Have you ever found yourself standing next to a friend or loved one either just before or just after that great big ball in New York makes its way down to the ground? They are going on and on about how this year is going to be their year and making resolution after resolution. Chances are you only listen with half an ear.
Its okay it happens to almost all of us. Or maybe you are the one making the endless streams of commitments. How come so few of us take it seriously?
After all a resolution is supposed to be something that you resolve to do. You are making a statement about how your life is going to change for the better. You are spelling out what needs to occur in order to have a better life and making a promise to make it happen.
No one time is really better than any other to make positive change in your life. It can happen whenever we choose to make it happen. As long as we are alive there really is no beginning and no ending. But, traditionally, it is done at New Year's because the ringing in of the new year is a symbolic beginning. It is easy for us to section off in our mind all of the things that happened before the new year from those things that happen afterwards.
We say that the things that happened before are part of our old life and the things that happen after are part of the new one. At the very beginning of the year we haven't done any of the things that we "aren't supposed to". So , it is easy to say that we won't do them. Or that we will do more of what we should.
But it seems like for most of us this tradition is just something we pay lip service to and do kind of on autopilot. It is as if our conscience (or the part of us that knows what we need to do in order to get the things we really want) is allowed to speak for a brief time at the beginning of the year and then we ignore it for the rest of the year.
Why do we do that? We take one of the best tools that we could ever hope to have for making improvements to our lives and we either ignore it entirely, or we share with friends and family exactly what we need and then proceed to follow the precise course we've been on that is leading us nowhere.
I challenge you to make a different choice.
I challenge you to either consciously accept that you are going to keep on having exactly the same sucky things that you have in your life right now, or decide once and for all that you are going to change things for good.
But, please, for the love of all that is sacred, stop lying to your friends and family about the things that you say you are going to do, when everyone involved knows you have no intention of actually following through.
When a person is truly committed to something, others can hear the conviction in their voice, see their posture and facial expressions and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever it is that person says is going to happen. When was the last time someone someone got any of those things out of your New Year's resolutions?
If your life would be made better by losing twenty pounds, lose twenty pounds. If it would be made better by a new relationship, get a new relationship. If your quality of life would be improved by not smoking, quit smoking.
If you are actually going to make your life better in some way, feel free to make a commitment and share it with others as one of your New Year's resolutions. It is okay if you need assistance in keeping the resolution, but at least be willing to do the work.
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Friday, January 3, 2014
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Are you committed?
There is a difference between being committed to doing a thing and
making a commitment to doing a thing. Do you know what it is?
Making a commitment is simply agreeing to do something. It is a verbal contract between you and another person. You are telling them that a certain thing will occur, usually by a certain point. It is specific and measurable and definitely has the potential to be a powerful tool for mature responsible adults to use in getting things done.
Yet, if you are not committed to this agreement it is worthless and will most likely be broken. Perhaps you just agreed to make the other person happy and you really have no or very little interest in seeing this thing through. Maybe some challenge or obstacle will come up and you will decide that this thing is too hard or not worth the effort. Or you will be too busy or may be you will use the excuse of not feeling well to avoid keeping your word.
Being committed to a thing, on the other hand, is like a thing of beauty. It turns you into an unstoppable force of nature as far as that thing is concerned. When you are fully committed to something, no matter what it is, there is an almost palpable energy about you. There is never any doubt that you will do what it is that you say you will. You know inside yourself that no shit no kidding, no matter what, you will accomplish this goal. Nothing will get in your way. Obstacles and challenges have no chance of stopping or even really slowing you down. And anything that does get in your way you will steam roll right through until success is yours.
A commitment that you are truly committed to becomes a thing that you will accomplish or die trying. It is also the only commitment truly worth making. It is a guarantee. Everything else is just a maybe.
How does one become committed to a a goal rather than just making a commitment to see that goal happen? Just like every other important powerful thing that a person does or can do, it comes down to simply making a choice to do so.
You can agree to take the trash out after dinner or you can commit to it. When you agree, other things might get in your way. You might fall asleep at your chair or you might get caught up in watching the television and forget. When you commit nothing is getting in your way. After dinner you will get up and take out the trash.
You can make a commitment to stop being late to work or you can be committed to being on time from this day forward. If you just make the commitment, you may oversleep or leave later than you are supposed to. If you are committed to being on time you will take whatever steps are necessary to get there on time.
You can promise yourself that you will start taking steps to improve your life or you can actually commit to doing so.
Making a commitment is simply agreeing to do something. It is a verbal contract between you and another person. You are telling them that a certain thing will occur, usually by a certain point. It is specific and measurable and definitely has the potential to be a powerful tool for mature responsible adults to use in getting things done.
Yet, if you are not committed to this agreement it is worthless and will most likely be broken. Perhaps you just agreed to make the other person happy and you really have no or very little interest in seeing this thing through. Maybe some challenge or obstacle will come up and you will decide that this thing is too hard or not worth the effort. Or you will be too busy or may be you will use the excuse of not feeling well to avoid keeping your word.
Being committed to a thing, on the other hand, is like a thing of beauty. It turns you into an unstoppable force of nature as far as that thing is concerned. When you are fully committed to something, no matter what it is, there is an almost palpable energy about you. There is never any doubt that you will do what it is that you say you will. You know inside yourself that no shit no kidding, no matter what, you will accomplish this goal. Nothing will get in your way. Obstacles and challenges have no chance of stopping or even really slowing you down. And anything that does get in your way you will steam roll right through until success is yours.
A commitment that you are truly committed to becomes a thing that you will accomplish or die trying. It is also the only commitment truly worth making. It is a guarantee. Everything else is just a maybe.
How does one become committed to a a goal rather than just making a commitment to see that goal happen? Just like every other important powerful thing that a person does or can do, it comes down to simply making a choice to do so.
You can agree to take the trash out after dinner or you can commit to it. When you agree, other things might get in your way. You might fall asleep at your chair or you might get caught up in watching the television and forget. When you commit nothing is getting in your way. After dinner you will get up and take out the trash.
You can make a commitment to stop being late to work or you can be committed to being on time from this day forward. If you just make the commitment, you may oversleep or leave later than you are supposed to. If you are committed to being on time you will take whatever steps are necessary to get there on time.
You can promise yourself that you will start taking steps to improve your life or you can actually commit to doing so.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The weed that can destroy your dreams
Persistence, hard work, dedication, discipline. These things are all
part of what is necessary to become successful in meeting many of your
long term goals. They could probably in fact be called the pillars upon
which the possibilities of your success rest.
But one simple thing can knock all of these pillars down and destroy your chances of ever achieving your goals. I like to call it procrastination's evil twin. What is this heinous thing with the power to ruin your dreams?
Making exceptions that deviate from the plan once you have committed to a specific goal or course of action. What do I mean by this?
If you have ever gone on a diet for health or weight reasons you should have some idea of where I am going with this. For the first few days your willpower is good and you stick to the plan. But then you start thinking you can cheat just a little bit, after all nobody but you will know and it will just be the one time right? So you eat that candy bar or those extra carbs or whatever it is that you know you are not supposed to.
The thing is, we are creatures of habit. Whatever it is that we have done in the past we tend to rationalize and explain away as okay. Then you decide, if it was okay to cheat on your diet that one time, maybe it would be okay to do maybe two or three times a week. And if that is okay, then you decide to cheat on your diet once a day every day. It's okay though. It is only a little bit. It doesn't count. Soon enough you are back to your original eating habits. The diet disappears entirely.
Or maybe you've lost your job due to issues with tardiness. So you go get another job, and you commit to yourself that you will never be late. And for the first couple of weeks you keep that commitment. You are bound and determined not to lose your job for that reason again.
But then there's that one day that you don't feel so well and you crawl out of bed twenty minutes later than usual. You do what you can to make up the time on your way to work, but you still stroll in a few minutes late. Later on when you think about it, you decide, well, it wasn't the plan but it was okay. You weren't feeling well. You are better now though, so it's not an issue.
Later on you are late a couple of times due to bad driving conditions caused by rainy weather on your way to work. But, that's not your fault is it? (actually it is) . And gradually as time goes on, you make more and more excuses about why it's okay to be late and how it is not a habit. Soon you are in jeopardy of losing this job as well.
How do you prevent this from happening to you?
As far as diet goes, it is insane to expect yourself to keep to a specific routine everyday for the rest of your life. You should plan that into the commitment before you make it. Perhaps, you could include in the plan a free day or two a week where you eat whatever you desire. Then when you feel like you want to cheat, you can reason yourself out of doing so by just agreeing to wait a couple of days until you are free to have what you want. The idea that you do not need to stick strictly to your diet plan and can still be successful is true with nearly every diet. The problem comes with making too many exceptions. And once you make one you will make others. If you include exceptions as part of the rule, you can avoid breaking the rules. Also from a psychological standpoint, knowing that there are set times where you are allowed to deviate from your "plan" often makes the need to do so less strong.
As far as not being late to work, that one is much simpler. Find out what time you need to be to work, how long it typically takes to get there during whatever traffic patterns typically occur when you should be on your way there. Then leave your house one hour earlier than you think you need to in order to be on time. Do this everyday that you work without fail. If traffic is occasionally bad enough to still make you late, you will still likely be to work much earlier than others you work with that do not have this habit.
In general, think through your commitments clearly before making them. Realize where you are likely to want to make exceptions. If possible make them part of the plan. But then once you make the commitment, do not allow yourself to make exceptions, ever, unless it will save a life.
But one simple thing can knock all of these pillars down and destroy your chances of ever achieving your goals. I like to call it procrastination's evil twin. What is this heinous thing with the power to ruin your dreams?
Making exceptions that deviate from the plan once you have committed to a specific goal or course of action. What do I mean by this?
If you have ever gone on a diet for health or weight reasons you should have some idea of where I am going with this. For the first few days your willpower is good and you stick to the plan. But then you start thinking you can cheat just a little bit, after all nobody but you will know and it will just be the one time right? So you eat that candy bar or those extra carbs or whatever it is that you know you are not supposed to.
The thing is, we are creatures of habit. Whatever it is that we have done in the past we tend to rationalize and explain away as okay. Then you decide, if it was okay to cheat on your diet that one time, maybe it would be okay to do maybe two or three times a week. And if that is okay, then you decide to cheat on your diet once a day every day. It's okay though. It is only a little bit. It doesn't count. Soon enough you are back to your original eating habits. The diet disappears entirely.
Or maybe you've lost your job due to issues with tardiness. So you go get another job, and you commit to yourself that you will never be late. And for the first couple of weeks you keep that commitment. You are bound and determined not to lose your job for that reason again.
But then there's that one day that you don't feel so well and you crawl out of bed twenty minutes later than usual. You do what you can to make up the time on your way to work, but you still stroll in a few minutes late. Later on when you think about it, you decide, well, it wasn't the plan but it was okay. You weren't feeling well. You are better now though, so it's not an issue.
Later on you are late a couple of times due to bad driving conditions caused by rainy weather on your way to work. But, that's not your fault is it? (actually it is) . And gradually as time goes on, you make more and more excuses about why it's okay to be late and how it is not a habit. Soon you are in jeopardy of losing this job as well.
How do you prevent this from happening to you?
As far as diet goes, it is insane to expect yourself to keep to a specific routine everyday for the rest of your life. You should plan that into the commitment before you make it. Perhaps, you could include in the plan a free day or two a week where you eat whatever you desire. Then when you feel like you want to cheat, you can reason yourself out of doing so by just agreeing to wait a couple of days until you are free to have what you want. The idea that you do not need to stick strictly to your diet plan and can still be successful is true with nearly every diet. The problem comes with making too many exceptions. And once you make one you will make others. If you include exceptions as part of the rule, you can avoid breaking the rules. Also from a psychological standpoint, knowing that there are set times where you are allowed to deviate from your "plan" often makes the need to do so less strong.
As far as not being late to work, that one is much simpler. Find out what time you need to be to work, how long it typically takes to get there during whatever traffic patterns typically occur when you should be on your way there. Then leave your house one hour earlier than you think you need to in order to be on time. Do this everyday that you work without fail. If traffic is occasionally bad enough to still make you late, you will still likely be to work much earlier than others you work with that do not have this habit.
In general, think through your commitments clearly before making them. Realize where you are likely to want to make exceptions. If possible make them part of the plan. But then once you make the commitment, do not allow yourself to make exceptions, ever, unless it will save a life.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Responsibility. What is it?pt1
When things happen in life there are two ways the events can be
processed in your mind. One way is that these things happen to you. The
other is that they happen because of you.
The first is called the victim point of view or victim stance. It is the one that most of the world subscribes to. It is the belief that all these things happen to you and that you have no control over any of it. The victim leaves his house for work in the morning and starts cursing because as soon as he gets out the door he realizes that it is raining. All the way to work he is fuming because the rain is making it hard to see so other people are driving slower. He is worried about being late so he tries to speed to make up for the poor conditions. A police officer sees him speeding, stops him and writes him a ticket. The officer goes on his way and now the victim is frustrated and cursing about how the police officer made him even later to work. Eventually he does get to work and nothing else really goes wrong but he has a terrible day all the same because of how angry he is that the rain and the police officer made him late.
The other point of view is the responsible viewpoint or the responsible stance. The responsible guy checks the weather report the night before and knows that it is likely to be raining on the way to work. He sets his alarm a few minutes earlier to compensate for the delay that the rain will likely cause. About half way to work he realizes that the rain is coming down so hard that he is still going to be late to work. So he also tries a bit of speeding to make up a little extra time. He also ends up with a ticket for his efforts making him even later to work. Unlike the victim though, the responsible guy still has a pretty good day. Why is that?
Well it all has to do with blame. When you ask the victim what happened he'll tell you about how it was just awful. I mean first it was raining on him when he left for work. And he'll say it as if the rain was specifically targeting him. Then he will go on to tell you about how all the other people were making him later by driving slow. And that when he did try something proactive (speeding) he got punished for that too(the ticket). He tried to slip in unnoticed when he got to work. He got caught sneaking in and got reprimanded for that. He will seriously paint this tale about how the whole world was out to get him and that there was nothing he could do about it. He's depressed angry and frustrated about every little detail. The victim blames everyone but himself.
The responsible guy strolls in twenty minutes late to work he's bright and cheerful. His boss asks why he's late and gets a completely different story than the victim gave. Mr. Responsible says "First, I apologize for being late. I knew it was going to be raining this morning so I left a little early. As it turns out I failed to anticipate just how bad of a delay the rain would cause. I should have left even earlier. I started doing a few miles over the speed limit to attempt to offset the amount that the rain had put me behind and shortly thereafter a police officer showed up to remind me that I was breaking another commitment, by speeding. The officer stopping me and writing me a ticket in the rain took about twenty additional minutes. I should have just kept pace with the rest of the herd. In the future when I know it is going to be raining during my morning drive, I will leave my house even earlier, to be sure that I am not late for work. " This guys isn't blaming anyone or anything. His boss, seeing his mature responsible attitude does not see the need to write him up or even mention company policy about tardiness. The responsible guy has shown that he knows and understands what is expected of him. He also followed the correct procedure for breaking his commitment to be on time. He acknowledged his lateness and it's cause. He apologized for it and he set a future expectation for similar circumstances.
Come back later for part two of, the victim vs responsible stance.
The first is called the victim point of view or victim stance. It is the one that most of the world subscribes to. It is the belief that all these things happen to you and that you have no control over any of it. The victim leaves his house for work in the morning and starts cursing because as soon as he gets out the door he realizes that it is raining. All the way to work he is fuming because the rain is making it hard to see so other people are driving slower. He is worried about being late so he tries to speed to make up for the poor conditions. A police officer sees him speeding, stops him and writes him a ticket. The officer goes on his way and now the victim is frustrated and cursing about how the police officer made him even later to work. Eventually he does get to work and nothing else really goes wrong but he has a terrible day all the same because of how angry he is that the rain and the police officer made him late.
The other point of view is the responsible viewpoint or the responsible stance. The responsible guy checks the weather report the night before and knows that it is likely to be raining on the way to work. He sets his alarm a few minutes earlier to compensate for the delay that the rain will likely cause. About half way to work he realizes that the rain is coming down so hard that he is still going to be late to work. So he also tries a bit of speeding to make up a little extra time. He also ends up with a ticket for his efforts making him even later to work. Unlike the victim though, the responsible guy still has a pretty good day. Why is that?
Well it all has to do with blame. When you ask the victim what happened he'll tell you about how it was just awful. I mean first it was raining on him when he left for work. And he'll say it as if the rain was specifically targeting him. Then he will go on to tell you about how all the other people were making him later by driving slow. And that when he did try something proactive (speeding) he got punished for that too(the ticket). He tried to slip in unnoticed when he got to work. He got caught sneaking in and got reprimanded for that. He will seriously paint this tale about how the whole world was out to get him and that there was nothing he could do about it. He's depressed angry and frustrated about every little detail. The victim blames everyone but himself.
The responsible guy strolls in twenty minutes late to work he's bright and cheerful. His boss asks why he's late and gets a completely different story than the victim gave. Mr. Responsible says "First, I apologize for being late. I knew it was going to be raining this morning so I left a little early. As it turns out I failed to anticipate just how bad of a delay the rain would cause. I should have left even earlier. I started doing a few miles over the speed limit to attempt to offset the amount that the rain had put me behind and shortly thereafter a police officer showed up to remind me that I was breaking another commitment, by speeding. The officer stopping me and writing me a ticket in the rain took about twenty additional minutes. I should have just kept pace with the rest of the herd. In the future when I know it is going to be raining during my morning drive, I will leave my house even earlier, to be sure that I am not late for work. " This guys isn't blaming anyone or anything. His boss, seeing his mature responsible attitude does not see the need to write him up or even mention company policy about tardiness. The responsible guy has shown that he knows and understands what is expected of him. He also followed the correct procedure for breaking his commitment to be on time. He acknowledged his lateness and it's cause. He apologized for it and he set a future expectation for similar circumstances.
Come back later for part two of, the victim vs responsible stance.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Broken agreements pt2
No matter how hard you try, even when you have just the right amount
of commitments in your life, you can not always keep every agreement you
make. As we have discussed, ignoring commitments that you can not keep
does not work. So what should you do?
There is a basic three step system for handling broken agreements that everyone should follow. It allows for the highest probability of positive energy flow amongst all participants. These steps are simple yet magickal.
First, acknowledge to whomever that you had the agreement with, that it has been broken. This lets others know that you realize that a commitment has gone awry and that you are not planning to try sweeping it under the rug and moving on.
Second, give a sincere and heartfelt apology for having broken the commitment. This does a couple of things. It shows empathy for the feelings that you hurt and contrition for not having kept your word.
Third and most important, set future expectations regarding that commitment. Options for that are recommitting, renegotiating, or perhaps stating that you are no longer planning on keeping that commitment.
Recommitting is stating that the thing you committed to is still important to you and you still intend to see it through.
Renegotiating is stating that something has changed. You might still be willing to see the commitment through to it's conclusion but some part of the agreement is going to have to change for that to be true. Either it is not as important to you now as it was before, or not as important as you thought it was. Or some facet of the world surrounding the agreement has changed to make it seem less important to you. It is at this point that you offer the other person or persons involved the opportunity to work with you in changing the agreement to be more inline with the current vision of things.
If you are not willing to recommit and you or the other parties involved are not willing to renegotiate then the only option left is stating that the commitment will go unfulfilled. This might seem like previously where we discussed ignoring a commitment. But it is not. We are directly confronting the circumstance and clearly stating our intentions. When we do this, the commitment at hand dissolves and the energy that is tied up with it returns to all parties involved.
So to recap. Make commitments in your life in moderation, balancing the pros and cons and look for the places in your life where new commitments will fit in with old ones. Do your best to keep your word. But, when an agreement has been broken do not despair. Simply acknowledge, apologize and set future expectations.
This pattern of behavior will allow others to see you as an honest, reliable, trustworthy and valuable addition to both their business and personal lives. And isn't that how we truly want things to be?
As always thank you for visiting me and see you next time.
There is a basic three step system for handling broken agreements that everyone should follow. It allows for the highest probability of positive energy flow amongst all participants. These steps are simple yet magickal.
First, acknowledge to whomever that you had the agreement with, that it has been broken. This lets others know that you realize that a commitment has gone awry and that you are not planning to try sweeping it under the rug and moving on.
Second, give a sincere and heartfelt apology for having broken the commitment. This does a couple of things. It shows empathy for the feelings that you hurt and contrition for not having kept your word.
Third and most important, set future expectations regarding that commitment. Options for that are recommitting, renegotiating, or perhaps stating that you are no longer planning on keeping that commitment.
Recommitting is stating that the thing you committed to is still important to you and you still intend to see it through.
Renegotiating is stating that something has changed. You might still be willing to see the commitment through to it's conclusion but some part of the agreement is going to have to change for that to be true. Either it is not as important to you now as it was before, or not as important as you thought it was. Or some facet of the world surrounding the agreement has changed to make it seem less important to you. It is at this point that you offer the other person or persons involved the opportunity to work with you in changing the agreement to be more inline with the current vision of things.
If you are not willing to recommit and you or the other parties involved are not willing to renegotiate then the only option left is stating that the commitment will go unfulfilled. This might seem like previously where we discussed ignoring a commitment. But it is not. We are directly confronting the circumstance and clearly stating our intentions. When we do this, the commitment at hand dissolves and the energy that is tied up with it returns to all parties involved.
So to recap. Make commitments in your life in moderation, balancing the pros and cons and look for the places in your life where new commitments will fit in with old ones. Do your best to keep your word. But, when an agreement has been broken do not despair. Simply acknowledge, apologize and set future expectations.
This pattern of behavior will allow others to see you as an honest, reliable, trustworthy and valuable addition to both their business and personal lives. And isn't that how we truly want things to be?
As always thank you for visiting me and see you next time.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Broken agreements pt1
Welcome back for our discussion about broken agreements. What is a
broken agreement? It is a promise, a commitment, that has been made
but not kept. A person's word was given and then broken. What's the big
deal anyways, you can just say sorry and then move on right? Not
exactly. It is more complicated than that.
But first, how do things like this happen? What are the reasons for broken commitments? Sometimes, when people make a commitment, they are saying yes with their lips but no with their minds. They are agreeing to what they are being asked but, so strongly do not want to do what they are being asked, that if they were being honest with themselves, they would know they are not going to see it through. Or they DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are not going to keep it. They are just saying whatever it takes to get the other person off their back. Also, as we discussed before, sometimes people make too many commitments. They do actually want to do everything they said they would, it just simply isn't possible. Another possibility is that the person that made the original commitment may have had a change of heart or circumstance. They may have been committed to making it happen before but no longer feel that way or are no longer capable of making it happen.
Most of the time when agreements are broken, do you know how they are handled? They aren't. That's right. The agreement is simply ignored as if it had never been made. Well that is not entirely true. On the surface it seems like the agreement is being ignored. See when you make a commitment you and whoever else are involved are each tying some of your personal energy into seeing that a thing happens. You tell a friend that you will make sure to bring them something special back from your vacation to Italy because they didn't get to go with you. It is a small thing. But you and your friend both have energy tied to that commitment. If you come back from vacation without that special something that you promised them, your agreement is broken. You realize that you forgot while you were there and you can't change it now, but you feel embarrassed. So you decide not to mention it. Your friend is a little upset that you didn't keep your word, but doesn't want to seem like a nag or someone who is only interested in material possessions. So, they don't say anything either. But that bit of guilt and embarrassment on your part and hurt on their part is now tied to that circumstance. It is part of each of your personal stores of energy that does not come back to you.
When your commitments are fulfilled, the energy that you have tied to it comes back to you and helps you to be prepared to meet future commitments. When you fail to keep your commitments you have less and less personal energy for future commitments. People that do not keep their commitments tend to have lower energy levels. They give it out but do not get it back. So eventually they can't keep up. They are tired all the time, depressed and unmotivated. Take a minute and think about the people in your life. Look for the pattern I am describing. It is not that hard to see, if you know to look.
Due to the ever changing nature of the world around us and all the people we come in contact with, it is virtually impossible to keep every agreement we make. That is just a fact. So, how then do you get that energy back? Ignoring the agreement obviously isn't the answer. The trick is in how you handle an agreement once you have come to the realization that it has been or must be broken.
Tomorrow we will talk about the three basic steps to handling a broken agreement in a mature responsible manner that empowers you and those around you.
But first, how do things like this happen? What are the reasons for broken commitments? Sometimes, when people make a commitment, they are saying yes with their lips but no with their minds. They are agreeing to what they are being asked but, so strongly do not want to do what they are being asked, that if they were being honest with themselves, they would know they are not going to see it through. Or they DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are not going to keep it. They are just saying whatever it takes to get the other person off their back. Also, as we discussed before, sometimes people make too many commitments. They do actually want to do everything they said they would, it just simply isn't possible. Another possibility is that the person that made the original commitment may have had a change of heart or circumstance. They may have been committed to making it happen before but no longer feel that way or are no longer capable of making it happen.
Most of the time when agreements are broken, do you know how they are handled? They aren't. That's right. The agreement is simply ignored as if it had never been made. Well that is not entirely true. On the surface it seems like the agreement is being ignored. See when you make a commitment you and whoever else are involved are each tying some of your personal energy into seeing that a thing happens. You tell a friend that you will make sure to bring them something special back from your vacation to Italy because they didn't get to go with you. It is a small thing. But you and your friend both have energy tied to that commitment. If you come back from vacation without that special something that you promised them, your agreement is broken. You realize that you forgot while you were there and you can't change it now, but you feel embarrassed. So you decide not to mention it. Your friend is a little upset that you didn't keep your word, but doesn't want to seem like a nag or someone who is only interested in material possessions. So, they don't say anything either. But that bit of guilt and embarrassment on your part and hurt on their part is now tied to that circumstance. It is part of each of your personal stores of energy that does not come back to you.
When your commitments are fulfilled, the energy that you have tied to it comes back to you and helps you to be prepared to meet future commitments. When you fail to keep your commitments you have less and less personal energy for future commitments. People that do not keep their commitments tend to have lower energy levels. They give it out but do not get it back. So eventually they can't keep up. They are tired all the time, depressed and unmotivated. Take a minute and think about the people in your life. Look for the pattern I am describing. It is not that hard to see, if you know to look.
Due to the ever changing nature of the world around us and all the people we come in contact with, it is virtually impossible to keep every agreement we make. That is just a fact. So, how then do you get that energy back? Ignoring the agreement obviously isn't the answer. The trick is in how you handle an agreement once you have come to the realization that it has been or must be broken.
Tomorrow we will talk about the three basic steps to handling a broken agreement in a mature responsible manner that empowers you and those around you.
Commitment pt4
Now for the last of the common misuses of commitment, people who
under commit. You do keep the commitments that you make, you just do not
make that many. When you under commit you make some commitments but not
really enough to make your life work the way it should. You are putting
in some effort, but out of a fear of not being able to keep your
commitments you commit probably less than half of the time that you
should. In fact, some people will think you do not make any commitments
because they are never around on the rare occasions when you agree to
something new. Others will see you make some commitments but not the
ones that they ask you to do. Many of them will take it personally,
deciding that other people (and their judgments of you) are more
important than they are. People who under commit are also often
considered unreliable and wishy-washy.
Take some time and think about it. Over committing, under committing, not committing at all. Are you doing any of these things? Have I made too many commitments or not enough? Am I keeping the commitments that I do make? Part of being a mature responsible person is taking the time to reflect on how you handle the situations that come up in your life. Part of being a person that others feel is honest, reliable and trustworthy is by making the right amount of commitments, keeping them whenever possible and saying and doing the right things when you can not keep them or when you can not comfortably make new ones. With commitments moderation really is the key. When someone asks you to commit to something new, you get to reflect on your life and the amount of commitments that you currently have and figure out how much of an additional strain on your life the added commitment will make. If that additional amount is acceptable, you can see yourself following through with it, and you intend to follow through with it then agree. If any of those things are not true, do not agree and explain why.
Communication is very important here. Sometimes one of the reasons that you can not see yourself following through with a new commitment is something that can be handled. The road block may be able to moved out of the way so to speak. What if the reason you don't want to take on anymore is due to a time constraint of another commitment. For example, Let's say your boss comes and asks you to work four extra hours on Fridays but he will pay you time and a half for the whole day. You hesitate to make the commitment to work the additional hours, even though it would be quite a bit more money, because on Friday evenings you babysit for a friend who is taking night classes. Her classes are only for another two weeks and he wants you to work the extra hours for the next six months. Your boss agrees to change your schedule starting three weeks from now and everybody is happy.
Unless the commitment is something you are just flat out not interested in, never say no point blank. You will have much more value to those around you if they realize that you do care about what matters to them and if you are willing to work towards finding an acceptable solution to their problem, whether it directly involves you or not. And quite often this involves negotiation. When the commitment that they are asking of you is something that you are not entirely opposed to but not completely happy with, find a way to change it so that it works for both of you. Use negotiation to fine tune the details of new commitments, to sweeten the deal for you and so that they fit within the bounds of commitments you have already made.
That's it for today about commitments. Next time we will talk about what happens with broken agreements.
Take some time and think about it. Over committing, under committing, not committing at all. Are you doing any of these things? Have I made too many commitments or not enough? Am I keeping the commitments that I do make? Part of being a mature responsible person is taking the time to reflect on how you handle the situations that come up in your life. Part of being a person that others feel is honest, reliable and trustworthy is by making the right amount of commitments, keeping them whenever possible and saying and doing the right things when you can not keep them or when you can not comfortably make new ones. With commitments moderation really is the key. When someone asks you to commit to something new, you get to reflect on your life and the amount of commitments that you currently have and figure out how much of an additional strain on your life the added commitment will make. If that additional amount is acceptable, you can see yourself following through with it, and you intend to follow through with it then agree. If any of those things are not true, do not agree and explain why.
Communication is very important here. Sometimes one of the reasons that you can not see yourself following through with a new commitment is something that can be handled. The road block may be able to moved out of the way so to speak. What if the reason you don't want to take on anymore is due to a time constraint of another commitment. For example, Let's say your boss comes and asks you to work four extra hours on Fridays but he will pay you time and a half for the whole day. You hesitate to make the commitment to work the additional hours, even though it would be quite a bit more money, because on Friday evenings you babysit for a friend who is taking night classes. Her classes are only for another two weeks and he wants you to work the extra hours for the next six months. Your boss agrees to change your schedule starting three weeks from now and everybody is happy.
Unless the commitment is something you are just flat out not interested in, never say no point blank. You will have much more value to those around you if they realize that you do care about what matters to them and if you are willing to work towards finding an acceptable solution to their problem, whether it directly involves you or not. And quite often this involves negotiation. When the commitment that they are asking of you is something that you are not entirely opposed to but not completely happy with, find a way to change it so that it works for both of you. Use negotiation to fine tune the details of new commitments, to sweeten the deal for you and so that they fit within the bounds of commitments you have already made.
That's it for today about commitments. Next time we will talk about what happens with broken agreements.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Commitment pt3
So we are talking about commitments and how people use the way you
handle your commitments to determine their judgement of you and your
overall value to them. It seems logical then, that we discuss what the
most likely possibilities for how you can handle your commitments.
The first thing that comes to mind is that you can commit to whatever anyone asks you to do, even if you have no intention of actually doing it. This is one of the worst possible ways of handling things. It doesn't start out seeming that way though. In the beginning people will think you are awesome because you agree to all kinds of different things that need doing. And they "say man won't it be awesome to have all these things done! " But, then as time passes and people see that your words and your deeds do not meet up, they may start to get angry that you don't do the things that you say you will. Worse yet, if you are consciously, making agreements that you have no intention of keeping you are lying directly to the people that you are making those agreements with. Isn't lying intentionally telling someone something that you know is not true? So this option makes you an unreliable liar.
Then there is the absolute opposite end of the spectrum. You do not want to make commitments that you are not going to keep, so you decide not to make any commitments at all. And at first, this seems like it might be a good idea. I mean at the very least you are not lying about what you are going to do. You just aren't declaring anything. The problem here is that no one can count on you for anything at all. You might be on time, you might not, if you bother to even show up. You might pay your bills, you might not. You might shop, read a new book or watch the neighbor's kids, or you might not. Nobody has any way of knowing what you will or will not do. So you aren't a liar, but you are still unreliable and can't be trusted to do anything without supervision.
Those are the main extremes. Now we start moving towards the center. This next option is done a lot by nice people that are afraid to upset others around them. You can commit to everything that people ask of you, with every intention of keeping all of the commitments that you make. From my experience this is the most common mishandling of commitment. Again, at first, this doesn't seem like a problem because you haven't made that many commitments and things are manageable. You can keep all of your commitments at once. But, as time goes on and people see how good you are at keeping commitments they ask more and more of you. You have value to them as a person and they want more. This makes you feel good so you make more and more commitments with more and more people. That's where the problem comes in, over committing. Regardless of what you do, there is only so much time in a day. You agree to everything that is asked of you and to help make sure things get done you prioritize the commitments and do them from most important to least. What ends up happening, since you have made such an overwhelming amount of commitments, is that you get the big ones done(or mostly done) but there just isn't time for you to do all of them. AND as time goes on, you make even more commitments and a higher and higher percentage of them goes undone. This causes a couple of problems. One, your value to other people plummets because you are unreliable, untrustworthy and some people may start to think you are the liar from the first example. Also all kinds of problems tend to happen within yourself, such as guilt from your word being constantly broken. You may become overwhelmed and even depressed from all the work you have created for yourself. Or, you may develop self worth issues from the constant inability to do what you say.
Join me tomorrow where we will finish up the not so good options and talk about how you should handle your commitments.
The first thing that comes to mind is that you can commit to whatever anyone asks you to do, even if you have no intention of actually doing it. This is one of the worst possible ways of handling things. It doesn't start out seeming that way though. In the beginning people will think you are awesome because you agree to all kinds of different things that need doing. And they "say man won't it be awesome to have all these things done! " But, then as time passes and people see that your words and your deeds do not meet up, they may start to get angry that you don't do the things that you say you will. Worse yet, if you are consciously, making agreements that you have no intention of keeping you are lying directly to the people that you are making those agreements with. Isn't lying intentionally telling someone something that you know is not true? So this option makes you an unreliable liar.
Then there is the absolute opposite end of the spectrum. You do not want to make commitments that you are not going to keep, so you decide not to make any commitments at all. And at first, this seems like it might be a good idea. I mean at the very least you are not lying about what you are going to do. You just aren't declaring anything. The problem here is that no one can count on you for anything at all. You might be on time, you might not, if you bother to even show up. You might pay your bills, you might not. You might shop, read a new book or watch the neighbor's kids, or you might not. Nobody has any way of knowing what you will or will not do. So you aren't a liar, but you are still unreliable and can't be trusted to do anything without supervision.
Those are the main extremes. Now we start moving towards the center. This next option is done a lot by nice people that are afraid to upset others around them. You can commit to everything that people ask of you, with every intention of keeping all of the commitments that you make. From my experience this is the most common mishandling of commitment. Again, at first, this doesn't seem like a problem because you haven't made that many commitments and things are manageable. You can keep all of your commitments at once. But, as time goes on and people see how good you are at keeping commitments they ask more and more of you. You have value to them as a person and they want more. This makes you feel good so you make more and more commitments with more and more people. That's where the problem comes in, over committing. Regardless of what you do, there is only so much time in a day. You agree to everything that is asked of you and to help make sure things get done you prioritize the commitments and do them from most important to least. What ends up happening, since you have made such an overwhelming amount of commitments, is that you get the big ones done(or mostly done) but there just isn't time for you to do all of them. AND as time goes on, you make even more commitments and a higher and higher percentage of them goes undone. This causes a couple of problems. One, your value to other people plummets because you are unreliable, untrustworthy and some people may start to think you are the liar from the first example. Also all kinds of problems tend to happen within yourself, such as guilt from your word being constantly broken. You may become overwhelmed and even depressed from all the work you have created for yourself. Or, you may develop self worth issues from the constant inability to do what you say.
Join me tomorrow where we will finish up the not so good options and talk about how you should handle your commitments.
Commitment pt2
We say things like: my word is my bond or my word is my honor and
without it I am nothing. While it is true that your word is an extreme
source of power it is more accurate to say that the value others place
on your word is what matters.
Does that not make sense to you? Well, think about it for a minute. Let's say you are an employer looking for someone who can speak English, French and Spanish and can fluently translate from one to the other for the purposes of writing up technical documents. When asked about my ability to do the job, I am free to say that my skin is made of tadpoles, I had four trillion chickens for breakfast, I am only one second old and I am fluent in three different languages. If I share all four of those different claims in the same sentence(especially in that order), you are not likely to believe any of them, even though at least one of them may be absolutely true. If it is important to me that you believe the things that I am saying, what I say needs to not stretch the bounds of credulity, unless I can back up my verbiage with proof.
In this example, you are not going to hire me because you place no value on my word and my word is all you have to rely on. A person's word alone is often what gets them in the door when starting a new relationship, be it business or personal. Let's back up and say that during the interview, I don't say a bunch of "crazy stuff" when asked about my qualifications. I let you know that I speak Spanish, English and French and enjoy translating from one to another on a somewhat regular basis just to keep in practice. You give me a short quiz which I of course totally ace and voila! I am hired.
As time goes on though you start to compare my words to my actions and you judge for yourself how good my word is, what it's value is and whether or not you can really trust me. Many of these judgements are done solely on the basis of how I handle my commitments. You decide whether or not I want to keep my job based on how frequently I show up on time. You decide how dependable I am based on how often I call out "sick" . You decide how trustworthy I am based on how often I meet deadlines. My worth as a person and the value of my word, go up and down in your eyes based on these metrics. My word itself eventually has no meaning at all except for how it relates to my actions. If my actions and my words are in harmony my word is good. If they are not in harmony my word is useless.
Commitment really is the marriage of word and deed. It is you giving your word that an action will occur. You are declaring that a thing will be and that you will be making it so. A commitment really is a pretty bold statement and by its very nature invites others to judge you and your word. If you don't want to be judged, wouldn't it be easier to just not commit to anything? Not necessarily.
Tune in next time when we will talk about how commitments or the lack of them is likely to affect you personally.
Does that not make sense to you? Well, think about it for a minute. Let's say you are an employer looking for someone who can speak English, French and Spanish and can fluently translate from one to the other for the purposes of writing up technical documents. When asked about my ability to do the job, I am free to say that my skin is made of tadpoles, I had four trillion chickens for breakfast, I am only one second old and I am fluent in three different languages. If I share all four of those different claims in the same sentence(especially in that order), you are not likely to believe any of them, even though at least one of them may be absolutely true. If it is important to me that you believe the things that I am saying, what I say needs to not stretch the bounds of credulity, unless I can back up my verbiage with proof.
In this example, you are not going to hire me because you place no value on my word and my word is all you have to rely on. A person's word alone is often what gets them in the door when starting a new relationship, be it business or personal. Let's back up and say that during the interview, I don't say a bunch of "crazy stuff" when asked about my qualifications. I let you know that I speak Spanish, English and French and enjoy translating from one to another on a somewhat regular basis just to keep in practice. You give me a short quiz which I of course totally ace and voila! I am hired.
As time goes on though you start to compare my words to my actions and you judge for yourself how good my word is, what it's value is and whether or not you can really trust me. Many of these judgements are done solely on the basis of how I handle my commitments. You decide whether or not I want to keep my job based on how frequently I show up on time. You decide how dependable I am based on how often I call out "sick" . You decide how trustworthy I am based on how often I meet deadlines. My worth as a person and the value of my word, go up and down in your eyes based on these metrics. My word itself eventually has no meaning at all except for how it relates to my actions. If my actions and my words are in harmony my word is good. If they are not in harmony my word is useless.
Commitment really is the marriage of word and deed. It is you giving your word that an action will occur. You are declaring that a thing will be and that you will be making it so. A commitment really is a pretty bold statement and by its very nature invites others to judge you and your word. If you don't want to be judged, wouldn't it be easier to just not commit to anything? Not necessarily.
Tune in next time when we will talk about how commitments or the lack of them is likely to affect you personally.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Commitment pt1
I made a commitment to myself to write something in this blog
everyday. Some days the muse is with me and I have no trouble at all
coming up with a topic to write about and am filled with things to say.
Often this is to the point where I end up making several posts at once
to keep you from being ambushed by a veritable wall of text. And other
days I simply sit here and stare at this screen with no idea what to do
or say. I have since renegotiated that commitment to I will write an
average of one post per day. And on the days that I am "ahead", if I
decide not to write anything, then I am okay with that.
But what is a commitment? Simply put, it is a promise that something will or will not occur. The act of saying that you will make sure something happens is a commitment. It is a promise, even if you do not, at any point, actually say the word promise. When you start a new job and your prospective employer tells you that the job starts at eight, by telling him or her that you want the job, you are committing to showing up no later than eight o'clock . Every time you stroll in at 8:03 like nothing is wrong you are breaking that commitment. When you get your driver's license you sign your name to a form stating that you agree to follow all the traffic laws. You are making a commitment not to speed, run red lights, or hit other cars. Every single time you are on the highway and you decide to go ten miles an hour over the speed limit just because that is what everyone else is doing, you are breaking that commitment. When you say that you will stop an addictive habit such as drinking, doing drugs or smoking, every time you indulge in the habit you are breaking a commitment.
You might say, so what, nobody is getting hurt when I break my commitments. That simply isn't true though. In the workplace, when someone is late, or worse yet doesn't show at all, others often end up shouldering the increased workload. In a car, you are much more likely to hurt yourself and others when breaking traffic laws than when you are not. You may be careful and even have quick enough reaction timing to keep control of your vehicle when doing something risky or even stupid, but the people around you may not. The laws aren't there just to govern you. They are there for the safety of everybody. And with drinking, drugs and smoking, there is always at least one victim, even if it is just you. The worst thing of all though, is other people notice when you break commitments, even if it is only subconsciously. If you do it enough, your word will completely lose all value in the eyes of others. Saying one thing and then doing something different is quite often called lying, especially if you had no intention of keeping the commitment in the first place.
Does the thought of your word having no value bother you? Does it hurt to think you are showing the world they should just ignore you because nothing you say has any meaning?
That would drive me crazy. Come back tomorrow for pt2
But what is a commitment? Simply put, it is a promise that something will or will not occur. The act of saying that you will make sure something happens is a commitment. It is a promise, even if you do not, at any point, actually say the word promise. When you start a new job and your prospective employer tells you that the job starts at eight, by telling him or her that you want the job, you are committing to showing up no later than eight o'clock . Every time you stroll in at 8:03 like nothing is wrong you are breaking that commitment. When you get your driver's license you sign your name to a form stating that you agree to follow all the traffic laws. You are making a commitment not to speed, run red lights, or hit other cars. Every single time you are on the highway and you decide to go ten miles an hour over the speed limit just because that is what everyone else is doing, you are breaking that commitment. When you say that you will stop an addictive habit such as drinking, doing drugs or smoking, every time you indulge in the habit you are breaking a commitment.
You might say, so what, nobody is getting hurt when I break my commitments. That simply isn't true though. In the workplace, when someone is late, or worse yet doesn't show at all, others often end up shouldering the increased workload. In a car, you are much more likely to hurt yourself and others when breaking traffic laws than when you are not. You may be careful and even have quick enough reaction timing to keep control of your vehicle when doing something risky or even stupid, but the people around you may not. The laws aren't there just to govern you. They are there for the safety of everybody. And with drinking, drugs and smoking, there is always at least one victim, even if it is just you. The worst thing of all though, is other people notice when you break commitments, even if it is only subconsciously. If you do it enough, your word will completely lose all value in the eyes of others. Saying one thing and then doing something different is quite often called lying, especially if you had no intention of keeping the commitment in the first place.
Does the thought of your word having no value bother you? Does it hurt to think you are showing the world they should just ignore you because nothing you say has any meaning?
That would drive me crazy. Come back tomorrow for pt2
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