Beyond Good and Evil pt2

So no I don't believe our choices make us good or bad people. But now for the part where I kind of do.

As children we are all blank slates. We start out from nothing with no knowledge of good or bad with no record of past successes or failures. We are filled with love for all people and all things. We have only one desire, one hope, one craving, to be loved back. And this is where most parents screw up.

When we yell at our children, we are voicing our disapproval with them. To them, when we do so, we are holding back our love or making it conditional on their behavior. Unless we are very careful and very specific we may unknowingly cause permanent harm to both their ego and their future lives.

A typical response to not liking something that a child is doing is to say that they are being bad. The problem with this is that even though you may realize that what you mean is the child is taking an action that you do not approve of, what they hear is that they ARE bad. Everyone knows that good people are loved and bad people are not. So when you tell the child that they are being bad, you are both declaring that they are a bad person and that you do not love them.

Now remember the whole blank slate concept? While an adult is free to decide for themselves what they think based on the input from others, a child has no such freedom. When children are young they have no concept of self other than what we give to them. So when we tell them that they are bad we are telling them that we don't love them and that they aren't worth loving.

An adult can just shrug that off. And to some degree, if it is just something that happens once a child may as well. But with repeated instances of the same type of thing, over time, eventually, the child will agree with you, even if it is just subconsciously.

Once that happens that person's whole life has been messed up. Because they see themselves as a bad person not worthy of love they will, without ever consciously thinking about it, make choices that support that theory. They will say and do things that cause other people to agree that they are bad and not worth loving. This leads to such fun things as drug abuse, other criminal activities, depression and suicide.

All that just from yelling at our kids? Should we let them just run rampant and do whatever they want? No that is really not an option either. So? What to do?

Well, as i said earlier you need to be very careful with what you say and how you go about it. Telling your child that they are bad or being bad is not the way. Comparing their actions with someone that is bad is often a better choice. While it may seem the same to you, it is not the same to them.

Explain to them that the action that they are taking is not a good action and that a person that wants to be good would not take that action. Reason it out and give them the choice of whether they want to be like a good person or like a bad person. Remember children are not idiots. They are simply younger less experienced versions of adults. Good, to them means loved. Bad, to them means unloved and unlovable. Most of the time, if  shown proper love and understanding and given the opportunity, they will make the right choice.

So to sum up, our good or bad choices do not make us good or bad people, unless we believe that they do. And that belief is harmful to us because it locks us into the framework of our routines. We are all just making our way through life making the best choices we can, some better than others. Very few people, if any are the maniacally cackling reveling in their badness kind of evil.

It makes for a good story though.

Are you a grown up?

What is an adult? To many different people the question could be answered many different ways. As I am sure you will see, my definition is pretty strict and excludes a lot of people.

According to dictionary.com an adult is a person who "is fully grown or developed or of age".  Saying that a person who is any one of these three things is an adult does not seem right to me. I believe that you must have all three of these things in order to be an adult.

I look at the term fully grown and I think physical development. Developed makes me think of mental development. And age as a metric seems to be a generalized yardstick saying by x point in life a person should have had y number of experiences. Now how about some examples that show why I think you need all three of these traits in order to be considered an adult.

To start with, look at the character played by Tom Hanks in the movie Big. In the beginning he is a child. Something happens and one day he wakes up in the body of a fully grown male of the human race. At first this seems awesome because it lets him have access to many parts of life that a child is not allowed to take part in.

But, if you have seen the movie, I am sure you will agree that although he is a fully grown person he is certainly not an adult. His true self, the one inside the body of the adult, has not developed mentally to the point where he can understand many of the subtle intricacies that lead to knowing what the right and wrong choice in a given situation are. And he is not old enough to have collected enough experiences to have learned by watching the choices of others what the right or wrong thing to do is.

How about age alone as a metric for choosing whether or not a person is an adult? There are several different numbers that are used to decide who is an adult and who is not. For now let's just pick one. Say 18 is the age of adulthood. Some people as they are being raised are extremely worldly and streetwise and know many things about how to survive and get along with others by the time they are in their early teens. Others at 25 or even older have none of this knowledge and experience because they are and have been sheltered by relatives who feel that they are keeping them safe by shielding them from reality. The streetwise teen in their not fully developed body can handle themselves in situations where the "adult" would curl up in a corner and cry or worse yet, not even make it out alive. Is it really fair to call the worldly teen a child but call the sheltered 25 year old an adult?

And last but not least, what about the person that physically has quite a bit of growing to do and is still under the "age" of adult hood but who has a fully developed mind? Persons like the fictional character of "Doogie Hauser", are they adults? Not hardly.

To be an adult a person must be fully grown, have a well developed mind and be old enough to have had enough experiences with life that they can survive in a reasonable manner. For most people this definition would be enough. I add two more things to the definition which will cause the exclusion of a great many people.

I also believe that in order for a person to be an adult, they must be able to differentiate between what they want to do in a given situation and what is right to do in that situation. And, most of the time, they must be mature and responsible enough to make the right choice.

You ARE God pt3

Now let's add a new twist to the abusive relationship story. The woman may not mind so much that she is not being treated right. But what happens when her child, whom she loves more than anything else in this world, becomes the target of her significant other's violence? Suddenly a switch flips in her brain and she goes from being a meek subservient mouse like little woman to an awesomely terrifying, aggressive, rage filled wolverine, willing to kill and or die to protect her young. One way or another, that relationship is over, that very minute.

But what actually happened? She decided that what she was getting out of the relationship was worth the abuse continuing, all the way up until the moment where her child was in imminent danger. At that instant it was no longer worth it to her. And in that instant she took her power back and chose a new destiny. And truth be told she will probably end up in the same kind of relationship again, because people tend to follow the same patterns for most of their life. And as long as the next abusive mate does not threaten her child they will probably not get to meet the wolverine within her.

What if, though, she decides not to let other people abuse her anymore? What if she decides to take back her personal power in all aspects of her life and to control her destiny through every choice she makes and to stop letting life and others in her life make choices for her?  It sounds crazy right? Control your own destiny? How can anyone possibly do that? Well let's take a look.

Some things are easier to control than others. However, I say that each specific facet of your life can be controlled. Though you will probably decide it is not worth the effort in some cases. And taking control of some aspects makes it difficult to control others.

Suppose you decide that you do not ever want to get hit by a bus. How can you control that? Simple. Move to the fourth floor of an office or apartment building and never leave it for any reason. This will drop your chances from one in thousands to one in probably billions or trillions. But is it feasible to do? Not really, not if you intend to be a normal productive member of society. But it IS possible. Or if you don't want to get a virus on your computer, don't ever connect to a network,don't install any new software, never use external drives and never let anyone else use your computer. Again possible but not feasible.

Also, these things are not exactly what I mean when I say control your destiny. They are a part of it but not the meat of it. I mean control how other people treat you by making them fully aware of what is and is not an acceptable way of treating you. When and if they step over the line, politely but firmly put them back on the other side of it. And if they continually step over the line, warn them first and then if they still persist in mistreating you, cut them off from your life, no matter who they are.

Each and every single person on this planet is a beautiful, amazingly powerful, awesome creature that is worthy of a great and deep respect. But, it is no one's job but your own to stand up and demand that respect. You do not have to be a jerk about it, but if you want people to take you seriously you really do have to be firm about it. It needs to be clear and in no uncertain terms. I can say without an ounce of arrogance or conceit that I am awesome and powerful and that being able to spend a moment in my presence is a gift that I do not share with everyone. If you want to continue to be able to enjoy that gift, you will treat me with proper respect. If you do not, we will part ways. It need not be in anger, no mud slinging has to occur, just parting. And I firmly believe that each and every person on the planet should have this attitude. We are all worth it.