Are you responsible for what happens in your life? Pt2

A bit more about responsibility in your life. First some easy questions.

Would you agree, if I said, in general, successful people are responsible people and not victims?

Would you agree, if I said, in general, successful people make things happen and things don't often happen to them?

Do you want to be a successful person?

So you want to be a successful person and you see that most successful people are responsible people?

Then you agree that there is value in not being a victim?

Now you don't get to be both in life, you are either a victim or you are not. The choice is, you happen to life or life happens to you.

What we say and how we say it give an indication as to whether we are playing the victim game or not. The victim will say the cop wrote me a ticket. The empowered person will say I got a ticket or better yet I earned a ticket. Both will tell you why. One to complain about it, the other just to describe the event. The first example distances oneself from what happened and makes it about the officer. The second puts the blame squarely where it belongs with the receiver of the ticket.

Do you see yourself as a responsible person?

Would you like to learn to take more control of your life and to be able to better steer events towards turning out more beneficial to you?

The first step to doing that is realizing where you are currently. Out of every ten things that happen in your life, how many do you actually own up to? Out of every ten events in your life how many do you make happen and how many happen to you? On a scale of 1-10, how responsible are you for what goes on in your life? All three questions are worded differently but mean the same thing.

Take a few minutes and rate yourself. Think of your general habits and patterns. Do you find yourself often blaming other people or life in general for things that happen and saying that they happen to you? Does it rain? Or does it rain on you?

If something happens that you realize you could do something about and you choose not to, if it turns out negatively for you, that is an example of you acting like an idiot and not an example of you being a victim.

A one means you are a complete victim, with no control over your life. Everything simply happens to you whether you want it to or not. And a ten means the opposite. You take complete responsibility for everything that happens. You realize that you control what happens by how you respond and by what you choose to participate in and what you do not. A five means you have a fair amount of both in your life.

Alright, so now you have your personal responsibility rating. Now, go ask three other people that know you very well and whose opinions you trust how they would rate your willingness to take responsibility for the things that happen in your life, on a 1-10 scale.

Did those other people rate you about the same as you rated yourself?

And finally an exercise to assist you in taking more control and responsibility for the things that happen in your life.

For the next week, set aside some time at the end of each day before going to sleep, ten to thirty minutes should be enough time. During that time, think of everything that happened during the day, from the moment you woke up until the moment you start this exercise. For each thing that happened, think about and find three things you could have done to make the end result different. Find one thing you could have done to make the result better, one different thing you could have done to get about the same result and one thing you could have done to make the result worse, no matter how good or bad things actually turned out for you.

The purpose of this is to show you that there is always always always something you can do to change the outcome of events. Of course you can't change things that are in the past. But going over what has happened in the past can assist us in coming up with better ways of handling things in the future.

Are you the solution?

My step dad always used to say, you are either part of the problem or you are part of the solution. When I was kid, for some reason I always took that to mean that if you are not actively working to solve a problem then you had no right to complain about whatever it was.  As an adult I see a huge disconnect there and have no idea where I was coming from. I don't recall clearly why he said it all the time. It's possible that he only said it when I was complaining about something.  What he was actually saying is there are two possibilities when it comes to problems, you are either actively solving them, or you are creating them.

I have changed a lot mentally since I was a kid. I know that I used to be a victim of the things my stepdad said and did.  I remember specific thoughts that I used to have about hatred and patricide. But it has been so long since I thought that way that I do not remember my overall mindset.  I can see though how I created a lot of the problems that were in my life then and how I avoid them now. As a kid, it wasn't my job to be the one actively solving problems, that's what parents are for isn't it? Yes and no. It is their job to teach us while we are growing up how to solve problems so that when we become adults we can handle whatever the world throws our way. So many parents nowadays do not really teach their kids any good habits at all, much less how to solve problems.

But think about it. In how many areas of your life are you constantly whining and complaining about something instead of taking positive action to change the things that you do not like? In your job? Your family?Your friendships? Your community?

We as a people, have a tendency to complain to other people about our problems but never really do anything about it. If you don't like the way your government is run the tendency is to not take part and avoid getting involved, which contributes to it staying the same or getting worse. If you want it to be different, make it different. Find other like minded voices in your community and be a stand for change. Or maybe even run for office and take a more direct hand in molding your government the way you think it should be.  If there are things you do not like in your marriage, take action. Talk to your spouse about whatever it is that isn't working for you in a mature responsible way, with no finger pointing or accusations, just a simple summation of the facts. Define what it is that is not working for you and how you would like to see it change. Don't like how things are going at work? Find time to discuss the issues with your boss and see if things can be handled amicably at your job. If not find a new job.

Something to think about. How much time do you spend complaining to your friends about how badly your life sucks? That is what your friends are there for right? They are there so you can complain about how bad you have it? No, not really. They may be willing to listen but I can tell you for sure they are not looking forward to all the depressing things that you are constantly unloading on them.

If you are not actively working to improve your life, other people are not interested in hearing about the parts that you do not like.Don't bitch about what is going on and don't suffer in silence. Change it.

If you are actively working to improve your life, then there is nothing to complain about. Your conversation automatically becomes more motivational and uplifting. You tell people what is going on and what you are doing to make it better and often times that will spark an interest in the listener as they hear something in what you say that may give them an idea about how to improve their own lives.

I used to be part of the problem, but now I am part of the solution.

Reactive Vs Proactive

Welcome to a great new wonderful today.

While thinking through the victim and responsible stances, I noticed that there is one major difference between the two. Victims react. Responsible people proact.

Being proactive is about looking at the situation from different angles and figuring out ahead of time what the likely outcomes are and deciding what you will do in each of those possible circumstances. This way, you are ready for whatever happens. You are ready if things go the way you want them to and you are ready if they do not. And you already know what step to take next.

It may seem more interesting or romantic to not plan anything and to just let things happen as they come. And if you have no responsibilities, family ties, ambitions or goals in life it may work for awhile. But, generally, it eventually leads to sadness(and madness). The problem isn't the fact that you are being random and chaotic. The problem is the reactionary mindset. A proactive person knows that he is responsible for every outcome of every circumstance. The reactive person knows that everyone but him is responsible for every outcome in every circumstance. The problem is that the reactive person is wrong. He is just as responsible for everything that happens, he just chooses to blame others rather than accept the responsibility.

Take a minute and think about it, from the point of view of a boss hiring a new employee. Which person would you rather have working for you? Would you rather have the guy that is always whining and complaining about all the bad things happening to him and never prepared to handle new circumstances and responsibilities? Or would you rather have the guy that owns up to his errors has a kind word to say about everyone else in the office and is always prepared for more no matter how many curves you throw at him?

How about in a relationship? Do you want a partner that always blames everything on you no matter what happens? Wouldn't you rather be with someone that realizes that something went wrong, admits their part in it and suggests a better way of handling things in the future?

Have you noticed the trend? The reactive person places blame and the proactive person accepts responsibility.   Opposites attract right? So a reactive person and a proactive person should be a good match. Not really. Remember the reactive person is a victim. They whine and complain about everything. The other thing is blame and responsibility are not the same thing. The purpose of blame is finger pointing and often name calling.With blame there is no room for growth or change.  It is a completely negative thing. Responsibility is personal ownership of something.  It is empowering and allows for positive change.

Are you proactive or reactive? In your personal life, are you a victim or are you responsible?

Responsibility. What is it?pt2

So the last post was an example of how differently two people can react to the same circumstances.

The victim has no control. He has no idea what is out there or what is coming at him next. all he can do is react. So that's all he does and usually he reacts badly. He knows and really does believe that the world is out to get him. But this really is a ridiculous concept. Imagine the level of conceit that it takes, the massive belief in your own self importance that one must have, in order to believe that everyone else cares enough about you and what you think for them to spend that much time and energy trying to ruin your life. In all honesty strangers generally just don't care enough to even notice you exist much less to put forth any amount of concerted effort to bring you up or down. It just does not happen.

The responsible person though knows that life happens according to a formula. Everything that he says does thinks or doesn't say do or think sets something into motion. All of the things that happen are as a result of these actions or inactions. The responsible person knows that rain doesn't happen to him. Rain just happens. The police officer didn't wake up this morning and decide he was writing the responsible guy a ticket. The police officer didn't even know this guy existed until he started speeding. The responsible guy knows that he is the source of the ticket. He has no reason to blame the officer. The officer is just doing his job. If you don't speed, then you don't get a ticket for speeding. If you don't speed you don't have to sit by the side of the road and wait for the officer to write you a ticket for the speeding that you did.

Now for another example. Let's say that on your way to work today you get into a car accident. While you may not have generated the crash itself, you are responsible for being one of the people involved in the accident. If you had stayed home today, you would not have gotten into a car accident. Okay so what if you had stayed home?  Yay! No accident for you. But, at work, a coworker who has less knowledge than you in  whatever your particular area of expertise is, had to make a judgment call because you were not there. And their judgment call ended up costing the company money instead of making it money. You are just as responsible for the money lost as you would have been for the accident.  You are directly responsible for the actions that you take and the actions that get taken in your absence.

Victims say"well i can't control how long it takes me to get to work in the morning"  The responsible person knows that is just not true. But it does require effort. You can control whether or not you get to work on time, you just need to do your homework first. You can drive to and from the location that you work multiple times to get a good feel for how long of a drive it is. You can do research to determine on average how much delay there will be under various traffic and weather patterns and determine how early to leave based on this information.

The victim is usually whiny, complaining, frustrated and out of control. The responsible person is usually calm, relaxed,happy and in control of their circumstances. Which would you rather be?

Responsibility is about owning up to the fact that you are the author of, the source of and the creator of everything in your life. Even the stuff you do not like. You either create, promote or allow everything that happens you. The simple fact of the matter is that every choice leads to a consequence. And while you may not realize right away which choices lead to which consequences, it is true that if you made a different choice a different consequence would occur.

You can be a victim and let things happen to you. OR you can be responsible and make things happen. It's your choice.

Responsibility. What is it?pt1

When things happen in life there are two ways the events can be processed in your mind. One way is that these things happen to you. The other is that they happen because of you.

The first is called the victim point of view or victim stance. It is the one that most of the world subscribes to. It is the belief that all these things happen to you and that you have no control over any of it. The victim leaves his house for work in the morning and starts cursing because as soon as he gets out the door he realizes that it is raining. All the way to work he is fuming because the rain is making it hard to see so other people are driving slower.  He is worried about being late so he tries to speed to make up for the poor conditions. A police officer sees him speeding, stops him and writes him a ticket. The officer goes on his way and now the victim is frustrated and cursing about how the police officer made him even later to work. Eventually he does get to work and nothing else really goes wrong but he has a terrible day all the same because of how angry he is that the rain and the police officer made him late.

The other point of view is the responsible viewpoint or the responsible stance. The responsible guy checks the weather report the night before and knows that it is likely to be raining on the way to work. He sets his alarm a few minutes earlier to compensate for the delay that the rain will likely cause. About half way to work he realizes that the rain is coming down so hard that he is still going to be late to work. So he also tries a bit of speeding to make up a little extra time. He also ends up with a ticket for his efforts making him even later to work. Unlike the victim though, the responsible guy still has a pretty good day. Why is that?

Well it all has to do with blame. When you ask the victim what happened he'll tell you about how it was just awful. I mean first it was raining on him when he left for work. And he'll say it as if the rain was specifically targeting him. Then he will go on to tell you about how all the other people were making him later by driving slow. And that when he did try something proactive (speeding) he got punished for that too(the ticket). He tried to slip in unnoticed when he got to work. He got caught sneaking in and got reprimanded for that. He will seriously paint this tale about how the whole world was out to get him and that there was nothing he could do about it. He's depressed angry and frustrated about every little detail. The victim blames everyone but himself.

The responsible guy strolls in twenty minutes late to work he's bright and cheerful. His boss asks why he's late and gets a completely different story than the victim gave. Mr. Responsible says "First, I apologize for being late.  I knew it was going to be raining this morning so I left a little early. As it turns out I failed to anticipate just how bad of a delay the rain would cause. I should have left even earlier. I started doing a few miles over the speed limit to attempt to offset the amount that the rain had put me behind and shortly thereafter a police officer showed up to remind me that I was breaking another commitment, by speeding.  The officer stopping me and writing me a ticket in the rain took about twenty additional minutes. I should have just kept pace with the rest of the herd. In the future when I know it is going to be raining during my morning drive, I will leave my house even earlier, to be sure that I am not late for work. " This guys isn't blaming anyone or anything. His boss, seeing his mature responsible attitude does not see the need to write him up or even mention company policy about tardiness. The responsible guy has shown that he knows and understands what is expected of him. He also followed the correct procedure for breaking his commitment to be on time. He acknowledged his lateness and it's cause. He apologized for it and he set a future expectation for similar circumstances.

Come back later for part two of, the victim vs responsible stance.

Commitment pt1

I made a commitment to myself to write something in this blog everyday. Some days the muse is with me and I have no trouble at all coming up with a topic to write about and am filled with things to say. Often this is to the point where I end up making several posts at once to keep you from being ambushed by a veritable wall of text. And other days I simply sit here and stare at this screen with no idea what to do or say. I have since renegotiated that commitment to I will write an average of one post per day. And on the days that I am "ahead", if I decide not to write anything, then I am okay with that.

But what is a commitment? Simply put, it is a promise that something will or will not occur.  The act of saying that you will make sure something happens is a commitment. It is a promise, even if you do not, at any point, actually say the word promise. When you start a new job and your prospective employer tells you that the job starts at eight,  by telling him or her that you want the job, you are committing to showing up no later than eight o'clock .  Every time you stroll in at 8:03 like nothing is wrong you are breaking that commitment. When you get your driver's license you sign your name to a form stating that you agree to follow all the traffic laws. You are making a commitment not to speed, run red lights, or hit other cars.  Every single time you are on the highway and you decide to go ten miles an hour over the speed limit just because that is what everyone else is doing, you are breaking that commitment.  When you say that you will stop an addictive habit such as drinking, doing drugs or smoking, every time you indulge in the habit you are breaking a commitment.

You might say, so what, nobody is getting hurt when I break my commitments. That simply isn't true though.  In the workplace, when someone is late, or worse yet doesn't show at all, others often end up shouldering the increased workload. In a car, you are much more likely to hurt yourself and others when breaking traffic laws than when you are not. You may be careful and even have quick enough reaction timing to keep control of your vehicle when doing something risky or even stupid, but the people around you may not.  The laws aren't there just to govern you. They are there for the safety of everybody.  And with drinking, drugs and smoking, there is always at least one victim, even if it is just you.  The worst thing of all though, is other people notice when you break commitments, even if it is only subconsciously.  If you do it enough, your word will completely lose all value in the eyes of others. Saying one thing and then doing something different is quite often called lying, especially if you had no intention of keeping the commitment in the first place.

Does the thought of your word having no value bother you? Does it hurt to think you are showing the world they should just ignore you because nothing you say has any meaning?

That would drive me crazy. Come back tomorrow for pt2