The truth behind the excuse pt1

One of the biggest problems we face, as individuals, living in this world is getting along with others. Most if not all of the time this is due to one form or another of miscommunication. There are two main reasons for these communication breakdowns.

The first is the other person does not understand what it is that we are saying. Either they think they do so they don't ask probing questions to clarify the situation. Or they know they have no idea what you are talking about but don't want to or are afraid to ask. So they make assumptions based on what they think it is that you might have meant. And then things get screwed up beyond all recognition. That is not what I want to talk about today though.

What I want to talk about is probably the most common reason for miscommunication between two or more people. Dishonesty. In the past we have discussed little white lies, like does this dress make me look fat or was dinner to your liking? We have also talked about the way our minds distort, delete and generalize incoming data, causing us to not accurately remember most of what happens in our lives. (Yay documentation) .

But, there is a third way in which we are dishonest with both ourselves and every other person in our lives. It happens to pretty much all of us, though most of us are completely unaware that it happens, even while it is happening.What am I talking about? I could just tell you, and I will. But first I am going to share with you a couple of examples.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are asked by someone you live with to take the trash out. You don't want to do this chore, especially not right now. You are in the middle of watching a show on the TV that you are very interested in. The person isn't going to go away until you say something though. So, you agree to do it after the show is over. 

Finally, it has been three hours since you were asked to take out the trash. The show you were watching has come and gone, as have several others. You are tired and go to bed. The next morning, the person who asked you to take out the trash last night comes to you and begins to tear into you. Why didn't you do what you said you were going to do they ask? You tell them you forgot. While technically true, this isn't the truth.

Another example. You and some friends have been looking forward to a night out on the town for some time. At the last moment your spouse reminds you that you agreed to drive your eldest child, a musical prodigy,  four hours to his/her late evening audition for Juilliard, today. You bail on your friends. They of course get mad and want to know why you didn't hang out with them. You tell them that you had no choice. You had to take your child to the appointment. Again, there is truth to your excuse, but it still isn't really the truth.

See, the truth is that in both circumstances, you had choices.  In the first, you broke an agreement you didn't want to keep and in the second you broke one you wanted to keep and kept one you may or may not have wanted to keep. The real truth is, we as people, all of us, do what we want and do not do what we do not want to.

Now, before you blast that statement back to the Stone Age, let's be clear on what I mean when I say want. Every single one of us has wants and desires. We know what it is that makes us happy and what its that we want to spend most of our time doing. In most cases however, we spend the majority of our time doing things that are not on the list of things that we want to do. Why is this?

Well, its called obligation. We tell ourselves that we aren't doing what we want because of other things that we say that we have to do. We say that we have no choice in the matter. And that is the simple convenient lie that we tell ourselves and other people. It is how we victimize ourselves. But, it isn't true.

What's the story with history?

If all of the people on one side of a war are killed, the whole story can no longer be told. That is where the statement that "history is often written by the victor" comes from. With the unbalance left by only one side being properly represented, it should become obvious that history is not overburdened with facts. If you are old enough to read and understand these words, then surely you know that there are many different ways to describe any given set of events.

A factual accounting of things rarely if ever truly happens. Why is this? Well, first of all, because in just about every case, it is just super boring to only relate exactly what happened, just the way it happened. Also, most of the time what becomes "history" is what society remembers of a given incident. A great deal of history is verbal not written. Most of the time what is written and what society "knows" to be true about an event are vastly different.

There are those who were physically present for a given event. Then there are those that were not. Often those who were there tell the tale for those who were not. But, when those who were not there relate it to others something is lost because they did not have the experience themselves. The best they can ever hope to do, without repeating the story verbatim, is to relate their understanding of what happened.

What a person thinks about a given thing tends to color what he or she says about it to another person. More and different emotion gets added to the story with each new telling. Each person gives just a little of their own color to the story until at last someone who was actually present for the events being described may not even recognize the story as their own.

Most people aren't even aware though that the real tainting of a story happens before they share it with anyone else. Our own memory of a given event is often colored by how we think of ourselves, whether as hero or villain, empowered or victimized. Then when we share our story with others, we tend to put a spin on the story that makes us look the way we perceive ourselves to be. Sometimes we are embarrassed at our role in a given scene and may slightly alter the telling to make ourselves look more dashing or less foolish.

Other times we refuse to admit to ourselves that certain things took place. We may be afraid of what others will think if the whole and exact truth comes to light. Or we want to make some other person's role seem more villainous than it actually was. So when we share the tale, we omit certain details or tell things out of order.

All of this leads to our history being filled with falsehood.

There isn't really anything that one can do to change this since you do not have the power to control what others do and say. You can however decide at any point to have the courage to be completely honest, first with yourself and then others. Choose for yourself to remember things as they actually happened, not the way you wished they had. Memorize the boring old details and separate how you felt from what actually happened. When asked what happened, tell it just the way it was.

When your boss asks why you were forty minutes late, tell the truth. You woke up late, hence you got to work late.

Feel free to make up a dashing, daring tale, full of villains and fair maidens, dragons and knights. Imagine. Embellish. Create. Blame. Exonerate. But save the big beautiful lie, the faerie tale, for story time.

Same work. Two perspectives

Let's have a little make believe session.  There are two scenarios that I would like you to imagine.

First, you go in to work and your boss has had all of the furniture removed from the office. He says if you would like to remain employed, you are going to be spending the next few days painting the walls, setting up bookshelves and creating new furniture.

In this second completely unrelated scenario you and your spouse are going to be having a baby soon. You decide that you will be painting the walls, setting up bookshelves and creating new furniture for the baby's room.

Which one of these two sets of tasks do you think you are more likely to give your very best focus and attention? Which one will you truly enjoy doing? Which one will give you the most satisfaction once complete?

Unless you are really abnormal the answer to all of the above questions is the second scenario. But why? The same work is being done in both circumstances. The same things are required of you.

One might say the first scenario is displeasing because it is a job you are expected to do or because you have no choice. The truth is you do have a choice, but since you decide that you want to keep your job you are being "forced" into the situation. When this happens resentment often sets in.

The other is more acceptable because it is your idea and not something someone else is telling you to do. But the real answer is that the second scenario is a labor of love. It is something that you truly want to do for this new person that is coming into your life soon.

Because of this, you will take great care to make every detail as perfect as it can possibly be. You will put every ounce of care and craftsmanship into the work that you are capable of doing. And you will most likely enjoy every minute spent on these tasks, possibly singing while you work or daydreaming about the time that you and your family will spend in the room when it is done.

Conversely, the work that you do for your boss will be adequate to get the job done and probably enough to keep your position, but the work will not make you happy and neither will the results.

I'd like to go back to the "but why?" question above. Every single circumstance in your life can be a labor of love. There is no reason to ever have the typical viewpoint expressed in the "work" scenario. The only good reason to ever do anything in life is because you want the result of that thing either for yourself or for someone else that you love.

Do not view the hours spent working for your boss as slaving away to make someone else rich. Look at it as what is required in order to support yourself and your family. And then rejoice that you are able to spend that time five days a week making it possible.

The work is the same. It is the point of view that is different. Who decides your point of view? You do. Happy people are more productive people as well as better problem solvers. So, if you are going to spend the same 40 hours working either way, why not enjoy it?

Suffer or Speak?

How many times has someone, your spouse, a parent or some other loved one cooked you a truly mediocre meal and when asked for feedback you said it was good? I mean you have to right? You do not want to hurt their feelings.  Alright, so you tell them it's okay and then quickly change the subject to talk about something else, thinking you've dodged a bullet.

But then what happens? Time passes and they make the same meal again. Now when they ask, you have to again say it was good, even though it really was not. It creates kind of this catch-22 because if you speak up now about how you did not like the food, they wonder if you are lying now or if you were lying the last time. Regardless of which you tell them is true they are not going to believe you because you lied about it. And, chances are they will not believe anything you say in the future either. So, to avoid the explosion that will follow, you have to suffer in silence about it forever. Each time they make this meal for you, they think they are doing something nice and showing how much they care about you. And each time you eat it you enjoy it less and less.

What seemed like a little white lie in the beginning may actually be instrumental in destroying your relationship with that person. I know that might seem ridiculous, but it can and does happen. And here is why. This kind of thing is like a gateway to lying about other things that you do not like but are afraid to admit. Honey? What do you think about this perfume? This lingerie? My parents? Does this dress make me look fat? Each one seems so innocuous but soon you have this whole avalanche of little white lies that can easily come crashing down and destroy your relationship.

You felt in the beginning that you were avoiding an issue by being quiet and by keeping the truth to yourself. But in reality, every time you do this you are doing harm to both yourself and the other person involved. The only possible way to avoid this is to be honest in the first place. Now that does not mean you should tell them in no uncertain terms how crappy their food was. That would upset nearly anybody. But, if you do your best to be as diplomatic as possible, about the circumstance, pointing out the things that you liked and did not like and what you think could have been done to make it better and the other person chooses to take offense, there is nothing further you can do about it. They asked you for your feedback. If they are not prepared for an honest answer they should not ask.

If you have already made this mistake of lying to cover up how you really feel about something food or otherwise, man up, suffer the consequences of telling the truth about it and commit to being honest about such things in the future. You can not change the past. But you can make it so that you do not have to lie about how you feel in the future.