Before getting around to the answer to this question, first, what does punctual mean? No, I assure you, it does not mean using question marks, commas and exclamation points in the right places. That is proper usage of punctuation and while that is a very important part of communication, it is not what this topic is about.
Being punctual simply means being on time for whatever engagement you have agreed to arrive for. On time, not two hours late, not thirty, ten or even one minute late. You don't have to be an hour early, but if you are even one minute late, then you are not on time.
So, what? You're a few minutes late. Who cares right? It's not that big of a deal is it? Well that depends on what kind of message you are attempting to send the person you have the agreement with.
See, most people spend nearly the entirety of their life attempting to increase the amount of money that they have. We all have monthly bills and it seems like money is a limited commodity. It isn't though. Through creativity and hard work you can acquire more and more money. Even so, there is more money in the world than you could ever hope to accumulate. And even if that weren't the case, we can always just print more. Money is nothing but a symbol.
Time on the other hand is different. There is an infinite amount of time, but not for each person. Each person only has so much time in their life. Whether you measure it in breaths, heartbeats or minutes, a person will only ever have so much.
And every moment that a person wastes waiting for you to show up is a moment that they cannot get back no matter what happens. You can offer to "make it up" to them but there is truly nothing a person can offer that is equal to not having that time anymore. So, every single time that you are late, you are stealing time from someone else. You are stealing life, just like a vampire, but without the fangs.
Not only that, but you are telling the other person just how selfish you really are. You are telling them that you don't care about them and what matters to them. You are telling them that whatever it is that you are doing that is making you late is more important than whatever it is that they wanted to do.
Is being punctual important? I can't decide that for you. I guess it depends on what kind of message you want to send to others. For me it is important. Theft of vitae + massive disrespect seems like a recipe for loneliness to me.
To be fair, life is complicated and it is not always possible to keep your commitments exactly as they are scheduled. But if one event is running over and keeping you from the next thing that you are supposed to be doing, common courtesy is to let the next person waiting on you know what is going on and whether or not to still expect you or if you need to reschedule, before you are late not after.
Showing posts with label time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label time. Show all posts
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Resistance is futile
The Borg. They are a recurring "alien" race on various Star Trek TV shows. These people are basically humanoid but have had certain hardware bonded to their bodies such that they are a truly fascinating amalgamation of flesh and technology. They are truly bio-mechanical beings that can easily survive in hostile environments that would kill most people. The Borg have existed for millenia and spend their time flying around the galaxy assimilating other races and technologies.
They have a hive mind and each individual that becomes part of the collective adds to their pool of knowledge and resources. So, they have the might and technological know-how of trillions of people collected over thousands of years. The Borg can operate for days on end without tiring, have no fear and can adapt almost instantly to any type of attack, preventing the same thing from ever working on them twice.
These people have nowhere else to be other than wherever they happen to be at the moment and can always focus their entire time and attention to the current goal. It is their belief that given enough time they cannot fail and will always overwhelm their opponents in the end. You may win a battle with the Borg, but you will not win the war. They know this because they have thousands of years of history showing this to be true.
So their catchphrase is that resistance is futile. They have more time, resources and knowledge than you. Eventually, you will either give in or die. And with very few exceptions they are right.
I think of this when people are resisting things that are happening in their lives. Some things can be avoided or deflected in other directions. Some things though are unavoidable, things like the passage of time, the death of a loved one, someone falling out of love with you or the loss of your job once the decision to cut you loose has been made. Resisting and or denying those things doesn't get you anywhere. It often makes you look foolish to others, never makes the situation better and often makes it much worse.
A few years ago, a friend of mine in Lifespring had a phrase that kinda stuck with me. He used to say what you resist persists. At first I didn't get it. But, after some thought it started to make sense. When we spend time and energy resisting something, an equal amount of time and energy somehow ends up getting put into resisting us back . Think about it.
If someone tells you that they want you to stop wearing black shoes and you want to wear black shoes, you will automatically resist their request. You may have ten other pairs of shoes that are not black, but suddenly the desire to wear any other color is gone. You will wear your black shoes because who are they to tell you what to wear? The other person will see your black shoes and whether they say anything or not, their energy towards you will change.
They will likely become hostile or even aggressive at times when there doesn't seem like any rhyme or reason for it. A completely unnecessary mini war breaks out between the two of you over why you should or shouldn't be allowed to wear your black shoes. The whole thing could be avoided by you simply wearing different shoes, or by finding out the reason for the complaint and maybe coming to some compromise. But when we put energy into defending a thing, we are signaling to others, even if we don't mean to be, that we want them to be aggressive. What we see as a thing intended to protect us from attack others often see as a request for an attack, a challenge if you will.
So, while just giving in isn't really a viable option neither is fighting. Resistance is futile. Its just like running from a bear. Don't bother. You will just die tired.
They have a hive mind and each individual that becomes part of the collective adds to their pool of knowledge and resources. So, they have the might and technological know-how of trillions of people collected over thousands of years. The Borg can operate for days on end without tiring, have no fear and can adapt almost instantly to any type of attack, preventing the same thing from ever working on them twice.
These people have nowhere else to be other than wherever they happen to be at the moment and can always focus their entire time and attention to the current goal. It is their belief that given enough time they cannot fail and will always overwhelm their opponents in the end. You may win a battle with the Borg, but you will not win the war. They know this because they have thousands of years of history showing this to be true.
So their catchphrase is that resistance is futile. They have more time, resources and knowledge than you. Eventually, you will either give in or die. And with very few exceptions they are right.
I think of this when people are resisting things that are happening in their lives. Some things can be avoided or deflected in other directions. Some things though are unavoidable, things like the passage of time, the death of a loved one, someone falling out of love with you or the loss of your job once the decision to cut you loose has been made. Resisting and or denying those things doesn't get you anywhere. It often makes you look foolish to others, never makes the situation better and often makes it much worse.
A few years ago, a friend of mine in Lifespring had a phrase that kinda stuck with me. He used to say what you resist persists. At first I didn't get it. But, after some thought it started to make sense. When we spend time and energy resisting something, an equal amount of time and energy somehow ends up getting put into resisting us back . Think about it.
If someone tells you that they want you to stop wearing black shoes and you want to wear black shoes, you will automatically resist their request. You may have ten other pairs of shoes that are not black, but suddenly the desire to wear any other color is gone. You will wear your black shoes because who are they to tell you what to wear? The other person will see your black shoes and whether they say anything or not, their energy towards you will change.
They will likely become hostile or even aggressive at times when there doesn't seem like any rhyme or reason for it. A completely unnecessary mini war breaks out between the two of you over why you should or shouldn't be allowed to wear your black shoes. The whole thing could be avoided by you simply wearing different shoes, or by finding out the reason for the complaint and maybe coming to some compromise. But when we put energy into defending a thing, we are signaling to others, even if we don't mean to be, that we want them to be aggressive. What we see as a thing intended to protect us from attack others often see as a request for an attack, a challenge if you will.
So, while just giving in isn't really a viable option neither is fighting. Resistance is futile. Its just like running from a bear. Don't bother. You will just die tired.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Beyond Good and Evil pt1
Nearly a year ago I talked about definitions for good and evil and how often one or the other is subjective due to circumstance. An action that is good for one may be bad for another and vice versa. At the time I promised more on the subject. However, there was so much more I wanted to say about other things that it got pushed aside. Today I am back for more on the topic.
Many stories, in both print and digital format have clearly defined boundaries. The presence or lack thereof of a character's moral fiber is easy to see. You often know from the very beginning who is the "good" guy and who is the bad. I am of course talking about classic tales of good and evil, things like Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood, Godzilla and other such fairy tales.
Life however isn't really much like those stories. Sure many of the components are there, romance, conflict and even the choices to do good or bad things. But, do those choices make us good or bad people? No, not really. And yes absolutely depending on your point of view. Seeing things as polarized, as black or white means ignoring all the colors in between. There is so much more but we often choose not to see it. So, of course, with any question where I answer on both sides of the fence more explanation is required.
Things happen during our daily lives. They don't happen to us. They just happen and we happen to be there when they do. During our lifetime we have a collection of things that we decide to do based on what the things are that happen. Some of those choices are good for us. Others are bad. Some of the choices that are good for us are good for others and some of them are bad for others. We are not the accumulation of all of these things. The accumulation of all these things is called experience. We are not our experiences. They are simply things that are in our past that we can use to assist us in choosing what to do in the future.
A person that has made many good choices in the past is often viewed as a good person especially if those choices have positively affected others. Conversely a person who has made many bad choices is often viewed as a bad person. These labels are not fair because they simply represent what we decided to do at given points in our lives. Other people do not live inside our heads. They do not know what went into making those decisions. So they are not qualified to judge. Also, and more importantly, at any given moment we are free to make new choices and take new actions that do not match those of what we have done in the past.
Think for a moment about a person who has been arrested for robbing a bank. Most people from that point on think of that person as a criminal. They see that person as someone that cannot be trusted. They did it once they will just do it again, right? Many times people that do these things are desperate. They know what they are doing is wrong but don't see any other option. And after spending time in jail for their failure many of them would never attempt anything so foolish again.
Many stories, in both print and digital format have clearly defined boundaries. The presence or lack thereof of a character's moral fiber is easy to see. You often know from the very beginning who is the "good" guy and who is the bad. I am of course talking about classic tales of good and evil, things like Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood, Godzilla and other such fairy tales.
Life however isn't really much like those stories. Sure many of the components are there, romance, conflict and even the choices to do good or bad things. But, do those choices make us good or bad people? No, not really. And yes absolutely depending on your point of view. Seeing things as polarized, as black or white means ignoring all the colors in between. There is so much more but we often choose not to see it. So, of course, with any question where I answer on both sides of the fence more explanation is required.
Things happen during our daily lives. They don't happen to us. They just happen and we happen to be there when they do. During our lifetime we have a collection of things that we decide to do based on what the things are that happen. Some of those choices are good for us. Others are bad. Some of the choices that are good for us are good for others and some of them are bad for others. We are not the accumulation of all of these things. The accumulation of all these things is called experience. We are not our experiences. They are simply things that are in our past that we can use to assist us in choosing what to do in the future.
A person that has made many good choices in the past is often viewed as a good person especially if those choices have positively affected others. Conversely a person who has made many bad choices is often viewed as a bad person. These labels are not fair because they simply represent what we decided to do at given points in our lives. Other people do not live inside our heads. They do not know what went into making those decisions. So they are not qualified to judge. Also, and more importantly, at any given moment we are free to make new choices and take new actions that do not match those of what we have done in the past.
Think for a moment about a person who has been arrested for robbing a bank. Most people from that point on think of that person as a criminal. They see that person as someone that cannot be trusted. They did it once they will just do it again, right? Many times people that do these things are desperate. They know what they are doing is wrong but don't see any other option. And after spending time in jail for their failure many of them would never attempt anything so foolish again.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Money creates boredom
I was having this conversation with someone online the other day and he said something that I found pretty difficult to believe. Somehow the conversation turned to wealth. The gentleman that I was talking to asserted very strongly that if the average person became rich, they would become bored after only a few months if they didn't have to work. He made it very clear that he would feel that way personally, but that he wasn't talking about just himself. It was his belief that pretty much everyone would want to go back to work within a year or two.
So, I thought about what an "average" person's life is like. You are startled out of a sound sleep by the clanging and clamoring of an alarm clock, cursing the person who set up this cruel torture device, only to remember that it was you. Still bleary eyed, you stumble into the shower cursing alternately as it starts out too cold and then gets too hot for comfort.
After the ritual dowsing of water and whatever other super secret things you do in the bathroom, you emerge covered in different, clean scents and dress for the day. You pour yourself a "cup of ambition", as Dolly Parton would say, and head out into gridlock on your way to the cubicle farm.
There are a few close calls, but you arrive safely at work. Then a whole new set of trials and tribulations awaits you, customer complaints, bosses demanding impossible things by the day before yesterday and other such pleasantries. Eventually, the work day ends and you head back out into the concrete jungle for your homeward journey.
When you do finally arrive home, frustrated and exhausted, often you find that you really just want to call it a day and hope tomorrow is better. Before that though there is some time in front of the television and maybe even some dinner.
If you are single, it ends there. However, if you are married, have children or both, there is so much more in between each other little detail of your day and so much less time to do it. You love your family and desperately want to spend more time with them but the focus and attention that you give to them takes away from other things that are nearly, if not just as important as they are and you find yourself being stretched too thin with no relief in sight.
Well, there is that one to two weeks a year that you shut out work and all the frustrating exhausting things that drive you nuts the rest of the time. That two percent of the year you relax and unwind. You let it all go and recharge your batteries so to speak.
And that is where my side of the discussion comes in. What if you could afford to stretch that two week vacation into a lifetime of no more alarm clocks? What would it be like, if you could wake up whenever and wherever you wanted to, refreshed because you actually got enough sleep?
Imagine with me. If you wanted to, you could hang out with the kids watching television and playing video games all day. You could go anywhere or do anything that you want. Go water skiing, travel around the world, backpack through the Appalachians, visit every theme park on the planet. Take your spouse to Rome, Paris, or Tahiti. Why pick one? Do them all. Turn that once per month hobby into a once per day thing. Pick up some new hobbies.
In my personal life, I have quite a bit of free time and I don't ever get bored. What limits me from doing a great many more things is not having the funds to do so. If there was more money available there would be more options, more things to do. Unless one is limited in imagination how can more options lead to less fun?
So, I thought about what an "average" person's life is like. You are startled out of a sound sleep by the clanging and clamoring of an alarm clock, cursing the person who set up this cruel torture device, only to remember that it was you. Still bleary eyed, you stumble into the shower cursing alternately as it starts out too cold and then gets too hot for comfort.
After the ritual dowsing of water and whatever other super secret things you do in the bathroom, you emerge covered in different, clean scents and dress for the day. You pour yourself a "cup of ambition", as Dolly Parton would say, and head out into gridlock on your way to the cubicle farm.
There are a few close calls, but you arrive safely at work. Then a whole new set of trials and tribulations awaits you, customer complaints, bosses demanding impossible things by the day before yesterday and other such pleasantries. Eventually, the work day ends and you head back out into the concrete jungle for your homeward journey.
When you do finally arrive home, frustrated and exhausted, often you find that you really just want to call it a day and hope tomorrow is better. Before that though there is some time in front of the television and maybe even some dinner.
If you are single, it ends there. However, if you are married, have children or both, there is so much more in between each other little detail of your day and so much less time to do it. You love your family and desperately want to spend more time with them but the focus and attention that you give to them takes away from other things that are nearly, if not just as important as they are and you find yourself being stretched too thin with no relief in sight.
Well, there is that one to two weeks a year that you shut out work and all the frustrating exhausting things that drive you nuts the rest of the time. That two percent of the year you relax and unwind. You let it all go and recharge your batteries so to speak.
And that is where my side of the discussion comes in. What if you could afford to stretch that two week vacation into a lifetime of no more alarm clocks? What would it be like, if you could wake up whenever and wherever you wanted to, refreshed because you actually got enough sleep?
Imagine with me. If you wanted to, you could hang out with the kids watching television and playing video games all day. You could go anywhere or do anything that you want. Go water skiing, travel around the world, backpack through the Appalachians, visit every theme park on the planet. Take your spouse to Rome, Paris, or Tahiti. Why pick one? Do them all. Turn that once per month hobby into a once per day thing. Pick up some new hobbies.
In my personal life, I have quite a bit of free time and I don't ever get bored. What limits me from doing a great many more things is not having the funds to do so. If there was more money available there would be more options, more things to do. Unless one is limited in imagination how can more options lead to less fun?
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Why can't we all just get along?
The late great George Carlin, one of my all time favorite comedians, used to do a bit about growing up Catholic. He would relate a lot of his experiences many of them as things that just didn't make sense to him. After all that's really what comedians do. They talk about things that don't make sense and share with their audience the wrongness of things. And that wrongness makes us laugh. It is literally what humor is.
But sometimes once the laughter dies down and you've had some time to think about things you realize things don't have to be that way. Part of making the world a better place is about first observing that something is wrong with it. And then doing our best to make it right. The particular conversation that he has about the Bible that has stuck with me the most is about the ten commandments.
He would go down the list a few times and each time he would show how one commandment was similar to one or two others. He would then say if the commandment in question was already covered somewhere else there was no need for redundancy and it could be removed. It was very well done. At the end he would have just one or two commandments and decided that they could be summed up by one simple all encompassing commandment.
Don't be an a$$#01e.
The basic premise of all the commandments is sort of the inverse of the "golden rule" . Don't do things to other people that you don't want them doing to you or anything of yours. If you think about it, this is really what the ten commandments are all about. If you wouldn't want it to happen to you, don't do it or make it happen to someone else.
Jesus apparently agreed with George Carlin. Or maybe it was the other way around. Because when questioned about what really mattered Jesus basically said "love god and love your neighbor as yourself and that's it" http://lnk.to/VfTqX
Bill and Ted agree, when asked what is important they say several times "Just be excellent to one another". So pop culture and the Bible agree. What about other religions? The Wiccan rede, An ye harm none do as thou wilt, which a great many "pagans" subscribe to seems to follow the same basic philosophy as Carlin. My understanding of Islam is somewhat limited but what I have read of the Koran does seem to lean towards peaceful living and tolerance of others. Also I have very little personal experience with Judaism but what I have seen and heard leads me to believe it is just as tolerant and forgiving as Christianity or Islam. Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism are very much about acceptance and tolerance.
As far as indigenous tribes, while some have indeed been very warlike, many of them have lived peacefully off the land for hundreds or thousands of years as complete pacifists. Some of them did not even have a word in their language for the concept of war until they encountered more "modern" societies.
Nearly every major religion, philosophy and faith has George Carlin's one commandment deeply ingrained within its roots. It is the key to living in peace and happiness. It is all that is required in order for us to be able to get along with one another. But the world is in a terrible state with many people just out for themselves with no concern for others. We don't live with this world alone. We share it with other people that have the same kinds of thoughts, concerns, feelings, hopes and dreams that we do.
Why don't more of us follow George Carlin's commandment? Why not start following it now?
But sometimes once the laughter dies down and you've had some time to think about things you realize things don't have to be that way. Part of making the world a better place is about first observing that something is wrong with it. And then doing our best to make it right. The particular conversation that he has about the Bible that has stuck with me the most is about the ten commandments.
He would go down the list a few times and each time he would show how one commandment was similar to one or two others. He would then say if the commandment in question was already covered somewhere else there was no need for redundancy and it could be removed. It was very well done. At the end he would have just one or two commandments and decided that they could be summed up by one simple all encompassing commandment.
Don't be an a$$#01e.
The basic premise of all the commandments is sort of the inverse of the "golden rule" . Don't do things to other people that you don't want them doing to you or anything of yours. If you think about it, this is really what the ten commandments are all about. If you wouldn't want it to happen to you, don't do it or make it happen to someone else.
Jesus apparently agreed with George Carlin. Or maybe it was the other way around. Because when questioned about what really mattered Jesus basically said "love god and love your neighbor as yourself and that's it" http://lnk.to/VfTqX
Bill and Ted agree, when asked what is important they say several times "Just be excellent to one another". So pop culture and the Bible agree. What about other religions? The Wiccan rede, An ye harm none do as thou wilt, which a great many "pagans" subscribe to seems to follow the same basic philosophy as Carlin. My understanding of Islam is somewhat limited but what I have read of the Koran does seem to lean towards peaceful living and tolerance of others. Also I have very little personal experience with Judaism but what I have seen and heard leads me to believe it is just as tolerant and forgiving as Christianity or Islam. Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism are very much about acceptance and tolerance.
As far as indigenous tribes, while some have indeed been very warlike, many of them have lived peacefully off the land for hundreds or thousands of years as complete pacifists. Some of them did not even have a word in their language for the concept of war until they encountered more "modern" societies.
Nearly every major religion, philosophy and faith has George Carlin's one commandment deeply ingrained within its roots. It is the key to living in peace and happiness. It is all that is required in order for us to be able to get along with one another. But the world is in a terrible state with many people just out for themselves with no concern for others. We don't live with this world alone. We share it with other people that have the same kinds of thoughts, concerns, feelings, hopes and dreams that we do.
Why don't more of us follow George Carlin's commandment? Why not start following it now?
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Just do it!
We have a tendency to avoid things that we find unpleasant or that we really don't want to deal with. When something comes up that is suboptimal, we often steer ourselves in a different direction. We believe our lives are made better by finding a different path. This is often not the case.
The other night I heard a conversation between a couple of my roommates. One was going to cook dinner. Impeding her progress was a specific dirty dish. Now I am not clear on whether or not she was going to use the dish to cook with or if the issue was that it was just physically in her way, preventing her from having full access to the sink or counters and whatnot.
But instead of simply washing the dish and then going on about her business of cooking a tasty meal, she decided not to cook. Worry not, she didn't starve. Other food arrangements were made. The point is extra time and money were spent that didn't need to be.
Then the next night, she came into the kitchen, again, planning to cook dinner. Immediately a string of curses could be heard as she started swearing about how that same dish was still there, still dirty. Two days in a row her ability to cook was being hampered by her choice to let a single dirty dish get in her way.
Now, I am not suggesting that we should just ignore the fact that other people leave things in a less than perfect state. It is not okay for us as adults to leave messes behind for other people to clean up. But why let something that would take less than two minutes to wash dry and put away change our plans for the evening? Not only do these things take up our time and energy, we take up the time and energy of others complaining about them. That time and energy could be put to better use finding out who left out the unclean item and getting a commitment from them to do a better job cleaning up after themselves in the future.
We have agreements to keep our home clean, for each person to make sure they don't leave behind things for others to deal with. But, none of us are perfect and from time to time we are going to make mistakes. Some of us more than others, but it happens to all of us. Taking it personally, getting upset or angry when others fail to do as they have agreed does nothing but ruin your mood.
And letting these little things get in the way of our plans for the day, is literally allowing the mistakes of others to control our lives. Each time a big thing doesn't happen or has to happen differently just because we decide to avoid dealing with a little thing that little thing is controlling us. Think about your daily life. How many things are changed or even prevented from happening simply by things that you don't want to, but probably should deal with?
Scary, dangerous, life altering/ending things I can understand not wanting to handle. But something that will only take a couple of minutes to handle and has no other major impact on anything? Just do it and get on with your day.
The other night I heard a conversation between a couple of my roommates. One was going to cook dinner. Impeding her progress was a specific dirty dish. Now I am not clear on whether or not she was going to use the dish to cook with or if the issue was that it was just physically in her way, preventing her from having full access to the sink or counters and whatnot.
But instead of simply washing the dish and then going on about her business of cooking a tasty meal, she decided not to cook. Worry not, she didn't starve. Other food arrangements were made. The point is extra time and money were spent that didn't need to be.
Then the next night, she came into the kitchen, again, planning to cook dinner. Immediately a string of curses could be heard as she started swearing about how that same dish was still there, still dirty. Two days in a row her ability to cook was being hampered by her choice to let a single dirty dish get in her way.
Now, I am not suggesting that we should just ignore the fact that other people leave things in a less than perfect state. It is not okay for us as adults to leave messes behind for other people to clean up. But why let something that would take less than two minutes to wash dry and put away change our plans for the evening? Not only do these things take up our time and energy, we take up the time and energy of others complaining about them. That time and energy could be put to better use finding out who left out the unclean item and getting a commitment from them to do a better job cleaning up after themselves in the future.
We have agreements to keep our home clean, for each person to make sure they don't leave behind things for others to deal with. But, none of us are perfect and from time to time we are going to make mistakes. Some of us more than others, but it happens to all of us. Taking it personally, getting upset or angry when others fail to do as they have agreed does nothing but ruin your mood.
And letting these little things get in the way of our plans for the day, is literally allowing the mistakes of others to control our lives. Each time a big thing doesn't happen or has to happen differently just because we decide to avoid dealing with a little thing that little thing is controlling us. Think about your daily life. How many things are changed or even prevented from happening simply by things that you don't want to, but probably should deal with?
Scary, dangerous, life altering/ending things I can understand not wanting to handle. But something that will only take a couple of minutes to handle and has no other major impact on anything? Just do it and get on with your day.
Winning
My son has this habit that he has started recently. The first time I saw/heard it, I thought it was kind of cute. First, he gets this great big grin on his face. Then he does this kind of dance where he wiggles his butt and and his shoulders and shouts out "I WIN!"
If it stopped there, I wouldn't feel that saying something was necessary. But he usually repeats himself a couple of time and then follows it up with "you lose! haha" I am sure that this isn't something that he came up with on his own. And I am sure that it came from watching someone else, someone who is old enough that they should know better than to act that way.
What's the big deal you say? I should just be happy that my son is celebrating a win right? Again, if he was just doing the first part, I wouldn't mind. But he is also celebrating the fact that the other person is losing. He is practically rubbing their nose in it. And that is not okay.
Life is filled with winners and losers. But it doesn't have to be because losing is about perception. If someone wins a tournament but gets no enjoyment out of it have they really won? If someone comes in second or even twenty second place but had a great time testing their skills against others, had fun playing the game and improved their skill set along the way are they really a loser?
When we compete against others there is only going to be one person that comes in first place. But that doesn't mean that person is better than everyone else at that thing. It just means that they happened to do better on that particular day. Maybe the guy who is the best was sick that day and couldn't compete. Or through some unfortunate fluke he got knocked out of the competition early.
As I said before, when my son does this little dance it is really cute. He is fully in the moment and enjoying his success. But as a three year old he doesn't realize that he is making fun of the other people that he beat. The problem with letting him continue this habit is that most of what we think is right and wrong, most of what we are ever going to learn about what is or is not acceptable behavior happens between the ages of three and eight. If he continues to do this now he will most likely do it when he is older.
One of the keys to being successful and well liked is to win as often as possible and at the same time to do your best to make sure others don't lose. Sure, you might have come out on top, this time. But a whole lot of the other people did a great job as well. They may have done even better than you in some ways, just not in all of the ways that were being judged.
A true champion, a successful person, a winner does, their best to create circumstances where everyone wins and nobody loses. Minimize the difference between winning and losing. Share the victory. Celebrate your win. Just don't bring others down while you do it.
If it stopped there, I wouldn't feel that saying something was necessary. But he usually repeats himself a couple of time and then follows it up with "you lose! haha" I am sure that this isn't something that he came up with on his own. And I am sure that it came from watching someone else, someone who is old enough that they should know better than to act that way.
What's the big deal you say? I should just be happy that my son is celebrating a win right? Again, if he was just doing the first part, I wouldn't mind. But he is also celebrating the fact that the other person is losing. He is practically rubbing their nose in it. And that is not okay.
Life is filled with winners and losers. But it doesn't have to be because losing is about perception. If someone wins a tournament but gets no enjoyment out of it have they really won? If someone comes in second or even twenty second place but had a great time testing their skills against others, had fun playing the game and improved their skill set along the way are they really a loser?
When we compete against others there is only going to be one person that comes in first place. But that doesn't mean that person is better than everyone else at that thing. It just means that they happened to do better on that particular day. Maybe the guy who is the best was sick that day and couldn't compete. Or through some unfortunate fluke he got knocked out of the competition early.
As I said before, when my son does this little dance it is really cute. He is fully in the moment and enjoying his success. But as a three year old he doesn't realize that he is making fun of the other people that he beat. The problem with letting him continue this habit is that most of what we think is right and wrong, most of what we are ever going to learn about what is or is not acceptable behavior happens between the ages of three and eight. If he continues to do this now he will most likely do it when he is older.
One of the keys to being successful and well liked is to win as often as possible and at the same time to do your best to make sure others don't lose. Sure, you might have come out on top, this time. But a whole lot of the other people did a great job as well. They may have done even better than you in some ways, just not in all of the ways that were being judged.
A true champion, a successful person, a winner does, their best to create circumstances where everyone wins and nobody loses. Minimize the difference between winning and losing. Share the victory. Celebrate your win. Just don't bring others down while you do it.
Monday, June 9, 2014
What would you give up?
We all have an idea of how we'd like things to be. Maybe you aren't happy with the car you drive. Perhaps its where you live, the clothes you wear or who you live with. It may be something different for each person. But, all of us would like our lives to be different. Or so we say.
If it is true, as I have said recently, that we do exactly what we want to do and don't do what we don't want to do, then we must not want that "thing" that we say we do. Or at least not enough to make it happen. Maybe we don't think it is possible, so we don't try. Maybe we tell ourselves its just not worth the effort. Maybe we simply procrastinate saying, there's plenty of time. But, do you still want to be telling yourself that when you are sitting in a retirement home lamenting the fact that you didn't get what you wanted out of life?
Every moment of life is precious, because our lives are finite. Why start to get your life on track at 70 if you can do it at 40. Why wait till forty if you can do it at 20? Why put it off for even a single moment?
If it weren't possible there wouldn't be people accomplishing the things that you want out of life right now. Nobody on this planet is any better than you are. There are opportunities everywhere. Successful people take advantage of the opportunities that are already there and create new opportunities out of adversity. Is there a lack of adversity in your life?
While I do indeed believe that, the love of money is the root of nearly all evil. Money is simply a tool. Now, having said that, it is a very powerful tool, one which can change our lives for the better. In fact, nearly all of the problems that plague the average person can be solved by increasing the amount of money that one has.
As far as whether or not its worth it, well that all depends on you. What are your motivations? Who loves and depends on you? Even if you wouldn't strive for success just for yourself, are the happiness of your friends and family worth a little sacrifice on your part?
Some people, like motivational speaker Les Brown have this inner fire driving them to succeed. He was born in and abandoned building and given up for adoption. His adopted mother was single. She worked as a cafeteria attendant and domestic assistant. While still in grade school he was declared educable mentally retarded. A combination of love and gratitude drove him to succeed. He wanted to become something, so that his adopted mother's sacrifice would be worth it. He gave up his free time and effectively most of his childhood to make that dream come true. When he was first starting out he would often be out knocking on people's doors after nine at night, still trying to get a sale for the day, so he could go home and say he accomplished something. Now he is a multimillionaire and one of the world's best motivational speakers.
How about your favorite athlete, musician or movie star? Do you think success just fell into their laps? For most of them success came at a price, one that other people weren't willing to pay. You might say that they just capitalized on innate talent, but that's really not true. Yes, talent in some area is required in order to be successful.
But, practicing that talent, honing it to a razor sharp edge and then sharing that talent to the world are all necessary steps. How many hours do celebrities spend improving their game or working on new material? Rehearsal or practice time isn't just measured in minutes. Strategy meetings don't run themselves. How much time do they spend away from their loved ones? How much sleep do they lose due to someone mismanaging their time? Because that's the key. For the most part, what we give up is time. Time doing the things that we enjoy right now, so that we can enjoy our future even more.
Is it worth it? Of course it is. They make millions of dollars and have tons of adoring fans. Plus, at the end of the day, they can be proud of what they have accomplished, of the life they have been able to provide for themselves as well as those they care about.
What would you do, what would you give up to be able to say the same? And...why haven't you started already?
If it is true, as I have said recently, that we do exactly what we want to do and don't do what we don't want to do, then we must not want that "thing" that we say we do. Or at least not enough to make it happen. Maybe we don't think it is possible, so we don't try. Maybe we tell ourselves its just not worth the effort. Maybe we simply procrastinate saying, there's plenty of time. But, do you still want to be telling yourself that when you are sitting in a retirement home lamenting the fact that you didn't get what you wanted out of life?
Every moment of life is precious, because our lives are finite. Why start to get your life on track at 70 if you can do it at 40. Why wait till forty if you can do it at 20? Why put it off for even a single moment?
If it weren't possible there wouldn't be people accomplishing the things that you want out of life right now. Nobody on this planet is any better than you are. There are opportunities everywhere. Successful people take advantage of the opportunities that are already there and create new opportunities out of adversity. Is there a lack of adversity in your life?
While I do indeed believe that, the love of money is the root of nearly all evil. Money is simply a tool. Now, having said that, it is a very powerful tool, one which can change our lives for the better. In fact, nearly all of the problems that plague the average person can be solved by increasing the amount of money that one has.
As far as whether or not its worth it, well that all depends on you. What are your motivations? Who loves and depends on you? Even if you wouldn't strive for success just for yourself, are the happiness of your friends and family worth a little sacrifice on your part?
Some people, like motivational speaker Les Brown have this inner fire driving them to succeed. He was born in and abandoned building and given up for adoption. His adopted mother was single. She worked as a cafeteria attendant and domestic assistant. While still in grade school he was declared educable mentally retarded. A combination of love and gratitude drove him to succeed. He wanted to become something, so that his adopted mother's sacrifice would be worth it. He gave up his free time and effectively most of his childhood to make that dream come true. When he was first starting out he would often be out knocking on people's doors after nine at night, still trying to get a sale for the day, so he could go home and say he accomplished something. Now he is a multimillionaire and one of the world's best motivational speakers.
How about your favorite athlete, musician or movie star? Do you think success just fell into their laps? For most of them success came at a price, one that other people weren't willing to pay. You might say that they just capitalized on innate talent, but that's really not true. Yes, talent in some area is required in order to be successful.
But, practicing that talent, honing it to a razor sharp edge and then sharing that talent to the world are all necessary steps. How many hours do celebrities spend improving their game or working on new material? Rehearsal or practice time isn't just measured in minutes. Strategy meetings don't run themselves. How much time do they spend away from their loved ones? How much sleep do they lose due to someone mismanaging their time? Because that's the key. For the most part, what we give up is time. Time doing the things that we enjoy right now, so that we can enjoy our future even more.
Is it worth it? Of course it is. They make millions of dollars and have tons of adoring fans. Plus, at the end of the day, they can be proud of what they have accomplished, of the life they have been able to provide for themselves as well as those they care about.
What would you do, what would you give up to be able to say the same? And...why haven't you started already?
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The truth behind the excuse pt1
One of the biggest problems we face, as individuals, living in this world is getting along with others. Most if not all of the time this is due to one form or another of miscommunication. There are two main reasons for these communication breakdowns.
The first is the other person does not understand what it is that we are saying. Either they think they do so they don't ask probing questions to clarify the situation. Or they know they have no idea what you are talking about but don't want to or are afraid to ask. So they make assumptions based on what they think it is that you might have meant. And then things get screwed up beyond all recognition. That is not what I want to talk about today though.
What I want to talk about is probably the most common reason for miscommunication between two or more people. Dishonesty. In the past we have discussed little white lies, like does this dress make me look fat or was dinner to your liking? We have also talked about the way our minds distort, delete and generalize incoming data, causing us to not accurately remember most of what happens in our lives. (Yay documentation) .
But, there is a third way in which we are dishonest with both ourselves and every other person in our lives. It happens to pretty much all of us, though most of us are completely unaware that it happens, even while it is happening.What am I talking about? I could just tell you, and I will. But first I am going to share with you a couple of examples.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are asked by someone you live with to take the trash out. You don't want to do this chore, especially not right now. You are in the middle of watching a show on the TV that you are very interested in. The person isn't going to go away until you say something though. So, you agree to do it after the show is over.
Finally, it has been three hours since you were asked to take out the trash. The show you were watching has come and gone, as have several others. You are tired and go to bed. The next morning, the person who asked you to take out the trash last night comes to you and begins to tear into you. Why didn't you do what you said you were going to do they ask? You tell them you forgot. While technically true, this isn't the truth.
Another example. You and some friends have been looking forward to a night out on the town for some time. At the last moment your spouse reminds you that you agreed to drive your eldest child, a musical prodigy, four hours to his/her late evening audition for Juilliard, today. You bail on your friends. They of course get mad and want to know why you didn't hang out with them. You tell them that you had no choice. You had to take your child to the appointment. Again, there is truth to your excuse, but it still isn't really the truth.
See, the truth is that in both circumstances, you had choices. In the first, you broke an agreement you didn't want to keep and in the second you broke one you wanted to keep and kept one you may or may not have wanted to keep. The real truth is, we as people, all of us, do what we want and do not do what we do not want to.
Now, before you blast that statement back to the Stone Age, let's be clear on what I mean when I say want. Every single one of us has wants and desires. We know what it is that makes us happy and what its that we want to spend most of our time doing. In most cases however, we spend the majority of our time doing things that are not on the list of things that we want to do. Why is this?
Well, its called obligation. We tell ourselves that we aren't doing what we want because of other things that we say that we have to do. We say that we have no choice in the matter. And that is the simple convenient lie that we tell ourselves and other people. It is how we victimize ourselves. But, it isn't true.
The first is the other person does not understand what it is that we are saying. Either they think they do so they don't ask probing questions to clarify the situation. Or they know they have no idea what you are talking about but don't want to or are afraid to ask. So they make assumptions based on what they think it is that you might have meant. And then things get screwed up beyond all recognition. That is not what I want to talk about today though.
What I want to talk about is probably the most common reason for miscommunication between two or more people. Dishonesty. In the past we have discussed little white lies, like does this dress make me look fat or was dinner to your liking? We have also talked about the way our minds distort, delete and generalize incoming data, causing us to not accurately remember most of what happens in our lives. (Yay documentation) .
But, there is a third way in which we are dishonest with both ourselves and every other person in our lives. It happens to pretty much all of us, though most of us are completely unaware that it happens, even while it is happening.What am I talking about? I could just tell you, and I will. But first I am going to share with you a couple of examples.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are asked by someone you live with to take the trash out. You don't want to do this chore, especially not right now. You are in the middle of watching a show on the TV that you are very interested in. The person isn't going to go away until you say something though. So, you agree to do it after the show is over.
Finally, it has been three hours since you were asked to take out the trash. The show you were watching has come and gone, as have several others. You are tired and go to bed. The next morning, the person who asked you to take out the trash last night comes to you and begins to tear into you. Why didn't you do what you said you were going to do they ask? You tell them you forgot. While technically true, this isn't the truth.
Another example. You and some friends have been looking forward to a night out on the town for some time. At the last moment your spouse reminds you that you agreed to drive your eldest child, a musical prodigy, four hours to his/her late evening audition for Juilliard, today. You bail on your friends. They of course get mad and want to know why you didn't hang out with them. You tell them that you had no choice. You had to take your child to the appointment. Again, there is truth to your excuse, but it still isn't really the truth.
See, the truth is that in both circumstances, you had choices. In the first, you broke an agreement you didn't want to keep and in the second you broke one you wanted to keep and kept one you may or may not have wanted to keep. The real truth is, we as people, all of us, do what we want and do not do what we do not want to.
Now, before you blast that statement back to the Stone Age, let's be clear on what I mean when I say want. Every single one of us has wants and desires. We know what it is that makes us happy and what its that we want to spend most of our time doing. In most cases however, we spend the majority of our time doing things that are not on the list of things that we want to do. Why is this?
Well, its called obligation. We tell ourselves that we aren't doing what we want because of other things that we say that we have to do. We say that we have no choice in the matter. And that is the simple convenient lie that we tell ourselves and other people. It is how we victimize ourselves. But, it isn't true.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Counting to infinity pt1
Time is not a real object. It is simply a concept that we made up to differentiate the passing of days. Events in our lives happen sequentially. They do not happen to us all at once. Time and the different markers that we have chosen for it such as hours, decades and seconds are not real. They are just ways of making it possible to describe what came before, what came after and how to decide where to place things when describing the story of our lives.
Numbers are the same way. Although we can make physical objects that represent the different numbers, numbers themselves are concepts. A tree would still be a tree regardless of what we chose to call it. As would a fish a fish and a bird a bird. These things are real and tangible.
We, as a society, place definitions on things that describe exactly what they are. We define them so that we do not need to completely explain every detail about each thing to each person that we encounter every time we want to talk about that thing.
But, life is seldom black and white. There are so many grey areas. Those that fight against the establishment often think of themselves as revolutionaries fighting to make the world a better place. The people that they fight against often call them terrorists or murderers. History, or in other words, the story that is told, is decided by the winning side. Who is right and who is wrong? Well technically, both are both.
People that disagree with what society chooses to call a thing are generally thought to be having a psychotic break with reality. By definition when society does things one way and a person chooses to do things another way that other person is either labeled wrong or insane. I mean think about it. If I call a tree what everybody else calls broccoli, I'd be insane right? Or how about if I called daylight a bunch of bananas? And does it really matter if it was one person or a whole group of people that thought this way? How does it work when these people call their terminology for the redefined things lingo or jargon? Are they still insane?
This brings me to a story that happened recently. We had a guest over for a couple of days. He is someone who is a good friend of ours whom I have known for over fifteen years. We don't always see eye to eye though.
He is a math major who actually intends to spend most of his life studying and teaching advanced mathematics. My interests are more along the lines of English and philosophy. Knowing these two things the disagreement we got into should be a surprise to nobody. I say disagreement because, to him I am sure, we were arguing. To me we were debating.
Somehow, the subject of infinity came up. He was saying that there were multiple different types of infinity. We all just nodded and smiled. The lay person knows that there is only one infinity and that it is infinite. And that is all we need to know. Mathematicians however know that the rest of us are wrong. And he proceeded to tell me so in so many words.
Mistake number one. Never ever tell another person to their face that they are wrong, especially in public, unless you are actually grading work that they have done. Even then it should only be done with extreme diplomacy and tact. Do not just smack other people in the face with what you know to be facts. If you do, even if what you are saying is as plain as the nose on your face, they will not agree with you. In many cases, you will make an enemy for life and all you will have gotten out of it is the satisfaction of showing your intellect to be superior to that of the other person. In other words, you may lose friends in exchange for a mild boost to your ego.
We are both kind of hardheaded and both actually may have violated this rule. He began by saying that there is the regular infinity that everyone is aware of and that mathematicians call it the countable infinity. I of course stopped him there by pointing out that the definition of infinity is a concept describing something that has no ending and therefore applying the adjective countable to it was a logical fallacy. He more or less ignored my statement and went on to state that there were then several types of infinity that were labeled as not countable.
He provided an example of a countable infinity as the set of whole numbers. You know like 0,1,2,3,4 and so on out to infinity. I challenged him to count to infinity. Even though I sat back and offered to wait while he did so, even though I offered him the opportunity to show me that it was countable, he declined.
Numbers are the same way. Although we can make physical objects that represent the different numbers, numbers themselves are concepts. A tree would still be a tree regardless of what we chose to call it. As would a fish a fish and a bird a bird. These things are real and tangible.
We, as a society, place definitions on things that describe exactly what they are. We define them so that we do not need to completely explain every detail about each thing to each person that we encounter every time we want to talk about that thing.
But, life is seldom black and white. There are so many grey areas. Those that fight against the establishment often think of themselves as revolutionaries fighting to make the world a better place. The people that they fight against often call them terrorists or murderers. History, or in other words, the story that is told, is decided by the winning side. Who is right and who is wrong? Well technically, both are both.
People that disagree with what society chooses to call a thing are generally thought to be having a psychotic break with reality. By definition when society does things one way and a person chooses to do things another way that other person is either labeled wrong or insane. I mean think about it. If I call a tree what everybody else calls broccoli, I'd be insane right? Or how about if I called daylight a bunch of bananas? And does it really matter if it was one person or a whole group of people that thought this way? How does it work when these people call their terminology for the redefined things lingo or jargon? Are they still insane?
This brings me to a story that happened recently. We had a guest over for a couple of days. He is someone who is a good friend of ours whom I have known for over fifteen years. We don't always see eye to eye though.
He is a math major who actually intends to spend most of his life studying and teaching advanced mathematics. My interests are more along the lines of English and philosophy. Knowing these two things the disagreement we got into should be a surprise to nobody. I say disagreement because, to him I am sure, we were arguing. To me we were debating.
Somehow, the subject of infinity came up. He was saying that there were multiple different types of infinity. We all just nodded and smiled. The lay person knows that there is only one infinity and that it is infinite. And that is all we need to know. Mathematicians however know that the rest of us are wrong. And he proceeded to tell me so in so many words.
Mistake number one. Never ever tell another person to their face that they are wrong, especially in public, unless you are actually grading work that they have done. Even then it should only be done with extreme diplomacy and tact. Do not just smack other people in the face with what you know to be facts. If you do, even if what you are saying is as plain as the nose on your face, they will not agree with you. In many cases, you will make an enemy for life and all you will have gotten out of it is the satisfaction of showing your intellect to be superior to that of the other person. In other words, you may lose friends in exchange for a mild boost to your ego.
We are both kind of hardheaded and both actually may have violated this rule. He began by saying that there is the regular infinity that everyone is aware of and that mathematicians call it the countable infinity. I of course stopped him there by pointing out that the definition of infinity is a concept describing something that has no ending and therefore applying the adjective countable to it was a logical fallacy. He more or less ignored my statement and went on to state that there were then several types of infinity that were labeled as not countable.
He provided an example of a countable infinity as the set of whole numbers. You know like 0,1,2,3,4 and so on out to infinity. I challenged him to count to infinity. Even though I sat back and offered to wait while he did so, even though I offered him the opportunity to show me that it was countable, he declined.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Stress. Confusion. Chaos. Rushing. Mistakes. Or be early
Back in 2001, I used to do telephone technical support for a living. I worked for the company that handled all of the support calls for Gateway computers. To me, it was very rewarding work. I enjoy being able to provide a useful service to others and got great pleasure out of being able to talk people through the process of troubleshooting and when necessary replacing hardware.
The shifts were thirteen hours long and we worked 3.5 days a week. The people working the early part of the week got the early part of the half day and those working the latter half of the week got the second half of the split day. The changeover was often stressful for many because there was really no overlap. One shift ended exactly when the next shift was supposed to start. If the second shift person was late showing up, the first person didn't get to go home on time. We were "required" to show up for our shift fifteen minutes before it started, but very few people ever did.
Even on the other days of the week it was often chaotic, with people showing up at the last possible minute, or worse yet ten or more minutes late. There was nearly always tons of stress and frantic activity with people constantly rushing around. Frequently there were accidents in our parking lot or on the streets within just a couple of blocks of the office.
People that are always in a rush, make more mistakes. They tend to get in more accidents, are more stressed out and generally have a hard time handling many of the simplest things. I don't believe in rushing for anything, unless it is a real and absolute emergency. Things like blood, fire, and birth, those are reasons to rush. Anything else is just not worth the trouble overall.
Does this mean that I was one of those people that was always late, causing stress and chaos for myself and others? On the contrary, I would always show up for my shift one hour early. I am not talking about getting up and getting ready to go to work an hour before I had to be there. And I am not talking about leaving my house and going to pick up my buddy that worked with me an hour before my shift started. I mean I managed my time in such a way that I arrived at my job one hour before my shift started every single day that I worked, like clockwork,
In eighteen months, I was never late once. My partner on the other side of the week was always relieved to see me because whoever it was knew they would get to home on time. My boss was happy because she never had to wonder if I was going to show up on time. The other employees on my team knew they could always count on me to be there and ready to rock when our shift started.
There was always time for me to get my computer set up, open up all the browsers that I needed for all the separate screens of data I needed access to, plenty of time to make sure all our databases were working. I had time to check the stats for our call center to see how busy it had been or was expected to be. There was more than enough time to make sure I had a drink and a snack at my desk for when I got hungry or thirsty during the day. All necessary last minute bathroom functions could be handled.
In short, because of my habit of arriving much earlier than I was required to or absolutely needed to, while others around my were floundering around in a sea of chaos, I was able to remain calm and relaxed and handle things clearly and concisely. You could make up whatever excuses you want to about why getting to work an hour early for your shift doesn't or couldn't work, but who would you rather be more like? Me calm, peaceful and relaxed, or all the other people frantically scrambling and rushing around, nervous and stressed out? It is your choice.
The shifts were thirteen hours long and we worked 3.5 days a week. The people working the early part of the week got the early part of the half day and those working the latter half of the week got the second half of the split day. The changeover was often stressful for many because there was really no overlap. One shift ended exactly when the next shift was supposed to start. If the second shift person was late showing up, the first person didn't get to go home on time. We were "required" to show up for our shift fifteen minutes before it started, but very few people ever did.
Even on the other days of the week it was often chaotic, with people showing up at the last possible minute, or worse yet ten or more minutes late. There was nearly always tons of stress and frantic activity with people constantly rushing around. Frequently there were accidents in our parking lot or on the streets within just a couple of blocks of the office.
People that are always in a rush, make more mistakes. They tend to get in more accidents, are more stressed out and generally have a hard time handling many of the simplest things. I don't believe in rushing for anything, unless it is a real and absolute emergency. Things like blood, fire, and birth, those are reasons to rush. Anything else is just not worth the trouble overall.
Does this mean that I was one of those people that was always late, causing stress and chaos for myself and others? On the contrary, I would always show up for my shift one hour early. I am not talking about getting up and getting ready to go to work an hour before I had to be there. And I am not talking about leaving my house and going to pick up my buddy that worked with me an hour before my shift started. I mean I managed my time in such a way that I arrived at my job one hour before my shift started every single day that I worked, like clockwork,
In eighteen months, I was never late once. My partner on the other side of the week was always relieved to see me because whoever it was knew they would get to home on time. My boss was happy because she never had to wonder if I was going to show up on time. The other employees on my team knew they could always count on me to be there and ready to rock when our shift started.
There was always time for me to get my computer set up, open up all the browsers that I needed for all the separate screens of data I needed access to, plenty of time to make sure all our databases were working. I had time to check the stats for our call center to see how busy it had been or was expected to be. There was more than enough time to make sure I had a drink and a snack at my desk for when I got hungry or thirsty during the day. All necessary last minute bathroom functions could be handled.
In short, because of my habit of arriving much earlier than I was required to or absolutely needed to, while others around my were floundering around in a sea of chaos, I was able to remain calm and relaxed and handle things clearly and concisely. You could make up whatever excuses you want to about why getting to work an hour early for your shift doesn't or couldn't work, but who would you rather be more like? Me calm, peaceful and relaxed, or all the other people frantically scrambling and rushing around, nervous and stressed out? It is your choice.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
How is not important
In a lot of my previous work, I discuss plans and vision. There is talk, at length, about the fact that there needs to be a specific plan to get you from where you are to where you want to be. It is mentioned that without such a plan you are doomed to repeat all the things that you have done up until this point, for the rest of your life.
From all this, one could easily get the impression that I believe you should be micromanaging every hour of every day and how it gets done. That how every single little thing gets done should be planned out ahead of time to the last detail. That there should be a vision of the way everything is done and that everything must be done exactly according to that vision.
This could not be farther from the truth. In fact such micro-management leads to insanity. It leads to a person becoming a completely obsessive control freak. Let me show you what I mean.
When I was younger, I lived under the thumb of my stepfather. From my perspective at least, I could never do anything to his satisfaction. And for a long time the things that happened simply boggled my mind.
He DID have an exact method by which he wanted everything done. My natural inclination was to do things by the simplest most efficient methods. We obviously grew up very differently because my way and his way were never the same. Doing things his way often seemed like the thing itself was a punishment. It would take longer, use more resources and quite often produce a lower quality result than the way that I was used to doing things.
I would do things my way. He would get mad at me and ask me why I didn't do things the way he wanted them done. But anything I responded with that wasn't me agreeing with him about his way being better either got ignored or got me disciplined.
Sometimes he would ask if I did what he asked and when I said I did, things seemed to be okay for awhile, until he queried whether or not I had done them his way. Then all hell would break loose. It was always his way or the highway, with no quarter given.
Let me ask you this. If your plan involves becoming the owner of a yacht, and a deceased relative wills you one just like the one you would have bought for yourself, should you sink it and go about getting the boat "your" way? Would you do that? Of course not. That would be insane.
You may intend to get wealthy by writing the next great American novel. But if what happens instead is a penny stock that you invested in suddenly becomes a Fortune 500 company and you find yourself swimming in money, why be upset about it? Just quit your job and enjoy the new freedom. If you want to, you can still invest the time and energy to become a bestselling author, but now you don't have to.
We all have a vision of the way things are going to be or the way they should be. But the bottom line is the result. As long as what you are doing is morally and legally sound, who cares how things get done? What matters is that it gets done and that you are happy with the quality of the result. Don't be attached to the image you have in your head of how things will happen. Because most of the time, that image is wrong.
Specific things do have to happen in order for your life to be the way you want it to be. Exactly how they happen is really not important. Let go of the image. Become attached to the results. Or as I like to say, function over form. Screw the details.
From all this, one could easily get the impression that I believe you should be micromanaging every hour of every day and how it gets done. That how every single little thing gets done should be planned out ahead of time to the last detail. That there should be a vision of the way everything is done and that everything must be done exactly according to that vision.
This could not be farther from the truth. In fact such micro-management leads to insanity. It leads to a person becoming a completely obsessive control freak. Let me show you what I mean.
When I was younger, I lived under the thumb of my stepfather. From my perspective at least, I could never do anything to his satisfaction. And for a long time the things that happened simply boggled my mind.
He DID have an exact method by which he wanted everything done. My natural inclination was to do things by the simplest most efficient methods. We obviously grew up very differently because my way and his way were never the same. Doing things his way often seemed like the thing itself was a punishment. It would take longer, use more resources and quite often produce a lower quality result than the way that I was used to doing things.
I would do things my way. He would get mad at me and ask me why I didn't do things the way he wanted them done. But anything I responded with that wasn't me agreeing with him about his way being better either got ignored or got me disciplined.
Sometimes he would ask if I did what he asked and when I said I did, things seemed to be okay for awhile, until he queried whether or not I had done them his way. Then all hell would break loose. It was always his way or the highway, with no quarter given.
Let me ask you this. If your plan involves becoming the owner of a yacht, and a deceased relative wills you one just like the one you would have bought for yourself, should you sink it and go about getting the boat "your" way? Would you do that? Of course not. That would be insane.
You may intend to get wealthy by writing the next great American novel. But if what happens instead is a penny stock that you invested in suddenly becomes a Fortune 500 company and you find yourself swimming in money, why be upset about it? Just quit your job and enjoy the new freedom. If you want to, you can still invest the time and energy to become a bestselling author, but now you don't have to.
We all have a vision of the way things are going to be or the way they should be. But the bottom line is the result. As long as what you are doing is morally and legally sound, who cares how things get done? What matters is that it gets done and that you are happy with the quality of the result. Don't be attached to the image you have in your head of how things will happen. Because most of the time, that image is wrong.
Specific things do have to happen in order for your life to be the way you want it to be. Exactly how they happen is really not important. Let go of the image. Become attached to the results. Or as I like to say, function over form. Screw the details.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Why bother with life?
We all start life with nothing. We work our tails off to carve our way through the jungles of life. We struggle and claw and fight for every gain. Some of us manage to build vast empires of metal and stone. With our sweat and blood we build a legacy of wealth and prosperity that will hold for generations. Others of us make barely enough to survive, much less save or prepare for the future. Most of the rest of us live somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.
But, life is a zero sum game. We start with nothing and we return to the earth with nothing. Nobody gets out alive. And you can't take "it" with you.
So what's the point? If all of your hard work and time spent aren't going to matter once you are gone, why do it? Why put in the effort? Why struggle? Why don't you just coast along with no effort whatsoever and let the waters of life just buffet you around randomly from shore to shore. Why not just follow the routine, with no plan at all? You could just do the minimum that is required of you to get by and follow the same path day in and day out until your body crumbles to dust.
You could do that. In fact many people do. But all those people, they aren't really living. They are just getting by and none of them are truly happy with what they have. They are just cogs in the great machine turning the wheel of ages. Days blurred to weeks, weeks blurred to months and years. Years blurred to decades until Death comes to collect them.
All those countless lives are wasted because people fail to understand and accept that the whole point of life is now. From the time we are born until the time we die, we are blessed with billions of nows. Each one is an infinitesimally small fraction of forever. Each is unique and unlike any other now that will ever occur.
Every moment that passes brings with it a new now. And the only now that ever truly matters is the current one. The old ones are gone and the future ones have yet to come. In order to live a happy fulfilling life, you get to learn to get the most you possibly can out of the current now. We can learn from past nows and prepare for future nows, but the only one we can live is the current now.
And that my friends is why we bother, why we plan and struggle and work and play. Most of the struggle is to make our future nows more enjoyable. But as far as grading our life on the whole, it is not the one now at the end of our life that is important. It is all of them collectively. Some nows will be better than others as no life is ever perfect all the time. But from my point of view a life well lived is one with more good nows than bad.
It is a delicate balance, between planning for the future and enjoying the present, but as I see it, it is the only life worth living.
But, life is a zero sum game. We start with nothing and we return to the earth with nothing. Nobody gets out alive. And you can't take "it" with you.
So what's the point? If all of your hard work and time spent aren't going to matter once you are gone, why do it? Why put in the effort? Why struggle? Why don't you just coast along with no effort whatsoever and let the waters of life just buffet you around randomly from shore to shore. Why not just follow the routine, with no plan at all? You could just do the minimum that is required of you to get by and follow the same path day in and day out until your body crumbles to dust.
You could do that. In fact many people do. But all those people, they aren't really living. They are just getting by and none of them are truly happy with what they have. They are just cogs in the great machine turning the wheel of ages. Days blurred to weeks, weeks blurred to months and years. Years blurred to decades until Death comes to collect them.
All those countless lives are wasted because people fail to understand and accept that the whole point of life is now. From the time we are born until the time we die, we are blessed with billions of nows. Each one is an infinitesimally small fraction of forever. Each is unique and unlike any other now that will ever occur.
Every moment that passes brings with it a new now. And the only now that ever truly matters is the current one. The old ones are gone and the future ones have yet to come. In order to live a happy fulfilling life, you get to learn to get the most you possibly can out of the current now. We can learn from past nows and prepare for future nows, but the only one we can live is the current now.
And that my friends is why we bother, why we plan and struggle and work and play. Most of the struggle is to make our future nows more enjoyable. But as far as grading our life on the whole, it is not the one now at the end of our life that is important. It is all of them collectively. Some nows will be better than others as no life is ever perfect all the time. But from my point of view a life well lived is one with more good nows than bad.
It is a delicate balance, between planning for the future and enjoying the present, but as I see it, it is the only life worth living.
Monday, May 5, 2014
The right way to abuse your pets?
In case you haven't yet noticed my thoughts and ideas do not usually match those of most people in general. The reason for this is that I do not blindly accept the things that I am told. I do not take on faith the things that authority figures say. My way is to seek out the truth and let it speak for itself.
I am going to say some things that might make people a bit angry today. It is not my intention, but the truth often makes people angry. In light of the things that I am about to say, I want to be very clear. I do not hate animals. In fact, I love animals. Unlike people they are always honest. They never hide how they feel and they love unconditionally.
I have a healthy love and respect for all life. It is very easy for me to fall in love with and become attached to an animal. Now for the part that seems to make most people go nuts. I firmly believe, with very little exception, that making an animal a pet is an act of cruelty, not an act of love.
Before the flaming begins, let's talk about why I feel that way. When people think of having a pet, usually they think of the ways in which having that pet enriches their lives. They think of coming home and having the animal waiting for them, happy to see them. Or maybe they think of the fact that they are rescuing the animal from some horrible fate.
What they don't think of is all of the countless hours the animal spends suffering waiting for them to come home. The person never experiences it so why should they think of it? Animals don't really have a sense of time. You can tell them you are leaving at 7 and will be back at 5, but once you leave, all they know is that you abandoned them. They suffer all day long through the pain of loss.
Now, let's talk about environment. Over millenia of conditioning, the natural habitat for humans has become one that is almost entirely indoors. We live in buildings. The natural environment for most of the animals that we take as pets, especially the ones that are more than say 15 pounds or so, is outdoors.
Animals are not built for, nor in any way prepared for all of the indoor concerns we have. All of the messes that they create or find themselves a part of are typically things that don't exist outdoors. Outside, everywhere is the bathroom. Why should inside be any different?
Outside is a wide open environment where animals can roam freely. As messy as they may be, our homes are not wild places, filled with opportunities for tracking and hunting. Unless you live in a mansion and give your pets free reign, buildings are not places where animals can belong. Most of them want to be outside, wild and free.
Some people realize this and allow their pets to run around in their fenced in yards while they are sleeping or are not home. On the surface this seems like a good idea. It gives the animal more freedom right? Not really. They are still trapped, just now they can see all the stuff they can't get to. And what do they do when they see something they want? They either go under, over or through the fence to get to it, or make your neighbor's lives uncomfortable by loudly complaining that they can't get to it.
Every time I hear dogs barking for hours on end, it occurs to me to wonder how much their owners really must hate animals, to constantly subject them to such cruelty. Yes, the barking is unpleasant to me, but I can tune it out. The dog can't tune out how it feels about being alone and trapped. It can't ignore its sorrow.
Then there are those people who keep their animals inside in cages, in order to reduce the amount of discomfort for other people and to keep the animals from destroying things while they are gone. Yes, this does adequately handle those problems, but I cannot put words to how messed up I think that is. How can you possibly claim to care for your pet when you reduce its world down to a four foot by four foot cube?
So, while I do love animals, I do not believe, for the most part, in having pets. There are exceptions of course. Some people have their lives set up in such a way that there is always someone around to spend time with the animal or some animals that have been domesticated to the point where outside no longer holds any draw.
My personal preference, instead of having a pet, is to have friends that are animals. What I am talking about is animals that can and do take care of themselves but choose to spend time with me because they love me just as much as I love them. That way, we can have a mutual friendship, one based on love and respect and either one of us can move on when or if it becomes time to do so, instead of the master/slave relationship that most pet ownership really is.
I am going to say some things that might make people a bit angry today. It is not my intention, but the truth often makes people angry. In light of the things that I am about to say, I want to be very clear. I do not hate animals. In fact, I love animals. Unlike people they are always honest. They never hide how they feel and they love unconditionally.
I have a healthy love and respect for all life. It is very easy for me to fall in love with and become attached to an animal. Now for the part that seems to make most people go nuts. I firmly believe, with very little exception, that making an animal a pet is an act of cruelty, not an act of love.
Before the flaming begins, let's talk about why I feel that way. When people think of having a pet, usually they think of the ways in which having that pet enriches their lives. They think of coming home and having the animal waiting for them, happy to see them. Or maybe they think of the fact that they are rescuing the animal from some horrible fate.
What they don't think of is all of the countless hours the animal spends suffering waiting for them to come home. The person never experiences it so why should they think of it? Animals don't really have a sense of time. You can tell them you are leaving at 7 and will be back at 5, but once you leave, all they know is that you abandoned them. They suffer all day long through the pain of loss.
Now, let's talk about environment. Over millenia of conditioning, the natural habitat for humans has become one that is almost entirely indoors. We live in buildings. The natural environment for most of the animals that we take as pets, especially the ones that are more than say 15 pounds or so, is outdoors.
Animals are not built for, nor in any way prepared for all of the indoor concerns we have. All of the messes that they create or find themselves a part of are typically things that don't exist outdoors. Outside, everywhere is the bathroom. Why should inside be any different?
Outside is a wide open environment where animals can roam freely. As messy as they may be, our homes are not wild places, filled with opportunities for tracking and hunting. Unless you live in a mansion and give your pets free reign, buildings are not places where animals can belong. Most of them want to be outside, wild and free.
Some people realize this and allow their pets to run around in their fenced in yards while they are sleeping or are not home. On the surface this seems like a good idea. It gives the animal more freedom right? Not really. They are still trapped, just now they can see all the stuff they can't get to. And what do they do when they see something they want? They either go under, over or through the fence to get to it, or make your neighbor's lives uncomfortable by loudly complaining that they can't get to it.
Every time I hear dogs barking for hours on end, it occurs to me to wonder how much their owners really must hate animals, to constantly subject them to such cruelty. Yes, the barking is unpleasant to me, but I can tune it out. The dog can't tune out how it feels about being alone and trapped. It can't ignore its sorrow.
Then there are those people who keep their animals inside in cages, in order to reduce the amount of discomfort for other people and to keep the animals from destroying things while they are gone. Yes, this does adequately handle those problems, but I cannot put words to how messed up I think that is. How can you possibly claim to care for your pet when you reduce its world down to a four foot by four foot cube?
So, while I do love animals, I do not believe, for the most part, in having pets. There are exceptions of course. Some people have their lives set up in such a way that there is always someone around to spend time with the animal or some animals that have been domesticated to the point where outside no longer holds any draw.
My personal preference, instead of having a pet, is to have friends that are animals. What I am talking about is animals that can and do take care of themselves but choose to spend time with me because they love me just as much as I love them. That way, we can have a mutual friendship, one based on love and respect and either one of us can move on when or if it becomes time to do so, instead of the master/slave relationship that most pet ownership really is.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Nothing is more important than everything, sometimes.
There are many different ways for us to learn new things, perhaps nearly as many as there are new things for us to learn. Most of the time though, the methods we employ involve adding that new thing to our current collection of knowledge. We do this by wrapping what we already know around the edges of the new thing, so we can get a firm grip on it before exploring it to the point where we can fully make it our own.
We compare this new thing with all the the things we already know, with what we believe, what we think and what we fear. We apply our preconceived notions to it and based on the things we already know, we automatically begin to extrapolate things about this new thing that "must" be true.
For things like grammar, vocabulary and mathematics, this is often perfectly acceptable. Things that we already have a foundation for, we can just stack the knew knowledge on top of the old. Often the new data follows a logical progression that can be calculated by what we already know.
There are times though, where what we already know is a hindrance, where it can impede and in fact completely prevent us from allowing something new to be learned. Sometimes we have to forget everything we know, in order to learn something new.
Have you ever seen one of those martial arts movies where a teacher is working with a student and they aren't getting anywhere? After awhile the the teacher says I can't teach you, you already know everything. He isn't saying that the student literally knows all that he has to teach. He is saying that he can't teach because what the student already knows keeps getting in the way.
The common analogy used has to do with a cup, where the cup is your brain. Imagine for a moment that I tell you to come to dinner and bring a cup so that I can fill it with the most delicious wine you have ever tasted. If you show up for dinner and you already have that cup filled with brandy, I can't fill your cup with wine, unless you pour out or drink the brandy. I have something wonderful for you, but you won't let me share it with you.
If you are learning a martial art, a new language, religion, philosophy or even just another person's point of view, anything that you don't already have a solid foundation for, all of your collected knowledge about things is useless. And holding on to that knowledge will prevent you from learning about that thing as quickly and accurately as you would otherwise be able to.
There are times where your preconceived notions, your assumptions and your extrapolations are all going to be wrong, times where having a belief about something will taint the experience of actually learning it. Don't make comparisons between this thing and something else you already know. If it is a thing that you know nothing about, comparing it to something else that you do know about is bound to make you look stupid. Let the new thing be new. Experience it for the first time as a child explores their surroundings for the first time when they begin to crawl.
I am not suggesting that you literally erase from your mind all previous knowledge every time you want to learn something new. I am however saying that you need blank space for the new stuff to go and that you should clear that space ahead of time. Instead of wrapping what you know around the edges of the new knowledge, start with a blank area in your mind and let the new thing you are learning grow out until it is large enough to wrap around what you already know about everything else.
Make yourself part of the new thing rather than making the new thing part of yourself.
We compare this new thing with all the the things we already know, with what we believe, what we think and what we fear. We apply our preconceived notions to it and based on the things we already know, we automatically begin to extrapolate things about this new thing that "must" be true.
For things like grammar, vocabulary and mathematics, this is often perfectly acceptable. Things that we already have a foundation for, we can just stack the knew knowledge on top of the old. Often the new data follows a logical progression that can be calculated by what we already know.
There are times though, where what we already know is a hindrance, where it can impede and in fact completely prevent us from allowing something new to be learned. Sometimes we have to forget everything we know, in order to learn something new.
Have you ever seen one of those martial arts movies where a teacher is working with a student and they aren't getting anywhere? After awhile the the teacher says I can't teach you, you already know everything. He isn't saying that the student literally knows all that he has to teach. He is saying that he can't teach because what the student already knows keeps getting in the way.
The common analogy used has to do with a cup, where the cup is your brain. Imagine for a moment that I tell you to come to dinner and bring a cup so that I can fill it with the most delicious wine you have ever tasted. If you show up for dinner and you already have that cup filled with brandy, I can't fill your cup with wine, unless you pour out or drink the brandy. I have something wonderful for you, but you won't let me share it with you.
If you are learning a martial art, a new language, religion, philosophy or even just another person's point of view, anything that you don't already have a solid foundation for, all of your collected knowledge about things is useless. And holding on to that knowledge will prevent you from learning about that thing as quickly and accurately as you would otherwise be able to.
There are times where your preconceived notions, your assumptions and your extrapolations are all going to be wrong, times where having a belief about something will taint the experience of actually learning it. Don't make comparisons between this thing and something else you already know. If it is a thing that you know nothing about, comparing it to something else that you do know about is bound to make you look stupid. Let the new thing be new. Experience it for the first time as a child explores their surroundings for the first time when they begin to crawl.
I am not suggesting that you literally erase from your mind all previous knowledge every time you want to learn something new. I am however saying that you need blank space for the new stuff to go and that you should clear that space ahead of time. Instead of wrapping what you know around the edges of the new knowledge, start with a blank area in your mind and let the new thing you are learning grow out until it is large enough to wrap around what you already know about everything else.
Make yourself part of the new thing rather than making the new thing part of yourself.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
It only takes one to change your self image pt2
Finally, he buys completely into it. Everyone he knows knows that he
is stupid and isn't shy about telling him so. He believes it so he
doesn't argue with them. He starts acting more and more stupid as time
goes on, fitting more and more into the mold.
But here's the thing. That guy that is too stupid to learn, too dumb to improve, too retarded to change, the one who has no self esteem and therefore no motivation to go out and get the things that he wants out of life, that guy, he isn't real. He is simply the product of lie after lie after lie stacked upon one original lie.
It only takes one person to start unraveling the lies, one by one, and gradually digging out the real person underneath it all. I look for truth, not evidence of one thing or another. I look for evidence of everything. I hunt for answers and discard nothing just because it doesn't make sense or agree with what I want to be true or am afraid of being true.
When I first met him, I saw many of the things that others were saying about him but something just wasn't right about what was being said. There was something off. So, I started digging. And what I found is that about normal everyday things that "everybody" knew he was pretty ignorant. His speech was not in any way at all elegant. He had few real beliefs. But the things that he did believe, he was very passionate about.
And most importantly he fought very hard and very creatively to maintain the stupid facade. It was no doubt completely subconscious the way he did it. But, it told me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was untrue. I discovered while arguing with him about how stupid he was, that he wasn't at all stupid. He had just been trained by everyone else in his life to act that way because he and they convinced him that he was that way.
So, in my search for truth, when I started looking for evidence that he was NOT stupid, lo and behold, I found tons of it. My friend has not been well educated, primarily because nobody else believed he could be.
I have personally found if there is something that he does not understand, if I take the time to explain it to him, he learns it. He is intelligent, meaning he can take in new knowledge. He can make this new knowledge his own and although he often lacks the vocabulary to easily explain it to someone else, given time he can explain things in such a way that the other person at least gets the gist of it. Also, when we discuss issues that other friends of ours are having he often, very quickly, comes up with some extremely insightful yet simple solutions to their problems. This application of knowledge shows great wisdom as well.
In our talks he is starting to get to the point where he knows where a conversation is leading, has a good idea of what someone is going to ask him next, knows what the "acceptable" answers are and knows when his answers don't match up. In short, he is really really smart, just ignorant due to lack of proper education.
As time goes on there are more and more examples that he is not the dumb person that people have always told him he was. He is currently in school for a trade that he is pretty passionate about. And while not the highest scoring person in the class, there are plenty of people that are doing worse than him. He isn't rocket science material but in a lot of ways he really is above average.
Repairing his self image is about finding new evidence to replace the old. As they say, nature abhors a vacuum. You can't just dig up the old stuff and toss it out, because it just leaves gaping holes and then new garbage arrives to fill the space where the old garbage was. So, if you want lasting positive change you get to fill up the old toxic spaces with newer healthy things.
When possible, we, as his friends, will be showing him the examples that he is not an idiot, to reinforce the work he is doing to fix his self image. It is a process that will take time, but will lead him to a future that he will find worth living. So, it is worth doing.
How about you? What is your one? What person or event turned you from a happy, loving, carefree, child into a jaded angst ridden mess? How old were you when it happened? How long have you been living in agony? Haven't you suffered long enough. Isn't it time you found the real you hiding under the facade of lies?
But here's the thing. That guy that is too stupid to learn, too dumb to improve, too retarded to change, the one who has no self esteem and therefore no motivation to go out and get the things that he wants out of life, that guy, he isn't real. He is simply the product of lie after lie after lie stacked upon one original lie.
It only takes one person to start unraveling the lies, one by one, and gradually digging out the real person underneath it all. I look for truth, not evidence of one thing or another. I look for evidence of everything. I hunt for answers and discard nothing just because it doesn't make sense or agree with what I want to be true or am afraid of being true.
When I first met him, I saw many of the things that others were saying about him but something just wasn't right about what was being said. There was something off. So, I started digging. And what I found is that about normal everyday things that "everybody" knew he was pretty ignorant. His speech was not in any way at all elegant. He had few real beliefs. But the things that he did believe, he was very passionate about.
And most importantly he fought very hard and very creatively to maintain the stupid facade. It was no doubt completely subconscious the way he did it. But, it told me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was untrue. I discovered while arguing with him about how stupid he was, that he wasn't at all stupid. He had just been trained by everyone else in his life to act that way because he and they convinced him that he was that way.
So, in my search for truth, when I started looking for evidence that he was NOT stupid, lo and behold, I found tons of it. My friend has not been well educated, primarily because nobody else believed he could be.
I have personally found if there is something that he does not understand, if I take the time to explain it to him, he learns it. He is intelligent, meaning he can take in new knowledge. He can make this new knowledge his own and although he often lacks the vocabulary to easily explain it to someone else, given time he can explain things in such a way that the other person at least gets the gist of it. Also, when we discuss issues that other friends of ours are having he often, very quickly, comes up with some extremely insightful yet simple solutions to their problems. This application of knowledge shows great wisdom as well.
In our talks he is starting to get to the point where he knows where a conversation is leading, has a good idea of what someone is going to ask him next, knows what the "acceptable" answers are and knows when his answers don't match up. In short, he is really really smart, just ignorant due to lack of proper education.
As time goes on there are more and more examples that he is not the dumb person that people have always told him he was. He is currently in school for a trade that he is pretty passionate about. And while not the highest scoring person in the class, there are plenty of people that are doing worse than him. He isn't rocket science material but in a lot of ways he really is above average.
Repairing his self image is about finding new evidence to replace the old. As they say, nature abhors a vacuum. You can't just dig up the old stuff and toss it out, because it just leaves gaping holes and then new garbage arrives to fill the space where the old garbage was. So, if you want lasting positive change you get to fill up the old toxic spaces with newer healthy things.
When possible, we, as his friends, will be showing him the examples that he is not an idiot, to reinforce the work he is doing to fix his self image. It is a process that will take time, but will lead him to a future that he will find worth living. So, it is worth doing.
How about you? What is your one? What person or event turned you from a happy, loving, carefree, child into a jaded angst ridden mess? How old were you when it happened? How long have you been living in agony? Haven't you suffered long enough. Isn't it time you found the real you hiding under the facade of lies?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The grudge
So, a friend or loved one does something you strongly disapprove of. Perhaps they lie to or cheat on you. You could decide that they have hurt you enough and you no longer want them to be around. But, you do still love the person and want them to be a part of your life.
So even though they wronged you, you decide not to break off the relationship. Instead you decide that you are going to get back at them by making life uncomfortable for them. Each time you see them or spend time with them you remind them that you are still angry or upset. You hold back favors or nice things that you would normally do for them. There. That will show them. Right?
Well, maybe. But probably not. I mean yeah, there's that feeling of righteous vindication that you may get from punishing someone that has done something wrong to you. How long does that really last though, only a few seconds right? And then afterwards where does that leave you with your loved one?
The reason you decided not to end the relationship in the first place is because you love that person and want to be around them. You enjoy each others company. How can that happen while you are busy constantly punishing them for past wrongs? You aren't showing love for them by holding a grudge. And they certainly aren't being inspired to show love for you by the repeated negative energy you send their way.
But, let's take things a step further. Remove the other person from the equation. In order to hold a grudge you have to hold on to negative energy. You have to keep it around. It may not be there every second of the day, but it will come up every time you see or think about that person. Time and energy that could be focused on happier things are wasted holding the grudge.
The thing is you can't just punish the other person without reminding yourself about the whole painful circumstance in the first place. So, for example, let's say you think about this grudge nine times per day and you see the person that you are angry at once per day. That means that at least ten times per day, you get to re-experience all of the negativity. But no matter how strongly negative your reaction is when you see the other person, the only time you can guarantee that they are thinking about the "bad" thing that they did to you is during that one time you see them during the day.
You suffer ten times, they suffer once. Who are you punishing again? Due to the fact that you have to re-experience the bad every time you interact with the other person that you are holding a grudge against, it is always, without fail, going to hurt you more to hold a grudge than it does the other person.
If you want your life to be filled with pain and suffering, well that's fine then. Hold as many grudges as you want. If you don't, there has to be a better way than either holding a grudge or just letting them walk all over you, right? There is.
First take some time to calm down and think clearly. Then have a conversation with the other person. Keep your cool and remain peaceful. Explain what the other person did to hurt you and how it made you feel. Forgive them for the pain they caused you. Inform them of this forgiveness. Then, make it clear and in no uncertain terms how future abuses of your love will be handled.
You may not have wanted to end your relationship over a single hurt that they caused you. But multiple similar hurts show that maybe they don't feel as strongly for you as you do for them. Or perhaps, depending on how exactly it is that they hurt you, police involvement may be the next step. The bottom line is that the other person needs to know you love and want them around but that you are not a doormat and that you will stand up for yourself.
Holding a grudge isn't healthy. Talking things over and working things out is. My advice is here to assist you in making your life better. I am not telling you what to do, just providing different options. As always it is your choice how you decide to handle things.
So even though they wronged you, you decide not to break off the relationship. Instead you decide that you are going to get back at them by making life uncomfortable for them. Each time you see them or spend time with them you remind them that you are still angry or upset. You hold back favors or nice things that you would normally do for them. There. That will show them. Right?
Well, maybe. But probably not. I mean yeah, there's that feeling of righteous vindication that you may get from punishing someone that has done something wrong to you. How long does that really last though, only a few seconds right? And then afterwards where does that leave you with your loved one?
The reason you decided not to end the relationship in the first place is because you love that person and want to be around them. You enjoy each others company. How can that happen while you are busy constantly punishing them for past wrongs? You aren't showing love for them by holding a grudge. And they certainly aren't being inspired to show love for you by the repeated negative energy you send their way.
But, let's take things a step further. Remove the other person from the equation. In order to hold a grudge you have to hold on to negative energy. You have to keep it around. It may not be there every second of the day, but it will come up every time you see or think about that person. Time and energy that could be focused on happier things are wasted holding the grudge.
The thing is you can't just punish the other person without reminding yourself about the whole painful circumstance in the first place. So, for example, let's say you think about this grudge nine times per day and you see the person that you are angry at once per day. That means that at least ten times per day, you get to re-experience all of the negativity. But no matter how strongly negative your reaction is when you see the other person, the only time you can guarantee that they are thinking about the "bad" thing that they did to you is during that one time you see them during the day.
You suffer ten times, they suffer once. Who are you punishing again? Due to the fact that you have to re-experience the bad every time you interact with the other person that you are holding a grudge against, it is always, without fail, going to hurt you more to hold a grudge than it does the other person.
If you want your life to be filled with pain and suffering, well that's fine then. Hold as many grudges as you want. If you don't, there has to be a better way than either holding a grudge or just letting them walk all over you, right? There is.
First take some time to calm down and think clearly. Then have a conversation with the other person. Keep your cool and remain peaceful. Explain what the other person did to hurt you and how it made you feel. Forgive them for the pain they caused you. Inform them of this forgiveness. Then, make it clear and in no uncertain terms how future abuses of your love will be handled.
You may not have wanted to end your relationship over a single hurt that they caused you. But multiple similar hurts show that maybe they don't feel as strongly for you as you do for them. Or perhaps, depending on how exactly it is that they hurt you, police involvement may be the next step. The bottom line is that the other person needs to know you love and want them around but that you are not a doormat and that you will stand up for yourself.
Holding a grudge isn't healthy. Talking things over and working things out is. My advice is here to assist you in making your life better. I am not telling you what to do, just providing different options. As always it is your choice how you decide to handle things.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The end of the tunnel. pt1
It has taken a long time to get here but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. What am I talking about? Well,of course, that's a bit of a story.
When our group first came together, our vision included all living together for a few years, so that we would be able to pool our finances to pay off all our debt and eventually be able to buy homes for each of us.The key part there was getting rid of our debt and having a financial plan for success. For various reasons that turned out to be a whole lot more difficult to do than it was to say.
Our initial plan was to get the best mortgage we could possibly get with our credit ratings and to start paying off debt as quickly as possible. Due to the number of people we had, a five bedroom house was the smallest size house that could reasonably accommodate us. Because of bad credit and or bad work history, the best mortgage we could get was still a terrible mortgage. We had a first and second mortgage. The first mortgage was a variable rate forty year mortgage that started at 8% and the second was a thirty year at over 10% . The plan was to make our payments on time and after two years consolidate the two terrible mortgages into one better hopefully around 4%. The idea was to work things in such a way that we would all live in the same house for seven years. During that time we would pay off all our debt and start saving money to buy more houses.
The exact time when we were eligible to refinance is when the housing crash happened and nobody anywhere would talk to us about refinancing. Around then is when the first mortgage company started changing our rates every few months and our bills started going higher and higher for no real reason. Our group went through a lot of painful change during this time. Very little was directly caused by our mortgage troubles, but all directly affected our finances.
I am the third of our financial managers. The first two were very difficult to get straight answers from about our finances. All we knew was that thousands of dollars a month were going into our group pool of money and at the end of the month we were always just above broke in our group account. There was no transparency. It was never clear whose contributions were exactly how much or how much each person was keeping for personal debts. People moved out and took their debt with them and still our bills didn't seem to go down.
When I took over the finances, at first, I didn't really have a plan. I was just so overwhelmed with attempting to keep up, that I wasn't looking far enough ahead to make a plan. I saw that we were still spending as much or more than we made a month. I realized that this pattern could not continue if we were to be successful. So, I started taking steps to reduce our monthly outlay of cash.
An opportunity came up to get rid of our 2nd mortgage for about five percent of what we owed on it. I snatched that up in a heartbeat and suddenly an extra $700 per month was available. I got a copy of everyone's credit report and made a list of who owed how much and prioritized who was getting paid and who wasn't. Basically any accounts that were still open I would pay. Any medical bills or things that were closed would wait. I looked for and found several ways that some bills could be consolidated. Some like our phone bill, I cut in half by switching companies.
When our group first came together, our vision included all living together for a few years, so that we would be able to pool our finances to pay off all our debt and eventually be able to buy homes for each of us.The key part there was getting rid of our debt and having a financial plan for success. For various reasons that turned out to be a whole lot more difficult to do than it was to say.
Our initial plan was to get the best mortgage we could possibly get with our credit ratings and to start paying off debt as quickly as possible. Due to the number of people we had, a five bedroom house was the smallest size house that could reasonably accommodate us. Because of bad credit and or bad work history, the best mortgage we could get was still a terrible mortgage. We had a first and second mortgage. The first mortgage was a variable rate forty year mortgage that started at 8% and the second was a thirty year at over 10% . The plan was to make our payments on time and after two years consolidate the two terrible mortgages into one better hopefully around 4%. The idea was to work things in such a way that we would all live in the same house for seven years. During that time we would pay off all our debt and start saving money to buy more houses.
The exact time when we were eligible to refinance is when the housing crash happened and nobody anywhere would talk to us about refinancing. Around then is when the first mortgage company started changing our rates every few months and our bills started going higher and higher for no real reason. Our group went through a lot of painful change during this time. Very little was directly caused by our mortgage troubles, but all directly affected our finances.
I am the third of our financial managers. The first two were very difficult to get straight answers from about our finances. All we knew was that thousands of dollars a month were going into our group pool of money and at the end of the month we were always just above broke in our group account. There was no transparency. It was never clear whose contributions were exactly how much or how much each person was keeping for personal debts. People moved out and took their debt with them and still our bills didn't seem to go down.
When I took over the finances, at first, I didn't really have a plan. I was just so overwhelmed with attempting to keep up, that I wasn't looking far enough ahead to make a plan. I saw that we were still spending as much or more than we made a month. I realized that this pattern could not continue if we were to be successful. So, I started taking steps to reduce our monthly outlay of cash.
An opportunity came up to get rid of our 2nd mortgage for about five percent of what we owed on it. I snatched that up in a heartbeat and suddenly an extra $700 per month was available. I got a copy of everyone's credit report and made a list of who owed how much and prioritized who was getting paid and who wasn't. Basically any accounts that were still open I would pay. Any medical bills or things that were closed would wait. I looked for and found several ways that some bills could be consolidated. Some like our phone bill, I cut in half by switching companies.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
After a year
It is early Saturday morning as I write this. On Tuesday my blog will be 1 year old. Looking back over the past year I have noticed a few things. A year is a long time and a lot has happened. The general structure of my day to day life is the same but a lot of the fine details are better.
About my writing specifically, I made a commitment to make one post a day. One would think with that commitment that would mean I would have at least 360 posts by now. And I would if it weren't for a few hiccups along the way.
First and foremost I, like most people reading this, am human(I think). Sometimes I get so involved in enjoying life and living it that writing doesn't occur to me until the day is through and I am getting ready for bed. On the days where that happens I do my best to make two posts the next day.
The second thing that kind of gets my postings all out of whack is that unlike most people, I have a hard time with the 24 hour day. Unless I am wearing contacts, I tend to still be wide awake at the 16 hour mark and not looking to sleep at all. I frequently find myself awake for 24 to 36 hours in a row and then sleep for 10 to 12 hours afterwards. Including the sleep cycle, an average day for me is somewhere in the 36 to 48 hour range. I do almost always write one new article per "day". It's just that my day isn't necessarily ruled by one rising and setting of the sun.
And last but not least, for the past couple of months, I have been branching out and re-posting my older work in a few new places on the web. It has definitely been worth the effort but between re-posting the old and writing the new, sometimes it hasn't all gotten done. For the past couple of weeks, it has been pretty bad. I've only had new stuff every two or three days and that is not acceptable. As of today though, I am all caught up and plan to return to my regularly scheduled one post per day.
I must say, although I haven't talked to many of you directly, I have enjoyed the comments that you have left for me. And from time to time I do enjoy reading many of the blogs of my followers. You all have such inspiring stories and tremendous experiences. It is fun and interesting seeing life through your eyes. It has actually surprised me to see the number of other people that have already taken it upon themselves to make the world a better place, to improve life simply by living better, by making better choices and becoming better people. And for an individual life that works, but what about the rest of the world?
When I first started this, I saw myself as a lone voice in the darkness, kind of like a pioneer going out into the great unknown and blazing a trail. Now, what I see and hear is a lot of other voices singing a lot of similar tunes. Together it creates a hell of a racket but on a large scale not much gets done. A million people is a lot of people. But a million individuals is just a crowd, albeit a large one.
However, a million like minded individuals all chanting the same tune is a force to be reckoned with, a force for change. Come join my tribe. Let's work together to make the world a better place.
About my writing specifically, I made a commitment to make one post a day. One would think with that commitment that would mean I would have at least 360 posts by now. And I would if it weren't for a few hiccups along the way.
First and foremost I, like most people reading this, am human(I think). Sometimes I get so involved in enjoying life and living it that writing doesn't occur to me until the day is through and I am getting ready for bed. On the days where that happens I do my best to make two posts the next day.
The second thing that kind of gets my postings all out of whack is that unlike most people, I have a hard time with the 24 hour day. Unless I am wearing contacts, I tend to still be wide awake at the 16 hour mark and not looking to sleep at all. I frequently find myself awake for 24 to 36 hours in a row and then sleep for 10 to 12 hours afterwards. Including the sleep cycle, an average day for me is somewhere in the 36 to 48 hour range. I do almost always write one new article per "day". It's just that my day isn't necessarily ruled by one rising and setting of the sun.
And last but not least, for the past couple of months, I have been branching out and re-posting my older work in a few new places on the web. It has definitely been worth the effort but between re-posting the old and writing the new, sometimes it hasn't all gotten done. For the past couple of weeks, it has been pretty bad. I've only had new stuff every two or three days and that is not acceptable. As of today though, I am all caught up and plan to return to my regularly scheduled one post per day.
I must say, although I haven't talked to many of you directly, I have enjoyed the comments that you have left for me. And from time to time I do enjoy reading many of the blogs of my followers. You all have such inspiring stories and tremendous experiences. It is fun and interesting seeing life through your eyes. It has actually surprised me to see the number of other people that have already taken it upon themselves to make the world a better place, to improve life simply by living better, by making better choices and becoming better people. And for an individual life that works, but what about the rest of the world?
When I first started this, I saw myself as a lone voice in the darkness, kind of like a pioneer going out into the great unknown and blazing a trail. Now, what I see and hear is a lot of other voices singing a lot of similar tunes. Together it creates a hell of a racket but on a large scale not much gets done. A million people is a lot of people. But a million individuals is just a crowd, albeit a large one.
However, a million like minded individuals all chanting the same tune is a force to be reckoned with, a force for change. Come join my tribe. Let's work together to make the world a better place.
Monday, March 31, 2014
The world's best super computer only does what its told
I am of course talking about the human brain. We have yet to build a single machine that comes even close to the raw computing power of the human mind. We take in billions of bits of data every second and somehow manage to sort through what is relevant and what is not, without any conscious effort.
A lot of people think that they are too dumb for complex situations or that they have terrible memories. That really isn't true though. What makes me say this?
Well, take for instance the complex math involved in crossing a busy street. If there are just one or two cars here and there it is easy to just say, well that car is far away. I should have plenty of time to make it across. But as that car gets closer and closer, there is a point where your mind tells you not to cross because you won't make it in time. How do you really know this?
You subconsciously take in all of the available data and make multiple complex calculations without even intentionally thinking about it. First, there is the distance of the car in question and the distance you need to travel to get to the other side of the road. You don't know how many feet or yards exactly it is from one side of the road to the other and you don't know exactly how far the other car is from you. Then there is the speed that you are each traveling at, also both unknowns.
There's a comparison between the time it will take you to cross the road and the amount of time it will take that vehicle to reach you. Without knowing the actual speeds and exact distances involved your brain somehow calculates the speeds and distances as relative ratios, compares one to the other and decides that you do or don't have enough time to cross.
At a busy intersection your mind will make these calculations dozens or even hundreds of times a minute, all running in the background while you are busy thinking about that cute blonde, or what you are going to have for lunch. And that's just one example. Your brain does things like this literally all day ever day. Take for example the complexities involved in even such a simple task as turning the knob on a door handle to open it. Think its easy? Talk to a few robotics programmers who will tell you differently. There are things such as angles and distances, timing, rotation and grip, correct amounts of pressure, both for gripping and rotating, and even the right amount of force to pull on the door so you have enough time to step back without opening it into yourself(if it opens towards you that is)
A person may not be good at consciously calculating things. But that is only due to lack of practice, not lack of ability. It can and should be trained.
As far as memory goes, I believe we all have perfect memories. We just fail to use them properly. Forgetting is deemed by most people as a perfectly acceptable reason for not having done something. So we don't put much effort into remembering.
But I have some examples on memory as well. First, I can't speak for everybody, but nearly every person that I have asked about this has admitted to having at least one dream that they could remember in vivid detail, one where things in the dream mirrored exactly a scene from their life. Every single thing in the dream was the same as it was in real life. How could that be if our memory was bad?
Then there's the fact that none of us ever forget to put on clothing before heading off to work right? Why not? Because we know its not acceptable. There are multiple consequences, some immediate and some embarrassing. The point is, it is something that we, at some point in our lives, tag as important and necessary to do, every single time we leave the house. Every thing in our lives that we tag with that degree of importance gets remembered, every single time.
Other things that we deem less important we put lesser labels on and many of those are the things we constantly forget. When we admit that we forget a thing, what we are really saying is, that thing was not important enough for us to remember.
Again, we operate the most complex machine ever created, all the time. The machine does what we tell it to do. If we tell the machine to remember a thing it remembers it. If we don't, it doesn't. It IS our fault when we forget. Tag the important stuff as important and there won't be a problem.
A lot of people think that they are too dumb for complex situations or that they have terrible memories. That really isn't true though. What makes me say this?
Well, take for instance the complex math involved in crossing a busy street. If there are just one or two cars here and there it is easy to just say, well that car is far away. I should have plenty of time to make it across. But as that car gets closer and closer, there is a point where your mind tells you not to cross because you won't make it in time. How do you really know this?
You subconsciously take in all of the available data and make multiple complex calculations without even intentionally thinking about it. First, there is the distance of the car in question and the distance you need to travel to get to the other side of the road. You don't know how many feet or yards exactly it is from one side of the road to the other and you don't know exactly how far the other car is from you. Then there is the speed that you are each traveling at, also both unknowns.
There's a comparison between the time it will take you to cross the road and the amount of time it will take that vehicle to reach you. Without knowing the actual speeds and exact distances involved your brain somehow calculates the speeds and distances as relative ratios, compares one to the other and decides that you do or don't have enough time to cross.
At a busy intersection your mind will make these calculations dozens or even hundreds of times a minute, all running in the background while you are busy thinking about that cute blonde, or what you are going to have for lunch. And that's just one example. Your brain does things like this literally all day ever day. Take for example the complexities involved in even such a simple task as turning the knob on a door handle to open it. Think its easy? Talk to a few robotics programmers who will tell you differently. There are things such as angles and distances, timing, rotation and grip, correct amounts of pressure, both for gripping and rotating, and even the right amount of force to pull on the door so you have enough time to step back without opening it into yourself(if it opens towards you that is)
A person may not be good at consciously calculating things. But that is only due to lack of practice, not lack of ability. It can and should be trained.
As far as memory goes, I believe we all have perfect memories. We just fail to use them properly. Forgetting is deemed by most people as a perfectly acceptable reason for not having done something. So we don't put much effort into remembering.
But I have some examples on memory as well. First, I can't speak for everybody, but nearly every person that I have asked about this has admitted to having at least one dream that they could remember in vivid detail, one where things in the dream mirrored exactly a scene from their life. Every single thing in the dream was the same as it was in real life. How could that be if our memory was bad?
Then there's the fact that none of us ever forget to put on clothing before heading off to work right? Why not? Because we know its not acceptable. There are multiple consequences, some immediate and some embarrassing. The point is, it is something that we, at some point in our lives, tag as important and necessary to do, every single time we leave the house. Every thing in our lives that we tag with that degree of importance gets remembered, every single time.
Other things that we deem less important we put lesser labels on and many of those are the things we constantly forget. When we admit that we forget a thing, what we are really saying is, that thing was not important enough for us to remember.
Again, we operate the most complex machine ever created, all the time. The machine does what we tell it to do. If we tell the machine to remember a thing it remembers it. If we don't, it doesn't. It IS our fault when we forget. Tag the important stuff as important and there won't be a problem.
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