One of the biggest problems we face, as individuals, living in this world is getting along with others. Most if not all of the time this is due to one form or another of miscommunication. There are two main reasons for these communication breakdowns.
The first is the other person does not understand what it is that we are saying. Either they think they do so they don't ask probing questions to clarify the situation. Or they know they have no idea what you are talking about but don't want to or are afraid to ask. So they make assumptions based on what they think it is that you might have meant. And then things get screwed up beyond all recognition. That is not what I want to talk about today though.
What I want to talk about is probably the most common reason for miscommunication between two or more people. Dishonesty. In the past we have discussed little white lies, like does this dress make me look fat or was dinner to your liking? We have also talked about the way our minds distort, delete and generalize incoming data, causing us to not accurately remember most of what happens in our lives. (Yay documentation) .
But, there is a third way in which we are dishonest with both ourselves and every other person in our lives. It happens to pretty much all of us, though most of us are completely unaware that it happens, even while it is happening.What am I talking about? I could just tell you, and I will. But first I am going to share with you a couple of examples.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are asked by someone you live with to take the trash out. You don't want to do this chore, especially not right now. You are in the middle of watching a show on the TV that you are very interested in. The person isn't going to go away until you say something though. So, you agree to do it after the show is over.
Finally, it has been three hours since you were asked to take out the trash. The show you were watching has come and gone, as have several others. You are tired and go to bed. The next morning, the person who asked you to take out the trash last night comes to you and begins to tear into you. Why didn't you do what you said you were going to do they ask? You tell them you forgot. While technically true, this isn't the truth.
Another example. You and some friends have been looking forward to a night out on the town for some time. At the last moment your spouse reminds you that you agreed to drive your eldest child, a musical prodigy, four hours to his/her late evening audition for Juilliard, today. You bail on your friends. They of course get mad and want to know why you didn't hang out with them. You tell them that you had no choice. You had to take your child to the appointment. Again, there is truth to your excuse, but it still isn't really the truth.
See, the truth is that in both circumstances, you had choices. In the first, you broke an agreement you didn't want to keep and in the second you broke one you wanted to keep and kept one you may or may not have wanted to keep. The real truth is, we as people, all of us, do what we want and do not do what we do not want to.
Now, before you blast that statement back to the Stone Age, let's be clear on what I mean when I say want. Every single one of us has wants and desires. We know what it is that makes us happy and what its that we want to spend most of our time doing. In most cases however, we spend the majority of our time doing things that are not on the list of things that we want to do. Why is this?
Well, its called obligation. We tell ourselves that we aren't doing what we want because of other things that we say that we have to do. We say that we have no choice in the matter. And that is the simple convenient lie that we tell ourselves and other people. It is how we victimize ourselves. But, it isn't true.
Showing posts with label miscommunication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscommunication. Show all posts
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Lack of belief system pt1
If you have been following along for some time now, you probably
think I am either pretty smart, enlightened or crazy. Regardless of
which one you believe, you are probably correct. And here today, I offer
up even more proof to support whichever one you believe.
One of the biggest problems we face in relationships with one another is miscommunication . A person will say something and we will think that we know what it is that they mean. But, most of the time, we actually do not understand what it is that another person says. We just think we do. We take what they say and translate it into something that makes sense within our own belief system. We assume that that thing, that makes sense within our own belief system, is what they meant and we move on. So, we will step away from that conversation and make decisions and choices based on the new information that person gave us. We will build other things we believe on top of that information and make even more choices and decisions. And then we come back into contact with that person and tell them about the things that we have learned based on those choices and decisions and ...hey! Why is that person looking at us like we just grew three new heads? Here is where we realize there is a breakdown. They have no idea what we are talking about.
Where is the breakdown though? What causes the miscommunication? Person A gave us information. We just took in that information and started doing things with it right? So if there is any flaw it has to be with the information itself, making it the fault of person A right? Not exactly. Person A did provide us with information, that much is true. And we did start using that information to begin making choices and decisions with. But not right away. First, we filtered that information through our belief system, so that it made sense to us. And that is where the problem comes in. When we did that, we changed what they meant into our understanding of what they meant. Quite frequently, this leads to being wrong while still thinking you are right.
So the two sins here are assuming that you know what someone else means and filtering things through your belief system. But what can you do about it? You have to make assumptions, right? And you have to have a belief system don't you? To both of those questions, I say, no, not really. Uh... what? How is that possible? Well to answer that you really need to understand what both an assumption and a belief system are.
Let's take the assumption first. When you make an assumption you are taking something for granted. You are thinking and acting as if a thing is true, usually without any supporting evidence. You are just accepting that it is true.This is fine if the source of the information is clear and simple or an absolute authority on the subject in question. For example as children we are supposed to accept without question the words of our elders. Another example would be in martial arts a brand new student is supposed to do what they are told without question and to follow in the footsteps of all those who came before. However, in both martial arts and coming of age, there is a time where you are no longer supposed to blindly accept what you are taught. As a black belt you are supposed to question everything. Why does it work this way? Why don't we do it this way instead? What makes this way better than any other way? As an adult the same thing is supposed to happen. Instead you are stuck in this rut, of just accepting whatever new piece of data comes along without question. A decade or two of instruction has ingrained this way of being in you. But you need to break out of it. You should question everything, not in a hostile or aggressive way, but in a way that enables you to understand a thing rather than just accepting it as true.
One of the biggest problems we face in relationships with one another is miscommunication . A person will say something and we will think that we know what it is that they mean. But, most of the time, we actually do not understand what it is that another person says. We just think we do. We take what they say and translate it into something that makes sense within our own belief system. We assume that that thing, that makes sense within our own belief system, is what they meant and we move on. So, we will step away from that conversation and make decisions and choices based on the new information that person gave us. We will build other things we believe on top of that information and make even more choices and decisions. And then we come back into contact with that person and tell them about the things that we have learned based on those choices and decisions and ...hey! Why is that person looking at us like we just grew three new heads? Here is where we realize there is a breakdown. They have no idea what we are talking about.
Where is the breakdown though? What causes the miscommunication? Person A gave us information. We just took in that information and started doing things with it right? So if there is any flaw it has to be with the information itself, making it the fault of person A right? Not exactly. Person A did provide us with information, that much is true. And we did start using that information to begin making choices and decisions with. But not right away. First, we filtered that information through our belief system, so that it made sense to us. And that is where the problem comes in. When we did that, we changed what they meant into our understanding of what they meant. Quite frequently, this leads to being wrong while still thinking you are right.
So the two sins here are assuming that you know what someone else means and filtering things through your belief system. But what can you do about it? You have to make assumptions, right? And you have to have a belief system don't you? To both of those questions, I say, no, not really. Uh... what? How is that possible? Well to answer that you really need to understand what both an assumption and a belief system are.
Let's take the assumption first. When you make an assumption you are taking something for granted. You are thinking and acting as if a thing is true, usually without any supporting evidence. You are just accepting that it is true.This is fine if the source of the information is clear and simple or an absolute authority on the subject in question. For example as children we are supposed to accept without question the words of our elders. Another example would be in martial arts a brand new student is supposed to do what they are told without question and to follow in the footsteps of all those who came before. However, in both martial arts and coming of age, there is a time where you are no longer supposed to blindly accept what you are taught. As a black belt you are supposed to question everything. Why does it work this way? Why don't we do it this way instead? What makes this way better than any other way? As an adult the same thing is supposed to happen. Instead you are stuck in this rut, of just accepting whatever new piece of data comes along without question. A decade or two of instruction has ingrained this way of being in you. But you need to break out of it. You should question everything, not in a hostile or aggressive way, but in a way that enables you to understand a thing rather than just accepting it as true.
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