In an episode of the hit show Breaking Bad, the character Jesse, played by Aaron Paul relates a story that happened to him in his wood shop class in high school. In order to pass the class he had to make a small box, like the size of a jewelry box.
Being a lazy, stoner, burnout, Jesse decided to just throw the box together as quick as he can, get the passing grade and then just cut class and get high from that point on. So he makes this crappy little box and turns it in. The teacher takes a look at the box. He doesn't mention how terrible it looks and he doesn't make any derogatory remarks about Jesse's lack of effort. There is no evidence that he is in any way judging the effort at all. He simply looks at Jesse and asks "is that the best you can do?"
Jesse knows that if he says yes, he is off the hook. He may not get an A in the class, but he will get a passing grade. But he also knows that he can do better. He knows that if he put in more time and actually cared about the quality of the work that it could be much much better. So he can't make himself tell the lie.
If the teacher had told Jesse how poor the box was Jesse would have gotten defensive and possibly argumentative. He would have then felt obligated to point out how he had never done something like this before and that it was a good first effort. He would have defended his work tooth and nail even though they both knew it was a shoddy effort. The teacher disarmed all that with that simple question.
Jesse went back and made another box and another, until finally he turned in something truly worthy of the effort involved. It was crafted of a very fine soft wood. He used wooden pegs to hold it together instead of screws. It was sanded and oiled until it gleamed. The final product was a thing of beauty.That never would have happened if the shop teacher had in any way criticized the first box.
The truth of the matter is it doesn't matter what other people think. We always want to believe that we are doing our best at whatever it is that we decide to do. If something happens that causes us to believe that we could have done a better job we feel obligated to do so.
Each person's best is different. And on some days your best will be better than others. No one but you ever truly knows what your best is. So nobody but you is ever worthy to judge whether or not you have done your best.
However, if you always do your best, you will never have any reason to regret anything you do. And no one else will ever have a just reason to be upset with your efforts.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Happy Hellidays :)
One of my roommates, who also happens to be one of my best friends in this world made a somewhat melancholy post in his live journal recently about bonds between people. After some thinking, I decided to post a few words of my own about bonds and family as well. His original post is available by clicking here.
It seems that around this time of year we are all reminded, often subconsciously, of the bonds that most of us have with family. Every year around the holidays, I plan to stay home and eat a big meal, often one which I do most of the work involved in preparing. I would very much like it if my "chosen" family would be here but nearly all of them make plans with blood relatives.
We went out of our way to form strong bonds with one another. But for most, those bonds are easily swept aside by a need to spend time with people they are legally related to. Why don't those people come to our house and have dinner, say a bunch of superficial stuff that they probably don't mean and then go home? Or come over get drunk and say a bunch of mean things that they really do mean and then flee like the hounds of hell are chasing them? That seems to be how most families operate. And why do the young people have to go to the older people's homes? Why can't all of our families come see what this family has built?
My friend says he thinks that the family bond is a way of being a victim or at least of being absolved of the responsibility of whatever happens. Maybe that's why my bond with the people I am actually related to is not that strong and my bond with the people that I chose is stronger. I don't buy into that victim mentality.
Though I can see the perspective. There is likely to be guilt or at the very least excuses either way when multiple people want your company at the same time and they are not inclined to all meet up in the same place. People have to make a choice somehow. So they say well they are my family, I am kinda obligated, you understand right? Actually I don't.
The thing about it is, its a lie. While it is true that you do not get to pick your parents or siblings or any other blood relative, you do get to pick how strong the bond between you is. And it is just a cop out or excuse to say that you want to spend time with one group of people if you go and actually spend your time with another group.
It is true that those with whom we form strong bonds are people that we trust more than others. We relax around them and let down our guard. But when push comes to shove, most people still choose family over the people that have actually shown themselves to be trustworthy. The saying blood is thicker than water is thrown around to say family is always going to win out, that there is no competition.
Well good luck with that. The more blood calls to blood the more ham,turkey and mashed potatoes there will be for us here in our home.
It seems that around this time of year we are all reminded, often subconsciously, of the bonds that most of us have with family. Every year around the holidays, I plan to stay home and eat a big meal, often one which I do most of the work involved in preparing. I would very much like it if my "chosen" family would be here but nearly all of them make plans with blood relatives.
We went out of our way to form strong bonds with one another. But for most, those bonds are easily swept aside by a need to spend time with people they are legally related to. Why don't those people come to our house and have dinner, say a bunch of superficial stuff that they probably don't mean and then go home? Or come over get drunk and say a bunch of mean things that they really do mean and then flee like the hounds of hell are chasing them? That seems to be how most families operate. And why do the young people have to go to the older people's homes? Why can't all of our families come see what this family has built?
My friend says he thinks that the family bond is a way of being a victim or at least of being absolved of the responsibility of whatever happens. Maybe that's why my bond with the people I am actually related to is not that strong and my bond with the people that I chose is stronger. I don't buy into that victim mentality.
Though I can see the perspective. There is likely to be guilt or at the very least excuses either way when multiple people want your company at the same time and they are not inclined to all meet up in the same place. People have to make a choice somehow. So they say well they are my family, I am kinda obligated, you understand right? Actually I don't.
The thing about it is, its a lie. While it is true that you do not get to pick your parents or siblings or any other blood relative, you do get to pick how strong the bond between you is. And it is just a cop out or excuse to say that you want to spend time with one group of people if you go and actually spend your time with another group.
It is true that those with whom we form strong bonds are people that we trust more than others. We relax around them and let down our guard. But when push comes to shove, most people still choose family over the people that have actually shown themselves to be trustworthy. The saying blood is thicker than water is thrown around to say family is always going to win out, that there is no competition.
Well good luck with that. The more blood calls to blood the more ham,turkey and mashed potatoes there will be for us here in our home.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
A war of worlds pt2
After that I walked into my room and calmly shut the door.
A couple of weeks after that he literally surrendered. He told me he had done everything that he could to control me, that he had not been successful and that he was done trying. He said that he had done his best to raise me as well as he could but that from here on out I was on my own. Shortly after that event, I went from family member to boarder, paying rent and coming and going as I chose.
The sad part is that the whole ten year power struggle between us did not need to happen. I knew from day one that he was not going to control me and he knew that I felt that way. But his ego would not accept the possibility of a child out thinking him. He forced himself to believe that eventually some punishment or restriction would get me to do what he wanted.
Neither one of us was in the right. But as a child, I didn't know any better. As an adult he should have. When his military type tactics weren't working he should have looked for a different solution instead of just continuing to apply more of the same. I went head to head because he went head to head.
If he had even once shown a genuine interest in what I thought about a given situation or listened to why I thought that the way I had in mind to do something was better than the way he wanted it done, then there would have been no reason for resistance. I resisted because I was being told I did not have a choice and that was unacceptable to me. There is always a choice. When told I didn't have one I automatically chose the opposite of what he wanted or just decided not to do it at all.
If his manor and demeanor had been friendly rather than antagonistic he could probably have easily manipulated me into doing what he wanted. For example, he could have gone on at length about how he wanted be able to take the whole family to the rodeo on Saturday, but he wasn't going to be able to do that because Saturday was the only day that he had available to cut and maintain the lawn. However, if I was able to get the lawn work done to his satisfaction by Saturday afternoon then we could all enjoy the rodeo together.
Instead of becoming friends and bonding as a family should, we became enemies. We wasted a whole decade fighting. And if one of us had not given up, we would probably be fighting still.
Is that how you want your life to be? If not, learn from our example. Do your best to see things from the other person's perspective. And once you do, find ways of compromising, so that it is mutually beneficial for the other person to do what it is that you want.
A couple of weeks after that he literally surrendered. He told me he had done everything that he could to control me, that he had not been successful and that he was done trying. He said that he had done his best to raise me as well as he could but that from here on out I was on my own. Shortly after that event, I went from family member to boarder, paying rent and coming and going as I chose.
The sad part is that the whole ten year power struggle between us did not need to happen. I knew from day one that he was not going to control me and he knew that I felt that way. But his ego would not accept the possibility of a child out thinking him. He forced himself to believe that eventually some punishment or restriction would get me to do what he wanted.
Neither one of us was in the right. But as a child, I didn't know any better. As an adult he should have. When his military type tactics weren't working he should have looked for a different solution instead of just continuing to apply more of the same. I went head to head because he went head to head.
If he had even once shown a genuine interest in what I thought about a given situation or listened to why I thought that the way I had in mind to do something was better than the way he wanted it done, then there would have been no reason for resistance. I resisted because I was being told I did not have a choice and that was unacceptable to me. There is always a choice. When told I didn't have one I automatically chose the opposite of what he wanted or just decided not to do it at all.
If his manor and demeanor had been friendly rather than antagonistic he could probably have easily manipulated me into doing what he wanted. For example, he could have gone on at length about how he wanted be able to take the whole family to the rodeo on Saturday, but he wasn't going to be able to do that because Saturday was the only day that he had available to cut and maintain the lawn. However, if I was able to get the lawn work done to his satisfaction by Saturday afternoon then we could all enjoy the rodeo together.
Instead of becoming friends and bonding as a family should, we became enemies. We wasted a whole decade fighting. And if one of us had not given up, we would probably be fighting still.
Is that how you want your life to be? If not, learn from our example. Do your best to see things from the other person's perspective. And once you do, find ways of compromising, so that it is mutually beneficial for the other person to do what it is that you want.
A war of worlds pt1
When I think back to my childhood, I am always reminded of the constant back and forth battles between me and my stepfather. He was always telling me what he wanted done how he wanted it done and telling me that I was going to be doing it. Never once did he ever ask for my opinion. He never worked to compromise with me. There was no offer of reward for doing what he wanted. There was never a carrot and always the stick. It was always yelling and fighting when I failed to do as he wished.
There were always only two ways to get anything done. His way and the wrong way. It never mattered to him if another way took less time, used less resources or produced a more favorable result.
The fact was that I was a child and he was an adult and therefore he automatically knew better and could tell me what to do and expect it to be done. The sad part is, he was wrong, in nearly every instance. A great deal of the time I did not do what he wanted. And even when I did, it was seldom done to his satisfaction.
It took him a little over ten years to give up. In the end I defeated him. We had gone to war and I had won. He had tried physical punishment, grounding me, taking away everything he thought that mattered to me.
Even from a young age I had a strong sense of right and wrong. I knew that he was an adult and legally one of my guardians and that I should have done what he said. But due to his nasty attitude, I just couldn't make myself give in. But because I knew I should be doing what he said I almost never resisted the punishment he doled out.
When he was nearly at the end of his rope, he attempted to ground me from the one thing I actually did care about. Reading. It was when he told me that I was not allowed to read for the next six months that a switch flipped somewhere inside and I no longer gave a damn what he thought or said.
For an instant I was mad, madder than I had ever been in my life. Then that switch flipped and I instantly became calm. Then I just started laughing. I know he had no idea why I was laughing and why I laughed still when he backhanded me in an attempt to regain control of the situation. Make no mistake it hurt, but still I kept laughing.
When I finally calmed down I told him he could explain to my teachers in a month or so that I was suddenly failing all their classes because I wasn't allowed to read.Then I just laughed some more and told him he could do whatever he wanted to me but unless he killed me, he was not keeping me from reading. He could take away any other privilege and I would put up with it, but removing my right to read was not going to happen.
There were always only two ways to get anything done. His way and the wrong way. It never mattered to him if another way took less time, used less resources or produced a more favorable result.
The fact was that I was a child and he was an adult and therefore he automatically knew better and could tell me what to do and expect it to be done. The sad part is, he was wrong, in nearly every instance. A great deal of the time I did not do what he wanted. And even when I did, it was seldom done to his satisfaction.
It took him a little over ten years to give up. In the end I defeated him. We had gone to war and I had won. He had tried physical punishment, grounding me, taking away everything he thought that mattered to me.
Even from a young age I had a strong sense of right and wrong. I knew that he was an adult and legally one of my guardians and that I should have done what he said. But due to his nasty attitude, I just couldn't make myself give in. But because I knew I should be doing what he said I almost never resisted the punishment he doled out.
When he was nearly at the end of his rope, he attempted to ground me from the one thing I actually did care about. Reading. It was when he told me that I was not allowed to read for the next six months that a switch flipped somewhere inside and I no longer gave a damn what he thought or said.
For an instant I was mad, madder than I had ever been in my life. Then that switch flipped and I instantly became calm. Then I just started laughing. I know he had no idea why I was laughing and why I laughed still when he backhanded me in an attempt to regain control of the situation. Make no mistake it hurt, but still I kept laughing.
When I finally calmed down I told him he could explain to my teachers in a month or so that I was suddenly failing all their classes because I wasn't allowed to read.Then I just laughed some more and told him he could do whatever he wanted to me but unless he killed me, he was not keeping me from reading. He could take away any other privilege and I would put up with it, but removing my right to read was not going to happen.
Friday, November 22, 2013
How integral is integrity?
A lot of people when they think of integrity think of knights from stories long ago. Integrity isn't just an antiquated outdated concept. Frequently we hear that integrity is a very important quality to have in an employee, a romantic partner or a friend. But what is it? What is integrity?
According to dictionary.com integrity is adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
Let's say the company you work for makes hi-tech weaponry, under government contract, for the U.S. military. If they just hired any random person off the street, that person might decide to put some more money in their own pocket by selling the blueprints to other countries.
This would be both highly illegal and extremely unethical. In this type of situation it is very important to be able to trust the person that you have working for you. A person who has integrity would not find it within their own abilities to make the traitorous choice. Their moral code would prevent such a thing from even being an option.
Many partners in long term relationships get bored and decide to play the field so to speak. Circumstances may just happen to fall in such a way as to make it easy for them to cheat on their mate. Consistent long hours at work or forced separation due to a job where one or the other is constantly traveling often open the doors to temptation. A person of integrity however, would feel honor bound to not stray.
Often people make complete fools of themselves and ask other people's opinions. Let's say you are wearing a completely ridiculous hat. Or you want to know if a particular dress makes you look fat. Most people will tell you what you want to hear. They will say no that hat looks fine or nah you look great in that dress. But the truth is they will be snickering and laughing at you behind your back.
The old story about the emperor's new clothing is a perfect example of a society without integrity. A person of integrity will tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear.
Come to think of it integrity includes or is directly linked to most of the traits that we find good in other people. Honor, honesty,ethics,loyalty,self control,politeness,reliability, responsibility,maturity, and knowing what is right and what is wrong and deliberately choosing right, even when it is the more difficult of the options available. It is somewhat of the lynchpin that many good traits revolve around. If you surround yourself with people who have integrity you will see many of the those other things will just fall in line all around you.
Think about the people that you know. How many of them would you say have integrity as part their overall character? Now think about which ones do have it and which ones don't. Which are the more positive influences on your life? Which are people that you feel you should spend more time around if you could? And which should you avoid?
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Nothing new under the sun
King Solomon may have been right when he claimed that every thing that could be has already been and that all things from that point forward were just different iterations of things that had already happened. But there sure are a whole lot of bizarre opinions about the way things work in this world. And besides that seems like a rather jaded and cynical view of things. If it has all been done before, what's the point of living?
When I first heard about Scientology as a religion, I took it seriously for all of about 45 seconds. That is until I heard about how it worked and what its practitioners believed. Then I laughed, for a good ten minutes. After all, the person who made it up later admitted that it was a joke. But that didn't make a difference to those that chose to believe
Perhaps, my laughter was a bit harsh, though. My thoughts haven't always lead me to places that made a whole lot of sense either. At one rather dark period of my life I had a very hard time not believing that all women were the same being and that their entire point of existence was to destroy my life and any hopes of happiness.
Once I moved past that place, I toyed with the idea that this life is a test for the soul of a single person. Think about it. The entire universe, every object and being within it, except for you, could be a single living pan-dimensional being. You are then thrown into the mix and given life to see how you will handle it.
What if the biblical time of judgement is at hand, and we are all being tested one soul at a time in a "real" life simulation. That's insane right? But how do you know? What if it isn't?
There are actually people that believe in the flying spaghetti monster as their deity. I am not making that up. Google it.
And due to Episodes 1,2 and 3 and re-releases of the original movies, the Star Wars storyline has become popular enough, are you ready for this one, that in 2001 Jedi was the fourth most populous religion reported on the English census report. Over 390,000 people claimed it was their religion. That's close to 1% of the population at the time. It has since fallen to number 7 with about half that number still making a claim to being Jedi. But still.
Things like that kind of make me wonder about the Crusades. With so much massive diversity amongst the beliefs that people have now as opposed to what they did a thousand years ago, I think Christians,Muslims and Jews could all be on the same side if a new holy war were to break out. They certainly have more in common with each other than Scientology, the Spaghetti Monster and the Jedi.
There may, in fact, be nothing new under the sun. But as time goes on we find more and more creative ways of expressing ourselves and combining old concepts into seemingly new and more wondrous things.
When I first heard about Scientology as a religion, I took it seriously for all of about 45 seconds. That is until I heard about how it worked and what its practitioners believed. Then I laughed, for a good ten minutes. After all, the person who made it up later admitted that it was a joke. But that didn't make a difference to those that chose to believe
Perhaps, my laughter was a bit harsh, though. My thoughts haven't always lead me to places that made a whole lot of sense either. At one rather dark period of my life I had a very hard time not believing that all women were the same being and that their entire point of existence was to destroy my life and any hopes of happiness.
Once I moved past that place, I toyed with the idea that this life is a test for the soul of a single person. Think about it. The entire universe, every object and being within it, except for you, could be a single living pan-dimensional being. You are then thrown into the mix and given life to see how you will handle it.
What if the biblical time of judgement is at hand, and we are all being tested one soul at a time in a "real" life simulation. That's insane right? But how do you know? What if it isn't?
There are actually people that believe in the flying spaghetti monster as their deity. I am not making that up. Google it.
And due to Episodes 1,2 and 3 and re-releases of the original movies, the Star Wars storyline has become popular enough, are you ready for this one, that in 2001 Jedi was the fourth most populous religion reported on the English census report. Over 390,000 people claimed it was their religion. That's close to 1% of the population at the time. It has since fallen to number 7 with about half that number still making a claim to being Jedi. But still.
Things like that kind of make me wonder about the Crusades. With so much massive diversity amongst the beliefs that people have now as opposed to what they did a thousand years ago, I think Christians,Muslims and Jews could all be on the same side if a new holy war were to break out. They certainly have more in common with each other than Scientology, the Spaghetti Monster and the Jedi.
There may, in fact, be nothing new under the sun. But as time goes on we find more and more creative ways of expressing ourselves and combining old concepts into seemingly new and more wondrous things.
Do not judge others by your beliefs in right and wrong
As children, we are blank slates. We have no idea what is right or wrong except what others tell us. It is others that teach us what is okay and what is not. So, to a large degree our beliefs start out as the beliefs and feelings of others. There comes a point though where our minds have developed to a certain degree and we begin deciding for ourselves what we should and should not do. Often we begin to disagree with many of the same people that helped us form our original beliefs in what is right and wrong.
Over time, we find that, we all have our own interpretation of what is right and wrong. And we tend to place different levels of value on people based on whether they are doing what we believe is right or wrong. Heated debates, arguments, fights and even wars break out over such differences in opinion.
Each man or woman believes that he or she is righteous as long as he or she is following their own code of right and wrong to the letter. We condemn those who do not think and act as we believe they should. In our eyes they are bad people or somehow worth less than we are.
But what makes them any better or worse than us? If we are each following our own code of conduct that we fully believe in, each of us is doing what we believe to be right. How can one be condemned for doing what they believe is right?
The other day, I read something that Dr. Martin Luther King once said. He said "I judge people by their own principles - not by my own.” After much thought, I heartily agree that this would be a much better way of dealing with others.
It has often been said that knowing what is right and intentionally choosing what is wrong is what makes an act evil. If we were all to look at people the way Dr. King did, there would be a lot less discord in the world. Most of the fighting that happens is due to people declaring one another to be wrong or doing wrong without us even really understanding the other person's point of view. We just decide that because it is different from what we believe that it must be wrong.
What we should be doing is opening a dialogue and asking questions until we fully understand the other person's point of view. Why do they think certain things are acceptable? What does the whole picture look like? Often it is what is just around the bend that allows us to reach full understanding of a situation, but we cut others off before they can reveal what is just around the corner.
Then once we understand the other person's point of view and realize that they are in fact saying and doing what they believe is right, we can compare our two belief structures and look for areas where they are similar. Perhaps we can minimize the differences so that they are not so abrasive to one another. Perhaps one or the other may have a change of heart once they fully see things from the other person's point of view. Or maybe one may discover that they held a belief due to a false premise that suddenly becomes more obvious when fairly viewed by an outside party.
If God waits until man is dead to judge him, then truly no man has the right to judge any other. But if we are going to do it anyways, shouldn't we judge a man by his beliefs and not our own?
Over time, we find that, we all have our own interpretation of what is right and wrong. And we tend to place different levels of value on people based on whether they are doing what we believe is right or wrong. Heated debates, arguments, fights and even wars break out over such differences in opinion.
Each man or woman believes that he or she is righteous as long as he or she is following their own code of right and wrong to the letter. We condemn those who do not think and act as we believe they should. In our eyes they are bad people or somehow worth less than we are.
But what makes them any better or worse than us? If we are each following our own code of conduct that we fully believe in, each of us is doing what we believe to be right. How can one be condemned for doing what they believe is right?
The other day, I read something that Dr. Martin Luther King once said. He said "I judge people by their own principles - not by my own.” After much thought, I heartily agree that this would be a much better way of dealing with others.
It has often been said that knowing what is right and intentionally choosing what is wrong is what makes an act evil. If we were all to look at people the way Dr. King did, there would be a lot less discord in the world. Most of the fighting that happens is due to people declaring one another to be wrong or doing wrong without us even really understanding the other person's point of view. We just decide that because it is different from what we believe that it must be wrong.
What we should be doing is opening a dialogue and asking questions until we fully understand the other person's point of view. Why do they think certain things are acceptable? What does the whole picture look like? Often it is what is just around the bend that allows us to reach full understanding of a situation, but we cut others off before they can reveal what is just around the corner.
Then once we understand the other person's point of view and realize that they are in fact saying and doing what they believe is right, we can compare our two belief structures and look for areas where they are similar. Perhaps we can minimize the differences so that they are not so abrasive to one another. Perhaps one or the other may have a change of heart once they fully see things from the other person's point of view. Or maybe one may discover that they held a belief due to a false premise that suddenly becomes more obvious when fairly viewed by an outside party.
If God waits until man is dead to judge him, then truly no man has the right to judge any other. But if we are going to do it anyways, shouldn't we judge a man by his beliefs and not our own?
Monday, November 18, 2013
Glad you do not agree
Do you ever get frustrated when someone doesn't share your point of view? You think to yourself, if only everyone thought like I do, life would be so much easier.
What if everything was hot, but there was no such thing as cold? What if there was only light and no darkness? What if all evil everywhere just disappeared?
Without their opposites, all of these things would lose most of their meaning. One would probably not appreciate hot chocolate as much if there were no cold days on which to drink it. With only light and no darkness, there could be no shadows. Things such as fireworks that are done after the sun goes down would lose much of their splendor. We would never see the stars at night. If evil disappeared those who are good would have to oppose neutrality instead. It would certainly throw many religions into chaos.
And if everyone had the same point of view life would be lackluster and bland. There would be no need to ever explain things to anyone else. We would all dress the same way, eat the same foods think the same things. Advertising would become irrelevant and every business that did not exactly match our ONE opinion would fail. For all intents and purposes we would be clones, living in different bodies.
Our lives need contrast. In order to appreciate beautiful things we need ugliness in our lives as well. To fully appreciate wealth, we need to experience poverty. To better enjoy foods that we do like, there need to be foods that we do not.
While watching a movie the other day I heard an example that I really like. I don't remember what movie it was, but a man was describing an organization that he was part of. And the way they had things set up, if nine out of their group of ten men agreed with one another, it was the tenth man's job to disagree. He was required to fight for the opposite opinion and resist as logically and strongly as he could. He had to do his best to sway as many of the others as possible to his view point. This way every decision was weighed quite heavily and they only agreed to do things that they felt very strongly about and only after their belief was tested
There is an old saying that goes, when two partners always agree, one is not necessary. That is certainly true on TV isn't it? On shows like America's Got Talent, if all of the judges felt the same way, they wouldn't need three of them. How about talk shows like The View that have multiple people with different opinions. What makes the show interesting is often seeing things from each person's perspective.
Besides, every time there is a difference in point of view, there is potential for growth, for learning something new. In fact, this is the only time when learning, or an increase in knowledge can occur and only if one or both parties are open to the possibility of being wrong.
If you and I both believe mutually exclusive facts about something, one or both of us has to be wrong. The fun part becomes figuring out who gets to be the teacher and who the student.
Perhaps it would be of more use to ask yourself not why the other person does not share your viewpoint, but instead ask why that fact frustrates you.
Is this difference of opinion likely to cause physical harm? Is the frustration a matter of ego or need to be right? Is not sharing the same point of view on this likely to damage your relationship with that person? Do you think they are just disagreeing with you to be contrary?
What if everything was hot, but there was no such thing as cold? What if there was only light and no darkness? What if all evil everywhere just disappeared?
Without their opposites, all of these things would lose most of their meaning. One would probably not appreciate hot chocolate as much if there were no cold days on which to drink it. With only light and no darkness, there could be no shadows. Things such as fireworks that are done after the sun goes down would lose much of their splendor. We would never see the stars at night. If evil disappeared those who are good would have to oppose neutrality instead. It would certainly throw many religions into chaos.
And if everyone had the same point of view life would be lackluster and bland. There would be no need to ever explain things to anyone else. We would all dress the same way, eat the same foods think the same things. Advertising would become irrelevant and every business that did not exactly match our ONE opinion would fail. For all intents and purposes we would be clones, living in different bodies.
Our lives need contrast. In order to appreciate beautiful things we need ugliness in our lives as well. To fully appreciate wealth, we need to experience poverty. To better enjoy foods that we do like, there need to be foods that we do not.
While watching a movie the other day I heard an example that I really like. I don't remember what movie it was, but a man was describing an organization that he was part of. And the way they had things set up, if nine out of their group of ten men agreed with one another, it was the tenth man's job to disagree. He was required to fight for the opposite opinion and resist as logically and strongly as he could. He had to do his best to sway as many of the others as possible to his view point. This way every decision was weighed quite heavily and they only agreed to do things that they felt very strongly about and only after their belief was tested
There is an old saying that goes, when two partners always agree, one is not necessary. That is certainly true on TV isn't it? On shows like America's Got Talent, if all of the judges felt the same way, they wouldn't need three of them. How about talk shows like The View that have multiple people with different opinions. What makes the show interesting is often seeing things from each person's perspective.
Besides, every time there is a difference in point of view, there is potential for growth, for learning something new. In fact, this is the only time when learning, or an increase in knowledge can occur and only if one or both parties are open to the possibility of being wrong.
If you and I both believe mutually exclusive facts about something, one or both of us has to be wrong. The fun part becomes figuring out who gets to be the teacher and who the student.
Perhaps it would be of more use to ask yourself not why the other person does not share your viewpoint, but instead ask why that fact frustrates you.
Is this difference of opinion likely to cause physical harm? Is the frustration a matter of ego or need to be right? Is not sharing the same point of view on this likely to damage your relationship with that person? Do you think they are just disagreeing with you to be contrary?
Friday, November 15, 2013
The power of belief and gratitude
For most of my adult like I have been an avid student of whatever lessons life had to teach. But more recently, I have taken an ever more active stance towards, self empowerment. I spend a part of each day reading and learning from leaders in the field of personal growth.
I am always looking for evidence of the things that I have learned and made a part of my life. An example presented itself recently that I will be sharing here.
In The Science of Getting Rich, by Wallace Wattles, a concept was introduced that says you should be grateful for the things that you are working towards, even before you achieve the results. Have faith that they will come to you and be thankful for them.
To a logical reasoning person that may seem strange, and it should. Faith is not logical. For a time, I had some trouble with this concept. However, I decided to put my thoughts on the matter aside until I had given it a chance. And over time I have seen that having that faith and gratitude made easy many circumstances that had been difficult before. Resistances seemed to melt away and results appeared where none had been before. Doorways which before were closed and locked seemed to open on their own. So I made this way of being a part of my way of being.
It was also stated that you should not get upset at your failures. If you have faith that the things you are working towards will happen and are grateful for them, even before you receive them, any seeming failure will only be temporary and a thing much greater than that which you were working towards will be the eventual result.
Again, I was skeptical of this, but open minded and in the past few months there have been a couple of large examples of this, both involving our home. First, we knew that Bank of America was charging us way too much for lender placed insurance and we wanted to fix that. But when we called our own insurance company there were numerous delays and obstacles preventing us from getting the insurance handled. For months we were getting nowhere. Then this principle of faith and gratitude was applied and headway began to occur.
Several times though, when it seemed like we might be at the end of the process, something would come up and halt our progress. It seemed almost as though some force were actively working to prevent what we were working towards.
Initially we were expecting to pay about $5,000 per year for our insurance and every cent out of our pocket. After multiple obstacles came up to drag things out over time, what actually ended up happening is we paid $3,500. Also, BOA had recently sold our home to another mortgage company and cancelled our insurance. The escrow had not been adjusted after the sale. So money for insurance was going into it every month but not coming out of it. Due to the exact timing of things there was enough money in the escrow so that we did not have to pay a cent up front.
The second example of this is that we have for a long time also known that BOA was treating us unfairly and unethically. We wanted to find a way to sue them for our home note. We did some research and found that it was possible and even likely that we would win if we sued them.
So, we got a lawyer and began the process. At first things seemed to be going well. Then another lawyer took over our case and it began to look like all the problems we had been having with our insurance were magically being applied to this instead. The new lawyer has been difficult to contact. He almost never has any useful information and just recently told us he does not have any of the dozens of documents that we sent.
Just yesterday, I was talking with one of my roommates and saying how I wasn't going to get upset about this and that things are taking exactly as long as they need to take in order to get the results we want. By moving on with faith and gratitude, accepting and believing in the eventual result we received some good news today.
The first lawyer called us to do a follow up and see how things are going. When she heard that we had paid more than twice the retainer that she had told us he was going to charge and that in the past several months no progress at all has been made, that he has in fact not even started to work on our case, she took our case back. Someone else in her office will be taking it over and not charging us, as her way of compensating for the treatment we have received from the lawyer she advised us to work with.
So,unlike many, I didn't jump on board and just accept this faith and gratitude concept right away. I tested it with an open mind and found it to be true and very powerful. I encourage you to make it a part of your life as well.
I am always looking for evidence of the things that I have learned and made a part of my life. An example presented itself recently that I will be sharing here.
In The Science of Getting Rich, by Wallace Wattles, a concept was introduced that says you should be grateful for the things that you are working towards, even before you achieve the results. Have faith that they will come to you and be thankful for them.
To a logical reasoning person that may seem strange, and it should. Faith is not logical. For a time, I had some trouble with this concept. However, I decided to put my thoughts on the matter aside until I had given it a chance. And over time I have seen that having that faith and gratitude made easy many circumstances that had been difficult before. Resistances seemed to melt away and results appeared where none had been before. Doorways which before were closed and locked seemed to open on their own. So I made this way of being a part of my way of being.
It was also stated that you should not get upset at your failures. If you have faith that the things you are working towards will happen and are grateful for them, even before you receive them, any seeming failure will only be temporary and a thing much greater than that which you were working towards will be the eventual result.
Again, I was skeptical of this, but open minded and in the past few months there have been a couple of large examples of this, both involving our home. First, we knew that Bank of America was charging us way too much for lender placed insurance and we wanted to fix that. But when we called our own insurance company there were numerous delays and obstacles preventing us from getting the insurance handled. For months we were getting nowhere. Then this principle of faith and gratitude was applied and headway began to occur.
Several times though, when it seemed like we might be at the end of the process, something would come up and halt our progress. It seemed almost as though some force were actively working to prevent what we were working towards.
Initially we were expecting to pay about $5,000 per year for our insurance and every cent out of our pocket. After multiple obstacles came up to drag things out over time, what actually ended up happening is we paid $3,500. Also, BOA had recently sold our home to another mortgage company and cancelled our insurance. The escrow had not been adjusted after the sale. So money for insurance was going into it every month but not coming out of it. Due to the exact timing of things there was enough money in the escrow so that we did not have to pay a cent up front.
The second example of this is that we have for a long time also known that BOA was treating us unfairly and unethically. We wanted to find a way to sue them for our home note. We did some research and found that it was possible and even likely that we would win if we sued them.
So, we got a lawyer and began the process. At first things seemed to be going well. Then another lawyer took over our case and it began to look like all the problems we had been having with our insurance were magically being applied to this instead. The new lawyer has been difficult to contact. He almost never has any useful information and just recently told us he does not have any of the dozens of documents that we sent.
Just yesterday, I was talking with one of my roommates and saying how I wasn't going to get upset about this and that things are taking exactly as long as they need to take in order to get the results we want. By moving on with faith and gratitude, accepting and believing in the eventual result we received some good news today.
The first lawyer called us to do a follow up and see how things are going. When she heard that we had paid more than twice the retainer that she had told us he was going to charge and that in the past several months no progress at all has been made, that he has in fact not even started to work on our case, she took our case back. Someone else in her office will be taking it over and not charging us, as her way of compensating for the treatment we have received from the lawyer she advised us to work with.
So,unlike many, I didn't jump on board and just accept this faith and gratitude concept right away. I tested it with an open mind and found it to be true and very powerful. I encourage you to make it a part of your life as well.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Anticipation or Accomplishment ?
You probably realize by now that a decent sized chunk of my life revolves around challenging preconceived notions. Today is certainly no exception.
It is a commonly held belief that, our accomplishments in life are what really matter and that the road traveled is less important than where we end up. But that is simply not true. For one, because there are a lot of unsavory ways of reaching perfectly good goals. And the second and more important point has less to do with morals and more to do with psychology.
When are children happier and more excited about Christmas, the day after Christmas or the day before?
For many of us the whole month of December is filled with the magic of the approaching holiday. The temperatures start to fall. People smile a bit more to one another. There is this inexplicable feeling of mystery and something positive in the air. There are fond thoughts of spending time with our relatives, and other people we never seem to see enough of. The anticipation is tremendous and awesome and drives us to do many great things for those we care about.
But what about December 26th and after? Once it it's all over, that feeling vanishes and people go back to being jerks to one another. Anticipation 1 Accomplishment 0
How about students in school advancing towards a degree?
There's all this talk of what they are going to be and all the energy devoted towards accomplishing that goal. Tons of fun and creativity go into getting the desired degree. But once they have it, what then? The excitement about that particular thing vanishes and a new goal is then made.
What about several hours before vs several hours after a sexual encounter?
Are you noticing a pattern? Anticipation is really where its at. When we are working towards a goal we are inspired. Our imagination and creativity are fully engaged. There is more passion, desire and focus than at any other time in our lives.
What do we have afterwards? Some fond memories, pictures and maybe a plaque upon our wall. Speaking from experience, I can certainly say that, yes it does feel good to be able to look back and remember a thing that I have accomplished, to be able to point to a thing and say I did that. But what I remember most strongly are the things that happened along the way, the challenges that sprang up, the fun that was had brainstorming, while searching for a way around the obstacles. I remember the experiences that were involved in getting to the goal and the time I shared with the people that worked with me to meet those accomplishments.
Our accomplishments themselves pale in comparison to the path we walk to achieve them. They serve as great milestones at varying points in our life and help us to determine what we should work towards next. But the real joys in life are to be found on our way to and not at the finish lines of each race.
It is a commonly held belief that, our accomplishments in life are what really matter and that the road traveled is less important than where we end up. But that is simply not true. For one, because there are a lot of unsavory ways of reaching perfectly good goals. And the second and more important point has less to do with morals and more to do with psychology.
When are children happier and more excited about Christmas, the day after Christmas or the day before?
For many of us the whole month of December is filled with the magic of the approaching holiday. The temperatures start to fall. People smile a bit more to one another. There is this inexplicable feeling of mystery and something positive in the air. There are fond thoughts of spending time with our relatives, and other people we never seem to see enough of. The anticipation is tremendous and awesome and drives us to do many great things for those we care about.
But what about December 26th and after? Once it it's all over, that feeling vanishes and people go back to being jerks to one another. Anticipation 1 Accomplishment 0
How about students in school advancing towards a degree?
There's all this talk of what they are going to be and all the energy devoted towards accomplishing that goal. Tons of fun and creativity go into getting the desired degree. But once they have it, what then? The excitement about that particular thing vanishes and a new goal is then made.
What about several hours before vs several hours after a sexual encounter?
Are you noticing a pattern? Anticipation is really where its at. When we are working towards a goal we are inspired. Our imagination and creativity are fully engaged. There is more passion, desire and focus than at any other time in our lives.
What do we have afterwards? Some fond memories, pictures and maybe a plaque upon our wall. Speaking from experience, I can certainly say that, yes it does feel good to be able to look back and remember a thing that I have accomplished, to be able to point to a thing and say I did that. But what I remember most strongly are the things that happened along the way, the challenges that sprang up, the fun that was had brainstorming, while searching for a way around the obstacles. I remember the experiences that were involved in getting to the goal and the time I shared with the people that worked with me to meet those accomplishments.
Our accomplishments themselves pale in comparison to the path we walk to achieve them. They serve as great milestones at varying points in our life and help us to determine what we should work towards next. But the real joys in life are to be found on our way to and not at the finish lines of each race.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Flattery will get you nowhere
According to William James, who is often called the Father of American psychology, "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated". Now notice the specific terminology used in that quote. He didn't use want, or desire, or would like to be. He said the craving.
A craving is something deep and primal and it doesn't just go away. This particular one will persist even more than most, clawing away at a person until it is sated or until who and what they are is entirely worn away and the craving is all that remains.
Think about your life and the situations that you are unhappy with within it. Think about your job, your marriage or dating life.Think about the people that you place high value on and the people who have little or no value to you.Who in your life sates craving and who does not? Don't most of the people that you value show appreciation for you? And don't most of the ones you don't value hold back from showing that they appreciate you?
If you do not show your appreciation for those around you, if you do nothing to sate that craving in them, why should they do anything at all for you? The simple answer is they shouldn't and they won't.
But how to turn that around? Does that mean, that all you need to do to get what you want from others is to heap mountains of praise upon them and kiss their butts?
Honestly, that may work for some of the lesser intelligent of your peers but it's really not a good solution. No. For there is a difference between a compliment and flattery. Do you know what it is? The difference is sincerity.
Flattery is mere useless drivel that falls from the lips as flat, as insincere and as false as the intentions of the person speaking them. The only person who can ever mistake flattery for true praise is one who is lying to themselves.
On the other hand, real appreciation given in the form of a heartfelt compliment or sincere word of thanks is just as obvious to all. It sates that craving for appreciation like nothing else ever will.
And as I have talked about before, when you do something for someone else they automatically feel obligated to do something for you, even if you never ask anything of them.
If you want your craving for appreciation to be met, show your appreciation for others.
A craving is something deep and primal and it doesn't just go away. This particular one will persist even more than most, clawing away at a person until it is sated or until who and what they are is entirely worn away and the craving is all that remains.
Think about your life and the situations that you are unhappy with within it. Think about your job, your marriage or dating life.Think about the people that you place high value on and the people who have little or no value to you.Who in your life sates craving and who does not? Don't most of the people that you value show appreciation for you? And don't most of the ones you don't value hold back from showing that they appreciate you?
If you do not show your appreciation for those around you, if you do nothing to sate that craving in them, why should they do anything at all for you? The simple answer is they shouldn't and they won't.
But how to turn that around? Does that mean, that all you need to do to get what you want from others is to heap mountains of praise upon them and kiss their butts?
Honestly, that may work for some of the lesser intelligent of your peers but it's really not a good solution. No. For there is a difference between a compliment and flattery. Do you know what it is? The difference is sincerity.
Flattery is mere useless drivel that falls from the lips as flat, as insincere and as false as the intentions of the person speaking them. The only person who can ever mistake flattery for true praise is one who is lying to themselves.
On the other hand, real appreciation given in the form of a heartfelt compliment or sincere word of thanks is just as obvious to all. It sates that craving for appreciation like nothing else ever will.
And as I have talked about before, when you do something for someone else they automatically feel obligated to do something for you, even if you never ask anything of them.
If you want your craving for appreciation to be met, show your appreciation for others.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Hindsight is 20/20
Do you think about the choices that you make and the things that you do? Of course you do, we all do. We want to make the best possible choices that we can. So, we review the facts and weigh our options before making any big decisions. But somehow we still often end up with different results than what we were shooting for. Nobody gets it all right the first time.
Why is that? Sometimes there are options that we don't see when we are putting all of the data together. Or other times people don't act the way we had expected them to. Simply put, we can't possibly know what the best possible option is without knowing every single little detail that could possibly come to play in a given scenario. And since there are so many different variables in every circumstance, that is practically impossible.
Once the moment we are preparing for has passed however, everything is set in stone. It has already happened. Then the choice that we should have made becomes ultra clear. That is the reason for the saying hindsight is 20/20. We can see with perfect clarity of vision exactly what we should have done.
You may say, but what good is that? The moment has passed. And that certainly is true. But we can take the knowledge of that circumstance with us into the future. We can learn from our mistakes. We may not have known what to do in that particular situation, but the results will show what are likely to be the better choices in similar situations in the future.
In the beginning, when we are young, in each individual scenario of our lives, we have no experience. So we just make broad uneducated guesses about what we should do. And in all probability we will fail just as often, if not more often than we succeed.
But over time, using hindsight as a tool, we can and should begin to succeed more and more as we learn to more tightly focus our options. We begin to know with certainty, due to experience, which options are just not going to work and which ones are more likely to.
Each of us does this instinctively, due to an innate desire to fail as little as possible. And some of us are better at it than others. But like any other skill we have, it can be sharpened by repeated intentional use.
My suggestion, challenge, and request of you, is to do more than just instinctively use this tool. I ask that you do it on purpose, daily. Set aside some time. It doesn't really matter when. It can be when you first wake up, during your lunch hour or just before you go to bed. Whenever it is easier for you to take a few minutes, maybe ten at most, and reflect on all the things that have happened in the past twenty four hours.
Think of all the circumstances that you have been in, all the choices that you have made, all the people you have interacted with. Think of the way every event you can think of turned out. Be honest with yourself about your triumphs and your failures. Look at every situation and congratulate yourself on the things that worked. Then ask yourself what things you could have done or said differently in the places and times that you failed.
Make new decisions about how you will handle things in the future based on what you learn from the things that have happened in the last day. Do this every day for two weeks and I guarantee you will see positive results. Make this way of being a habit, a permanent part of your life, and your life will transform for the better. I guarantee it.
Why is that? Sometimes there are options that we don't see when we are putting all of the data together. Or other times people don't act the way we had expected them to. Simply put, we can't possibly know what the best possible option is without knowing every single little detail that could possibly come to play in a given scenario. And since there are so many different variables in every circumstance, that is practically impossible.
Once the moment we are preparing for has passed however, everything is set in stone. It has already happened. Then the choice that we should have made becomes ultra clear. That is the reason for the saying hindsight is 20/20. We can see with perfect clarity of vision exactly what we should have done.
You may say, but what good is that? The moment has passed. And that certainly is true. But we can take the knowledge of that circumstance with us into the future. We can learn from our mistakes. We may not have known what to do in that particular situation, but the results will show what are likely to be the better choices in similar situations in the future.
In the beginning, when we are young, in each individual scenario of our lives, we have no experience. So we just make broad uneducated guesses about what we should do. And in all probability we will fail just as often, if not more often than we succeed.
But over time, using hindsight as a tool, we can and should begin to succeed more and more as we learn to more tightly focus our options. We begin to know with certainty, due to experience, which options are just not going to work and which ones are more likely to.
Each of us does this instinctively, due to an innate desire to fail as little as possible. And some of us are better at it than others. But like any other skill we have, it can be sharpened by repeated intentional use.
My suggestion, challenge, and request of you, is to do more than just instinctively use this tool. I ask that you do it on purpose, daily. Set aside some time. It doesn't really matter when. It can be when you first wake up, during your lunch hour or just before you go to bed. Whenever it is easier for you to take a few minutes, maybe ten at most, and reflect on all the things that have happened in the past twenty four hours.
Think of all the circumstances that you have been in, all the choices that you have made, all the people you have interacted with. Think of the way every event you can think of turned out. Be honest with yourself about your triumphs and your failures. Look at every situation and congratulate yourself on the things that worked. Then ask yourself what things you could have done or said differently in the places and times that you failed.
Make new decisions about how you will handle things in the future based on what you learn from the things that have happened in the last day. Do this every day for two weeks and I guarantee you will see positive results. Make this way of being a habit, a permanent part of your life, and your life will transform for the better. I guarantee it.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Have you achieved perfection?
There is a pattern of behavior that I have noticed among some of the people that I live with. And at first I wasn't sure how to deal with it, so I didn't say anything. I just let it drop.
Here is an example of what I am talking about. A discussion came up about our kitchen. It was mentioned that people have been leaving it in a very messy condition. Nobody wanted to admit that they left a mess but nobody really denied it either. I suggested that others could clean as they go, while cooking, so that when they were finished cooking the kitchen was clean and there was no mess to clean up afterwards.
This has been my personal method for a great number of years. My reasoning for this is because I know that after eating a good meal I don't want to get up and clean. And before I started doing things this way I left more than my fair share of messy kitchens.
The response I got was a general nodding of heads and agreement that it was a good idea. But one of the people who agreed that it was a good idea said "I'm not very good at cleaning as I go" and then meandered off to their room and closed the door, thus ending that part of the conversation. This was not the first time that had happened and was not the only person who has given that response to my suggestion.
So based on this example you can probably see that the pattern is yeah that's a good idea, but I suck at it and then nothing changes. Directly telling people to work on improving the things they are bad at does not work. Much personal experience with repeated failures tells me that this is so.
So what to do? While pondering the nature of change and how we make our choices it occurred to me that we are lucky in that we have the capacity for change. We are not fixed in one way of being with no room for improvement.
What if in response to the that's a good idea but I suck at that conversation, I started talking about machines? I could go on about how it's too bad that a machine, once manufactured, is done. No matter how good or how flawed, it can not change its functions. It can never be any better at what it does than it is at the moment of creation. And in fact over time will only get worse and worse.
But as people, we are truly lucky in that we have the ability to adapt. We can find the things that we like about ourselves and continue doing them. But the things that we do not like, we can change, through time and effort. We can improve as time goes on becoming steadily better and better until we are exactly who and what we want to be.
Then I could ask those around me if they believe that they have achieved perfection. Regardless of whether they say yes or no, the means for fixing the problem at hand becomes readily apparent.
If they say that they believe they are currently their ultimate self, the pinnacle of what they will ever achieve and if I am not satisfied with their opinion of perfection, then I know that I do not want this person to continue to be a part of my daily life.
If on the other hand they admit that their life could do with some changes we can discuss ways in which improvements could be made. I could ask how they prefer the kitchen to be when it is time for them to do their cooking. Most people when given an option choose a clean environment over a dirty one. It could be pointed out if they appreciate walking into a clean orderly kitchen it is only fair to leave it the same way for others and we can then discover what needs to be done to make that happen.
It can be pointed out that just because they have been bad at something in the past, does not mean that they need to continue being bad at it in the future.
That's a good idea but I suck at it, is a much better starting point than an ending point.
Here is an example of what I am talking about. A discussion came up about our kitchen. It was mentioned that people have been leaving it in a very messy condition. Nobody wanted to admit that they left a mess but nobody really denied it either. I suggested that others could clean as they go, while cooking, so that when they were finished cooking the kitchen was clean and there was no mess to clean up afterwards.
This has been my personal method for a great number of years. My reasoning for this is because I know that after eating a good meal I don't want to get up and clean. And before I started doing things this way I left more than my fair share of messy kitchens.
The response I got was a general nodding of heads and agreement that it was a good idea. But one of the people who agreed that it was a good idea said "I'm not very good at cleaning as I go" and then meandered off to their room and closed the door, thus ending that part of the conversation. This was not the first time that had happened and was not the only person who has given that response to my suggestion.
So based on this example you can probably see that the pattern is yeah that's a good idea, but I suck at it and then nothing changes. Directly telling people to work on improving the things they are bad at does not work. Much personal experience with repeated failures tells me that this is so.
So what to do? While pondering the nature of change and how we make our choices it occurred to me that we are lucky in that we have the capacity for change. We are not fixed in one way of being with no room for improvement.
What if in response to the that's a good idea but I suck at that conversation, I started talking about machines? I could go on about how it's too bad that a machine, once manufactured, is done. No matter how good or how flawed, it can not change its functions. It can never be any better at what it does than it is at the moment of creation. And in fact over time will only get worse and worse.
But as people, we are truly lucky in that we have the ability to adapt. We can find the things that we like about ourselves and continue doing them. But the things that we do not like, we can change, through time and effort. We can improve as time goes on becoming steadily better and better until we are exactly who and what we want to be.
Then I could ask those around me if they believe that they have achieved perfection. Regardless of whether they say yes or no, the means for fixing the problem at hand becomes readily apparent.
If they say that they believe they are currently their ultimate self, the pinnacle of what they will ever achieve and if I am not satisfied with their opinion of perfection, then I know that I do not want this person to continue to be a part of my daily life.
If on the other hand they admit that their life could do with some changes we can discuss ways in which improvements could be made. I could ask how they prefer the kitchen to be when it is time for them to do their cooking. Most people when given an option choose a clean environment over a dirty one. It could be pointed out if they appreciate walking into a clean orderly kitchen it is only fair to leave it the same way for others and we can then discover what needs to be done to make that happen.
It can be pointed out that just because they have been bad at something in the past, does not mean that they need to continue being bad at it in the future.
That's a good idea but I suck at it, is a much better starting point than an ending point.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Some thoughts on piracy
Arr... Ye filthy land lubbers best pay heed to what me gots to say or you'll soon be walkin' tha plank.
When you think of the term piracy, talk like the above sentence is most likely the kind of thing that enters your mind. And today's internet "pirates" don't talk that way either. Well most of the ones that have made it as far as second grade don't anyways.
What interests me however, is to know who came up with the idea of calling the exchange of licensed media over the web piracy. Despite what may or may not have actually happened historically, the idea of a pirate has been romanticized in fiction and the media to the point where pirates are seen kind of like Robin Hood. They steal from the rich and give to the poor.
The concept has become such that pirates are the rebels fighting against a corrupt establishment and freeing people,goods and information. They are made out to be the heroes. They defend the rights of the little guy by sticking it to the man. If you think people don't like rebels, remember who the good guys are in Star Wars.
How on Earth do the corporations think they stand a chance of smearing the names of such people and making them look bad? They take greedy, often childish, wealthy entertainers and try to make them look like the victims. It is ridiculous.
Is there any truth to the rumor that internet piracy is ruining the chances for today's entertainers? Not a chance. The people that are popular enough to get their content pirated are never in any danger of starving. And studies have been done that prove in fact that pirated content leads to an increase in sales for the actual media owner.
Due to piracy are people hearing content that they did not pay for? Yes, but the same thing occurs when a song is played on the radio. Someone directly paid for it, but it wasn't the person listening. And no matter how many people are listening the same amount is paid for that one radio play of the song.
How is my downloading a copy of it any different? Do I openly admit to having done such a thing? Of course I do. Nearly every person in this country is guilty of some form of digital piracy. And denying it is ridiculous.
As long as it is cheaper and easier to get content illegally than it is to do so legally piracy will exist, no matter how hard the "establishment" fights to prevent it and no matter how hard they strive to punish people for it.
But there are things that content creators can do to limit the amount that their particular content is pirated. There is a publishing company that gives away free copies of books on its website. They have found that by giving people access to something for free, it helps increase their sales. The company appears to be friendly to it's customers and as a result their customers are more likely to open up their wallets.
And one internet personality that I know of releases multiple "flawed" copies of his work for download on the same day that his new material comes out. The flawed copies at a quick glance seem to be the same content. They are the same length and size. But say ten minutes into a video it will suddenly be static or the audio may be turn to gibberish. Paying customers get the good stuff. And people attempting to avoid buying it have to go through dozens of different torrents to find one that is not flawed.
While it would cause an enormous public outcry, if I were an entertainer making millions of dollars a year and was worried about my content being "stolen" by the common man, I would not sue every person that illegally downloaded my music or videos. No siree. Instead, I would hire a programmer to write a data destroying virus to wipe the hard drives of the people downloading my content illegally and I would personally upload it to all of the torrent sites and other places that people uploaded my media illegally.
Not that that could ever really be an issue. As long as I was making enough money to get by I would never fault another for getting something from me for nothing or for turning a profit from my work. If some other guy comes along and finds some way to make a buck off of my efforts, kudos to him for coming up with something that I failed to.
Anyways, if we make piracy more difficult or more expensive than not pirating it will disappear. Otherwise it will continue forever.
When you think of the term piracy, talk like the above sentence is most likely the kind of thing that enters your mind. And today's internet "pirates" don't talk that way either. Well most of the ones that have made it as far as second grade don't anyways.
What interests me however, is to know who came up with the idea of calling the exchange of licensed media over the web piracy. Despite what may or may not have actually happened historically, the idea of a pirate has been romanticized in fiction and the media to the point where pirates are seen kind of like Robin Hood. They steal from the rich and give to the poor.
The concept has become such that pirates are the rebels fighting against a corrupt establishment and freeing people,goods and information. They are made out to be the heroes. They defend the rights of the little guy by sticking it to the man. If you think people don't like rebels, remember who the good guys are in Star Wars.
How on Earth do the corporations think they stand a chance of smearing the names of such people and making them look bad? They take greedy, often childish, wealthy entertainers and try to make them look like the victims. It is ridiculous.
Is there any truth to the rumor that internet piracy is ruining the chances for today's entertainers? Not a chance. The people that are popular enough to get their content pirated are never in any danger of starving. And studies have been done that prove in fact that pirated content leads to an increase in sales for the actual media owner.
Due to piracy are people hearing content that they did not pay for? Yes, but the same thing occurs when a song is played on the radio. Someone directly paid for it, but it wasn't the person listening. And no matter how many people are listening the same amount is paid for that one radio play of the song.
How is my downloading a copy of it any different? Do I openly admit to having done such a thing? Of course I do. Nearly every person in this country is guilty of some form of digital piracy. And denying it is ridiculous.
As long as it is cheaper and easier to get content illegally than it is to do so legally piracy will exist, no matter how hard the "establishment" fights to prevent it and no matter how hard they strive to punish people for it.
But there are things that content creators can do to limit the amount that their particular content is pirated. There is a publishing company that gives away free copies of books on its website. They have found that by giving people access to something for free, it helps increase their sales. The company appears to be friendly to it's customers and as a result their customers are more likely to open up their wallets.
And one internet personality that I know of releases multiple "flawed" copies of his work for download on the same day that his new material comes out. The flawed copies at a quick glance seem to be the same content. They are the same length and size. But say ten minutes into a video it will suddenly be static or the audio may be turn to gibberish. Paying customers get the good stuff. And people attempting to avoid buying it have to go through dozens of different torrents to find one that is not flawed.
While it would cause an enormous public outcry, if I were an entertainer making millions of dollars a year and was worried about my content being "stolen" by the common man, I would not sue every person that illegally downloaded my music or videos. No siree. Instead, I would hire a programmer to write a data destroying virus to wipe the hard drives of the people downloading my content illegally and I would personally upload it to all of the torrent sites and other places that people uploaded my media illegally.
Not that that could ever really be an issue. As long as I was making enough money to get by I would never fault another for getting something from me for nothing or for turning a profit from my work. If some other guy comes along and finds some way to make a buck off of my efforts, kudos to him for coming up with something that I failed to.
Anyways, if we make piracy more difficult or more expensive than not pirating it will disappear. Otherwise it will continue forever.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Ownership pt3
The Bible says that woman is supposed to be a helper to man. It implies that he is the leader and she the follower. But it does not say she is his slave. It does not say he is better than her. And in fact a great leader is also a servant to those he leads.
Out of jealousy and fear of loss a man will say my wife cannot do this or that or see so and so.When a man tells a woman what she is and is not allowed to do he is being ridiculous. She was born just as free as he was. She can make whatever choices she wants.She is only with him because she chooses to be and she could choose not to be at any time.Here is a woman who despite all his faults has chosen to be with this man.
If she truly loves him, she will not do anything to cause him harm. And if she does they are better off not together. Being jealous simply tells one that they do not trust the other and in fact pushes that other further away. It hurts them and makes them more likely to do the very thing that you fear.
None of us are slaves. We are all born free and remain free every moment of our lives. You do not own anyone or anything, not now, nor will you ever. And no amount of posturing, blustering, bribing or wheedling can ever change that.
Realize and accept that all of the people that are in your daily life are not really yours. They are each their own. You just happen to be traveling in the same direction together. Every moment that they spend with you is a privilege that can be revoked at anytime by you acting like a jerk and smothering them. There is something about you that they like otherwise they would not stay.
If you want to keep the relationships that you do have, focus on finding out what it is that they like and increasing it or decreasing the opposites. Show that you appreciate the fact that they choose to be with you. And unless you are doing it to in some way defend them, never ever stake a claim to a person as belonging to you. To people who don't know better you look like a control freak. To people who do, you look like a control freak and an idiot. The former will simply leave. The latter will leave and laugh at you.
Out of jealousy and fear of loss a man will say my wife cannot do this or that or see so and so.When a man tells a woman what she is and is not allowed to do he is being ridiculous. She was born just as free as he was. She can make whatever choices she wants.She is only with him because she chooses to be and she could choose not to be at any time.Here is a woman who despite all his faults has chosen to be with this man.
If she truly loves him, she will not do anything to cause him harm. And if she does they are better off not together. Being jealous simply tells one that they do not trust the other and in fact pushes that other further away. It hurts them and makes them more likely to do the very thing that you fear.
None of us are slaves. We are all born free and remain free every moment of our lives. You do not own anyone or anything, not now, nor will you ever. And no amount of posturing, blustering, bribing or wheedling can ever change that.
Realize and accept that all of the people that are in your daily life are not really yours. They are each their own. You just happen to be traveling in the same direction together. Every moment that they spend with you is a privilege that can be revoked at anytime by you acting like a jerk and smothering them. There is something about you that they like otherwise they would not stay.
If you want to keep the relationships that you do have, focus on finding out what it is that they like and increasing it or decreasing the opposites. Show that you appreciate the fact that they choose to be with you. And unless you are doing it to in some way defend them, never ever stake a claim to a person as belonging to you. To people who don't know better you look like a control freak. To people who do, you look like a control freak and an idiot. The former will simply leave. The latter will leave and laugh at you.
Ownership pt2
Yesterday's talk about ownership was just the tip of the iceberg. That talk was about things. This one is much more controversial because it is about people.
Think for just a moment, about all of the parents that you know. Think of all the children that they have had and all the stories they have told you. Now have you ever heard even a single tale about a child who left the womb in chains?
Of course you haven't because we are not born with ankle weights, handcuffs or collars. All men, and by men I mean people, are born free. We are not born into slavery, servitude or ownership. We are each our own person. And it is for each of us to decide what we do with our lives and how we live it.
No man has the right to put a collar around your neck, unless you give him that right. No man has the right to make you his slave. No man has the right to claim ownership of you no matter who you are. No man can force you to do a thing that you truly do not want to do. You can simply say no. Or find a way to leave the circumstance. Or fight to assert your freedom, which may mean either your death or theirs. But choosing to live in servitude is far worse than dying free.
Slavery is an illusion. It isn't real. One man can not own another. One man can only tell another person what to do for as long as that person is willing to be told what to do and not one moment longer. When we make a different choice, one way or another, we become free.
Yet we do it all the time. We claim ownership of others and act as if it true. We as people, jealously guard the relationships we have and do our best to prevent others from taking those people away from us, without even asking said person what it is that they want. This is my wife, my brother, my friend. We feel some need to apply ownership to every relationship we have. But it isn't real.
My brother isn't mine. I don't own him. We happen to have the same mother and share some genetic traits and that is as far as it goes. There is no claim that I can make on his life other than that we are related. Anything else is only true in so much as he allows it to be.
As for my friends, they are not really mine either. They are free to make their own choices and live their own lives. We associate because we agree on most points and are not tremendous asshats to one another when we don't agree. But if I were to start consistently treating them like garbage, they would move on and be friends with other people.
Now for the big one. Marriage. It is a contract that exists between two or more(in the case of polygamy) individuals. And despite the religious,social, and political viewpoints and all of the varied specific wordings, a marriage is simply a promise for two people to be together until they no longer wish to be.
We may not want that to be true. But it is. Otherwise there would not be a word in our language for the concept of divorce.
Think for just a moment, about all of the parents that you know. Think of all the children that they have had and all the stories they have told you. Now have you ever heard even a single tale about a child who left the womb in chains?
Of course you haven't because we are not born with ankle weights, handcuffs or collars. All men, and by men I mean people, are born free. We are not born into slavery, servitude or ownership. We are each our own person. And it is for each of us to decide what we do with our lives and how we live it.
No man has the right to put a collar around your neck, unless you give him that right. No man has the right to make you his slave. No man has the right to claim ownership of you no matter who you are. No man can force you to do a thing that you truly do not want to do. You can simply say no. Or find a way to leave the circumstance. Or fight to assert your freedom, which may mean either your death or theirs. But choosing to live in servitude is far worse than dying free.
Slavery is an illusion. It isn't real. One man can not own another. One man can only tell another person what to do for as long as that person is willing to be told what to do and not one moment longer. When we make a different choice, one way or another, we become free.
Yet we do it all the time. We claim ownership of others and act as if it true. We as people, jealously guard the relationships we have and do our best to prevent others from taking those people away from us, without even asking said person what it is that they want. This is my wife, my brother, my friend. We feel some need to apply ownership to every relationship we have. But it isn't real.
My brother isn't mine. I don't own him. We happen to have the same mother and share some genetic traits and that is as far as it goes. There is no claim that I can make on his life other than that we are related. Anything else is only true in so much as he allows it to be.
As for my friends, they are not really mine either. They are free to make their own choices and live their own lives. We associate because we agree on most points and are not tremendous asshats to one another when we don't agree. But if I were to start consistently treating them like garbage, they would move on and be friends with other people.
Now for the big one. Marriage. It is a contract that exists between two or more(in the case of polygamy) individuals. And despite the religious,social, and political viewpoints and all of the varied specific wordings, a marriage is simply a promise for two people to be together until they no longer wish to be.
We may not want that to be true. But it is. Otherwise there would not be a word in our language for the concept of divorce.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Ownership pt1
As you probably know by now, I have some pretty unconventional ways of getting things done. My thoughts and actions tend to fly in the face of tradition. My intention is not to hurt anyone's feelings or to make anyone angry. I simply believe that a person should do things in a way that both works and makes sense. And when I look out at the world I see a great many things that do neither.
Today's topic is probably going to make some of you mad, confuse you, or cause some disagreement. Again that is not my intent, but what is, is.
There is a saying that goes we don't inherit the earth from our fathers, we borrow it from our children. If that is the case then we do not own the land that we live on. We merely guard and take care of it for those who live on it after we do.
It is the concept of ownership that I do not agree with, nor really understand. We have a labeling system in our home for groceries and things like that. A person will put their name on something to indicate that they bought it and that others should not use it.
Although I have made the point several times, others do not seem to understand that I do not mind if they use the items with my name on them. The only reason I put my name on something is because I want someone else to replace that item if they happen to destroy it or use it all up. And that is only due to the fact that I have only a limited quantity of funds to replace said items. If my income was greater, I wouldn't bother to write my name on these things because I could just easily replace them.
The only reason that I do not freely give access to all of my things to other people is fear of loss. I do not want the amount of things to which I have access to decrease. I want to know that a thing that I have purchased will be there for my use when I want it. It is not because I feel any more right to a thing than anyone else. And if a person can show through their way of being that they are willing and able to replace anything that I have purchased that gets damaged or destroyed while they are using it, then that thing is communal property in my eyes.
People place such great emphasis on the things that they have managed to scrape together in this life. They say see my house isn't it grand? My spouse is attractive don't you think? See our new boat/car/record collection/books/whatever it is that people are proud of having?
But the fact of the matter is that you can't take it with you when you die. You come into this world with nothing and you bring nothing with you when you leave it.
What happens to all those things when you die? Your spouse decides that the house is too big to live alone in so they most likely sell it and move on with their lives. Over time, all the things you collected during your life time get either sold, destroyed or given away to other people.
At best, when you purchase a thing, you are really not obtaining ownership of it. You are renting it and safeguarding it, until it moves on to another person.
In short, I don't buy ownership.
Today's topic is probably going to make some of you mad, confuse you, or cause some disagreement. Again that is not my intent, but what is, is.
There is a saying that goes we don't inherit the earth from our fathers, we borrow it from our children. If that is the case then we do not own the land that we live on. We merely guard and take care of it for those who live on it after we do.
It is the concept of ownership that I do not agree with, nor really understand. We have a labeling system in our home for groceries and things like that. A person will put their name on something to indicate that they bought it and that others should not use it.
Although I have made the point several times, others do not seem to understand that I do not mind if they use the items with my name on them. The only reason I put my name on something is because I want someone else to replace that item if they happen to destroy it or use it all up. And that is only due to the fact that I have only a limited quantity of funds to replace said items. If my income was greater, I wouldn't bother to write my name on these things because I could just easily replace them.
The only reason that I do not freely give access to all of my things to other people is fear of loss. I do not want the amount of things to which I have access to decrease. I want to know that a thing that I have purchased will be there for my use when I want it. It is not because I feel any more right to a thing than anyone else. And if a person can show through their way of being that they are willing and able to replace anything that I have purchased that gets damaged or destroyed while they are using it, then that thing is communal property in my eyes.
People place such great emphasis on the things that they have managed to scrape together in this life. They say see my house isn't it grand? My spouse is attractive don't you think? See our new boat/car/record collection/books/whatever it is that people are proud of having?
But the fact of the matter is that you can't take it with you when you die. You come into this world with nothing and you bring nothing with you when you leave it.
What happens to all those things when you die? Your spouse decides that the house is too big to live alone in so they most likely sell it and move on with their lives. Over time, all the things you collected during your life time get either sold, destroyed or given away to other people.
At best, when you purchase a thing, you are really not obtaining ownership of it. You are renting it and safeguarding it, until it moves on to another person.
In short, I don't buy ownership.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Excuses excuses excuses...
Read the title of this post again. Excuses. That is all that stands between what you have and what you want. We do it all the time. We have have excuses for everything.
The formula is simple, if <insert excuse here> had not happened, then <insert goal here> would have happened. Or I can't <insert goal here> because <insert excuse here>
If only this hadn't happened, I would have made it. Or if this person hadn't done that thing I would have won. I can't go to that school because it's too expensive. I could never do that job because I am too stupid to learn Calculus. I'm too Irish, Chinese, black, purple or green to do that thing. I'm too poor, too short, too young,too old, bald or ugly.
It's all nonsense.Hogwash. B.S..
You can do whatever you want to do. You just have to want it badly enough not to let anything get in your way. Your desire has to be great enough that you will move forward with laser focus and destroy all obstacles that arrive. If you have a high enough level of commitment, there is no obstacle that you can not go over under around or through.
Saying that you cannot do a thing because where you are currently in life is the polar opposite of the thing you wish to achieve is a flat out lie. Some of the poorest people in the world have become the wealthiest. Some of the least well educated in their younger years have become some of the most learned and best educators of men in their later years. Many people with physical handicaps learn to perform feats of strength and athletics that most normal people would never dream of.
Are you perfectly happy with your life exactly the way it is? If you are the one person in ten thousand that can honestly say you are, stop reading this and go do something else.
But if you are part of the majority group who has unmet goals, make a list of the things that are keeping you from meeting these goals. Write down all the things that make your goals "impossible".
Then ask yourself how you could go under, over, around or through these excuses. Begin, one at a time, terminating with extreme prejudice the things that are holding you back. If you are truly motivated, you will find a way to turn any perceived weakness into a strength.
The truth is that anything you have not accomplished yet is a thing that has not mattered enough to you to make sure that it happened. You have not cared enough to put in the time and energy required to make it happen. It was not important enough to you brush aside any obstacle, challenge or hindrance to meeting the goal.
And any time that anyone asks you about a goal and your reply is anything other than what is stated in the previous paragraph, you are lying, directly, to both yourself and the person making the inquiry. Excuses are lies plain and simple. We do what is important to us. We do not do what is not. We talk about what we would like to be important. But once it becomes important we do it and not a moment before.
Stop lying to yourself and putting the blame on life and others in it. You and you alone are responsible for all of your successes and failures. Other people may add to or detract from your efforts, but it is ultimately your efforts that decide your results.
The formula is simple, if <insert excuse here> had not happened, then <insert goal here> would have happened. Or I can't <insert goal here> because <insert excuse here>
If only this hadn't happened, I would have made it. Or if this person hadn't done that thing I would have won. I can't go to that school because it's too expensive. I could never do that job because I am too stupid to learn Calculus. I'm too Irish, Chinese, black, purple or green to do that thing. I'm too poor, too short, too young,too old, bald or ugly.
It's all nonsense.Hogwash. B.S..
You can do whatever you want to do. You just have to want it badly enough not to let anything get in your way. Your desire has to be great enough that you will move forward with laser focus and destroy all obstacles that arrive. If you have a high enough level of commitment, there is no obstacle that you can not go over under around or through.
Saying that you cannot do a thing because where you are currently in life is the polar opposite of the thing you wish to achieve is a flat out lie. Some of the poorest people in the world have become the wealthiest. Some of the least well educated in their younger years have become some of the most learned and best educators of men in their later years. Many people with physical handicaps learn to perform feats of strength and athletics that most normal people would never dream of.
Are you perfectly happy with your life exactly the way it is? If you are the one person in ten thousand that can honestly say you are, stop reading this and go do something else.
But if you are part of the majority group who has unmet goals, make a list of the things that are keeping you from meeting these goals. Write down all the things that make your goals "impossible".
Then ask yourself how you could go under, over, around or through these excuses. Begin, one at a time, terminating with extreme prejudice the things that are holding you back. If you are truly motivated, you will find a way to turn any perceived weakness into a strength.
The truth is that anything you have not accomplished yet is a thing that has not mattered enough to you to make sure that it happened. You have not cared enough to put in the time and energy required to make it happen. It was not important enough to you brush aside any obstacle, challenge or hindrance to meeting the goal.
And any time that anyone asks you about a goal and your reply is anything other than what is stated in the previous paragraph, you are lying, directly, to both yourself and the person making the inquiry. Excuses are lies plain and simple. We do what is important to us. We do not do what is not. We talk about what we would like to be important. But once it becomes important we do it and not a moment before.
Stop lying to yourself and putting the blame on life and others in it. You and you alone are responsible for all of your successes and failures. Other people may add to or detract from your efforts, but it is ultimately your efforts that decide your results.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
YOU cannot win an argument!
Am I calling you stupid? Do I think that you are you too much of an idiot to get your point across? Is it my opinion that your capacity for articulation is too limited for another person to understand and agree with you?
No. I'm not saying any of those things. What I am saying is that you cannot win an argument, because there is no way to win once it becomes an argument. There's a saying about how arguing with people on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.
When someone tells you something and you tell them that they are wrong, especially in public, there is often no graceful way out. You lose no matter what you do. While you may be well armed with all of the facts and equipped to eloquently distribute the truth in such a way that all present are forced to accept what you say as correct and accurate, if you take this route, you make an enemy of the original speaker.
You may prove yourself right, but at the cost of any potential goodwill that person would ever have shown you. You have made them look like a complete idiot, in front of others no less. And on the off chance that they are able to poke holes in your otherwise impeccable logic, then you face the humiliation of calling them out and being wrong yourself. In one situation you create an enemy. In the other you lose both credibility and face. Neither can be considered a win.
That is not to say that you muse blithely accept whatever drivel spews forth from a person's mouth. There are ways of correcting a person that do not directly challenge their pride or even their ability to reason.
Chiefest among them is to never directly state that you are proving their statement or belief is false. When you open your side of the discussion by saying to all present that you intend to prove that the other person is wrong it gets their defensive mechanisms going. The walls come up and any hope at logic and reason from them goes right out the window. You can then run out fact after fact for hours and they will resist every step of the way.
A far better way is to start out by admitting your own fallibility. Phrases like, I think, it seems to me, it appears, or from my understanding, go a long way towards disarming the other person. They show your acceptance that you might be wrong. You are flexible and willing to go with whatever you happen to find out in your search for truth.By showing your own willingness, to be open to the possibility to be wrong, you automatically engender that same willingness in the other person.
Begin your dialogue by saying, you realize that you are not perfect and that you make mistakes. Admit that the other person may be right and you may be wrong. Then invite the other person to go through the facts with you together to see what is real and what is not.
At this point if the other person refuses, then it becomes obvious to all that the other person is far more interested in being "right" than in what is true. Your side does not matter because all they care about is their ego. At this point just agree with them and let the matter drop. This way you win because all present, including the person who refused to work with you on finding the facts, realize that you are right.
And if they do agree to explore all of the facts with you to uncover who is right and who is wrong, no matter how it turns out, you win then too. If the facts show that you are right the other person is willing to admit it, now that you are not forcing it down their throat. If they show that you are wrong, the matter has been resolved amicably and you have found a partner in discovering truth, rather than creating an enemy.
Do not argue. Persuade
No. I'm not saying any of those things. What I am saying is that you cannot win an argument, because there is no way to win once it becomes an argument. There's a saying about how arguing with people on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded.
When someone tells you something and you tell them that they are wrong, especially in public, there is often no graceful way out. You lose no matter what you do. While you may be well armed with all of the facts and equipped to eloquently distribute the truth in such a way that all present are forced to accept what you say as correct and accurate, if you take this route, you make an enemy of the original speaker.
You may prove yourself right, but at the cost of any potential goodwill that person would ever have shown you. You have made them look like a complete idiot, in front of others no less. And on the off chance that they are able to poke holes in your otherwise impeccable logic, then you face the humiliation of calling them out and being wrong yourself. In one situation you create an enemy. In the other you lose both credibility and face. Neither can be considered a win.
That is not to say that you muse blithely accept whatever drivel spews forth from a person's mouth. There are ways of correcting a person that do not directly challenge their pride or even their ability to reason.
Chiefest among them is to never directly state that you are proving their statement or belief is false. When you open your side of the discussion by saying to all present that you intend to prove that the other person is wrong it gets their defensive mechanisms going. The walls come up and any hope at logic and reason from them goes right out the window. You can then run out fact after fact for hours and they will resist every step of the way.
A far better way is to start out by admitting your own fallibility. Phrases like, I think, it seems to me, it appears, or from my understanding, go a long way towards disarming the other person. They show your acceptance that you might be wrong. You are flexible and willing to go with whatever you happen to find out in your search for truth.By showing your own willingness, to be open to the possibility to be wrong, you automatically engender that same willingness in the other person.
Begin your dialogue by saying, you realize that you are not perfect and that you make mistakes. Admit that the other person may be right and you may be wrong. Then invite the other person to go through the facts with you together to see what is real and what is not.
At this point if the other person refuses, then it becomes obvious to all that the other person is far more interested in being "right" than in what is true. Your side does not matter because all they care about is their ego. At this point just agree with them and let the matter drop. This way you win because all present, including the person who refused to work with you on finding the facts, realize that you are right.
And if they do agree to explore all of the facts with you to uncover who is right and who is wrong, no matter how it turns out, you win then too. If the facts show that you are right the other person is willing to admit it, now that you are not forcing it down their throat. If they show that you are wrong, the matter has been resolved amicably and you have found a partner in discovering truth, rather than creating an enemy.
Do not argue. Persuade
Friday, November 1, 2013
Thinking... out loud...(on digital paper even)
No lesson to learn today. Well, perhaps there is, but i'm not intending to teach one. I am just sorting out a problem that exists within our home.
A good part of the day it has been on my mind and no real progress has been made. So feeling it out through the written word is what is happening here and now.
There is an issue with one of the rooms in our home. Although it could occur in other rooms it does not. It happens in one of the rooms that we rent out. So, far, in the past when only one person has been renting the space, it has only ever been a minor issue. When two or more people share the room it seems to rapidly become a much bigger problem.
A permanent solution exists for about $3500 out of pocket all at once. And it is something we plan to take care of. But we are very unlikely to be able to afford that much out of pocket all at once in the next year. With one person renting the room, our increased cost is about $350 per year. With two people in the room the cost is closer to $375 per month.
The increase in rent we are charging the second person for sharing the room is $300 per month. So, we are paying $75 per month to have that person here. This is not including any increases in cost, due to power and water usage, food, gas for car rides or any other expenses.
This does not work and cannot continue. If you were the owner of a home with this problem, what would your solution be?
Even though none of us are blood related, we like to run our home like a family, one who is fair and honorable and treats each other with respect. But, at the end of the day we need to run our home like a business. And when a business is running in the red, there are only two ways to fix it. Cut costs or increase revenue.
Increasing revenue is what we were hoping to accomplish by having the extra person share the room. All of the other rooms in our home are now occupied. So increasing revenue in that way, is not likely.
We could raise that person's rent by the amount of the additional monthly expense, but it would be more than doubling what that person is currently paying and might cause that person to move out. I am personally against this idea because I like this person and don't want them to leave. And this person is in a relationship with the other person that is living in the room.
While the person paying $300 per month but costing us $375+ per month leaving seems to make sense from a business standpoint, there is a good chance that if one left they both would. Then we would need to replace the lost income from the other person as well.
And that person has been one of our best roommates so far. Rent is always paid.Noise is kept within acceptable limits. There is no drug abuse or "weird" associates. Any ridiculous messes are confined to the rented space and not left in the communal area.
As far as cutting costs goes perhaps there is $375 in money we are wasting every month that can be removed from our budget. I doubt it though. At every possible point, I am cutting corners and looking for ways we can keep more of the money we make and pay down debts. I am aware of about $50 per month that we can get rid of and will be doing so in the next 60 days.
What it is, specifically, that is causing this increased expense, I am a bit unclear about. I am not sure whether the cause is due to misuse in some way or if it is simply a matter of overuse.
So, after reading this over several times, and doing some more pondering, I am clear about what will most likely need to happen. There are two general things that can cause the issue that keeps happening in that room. We have each time it has come up in the past few months handled one of them. I am going to see to it that both of them get taken care of this time. Then I will inquire as to how the thing that is troubling us is being used. I will listen to what is being done and give constructive feedback. If the issue occurs again next month, the one roommate will have to pay an increase in rent, move out, or suggest ways that the difference in cost can be reasonably made up.
I am open to other constructive ideas. Hopefully, others in the home will come up with some as well.
A good part of the day it has been on my mind and no real progress has been made. So feeling it out through the written word is what is happening here and now.
There is an issue with one of the rooms in our home. Although it could occur in other rooms it does not. It happens in one of the rooms that we rent out. So, far, in the past when only one person has been renting the space, it has only ever been a minor issue. When two or more people share the room it seems to rapidly become a much bigger problem.
A permanent solution exists for about $3500 out of pocket all at once. And it is something we plan to take care of. But we are very unlikely to be able to afford that much out of pocket all at once in the next year. With one person renting the room, our increased cost is about $350 per year. With two people in the room the cost is closer to $375 per month.
The increase in rent we are charging the second person for sharing the room is $300 per month. So, we are paying $75 per month to have that person here. This is not including any increases in cost, due to power and water usage, food, gas for car rides or any other expenses.
This does not work and cannot continue. If you were the owner of a home with this problem, what would your solution be?
Even though none of us are blood related, we like to run our home like a family, one who is fair and honorable and treats each other with respect. But, at the end of the day we need to run our home like a business. And when a business is running in the red, there are only two ways to fix it. Cut costs or increase revenue.
Increasing revenue is what we were hoping to accomplish by having the extra person share the room. All of the other rooms in our home are now occupied. So increasing revenue in that way, is not likely.
We could raise that person's rent by the amount of the additional monthly expense, but it would be more than doubling what that person is currently paying and might cause that person to move out. I am personally against this idea because I like this person and don't want them to leave. And this person is in a relationship with the other person that is living in the room.
While the person paying $300 per month but costing us $375+ per month leaving seems to make sense from a business standpoint, there is a good chance that if one left they both would. Then we would need to replace the lost income from the other person as well.
And that person has been one of our best roommates so far. Rent is always paid.Noise is kept within acceptable limits. There is no drug abuse or "weird" associates. Any ridiculous messes are confined to the rented space and not left in the communal area.
As far as cutting costs goes perhaps there is $375 in money we are wasting every month that can be removed from our budget. I doubt it though. At every possible point, I am cutting corners and looking for ways we can keep more of the money we make and pay down debts. I am aware of about $50 per month that we can get rid of and will be doing so in the next 60 days.
What it is, specifically, that is causing this increased expense, I am a bit unclear about. I am not sure whether the cause is due to misuse in some way or if it is simply a matter of overuse.
So, after reading this over several times, and doing some more pondering, I am clear about what will most likely need to happen. There are two general things that can cause the issue that keeps happening in that room. We have each time it has come up in the past few months handled one of them. I am going to see to it that both of them get taken care of this time. Then I will inquire as to how the thing that is troubling us is being used. I will listen to what is being done and give constructive feedback. If the issue occurs again next month, the one roommate will have to pay an increase in rent, move out, or suggest ways that the difference in cost can be reasonably made up.
I am open to other constructive ideas. Hopefully, others in the home will come up with some as well.
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