While growing up, we learn things about the world, things that help shape who and what we are. We have all these different experiences with relationships and environments and based on those experiences we make decisions about what is and is not possible, about what can and cannot be done.
After getting burned a few times by life, our lives begin to fall into a certain pattern. A general routine gets formed and from that point on we pretty much blindly follow the pattern day in and day out for the rest of our lives.
That pattern is called our comfort zone and it is one of the biggest stumbling blocks there is to our growth as a person. It is called our comfort zone, even thought it is not necessarily a place we enjoy being, because it is what we are used to. It is familiar, comfortable. In our comfort zone life still happens and things are somewhat random, just in a way that we have control of.
Our comfort zone includes all of our beliefs, traditions and habits. Once we learn something new and accept it into our way of being, it becomes part of our comfort zone. And sadly once that happens our brains pretty much turn off and we live on auto-pilot. We don't think about that thing anymore. It just is.
The problem with this way of being is, life is dynamic. Things are constantly changing. What was true one minute may not be in another. In order to be as successful as we possibly can, in order to get as much out of life as possible, we need to constantly be testing our boundaries, checking for new ideas and testing to see whether old ones are still valid. There is nothing wrong with tradition or routine. What is wrong is blindly following without making sure that what was true once is true still.
We make snap decisions based on environment and negative reinforcement all the time that are true in that moment or that circumstance but not true overall in life. And it hurts us, in ways that we often do not realize.
For example after a string of relationship rejections we might decide that there is nobody out there looking for someone like us. The truth was that those particular people were not looking for someone like us. But we decide to give up on being in a relationship based on those examples. There are billions of people on this planet. Deciding after ten, a few hundred, or even a few thousand rejections that there is no one out there for us is just stupid.
An experiment was done where a group of college students were assembled in a room. They were told they could leave whenever they liked. Immediately one of them tested the door and found it locked.
A few minutes later loud unpleasant music began to play. This was followed up by the lights flickering on and off intermittently. Then gradually all kinds of horrifying discordant sounds were added.
Several hours later all of the students were still sitting there in the room. After the experiment was over they found out that the door had only been locked for the first five minutes.
The one student had checked the door, found it locked and shared that information with everyone else who from that time on just accepted the "fact" that they were locked in even though it wasn't true.
They all suffered for hours just because of one thing that they made part of their comfort zone.
You might say if you were in that circumstance you would make a different choice, and perhaps you would, but we all make thousands of similar blunders throughout our lifetime.
How can this be avoided though? Get out of your comfort zone. Test the boundaries.Don't accept anything as permanently true. There is no need to be belligerent or mean spirited, but always be inquisitive. Find out why a thing is the way that it is, how long it's been that way and whether or not it has ever been different.
Be open to change. Either because things actually have changed or because new information causes you to find that things you thought were true were not.
Showing posts with label circumstance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label circumstance. Show all posts
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Do not take my word for it.
After over six months of sharing my life lessons with you, it occurs to me to mention something that should have been posted on day one or two. I urge you not to believe a single word that I say. Does that sound insane? Perhaps some explanation is in order.
Most of the posts in this blog are an accumulation of literally thousands of hours of research and experimentation on how to live a happy life. It is the skills and ideas that have taken me from an angst ridden frustrated angry person to one who is happy, enjoys life overall and has a great sense of inner peace. I have looked at hundreds of problems from countless different angles and whittled down the massive numbers of potential solutions until I have found the one or ones that will work the best.
After seeing that my life works for me and that I am happy, many other people take what I say on faith, without testing it. This is foolish and to some degree saddens me. Still confused?
The way that I do the things that I do, work for me. There is no other person on earth that I can ever understand or know as well as I know myself. When I am attempting to solve a problem, generally, I am looking for solutions that work the best, for me. The only person who has all of my past life experiences is me. The only person with my specific mental condition is me. The only person with my memories, thoughts and emotions is me.
Changing a simple variable in an equation usually changes the outcome. Life, not being simple and black and white, throws curve balls into every situation. When it comes to solving real world problems often changing a single variable adds or removes other variables, making the equation an entirely different one, with different options and possibilities to consider.
Just because something is true for me, or works for me, or some other person that has decided to copy that aspect of my life, does not mean it will be true, or will work for you. When I say what I think is best, I am telling you what has worked for me and other people who have attempted it.
It is not in any way my intention to tell you that my solution will work for you. I am merely suggesting that you may want to look at an example that has proven effective in a similar situation. You may want to attempt to follow my way to the letter, or you may want to modify it to fit your specific circumstance.
But do not take what I say on faith. Do not just blindly accept it as true. Realize that it is my experience that causes me to say that one way is better than another. However, I am not perfect in any way. And I have not had every experience possible, not by a long shot. A different experience may show you a better way. Or my way may not fit your situation at all.
If there is an area where I am successful and you are not, there is probably something that I know about that particular thing that you do do not. Though, that does not necessarily mean that what I do in that area will work for you. Feel free to use my knowledge and experience to make finding your own solutions shorter and easier. But test what I say at every opportunity. Look for places where my way works and look for places where it does not.
Find out what works for you and what does not. Implement what does and discard what does not.
Most of the posts in this blog are an accumulation of literally thousands of hours of research and experimentation on how to live a happy life. It is the skills and ideas that have taken me from an angst ridden frustrated angry person to one who is happy, enjoys life overall and has a great sense of inner peace. I have looked at hundreds of problems from countless different angles and whittled down the massive numbers of potential solutions until I have found the one or ones that will work the best.
After seeing that my life works for me and that I am happy, many other people take what I say on faith, without testing it. This is foolish and to some degree saddens me. Still confused?
The way that I do the things that I do, work for me. There is no other person on earth that I can ever understand or know as well as I know myself. When I am attempting to solve a problem, generally, I am looking for solutions that work the best, for me. The only person who has all of my past life experiences is me. The only person with my specific mental condition is me. The only person with my memories, thoughts and emotions is me.
Changing a simple variable in an equation usually changes the outcome. Life, not being simple and black and white, throws curve balls into every situation. When it comes to solving real world problems often changing a single variable adds or removes other variables, making the equation an entirely different one, with different options and possibilities to consider.
Just because something is true for me, or works for me, or some other person that has decided to copy that aspect of my life, does not mean it will be true, or will work for you. When I say what I think is best, I am telling you what has worked for me and other people who have attempted it.
It is not in any way my intention to tell you that my solution will work for you. I am merely suggesting that you may want to look at an example that has proven effective in a similar situation. You may want to attempt to follow my way to the letter, or you may want to modify it to fit your specific circumstance.
But do not take what I say on faith. Do not just blindly accept it as true. Realize that it is my experience that causes me to say that one way is better than another. However, I am not perfect in any way. And I have not had every experience possible, not by a long shot. A different experience may show you a better way. Or my way may not fit your situation at all.
If there is an area where I am successful and you are not, there is probably something that I know about that particular thing that you do do not. Though, that does not necessarily mean that what I do in that area will work for you. Feel free to use my knowledge and experience to make finding your own solutions shorter and easier. But test what I say at every opportunity. Look for places where my way works and look for places where it does not.
Find out what works for you and what does not. Implement what does and discard what does not.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
What is right?
We talk about working together to solve problems. We say that you
should work with others to create win-win situations. But how many right
answers can there possibly be in a given situation? It seems that our
instinct is to say that there is only one right way and the rest of the
ways are wrong.
That is not usually true though. Normally there are literally thousands or more possible options in any given circumstance. We just subconsciously decide that most of them are not "real" options.What makes a potential solution good or bad depends on what criterion and limitations we put on the circumstance.
For example let's say that you decide that you have been doing way too many loads of laundry each week. One way to avoid needing to do so much laundry is simply to not wear clothing two days out of the week. This solution is possible, but probably is not feasible if you need to interact with the rest of the world during those two days. You could also decide to wear each set of clothes twice before washing them. Or perhaps you could donate or throw your clothing away after a single use so that washing it never becomes an issue. Maybe you could put more clothing in each load thus decreasing the overall amount of loads that need doing. All are possible, but for different reasons either fit your needs or do not.The circumstances surrounding the issue will usually assist you in eliminating ideas until you are down to a simple choice of A vs B.
The truth of the matter is there really are a lot of solutions. We just shoot most of them down right away. It is part of our natural decision making process that we eliminate the outlandish crazy ideas, the bad ideas and even some of the reasonably good ideas in favor of what we think the "best" idea is. This in and of itself is not so bad.
When it becomes an issue is when we are not the only person involved in a given circumstance. Often what we think is the best idea is the one that works best for us. Then what the other person thinks is the best idea is the one that works the best for them. We then each campaign for our idea and often do not understand the other person's point of view. At this point an argument normally ensues and any hope of productivity goes out the window.
Preventing this is actually pretty simple. All you need to do is this. Before beginning the process of narrowing down what choices will or won't work and what choices are feasible vs which are just plain silly, each person should voice their concerns about the issue. Then once each person involved understands the concerns of all involved, brainstorming can occur to come up with solutions that adequately handle all the concerns and still manage to solve the problem.
Keep in mind that it helps to be flexible when possible. Others will be more willing to make agreements that are slightly less to their benefit if they see that you are willing to do the same. Sometimes a little bit of compromise in one circumstance will go a long way towards you getting exactly what you want in the next negotiation.
That is not usually true though. Normally there are literally thousands or more possible options in any given circumstance. We just subconsciously decide that most of them are not "real" options.What makes a potential solution good or bad depends on what criterion and limitations we put on the circumstance.
For example let's say that you decide that you have been doing way too many loads of laundry each week. One way to avoid needing to do so much laundry is simply to not wear clothing two days out of the week. This solution is possible, but probably is not feasible if you need to interact with the rest of the world during those two days. You could also decide to wear each set of clothes twice before washing them. Or perhaps you could donate or throw your clothing away after a single use so that washing it never becomes an issue. Maybe you could put more clothing in each load thus decreasing the overall amount of loads that need doing. All are possible, but for different reasons either fit your needs or do not.The circumstances surrounding the issue will usually assist you in eliminating ideas until you are down to a simple choice of A vs B.
The truth of the matter is there really are a lot of solutions. We just shoot most of them down right away. It is part of our natural decision making process that we eliminate the outlandish crazy ideas, the bad ideas and even some of the reasonably good ideas in favor of what we think the "best" idea is. This in and of itself is not so bad.
When it becomes an issue is when we are not the only person involved in a given circumstance. Often what we think is the best idea is the one that works best for us. Then what the other person thinks is the best idea is the one that works the best for them. We then each campaign for our idea and often do not understand the other person's point of view. At this point an argument normally ensues and any hope of productivity goes out the window.
Preventing this is actually pretty simple. All you need to do is this. Before beginning the process of narrowing down what choices will or won't work and what choices are feasible vs which are just plain silly, each person should voice their concerns about the issue. Then once each person involved understands the concerns of all involved, brainstorming can occur to come up with solutions that adequately handle all the concerns and still manage to solve the problem.
Keep in mind that it helps to be flexible when possible. Others will be more willing to make agreements that are slightly less to their benefit if they see that you are willing to do the same. Sometimes a little bit of compromise in one circumstance will go a long way towards you getting exactly what you want in the next negotiation.
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