Ask before you tell.

"You can only boost a man up a ladder if he is willing to climb"

That's a recent quote I found inside a fortune cookie. And while it may not be perfectly worded it is very true. The people in our group do their very best to help other people whenever possible, but what often happens is we spend a great deal of time and effort struggling to provide assistance to someone that isn't even looking for it.

We each have our own beliefs as to what life should be like and even those of us with similar visions still don't see things exactly the same way. And quite often we get stuck in our own head. We take it for granted that other people see things the same way we do and that they think the same things we do. So with this image of how things should be, we offer to assist others in coming more in line with our vision. But they refuse the assistance and we become momentarily confused.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. There's a whole bunch of different ways of saying it. They all basically mean the same thing. Don't waste your time attempting to help or change someone that doesn't want it.

A lot of people, women in particular, tend to decide that they know how a person, generally a man, ought to be. And with the right manipulation, they think that they can change that person into exactly who he should be.Without asking him what he thinks, or giving him a chance to say how he would like to be, they begin the long arduous process of turning him from the person he is into the person they want him to be.

Typically, somewhere along the way arguments spring up because she pushes him in a direction he has no interest in and often does not have any idea why she is even pushing him in that direction. She says she is doing it for his own good. He disagrees. They fight. She gets hurt because she feels she is doing the right thing He gets mad at her attempt to control him.

Her vision and his vision are different. If they sat down and talked about it, there's a chance they could unify their visions and work towards the same goal. But as long as she has a secret agenda that he knows nothing about she is going to want him to change in ways that he has no interest in and he is not going to understand why she is offering. People are the way they are because it is how they want to be. You are not going to get a person to change without them agreeing to, without them deciding for themselves that change would be good.

The problem here comes from assuming that one knows what is best for another. And that is something that is very rarely ever true, at least where adults are concerned. If you want to assist a person first find out if they are open to assistance. Ask questions. Be clear on what it is that they want and what it is that they do not want.  If they do not want coaching, guidance or support your efforts to provide those things are guaranteed to fail. If they do not want to change, don't try to change them.

The thoughts and solutions of crazy people

Do you talk to yourself? Of course you don't. Only scary, crazy homeless people do that. Or probably more accurately, of course you do, you just don't admit it because you don't want people to think you are one of  "those" people.

But have you ever had this problem that you really were struggling to come up with a solution for? Or something that you were just having trouble coming to terms with? What do we do when that happens? When we get lost we tend to look to others for a solution.

So we take some trusted person, be it lover, friend or family member and set aside some time to talk. The other person is all nervous because they are worried about you and what this problem is that you can't solve (but haven't told them anything about up until this point). They aren't even sure that they will be able to help you.

So the conversation begins. You outline the problem, explaining exactly why it is an issue, who it creates hardship for and all of the negative things associated with it. You go into detail about how long this has been going on and what will happen if the problem isn't fixed.

The other person listens for a few minutes, formulates their own opinions and prepares to give you advice. But every time they open up their mouths to speak you rush on with more about the situation, eventually explaining all the possible choices. You weigh the pros and cons of each solution, where they work and where they fail, making the cases both for and against, as if you were defendant and prosecutor all at once. After a very lengthy monologue, you decide what the best possible solution is and resolve to go with that method.

Then what happens?  You thank your confidante for their assistance, promise to talk again soon and send the very flabbergasted and confused person on their way.

They thought they were coming to your aid. They believed the purpose of their visit was to help you solve a problem that you did not see a solution to. And it was. And they did.Sort of.

The other person is just a tool. A sounding board if you will. They aren't really necessary in this process, as long as you are willing to talk to yourself. Out loud. You don't have to do it while wearing rags and in the middle of the street. It could be a fun exercise though :)

See what most people don't realize is that they don't want advice. What they really want is to hear their own thoughts, out loud. What a person thinks may sound perfectly reasonable in ones own head, but when said out loud it suddenly becomes clear that one option is better than all the others.

Don't take this the wrong way. We do need other people in our lives and there is nothing wrong with sharing our experiences with them. And if we truly can not solve our own problems asking others for advice is a great idea. But, we seldom really need the help. Most of the time we have all the information that we need to solve nearly any problem that comes up We just need to be able to sort out our thoughts and prioritize them until the solution rises to the top of the pile of options.