The right frame

In nearly every situation there are many possible different outcomes.Usually though, there's one in particular that you are pushing for, one way that you want things to be and many that are not acceptable to you. If you are the only one that has anything invested or at stake, then it is not that hard to drive things in the direction that is favorable to you.

But what if there's another person who very strongly cares about the outcome too, only what they want is different than what you want? You could always bludgeon them about the head and shoulders repeatedly with a heavy object until you get your way. However, that method, while solving one problem opens up a whole barrel of others.

You could yell and argue, call the other person stupid for not seeing the "correct" way and just generally attempt to out stubborn the other person.This is the way many people handle things. But, it rarely ever works unless one person is in authority over another as in the cases of the parent/child  or boss/employee relationship. And even when it does there are often harsh negative feelings engendered that hang around long after the argument is over.

There has to be a better way. What is it?

To answer that question another question is necessary. Why are they disagreeing with you in the first place? Most of the time, the reason is due to a difference in paradigm or frame of reference. Your collection of knowledge, thoughts, feelings and experiences cause you to see the situation one way. Their collection of knowledge, thoughts,feelings and experiences cause them to see it a completely different way.

If you want any hope of getting your way, you need to first see and understand things their way. Then once you understand their frame of reference, ask simple yes or no questions that they will say yes to, things that show you understand their point of view. Things like: You want things to be x way because of y thing, right? A is better than B because of C, right? Use however many are necessary to paint a picture of their viewpoint. Usually somewhere between three and seven of these questions is good.

What you are doing here is two things. First you are showing that you understand their point of view, that you get it. Second and more importantly you are getting them to say yes repeatedly to questions you ask. This is a very powerful psychological tool. A person that starts a conversation in a yes frame of mind will be easier to lead to your conclusion than one that starts out with no's.

So, you get their point of view, and they know you get it. What next?

Now, in your mind, compare your point of view to theirs. See the differences. Look for the pros and cons of each. Weigh them in your mind and if you still think your way is better continue.

Taking logical steps, move one step at a time away from their point of view. Ask questions that point out the flaws in their way, but don't do it directly. And whenever possible ask questions they will answer yes to. Something like, wouldn't you want to have the outcome that benefits you the most? Then point out that their way isn't the one that benefits them the most. Explain why, but don't suggest your way as a replacement. Not yet.

Keep pointing out the ways in which what they think they want isn't really all that good for them. Now, start moving towards your point of view. Get more yes's . Wouldn't it be better if there were a way to include x thing in the outcome? Don't you agree that a solution that doesn't have the negative things we have talked about so far would be better? Move from talking about the flaws of their way to the benefits of some other better way. Use the pros and cons as a guideline for letting them construct the best solution. (your solution)Gradually, you get them to decide for themselves that your way is the only way that will work, without you even mentioning that it is your way.

You do have a preference, your own point of view. But, the bottom line is, people really only care about their own point of view and their own benefit. So, you flip things around and bring them to the point where they do what you want because they have decided for themselves that it is the best solution for a given situation.

Are you on the same level?

Have you ever found yourself getting deeply into a discussion about something that you are very passionate about and realizing about half way in that everyone around you is just kind of staring blankly at you because they have no idea what it is that you are talking about?

This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time. And what was worse, I had no idea why they were lost. It seemed to me that the things that I was talking about were often not that complicated. I mean sure they were based on something that was based on something that was based on something. But if you knew and were familiar with those three somethings, then the thing that I was talking about seemed self evident. Okay, so maybe it was kind of complicated.

Even though I knew it subconsciously, it took me a long time to realize that we all have different experiences in life that make us who we are. Every single thing that happens to us helps us to form a frame of reference for what goes on in our life. Every single person's frame of reference is different. And if your frame of reference does not include similar experiences to the person that you are talking to, when you get into certain topics you are sure to lose them. Even now, I need to be reminded of this from time to time.

There are two basic ways to prevent this. The first is to ask questions to determine the other person's overall general knowledge of the subject that you want to discuss. That way you can tailor what you say and how you say it to the specific level of knowledge that the person you are speaking to happens to have. Depending on the person this could be quite a long onerous process.If the other person has partial knowledge of what it is that you want to discuss, this is usually the better way.

The other way is to assume that the person is a completely blank slate and has absolutely no knowledge whatsoever about the topic of which you wish to speak. In this case, you can treat everyone the same. You start at the very beginning and step by step get to the more complicated stuff, once the listener has indicated that they understand and agree with the first part(s). At any point the listener can inform you that they understand the part you are explaining and you can move on to the next point. OR at any point they can ask questions to increase their level of clarity. I prefer this method because I enjoy treating everyone as if they were equals. It usually takes a little longer but I do not have to memorize four or five different ways to explain a thing. If you properly explain all of the steps leading up to a thing, when you finally get to your point, that point will seem natural and self evident.

Doing either of these things may seem like a hassle but if you want people to be into the kinds of things that you are passionate about then you are going to need to be able to talk to them about those things without them constantly looking at you like you just grew another head. That way you can share the things you love with the people you love and you can grow and enjoy life together. And isn't that really what we all want?