I think it should be called the dis comfort zone

While growing up, we learn things about the world, things that help shape who and what we are. We have all these different experiences with relationships and environments and based on those experiences we make decisions about what is and is not possible, about what can and cannot be done.

After getting burned a few times by life, our lives begin to fall into a certain pattern. A general routine gets formed and from that point on we pretty much blindly follow the pattern day in and day out for the rest of our lives.

That pattern is called our comfort zone and it is one of the biggest stumbling blocks there is to our growth as a person. It is called our comfort zone, even thought it is not necessarily a place we enjoy being, because it is what we are used to. It is familiar, comfortable. In our comfort zone life still happens and things are somewhat random, just in a way that we have control of.

Our comfort zone includes all of our beliefs, traditions and habits. Once we learn something new and accept it into our way of being, it becomes part of our comfort zone. And sadly once that happens our brains pretty much turn off and we live on auto-pilot. We don't think about that thing anymore. It just is.

The problem with this way of being is, life is dynamic. Things are constantly changing. What was true one minute may not be in another. In order to be as successful as we possibly can, in order to get as much out of life as possible, we need to constantly be testing our boundaries, checking for new ideas and testing to see whether old ones are still valid. There is nothing wrong with tradition or routine. What is wrong is blindly following without making sure that what was true once is true still.

We make snap decisions based on environment and negative reinforcement all the time that are true in that moment or that circumstance but not true overall in life. And it hurts us, in ways that we often do not realize.

 For example after a string of relationship rejections we might decide that there is nobody out there looking for someone like us. The truth was that those particular people were not looking for someone like us. But we decide to give up on being in a relationship based on those examples. There are billions of people on this planet. Deciding after ten, a few hundred, or even a few thousand rejections that there is no one out there for us is just stupid.

An experiment was done where a group of college students were assembled in a room. They were told they could leave whenever they liked. Immediately one of them tested the door and found it locked.

A few minutes later loud unpleasant music began to play. This was followed up by the lights flickering on and off intermittently. Then gradually all kinds of horrifying discordant sounds were added.

Several hours later all of the students were still sitting there in the room. After the experiment was over they found out that the door had only been locked for the first five minutes.

The one student had checked the door, found it locked and shared that information with everyone else who from that time on just accepted the "fact" that they were locked in even though it wasn't true.

They all suffered for hours just because of one thing that they made part of their comfort zone.

You might say if you were in that circumstance you would make a different choice, and perhaps you would, but we all make thousands of similar blunders throughout our lifetime.

How can this be avoided though? Get out of your comfort zone. Test the boundaries.Don't accept anything as permanently true. There is no need to be belligerent or mean spirited, but always be inquisitive. Find out why a thing is the way that it is, how long it's been that way and whether or not it has ever been different.

Be open to change. Either because things actually have changed or because new information causes you to find that things you thought were true were not.

So much advice. Who to listen to?

With around seven billion people travelling with us on spaceship Earth, there is a seemingly unlimited amount of opinions about what is right or wrong in any given situation. And most people are not at all shy about telling you what they think you should do.

We are constantly being bombarded from all sides, everyday, by the thoughts and ideas of others. Radio, TV and magazine advertisements tell us how their product is better than anyone else's. Friends, family and other loved ones give us their advice on everything under the sun, from romance and sex, to money, what clothes to buy, how we should act. If you can name it, there are tons of people that want to tell us how or why to do it.

Our instinct seems to be, and in fact the way most of us handle things, is to just say and do what other people that we trust tell us. The people that we believe have our best interests at heart are the ones that we tend to take advice from. We treat the people that care about us as authorities on whatever subject it is that we need help with.

The flaw in this logic is that well, it isn't really logical at all. Quite often the people we turn to for advice are just as lost on whatever topic it is that we need help with as we are.

For example, you might go to your favorite uncle for relationship advice because he is someone you feel comfortable talking to. But if he has been divorced four times, the odds are his relationship advice isn't very sound.

Or perhaps you are having trouble managing your finances. You might go to your father for help. After all he was head of the household while you were growing up. He cares about you and would never intentionally steer you wrong. But if he is broke and living paycheck to paycheck, the advice he has for you isn't likely to help out very much.

Most of the advice that we are given by other people is not factual. It is opinions formed by their own experiences in life. If the person giving the advice has not had success with the issue at hand then they are not qualified to share with you what will bring success. They can in fact tell you what did not work for them, but they have no way of knowing what will work for you.

The Oracle in Matrix Revolutions says  " You can’t see beyond a choice you don’t understand."

If you haven't experienced something, you cannot share that experience with someone else. If you want solid advice about a given topic, seek out a person that has actually achieved the level of success that you are looking for. Only a person that has done so really knows and understands what they are talking about. Everyone else is just guessing.

The same thing goes for negative feedback. If you are starting a new business or relationship, countless people will tell you exactly how or why things just aren't going to work. Take a moment to separate the list of people giving you advice into two groups, the ones who have achieved what you are working towards and those that have not. Then only listen to and accept into your way being advice from people who have succeeded at what it is that you intend to do. Acknowledge those other people that care enough to share their opinions but realize that they are only opinions.

Hell or Paradise?

In order to avoid a seeming eternity of never ending pain and suffering, could you, would you, do and say nice things to, about, and for everyone else around you? I hope so because that's what it takes to endure the time in peace and happiness.

But, I am not talking about the afterlife. No, whether or not you live in hell or paradise here on Earth, is entirely up to you. How is this possible?

Well for the most part, you get back what you put out. Most people have the impression that others are out to "get them". This really could not be farther from the truth. The average person is just going through life trying to survive, looking out for number one, so to speak. They aren't conscious enough about you and what goes on in your life to spend the time or energy to intentionally make things difficult for you. People generally do not do things to hurt you. They do what is best for them. And sometimes that means doing things that are not good for others. But they are not out to get you.

Most people are actually completely neutral towards those that they do not already know. Now think about this. If you are neutral towards a person who starts out being neutral towards you, you will get very little back but at least it won't be negative. Now if you are hostile towards someone who starts out neutral towards you, what happens? They become hostile as well. And if you are good and kind to others who have no previous impression of you, they tend to be good and kind in return don't they?

Imagine a person sitting in their easy chair in front of the fireplace waiting for the heat to come out. They never put any wood into the fireplace but they are demanding warmth. Do you think they will ever get it? Of course not. It just does not work that way. In order to get the warmth you first need to supply the fuel and start the fire.

We all want warmth and good will from others. But, in order to get it we need to be warm and good to others. We get to start the fire and make sure that it has plenty of fuel. Then in nearly every case, we will get warmth and good will reflected back to us. The best part of all is that this method is both reflective and additive.

As you build up your relationship with each person, you each tend to mirror the others outpouring of energy towards one another. With each reflection the strength of the bond and the energy between you continues to grow. You send back the positive energy that the other person sent towards you, plus a little bit more due to your current happiness with the way things are turning out. They receive your warmth and return it back, plus a little extra to reflect their own happiness with how things are.

This is the way that nearly all great friendships and romances start and is a wonderful recipe for eternal happiness and peace. We do decide every day of our lives, whether we realize it or not, whether we are going to live in hell or paradise, right here on Earth. There is no need to wait until you are dead to have the rewards of a good life. Why torture yourself and others all the years of your life by acting out of fear and hatred when you could instead live in paradise?

Current opportunity

Have you ever noticed that opportunity seems to present itself more often when you don't really seem to need it? If you already have a job, job offers may come pouring in. Or if you are married or in a serious relationship other people seem more interested in being in relationships with you.

Yet if you are single, sometimes it seems like no matter how much energy you put in, you just do not seem to get anywhere. And when you are unemployed everyone seems to look the other way when they see you coming.  These examples are not absolutes of course, or no one who is unemployed would ever get a new job and no one who is single would ever start a new relationship. But it does seem easier if you already have a job or a relationship to find a new one.

Why is this? Well let's take a look. A person who has a job is obviously employable. They must have certain desirable traits and qualifications that someone at least wants or they would not have gotten the job. The same is true of someone already in a relationship.

There is a kind of energy put off by someone in a relationship or in a job that a single or unemployed person does not have. There is an aura of confidence that others find attractive. You have credibility. People believe in you and are automatically drawn in.

So let's say you have a job and are in a relationship. What then? Take advantage of that aura of attraction and credibility to get more out of life. I am not saying you need to start a new job or cheat on your significant other. But you can use that energy to help you create new platonic relationships or strengthen old ones. And you can also find ways to incorporate the skills you already use in your daily work to come up with some business ideas that you can do alongside your current job.

Most people are waiting for life to bring them something new in order to make improvements to their life.But life isn't going to just bring you everything you desire. To get what you want out of life you are going to need to take certain steps to make it happen.  And a good first step for that would be for you to look everyday for new opportunities presented by the things you already have.

What do you do for a living? What skills have you developed as a result? How could those skills be applied in new and different ways to your benefit? What things have you learned from the relationships you have had in your life? How big is the network of people that you know through the people you associate with on a regular basis,  your family and friends or those of your significant other? What new skills and opportunities might come from that network?

Selfless?

One of the most important lessons that a person can learn is that they need to see to their own needs before seeing to the needs of others.  Is this selfish? Yes. It is. But it is the way things should be.

Why do I say this? After all, the common viewpoint is that there is no greater thing a person can do than to be in service to others. I believe this point of view wholeheartedly. But the fact of the matter is, if you die, you lose your ability to directly do anything for others.

This is why they tell you in the emergency instructions on an airplane to put the breathing mask on yourself first and then see to those of your children and other loved ones. If you perish trying to save your loved ones then you can no longer do anything for them. The fact of the matter is people go unconscious from lack of oxygen before they die of it.  If they go unconscious while you are putting your mask on there is a very good chance that you will still have time to get them oxygen before they die. IF on the other hand you decide to save them first, you may end up unconscious before you can save yourself. AND your child may not be able to save you because they may not understand how the mask works.

In the first situation there is a good chance that you will both survive. In the second there is a good chance that both of you will die, because once you perish you cannot control what happens in your child's life anymore.

Now this specific situation isn't likely to happen to you during your lifetime. But I have found that when situations get complicated and difficult to sort out it often helps to take things to their furthest logical conclusion.

Notice, in the beginning, that I did not say people should not look out for the needs of others. I simply said they should see to their own first.I have found that most people think and believe that they are for the most part selfless and do things for other people. But when push comes to shove the facade evaporates and you see that most people really are out for themselves. They just are not willing to publicly admit it unless forced to.

You want to be selfless and up until a certain point that is possible. Under circumstances of extreme pain whether physical or emotional the desire to survive tends to trump all other goals. If this were not the case, people would not break under torture. And it is often why relationships end. The level of pain escalates to the point where self preservation becomes more important than whatever you get out of the relationship. Nothing is more important than avoiding the destruction of mental faculties that will occur if things continue. When you are comfortable and pain free you can talk all day about how you want to be in service to others and how important it is to be able to take care of your loved ones. But if someone douses you in gasoline and sets you on fire, figuratively or literally, the only thing on your mind is going to be making the pain stop. Once the fire is out and you have recovered you can go back to focusing on others. But until then look out for number one. OR there won't be a number one.

Growing Up

When most people are young and in school we promise each other that we will be great friends forever. Then "life" happens and somehow years later we find that we no longer associate with any of the same people we used to know. What happens to cause this?  To really understand that, you need to understand what it is that drew you together in the first place.

You are naturally drawn toward people that have the same interests as you. You like a lot of the same foods, so you tend to eat together. You like the same styles of music so you jam together with your tunes, either in a band on your stereo or both. You play the same games, watch the same movies and read many of the same books.

The more things you do together, the more you have in common. And the more you have in common, the more you want to do together. You play, live, love, learn and grow together. Over time your experiences together form what seems to be an unbreakable bond.  After awhile, you really can not imagine living without one another.It is usually what happens though.

A couple of people in your group may go off to college in different states. One person may have to go out of town to take care of family. Another may spend 16 hours a day trying to keep a family business running. Soon there is just one or two of you left, reminiscing about what you all used to do together in the old days.

All of the things that you do together and all of the people that do them together become your social circle. I think of each collection of activities and time spent together as the core of a sphere and each person as rotating around that sphere. There are an infinite number of potential spheres as there is an infinite number of potential groupings of people and activities. And the way I see it, when one or more people no longer spend the time in that group doing those activities together, they naturally spin off from that sphere and into another one.

It is technically possible to hold a group together that is physically no longer able to spend as much time together. You can call, write, text,email, video chat, share every little thing you do on Facebook and Twitter and make frequent visits  to one another. But it will never be the same as when you all used to hang out together because there are so many other things going on in each individual life that you do not have the time to share with everybody all the time. Most people say that they will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going but when it comes right down to doing it, they do not. And that is okay. Yes, it is possible, but generally not worth the time or effort and usually just ends up adding enormous amounts of stress and strain on these relationships.

The time and effort that gets spent trying to keep a person locked into an old social circle prevents you from enjoying the people new and old that are in your social circle and prevents that person from fully enjoying the new sphere that they have spun off into. Do everything you can to spend as much time as possible enjoying life with the people in your sphere. But when circumstances natural or otherwise cause someone to no longer fit in your group, wish them well and let them go. It is nobody's fault. There is nothing wrong with you or them. Sometimes these things just happen. It may seem sad or even unfair at the time, but sometimes room needs to be made for new growth. Not everyone grows at the same time, same rate or even in the same direction, even if we have exactly the same experiences.

And that is why people very seldom remain lifelong friends with their school buddies.

Smelly cat?

There is a habit or maybe more of a pattern that I have noticed people have. They want to tell someone something but they are afraid that the person they want to tell is going to get upset. Sometimes they come to me for advice.  And it goes something like this.

Person B has an offensive body odor and needs to take a shower. Person A is being driven crazy by the smells coming off of person B. But they hesitate to mention it to person B because due to past experience they think this information will upset person B. What should person A do?

Well, the bottom line here is to remember the only person that you absolutely cannot get away from is yourself. Your thoughts and beliefs are with you no matter what happens. If you have to make a choice about who to upset, if at all possible it should not be yourself.

If you do not say anything, then you will continue to suffer every time that person is around due to their strong aroma. AND you will suffer every time you think about it because you will be reminded about how bad it is each time you think about that person. This will lead to negative energy being stored up in your relationship with them. Every thought and interaction will be slightly colored by this energy and it will bring your friendship down.

It is very likely that you are not the only one that has noticed their body odor. So others are having to deal with this unpleasantness just like you are. While the other person probably does know that they are somewhat odiferous, they may not realize that that fact is potentially causing damage to multiple relationships in their life. So, you owe it to yourself, the smelly person and everyone they interact with to say something.  But, what should you say?

Well, there is the part that amuses me. People are worried about how others will react to what they have to say, but they feel they need to say it anyways. My advice, invariably, is to phrase things just like that when they take it to the person they need to talk to.

Be mature and polite, but firm. In the above example I would go to my friend who needs a shower and I would tell him that I am concerned that what I have to say may upset him and that that is not my goal. But our friendship is important to me and this issue is very likely to disrupt our friendship if it continues. Then I would mention the unpleasant scent and request that he do something about it in the closest thing to the immediate future that is possible. If he resists or gets offended I would politely tell him that I understand how he feels but that if things continue in this manner I will be forced to go out of my way to avoid future interactions.

The issue does not have to be a smelly friend. The concept works with just about every issue that could come up. The formula as you can probably see, is to lead with the concern about what you have to say upsetting them, so that they know you are aware of their potential to be hurt or angered and that it is not your intention. Then point out how important your friendship is and that there is an issue that is getting in the way of you fully enjoying the relationship. Follow up, with what the issue is and your suggestions and requests for how it can be handled or eliminated. And again, politely but firmly, set an expectation for how you are likely to react if things are not remedied.

If they get upset after you go out of your way to let them know you are not intending to hurt or upset them, it is not your fault, or problem. It is theirs. And perhaps you should be re-evaluating your friendship with them anyways.

Most people that come to me for advice don't really need my advice. What they need is confirmation that they should do exactly what it is that they already believe they should. And that is advice that I enjoy giving.

Lack of belief system pt1

If you have been following along for some time now, you probably think I am either pretty smart, enlightened or crazy. Regardless of which one you believe, you are probably correct. And here today, I offer up even more proof to support whichever one you believe.

One of the biggest problems we face in relationships with one another is miscommunication . A person will say something and we will think that we know what it is that they mean. But, most of the time, we actually do not understand what it is that another person says. We just think we do. We take what they say and translate it into something that makes sense within our own belief system. We assume that that thing, that makes sense within our own belief system, is what they meant and we move on. So, we will step away from that conversation and make decisions and choices based on the new information that person gave us. We will build other things we believe on top of that information and make even more choices and decisions. And then we come back into contact with that person and tell them about the things that we have learned based on those choices and decisions and ...hey! Why is that person looking at us like we just grew three new heads? Here is where we realize there is a breakdown. They have no idea what we are talking about.

Where is the breakdown though? What causes the miscommunication? Person A gave us information. We just took in that information and started doing things with it right? So if there is any flaw it has to be with the information itself, making it the fault of person A right? Not exactly.  Person A did provide us with information, that much is true. And we did start using that information to begin making choices and decisions with. But not right away. First, we filtered that information through our belief system, so that it made sense to us. And that is where the problem comes in. When we did that, we changed what they meant into our understanding of what they meant. Quite frequently, this leads to being wrong while still thinking you are right.

So the two sins here are assuming that you know what someone else means and filtering things through your belief system. But what can you do about it? You have to make assumptions, right? And you have to have a belief system don't you? To both of those questions, I say,  no, not really. Uh... what? How is that possible? Well to answer that you really need to understand what both an assumption and a belief system are.

Let's take the assumption first. When you make an assumption you are taking something for granted. You are thinking and acting as if a thing is true, usually without any supporting evidence. You are just accepting that it is true.This is fine if the source of the information is clear and simple or an absolute authority on the subject in question. For example as children we are supposed to accept without question the words of our elders. Another example would be in martial arts a brand new student is supposed to do what they are told without question and to follow in the footsteps of all those who came before. However, in both martial arts and coming of age, there is a time where you are no longer supposed to blindly accept what you are taught. As a black belt you are supposed to question everything. Why does it work this way? Why don't we do it this way instead? What makes this way better than any other way? As an adult the same thing is supposed to happen. Instead you are stuck in this rut, of just accepting whatever new piece of data comes along without question. A decade or two of instruction has ingrained this way of being in you. But you need to break out of it. You should question everything, not in a hostile or aggressive way, but in a way that enables you to understand a thing rather than just accepting it as true.

You ARE God pt3

Now let's add a new twist to the abusive relationship story. The woman may not mind so much that she is not being treated right. But what happens when her child, whom she loves more than anything else in this world, becomes the target of her significant other's violence? Suddenly a switch flips in her brain and she goes from being a meek subservient mouse like little woman to an awesomely terrifying, aggressive, rage filled wolverine, willing to kill and or die to protect her young. One way or another, that relationship is over, that very minute.

But what actually happened? She decided that what she was getting out of the relationship was worth the abuse continuing, all the way up until the moment where her child was in imminent danger. At that instant it was no longer worth it to her. And in that instant she took her power back and chose a new destiny. And truth be told she will probably end up in the same kind of relationship again, because people tend to follow the same patterns for most of their life. And as long as the next abusive mate does not threaten her child they will probably not get to meet the wolverine within her.

What if, though, she decides not to let other people abuse her anymore? What if she decides to take back her personal power in all aspects of her life and to control her destiny through every choice she makes and to stop letting life and others in her life make choices for her?  It sounds crazy right? Control your own destiny? How can anyone possibly do that? Well let's take a look.

Some things are easier to control than others. However, I say that each specific facet of your life can be controlled. Though you will probably decide it is not worth the effort in some cases. And taking control of some aspects makes it difficult to control others.

Suppose you decide that you do not ever want to get hit by a bus. How can you control that? Simple. Move to the fourth floor of an office or apartment building and never leave it for any reason. This will drop your chances from one in thousands to one in probably billions or trillions. But is it feasible to do? Not really, not if you intend to be a normal productive member of society. But it IS possible. Or if you don't want to get a virus on your computer, don't ever connect to a network,don't install any new software, never use external drives and never let anyone else use your computer. Again possible but not feasible.

Also, these things are not exactly what I mean when I say control your destiny. They are a part of it but not the meat of it. I mean control how other people treat you by making them fully aware of what is and is not an acceptable way of treating you. When and if they step over the line, politely but firmly put them back on the other side of it. And if they continually step over the line, warn them first and then if they still persist in mistreating you, cut them off from your life, no matter who they are.

Each and every single person on this planet is a beautiful, amazingly powerful, awesome creature that is worthy of a great and deep respect. But, it is no one's job but your own to stand up and demand that respect. You do not have to be a jerk about it, but if you want people to take you seriously you really do have to be firm about it. It needs to be clear and in no uncertain terms. I can say without an ounce of arrogance or conceit that I am awesome and powerful and that being able to spend a moment in my presence is a gift that I do not share with everyone. If you want to continue to be able to enjoy that gift, you will treat me with proper respect. If you do not, we will part ways. It need not be in anger, no mud slinging has to occur, just parting. And I firmly believe that each and every person on the planet should have this attitude. We are all worth it.