people can not wrap their head around how I make a decision. Usually this is because there is something that I accept to be true, that they do not, which then becomes the basis for a system of ideas that then builds until my conclusion is the only one likely to be true. The conversation though never gets to the system of ideas because the person spends too much time arguing about the thing that I accepted as true in the beginning. And then while explaining the basis for how and why I believe that thing to be true we find other things that I accept as true that they do not.
All of the things that I believe to be true, I have determined through rigorous testing, seeking evidence that it is true and seeking evidence that it is not. Most of the arguments I get into with people about what I believe versus what they believe are about their feelings. I present facts and they say they do not feel that what I am saying is true. They feel that I am wrong. But when I ask for the evidence to back up their claims suddenly the subject gets changed or there is just a repeated assertion that I am wrong.
It occurred to me recently that the things that I am sharing here are my thoughts in bits and pieces. The individual parts may not get through to a person any better than a face to face conversation. But here at least, I am not interrupted and can continue my chain of thinking from beginning to end. And maybe, just maybe once there is a large enough collection of my thoughts, ideas, reasons and ideals, the whole will begin to make sense to some of those that have struggled to understand me. That is one good reason to keep writing but it's not what guides my hand from day to day.
More tomorrow :)
Friday, July 5, 2013
Life in the right order
Some time ago, I took a workshop that focused on self empowerment.
One of the talking points was about the general mindset and perspective
of the average person. I discovered that most people have the belief
that you need to do a set of things, so that you can have a set of
things so that you can be happy.
It is kind of what the American dream is all about right? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and all that? Work hard, to get the things that you want and then you can relax and be happy with the results. There is a problem with this model though. What happens if you work as hard as you can and through no fault of your own, you are never able to have the things that you want? Every time you seem about to get a leg up, something happens and you just barely manage to break even. Then you are doomed to never obtain happiness. Do have be does not work.
In fact it is exactly backwards. If you start being the person you want to be, you will automatically begin to do the things that you need to get what it is that you want to have. For any personal or business venture in your life you need to ask yourself, who you need to be in order to be able to do the things that are necessary to get what you want to have.
So first, what do you want to have? Let's say the answer is a successful business. Who do you need to be? An open-minded entrepreneur . What do you need to do? Work hard and make lots of sales. Be an open-minded entrepreneur that works hard and makes lots of sales and you will have a successful business. What if you want a successful marriage? Who do you get to be? A loyal committed faithful spouse. What do you need to do? treat your mate with love, kindness and consideration. Be a loyal committed faithful spouse that treats their mate with love kindness and consideration and you will very likely have a successful marriage.
Why does it work this way? Because in no uncertain terms the do, have, be mindset is completely materialistic. It values objects above all else and defines the lack of material things as failure. It is also a victim mindset. In every instance where you do not have the things that you want you can complain and say if only this thing weren't in the way I could be happy.
The be do have mindset is the opposite end of the spectrum from that. It is about as responsible as one can get. When you look at what you want to have you are directly taking personal responsibility for your results. You are asking who do i have to be and what do I have to do, to get what it is that I want to have. Then once you have answered those questions you have a road map to getting what you want and nobody to blame but yourself for not having what you want.
It is kind of what the American dream is all about right? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and all that? Work hard, to get the things that you want and then you can relax and be happy with the results. There is a problem with this model though. What happens if you work as hard as you can and through no fault of your own, you are never able to have the things that you want? Every time you seem about to get a leg up, something happens and you just barely manage to break even. Then you are doomed to never obtain happiness. Do have be does not work.
In fact it is exactly backwards. If you start being the person you want to be, you will automatically begin to do the things that you need to get what it is that you want to have. For any personal or business venture in your life you need to ask yourself, who you need to be in order to be able to do the things that are necessary to get what you want to have.
So first, what do you want to have? Let's say the answer is a successful business. Who do you need to be? An open-minded entrepreneur . What do you need to do? Work hard and make lots of sales. Be an open-minded entrepreneur that works hard and makes lots of sales and you will have a successful business. What if you want a successful marriage? Who do you get to be? A loyal committed faithful spouse. What do you need to do? treat your mate with love, kindness and consideration. Be a loyal committed faithful spouse that treats their mate with love kindness and consideration and you will very likely have a successful marriage.
Why does it work this way? Because in no uncertain terms the do, have, be mindset is completely materialistic. It values objects above all else and defines the lack of material things as failure. It is also a victim mindset. In every instance where you do not have the things that you want you can complain and say if only this thing weren't in the way I could be happy.
The be do have mindset is the opposite end of the spectrum from that. It is about as responsible as one can get. When you look at what you want to have you are directly taking personal responsibility for your results. You are asking who do i have to be and what do I have to do, to get what it is that I want to have. Then once you have answered those questions you have a road map to getting what you want and nobody to blame but yourself for not having what you want.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Being an adult
The other night we had some friends over. And the actions of one led
to the damaging of property belonging to the other. The people involved
were two different guests who are acquaintances and while not the best
of friends, they do generally get along. It was completely an accident
but damage still occurred.
We, the people that own the house, are going to pay for the repairs incurred. Why? Shouldn't the person that took the action that caused the damage be responsible for paying the cost? Yes he should. But ultimately we are responsible for everything that happens under our roof. If we had not invited person A to our home, he would not have been here to damage person B's property. Likewise if person B had not been here, their property would not have been here to damage. We may not have physically done the damage, but we are responsible for setting up the circumstances by which the damage occurred.
I am however somewhat bothered that person A did not at least offer to pay for the damages. He directly took an action that caused the damage and then said he didn't really feel bad about it because he just knocked over an item that should not have been where it was. He is correct that it should not have been there. But, I just don't get the mind set. If I go to a house belonging to someone else and I knock over or break something, I feel bad about it and immediately offer to make reparations. It is just common courtesy. Then again, I guess that is just a logical fallacy, that courtesy is at all common.
Part of being a mature responsible adult is owning up to your mistakes and making reparations for any damage caused. If you are not going to take responsibility for what guests do when they are at your home, you should not invite guests into it. And if you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions when you are a guest, you should not be a guest.
We need to have a conversation about this with person A. This is not the first time something like this has happened with this specific person. In the past he has accidentally damaged something belonging to us and we shrugged it off. This is the first time that he has damaged property belonging to another guest. And the repair may be hundreds of dollars. We can and often will make the choice to shrug off damage done to us. We can not and will not shrug off damage done to the property or self of someone under our care.
He needs to know that we are going to pay for the damage done to our other friend's property because we are fully responsible for anything that happens inside our home. And then he needs to let us know what he intends to do about the fact that he damaged property that was, at least temporarily, under our care. Whether he wants it to be true or not he is fully responsible for every action he takes. If he refuses to accept that responsibility, then perhaps the nature of our relationship with him will need to change. I really do not want to see that happen, but if it must it must.
We, the people that own the house, are going to pay for the repairs incurred. Why? Shouldn't the person that took the action that caused the damage be responsible for paying the cost? Yes he should. But ultimately we are responsible for everything that happens under our roof. If we had not invited person A to our home, he would not have been here to damage person B's property. Likewise if person B had not been here, their property would not have been here to damage. We may not have physically done the damage, but we are responsible for setting up the circumstances by which the damage occurred.
I am however somewhat bothered that person A did not at least offer to pay for the damages. He directly took an action that caused the damage and then said he didn't really feel bad about it because he just knocked over an item that should not have been where it was. He is correct that it should not have been there. But, I just don't get the mind set. If I go to a house belonging to someone else and I knock over or break something, I feel bad about it and immediately offer to make reparations. It is just common courtesy. Then again, I guess that is just a logical fallacy, that courtesy is at all common.
Part of being a mature responsible adult is owning up to your mistakes and making reparations for any damage caused. If you are not going to take responsibility for what guests do when they are at your home, you should not invite guests into it. And if you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions when you are a guest, you should not be a guest.
We need to have a conversation about this with person A. This is not the first time something like this has happened with this specific person. In the past he has accidentally damaged something belonging to us and we shrugged it off. This is the first time that he has damaged property belonging to another guest. And the repair may be hundreds of dollars. We can and often will make the choice to shrug off damage done to us. We can not and will not shrug off damage done to the property or self of someone under our care.
He needs to know that we are going to pay for the damage done to our other friend's property because we are fully responsible for anything that happens inside our home. And then he needs to let us know what he intends to do about the fact that he damaged property that was, at least temporarily, under our care. Whether he wants it to be true or not he is fully responsible for every action he takes. If he refuses to accept that responsibility, then perhaps the nature of our relationship with him will need to change. I really do not want to see that happen, but if it must it must.
Lazy or Efficient?
Are you the kind of person that likes to just chill out and relax
whenever possible? Are you someone that puts in as little effort as
possible whenever possible? Do you come up with reasons not to do more
than you absolutely have to? Chances are that if this describes you, a
great many people think that you are lazy.
But, they might not be right. Lazy people share character traits with a certain other group that many people hold in somewhat high regard. Who you ask? Efficient people. Laziness and efficiency are both characterized by a great desire to put in little effort. The difference is the efficient person finds ways to put in as little effort as possible to get the maximum results and the lazy person just tries to avoid work altogether.
Why does the efficient person do this? Generally, so that they can spend more time relaxing or doing whatever else it is that they want to do. The less time you spend doing what you have to do, the more time there is for what you want to do.
How many people really want to mow their lawn, wash their car, paint their house or make repairs on their car or home? Not many I'd wager. But is it laziness or efficiency that leads them to pay someone else to do it for them? In some cases that is really a tough call. If you do not know how to do a task that needs to be done or if you are really bad at it, paying someone else to do it is more efficient. If you know how to do it but have a busy schedule and honestly do not have the time, paying someone else to do it is more efficient. If you are just avoiding the task with no real reason for it, you are probably being lazy.
But here's the thing. Without you playing twenty questions with me, you do not know my motivations and reasons for what I choose to do or not do. You can not fairly judge whether another person is being lazy or not about a specific thing. What seems lazy in one instance seems efficient in another instance. What happens is, you filter things into different categories based on how much work you do or would put into a given situation. The tendency is to call other people lazy for putting in very little effort in areas where we work hard and calling them efficient when those very same people get good results.
Think about it. You want as much of your time as possible to be free and without obligation don't you? You want to be able to get up when you want to and do what you want to when you want to without "needing" to do anything right?(lazy) And when you do have obligations to fulfill you want to be able to just flex a little and get a lot of payoff for your efforts right?(efficient)
I think that calling some people lazy and other people efficient is stupid. I think everyone is lazy and everyone is efficient. And some people are just better at each than others.
But, they might not be right. Lazy people share character traits with a certain other group that many people hold in somewhat high regard. Who you ask? Efficient people. Laziness and efficiency are both characterized by a great desire to put in little effort. The difference is the efficient person finds ways to put in as little effort as possible to get the maximum results and the lazy person just tries to avoid work altogether.
Why does the efficient person do this? Generally, so that they can spend more time relaxing or doing whatever else it is that they want to do. The less time you spend doing what you have to do, the more time there is for what you want to do.
How many people really want to mow their lawn, wash their car, paint their house or make repairs on their car or home? Not many I'd wager. But is it laziness or efficiency that leads them to pay someone else to do it for them? In some cases that is really a tough call. If you do not know how to do a task that needs to be done or if you are really bad at it, paying someone else to do it is more efficient. If you know how to do it but have a busy schedule and honestly do not have the time, paying someone else to do it is more efficient. If you are just avoiding the task with no real reason for it, you are probably being lazy.
But here's the thing. Without you playing twenty questions with me, you do not know my motivations and reasons for what I choose to do or not do. You can not fairly judge whether another person is being lazy or not about a specific thing. What seems lazy in one instance seems efficient in another instance. What happens is, you filter things into different categories based on how much work you do or would put into a given situation. The tendency is to call other people lazy for putting in very little effort in areas where we work hard and calling them efficient when those very same people get good results.
Think about it. You want as much of your time as possible to be free and without obligation don't you? You want to be able to get up when you want to and do what you want to when you want to without "needing" to do anything right?(lazy) And when you do have obligations to fulfill you want to be able to just flex a little and get a lot of payoff for your efforts right?(efficient)
I think that calling some people lazy and other people efficient is stupid. I think everyone is lazy and everyone is efficient. And some people are just better at each than others.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Smelly cat?
There is a habit or maybe more of a pattern that I have noticed
people have. They want to tell someone something but they are afraid
that the person they want to tell is going to get upset. Sometimes they
come to me for advice. And it goes something like this.
Person B has an offensive body odor and needs to take a shower. Person A is being driven crazy by the smells coming off of person B. But they hesitate to mention it to person B because due to past experience they think this information will upset person B. What should person A do?
Well, the bottom line here is to remember the only person that you absolutely cannot get away from is yourself. Your thoughts and beliefs are with you no matter what happens. If you have to make a choice about who to upset, if at all possible it should not be yourself.
If you do not say anything, then you will continue to suffer every time that person is around due to their strong aroma. AND you will suffer every time you think about it because you will be reminded about how bad it is each time you think about that person. This will lead to negative energy being stored up in your relationship with them. Every thought and interaction will be slightly colored by this energy and it will bring your friendship down.
It is very likely that you are not the only one that has noticed their body odor. So others are having to deal with this unpleasantness just like you are. While the other person probably does know that they are somewhat odiferous, they may not realize that that fact is potentially causing damage to multiple relationships in their life. So, you owe it to yourself, the smelly person and everyone they interact with to say something. But, what should you say?
Well, there is the part that amuses me. People are worried about how others will react to what they have to say, but they feel they need to say it anyways. My advice, invariably, is to phrase things just like that when they take it to the person they need to talk to.
Be mature and polite, but firm. In the above example I would go to my friend who needs a shower and I would tell him that I am concerned that what I have to say may upset him and that that is not my goal. But our friendship is important to me and this issue is very likely to disrupt our friendship if it continues. Then I would mention the unpleasant scent and request that he do something about it in the closest thing to the immediate future that is possible. If he resists or gets offended I would politely tell him that I understand how he feels but that if things continue in this manner I will be forced to go out of my way to avoid future interactions.
The issue does not have to be a smelly friend. The concept works with just about every issue that could come up. The formula as you can probably see, is to lead with the concern about what you have to say upsetting them, so that they know you are aware of their potential to be hurt or angered and that it is not your intention. Then point out how important your friendship is and that there is an issue that is getting in the way of you fully enjoying the relationship. Follow up, with what the issue is and your suggestions and requests for how it can be handled or eliminated. And again, politely but firmly, set an expectation for how you are likely to react if things are not remedied.
If they get upset after you go out of your way to let them know you are not intending to hurt or upset them, it is not your fault, or problem. It is theirs. And perhaps you should be re-evaluating your friendship with them anyways.
Most people that come to me for advice don't really need my advice. What they need is confirmation that they should do exactly what it is that they already believe they should. And that is advice that I enjoy giving.
Person B has an offensive body odor and needs to take a shower. Person A is being driven crazy by the smells coming off of person B. But they hesitate to mention it to person B because due to past experience they think this information will upset person B. What should person A do?
Well, the bottom line here is to remember the only person that you absolutely cannot get away from is yourself. Your thoughts and beliefs are with you no matter what happens. If you have to make a choice about who to upset, if at all possible it should not be yourself.
If you do not say anything, then you will continue to suffer every time that person is around due to their strong aroma. AND you will suffer every time you think about it because you will be reminded about how bad it is each time you think about that person. This will lead to negative energy being stored up in your relationship with them. Every thought and interaction will be slightly colored by this energy and it will bring your friendship down.
It is very likely that you are not the only one that has noticed their body odor. So others are having to deal with this unpleasantness just like you are. While the other person probably does know that they are somewhat odiferous, they may not realize that that fact is potentially causing damage to multiple relationships in their life. So, you owe it to yourself, the smelly person and everyone they interact with to say something. But, what should you say?
Well, there is the part that amuses me. People are worried about how others will react to what they have to say, but they feel they need to say it anyways. My advice, invariably, is to phrase things just like that when they take it to the person they need to talk to.
Be mature and polite, but firm. In the above example I would go to my friend who needs a shower and I would tell him that I am concerned that what I have to say may upset him and that that is not my goal. But our friendship is important to me and this issue is very likely to disrupt our friendship if it continues. Then I would mention the unpleasant scent and request that he do something about it in the closest thing to the immediate future that is possible. If he resists or gets offended I would politely tell him that I understand how he feels but that if things continue in this manner I will be forced to go out of my way to avoid future interactions.
The issue does not have to be a smelly friend. The concept works with just about every issue that could come up. The formula as you can probably see, is to lead with the concern about what you have to say upsetting them, so that they know you are aware of their potential to be hurt or angered and that it is not your intention. Then point out how important your friendship is and that there is an issue that is getting in the way of you fully enjoying the relationship. Follow up, with what the issue is and your suggestions and requests for how it can be handled or eliminated. And again, politely but firmly, set an expectation for how you are likely to react if things are not remedied.
If they get upset after you go out of your way to let them know you are not intending to hurt or upset them, it is not your fault, or problem. It is theirs. And perhaps you should be re-evaluating your friendship with them anyways.
Most people that come to me for advice don't really need my advice. What they need is confirmation that they should do exactly what it is that they already believe they should. And that is advice that I enjoy giving.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Random Musings
For over a decade I have been interested in self empowerment. I have
taken many steps on the path to self improvement and enlightenment.
There have been multiple workshops attended and dozens of books read.
And there have been massive improvements in my way of being. But it is a
never ending journey. There is always more work ahead. Sometimes
though, I have trouble remembering the way I used to be.
I recognize certain patterns and behaviors in people, things that I find horribly inefficient or just plain not useful at all. And I find myself wondering if I ever did those things. I watch what is going on and can see why the person is doing what they are doing even though it just seems so stupid to me. My tendency is to put myself in their place and to think about how I would act and react under similar circumstances.
In some ways I think I have nearly always been more advanced than those around me, especially people my own age. I do have a fairly high IQ and do not like making the same mistakes over and over. Many people learn from their own mistakes. I do too. But, I have found that it can be much more efficient to learn from the mistakes that you watch other people make. If you go to places where there are lots of people, all the time, like malls or convention centers you can watch dozens or even hundreds of people all around you and learn from the mistakes they make without ever needing to do the things that they do.
I was out with a friend today at a local fast food establishment. He and I were in the line together. He ordered and paid for his food. A solid ten minutes passed by before the cashier took my order. And I was the very next person in line behind my friend.
While we were waiting for our food there were more people in line behind us waiting to order. The cashier was taking one order at a time, waiting for the food and drink to be completely prepared for each order before taking another. She did not know where anything was on the register and had to call someone over several times to show her. The restaurant was not that busy. In the nearly 30 minutes it took my friend and I to order, pay for and receive our food, only about five customers were serviced at the counter. The cashier was just standing there after each order looking at the people who were preparing the food and waiting for them to hand it to her before turning around and handing it to the customer.
I have worked fast food before and even managed, so I know all of the things that she should have been doing. She had plenty of time to make sure that things like condiments, straws, cups and to go bags were fully stocked. She could have taken an extra moment or two to memorize the location of one of the items that she had had trouble finding on the register. She should have apologized for the wait and let us know that our food was coming soon. She could have engaged in polite conversation to make the wait seem less long. There was also plenty of time to wipe down the counters. AND she could have taken all of the other orders, so that it was obvious that the hold up was not her fault. It is obvious that she does not have a complete concept of how the whole operation works. There is almost never nothing to do in the food service business. Standing still is not supposed to happen. There is always something that you can do to make the process go smoother for the customer, even if it means offering to help someone with something that is not strictly "your job".
I could tell she believed she was doing her best though. So I didn't complain. It is difficult for me to tell, without knowing them better, when someone is ignorant due to being new, incompetent because they simply don't care or is actually too stupid to be taught. I also find myself wondering if she is a person of average intelligence. Is standing around waiting for others to make things happen the average thing to do?
I recognize certain patterns and behaviors in people, things that I find horribly inefficient or just plain not useful at all. And I find myself wondering if I ever did those things. I watch what is going on and can see why the person is doing what they are doing even though it just seems so stupid to me. My tendency is to put myself in their place and to think about how I would act and react under similar circumstances.
In some ways I think I have nearly always been more advanced than those around me, especially people my own age. I do have a fairly high IQ and do not like making the same mistakes over and over. Many people learn from their own mistakes. I do too. But, I have found that it can be much more efficient to learn from the mistakes that you watch other people make. If you go to places where there are lots of people, all the time, like malls or convention centers you can watch dozens or even hundreds of people all around you and learn from the mistakes they make without ever needing to do the things that they do.
I was out with a friend today at a local fast food establishment. He and I were in the line together. He ordered and paid for his food. A solid ten minutes passed by before the cashier took my order. And I was the very next person in line behind my friend.
While we were waiting for our food there were more people in line behind us waiting to order. The cashier was taking one order at a time, waiting for the food and drink to be completely prepared for each order before taking another. She did not know where anything was on the register and had to call someone over several times to show her. The restaurant was not that busy. In the nearly 30 minutes it took my friend and I to order, pay for and receive our food, only about five customers were serviced at the counter. The cashier was just standing there after each order looking at the people who were preparing the food and waiting for them to hand it to her before turning around and handing it to the customer.
I have worked fast food before and even managed, so I know all of the things that she should have been doing. She had plenty of time to make sure that things like condiments, straws, cups and to go bags were fully stocked. She could have taken an extra moment or two to memorize the location of one of the items that she had had trouble finding on the register. She should have apologized for the wait and let us know that our food was coming soon. She could have engaged in polite conversation to make the wait seem less long. There was also plenty of time to wipe down the counters. AND she could have taken all of the other orders, so that it was obvious that the hold up was not her fault. It is obvious that she does not have a complete concept of how the whole operation works. There is almost never nothing to do in the food service business. Standing still is not supposed to happen. There is always something that you can do to make the process go smoother for the customer, even if it means offering to help someone with something that is not strictly "your job".
I could tell she believed she was doing her best though. So I didn't complain. It is difficult for me to tell, without knowing them better, when someone is ignorant due to being new, incompetent because they simply don't care or is actually too stupid to be taught. I also find myself wondering if she is a person of average intelligence. Is standing around waiting for others to make things happen the average thing to do?
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