To trust or not to?

Years ago, while going through a transformational workshop, I had an experience that I would like to relate to you. There were a little over a hundred of us in this large meeting room at a local hotel. During one of the breaks all of the chairs were removed from the room. When we came back in, the room was completely open and spacious.

The trainer informed us that we were about to do an exercise on trust. The instructions were simple. Each of us was to go around the room and in a ten minute period of time have a single interaction with as many of the others as we could. We weren't required to talk to everyone and we could pick and choose who we did and did not interact with. But the interaction itself was very specific. We were to walk up to a person, smile, look them right in the eye and say either "Hi, I trust you" or "Hi, I don't trust you". Loud dance music was played so that even though we were all together in the same room, each conversation was a private one.

Now the thing here is, none of us knew each other. We were all different people from different walks of life who had each independently signed up for this class. So there were no no preformed relationships. The only things people could base their decisions on was what the other person looked like or sounded like when they walked up and said hello.

For many people this was a very eye opening experience. In some cultures people almost never look each other in the eyes because it is seen as a sign of aggression. They never make a direct personal connection with anyone. For some people, they found out that although they had previously thought they were very trusting of others, in reality, they didn't trust anyone.  By the end of the ten minutes a whole lot of people were crying, some with happiness many more with the sadness of realizing the way they made choices just wasn't working for them. We got to see how we judged other people and how other people judged us. A great many breakthroughs were had that day.

Afterwards, there was another break and all the chairs were brought back in. Once we were all back, seated comfortably, the trainer passed a microphone around the room and asked us all to share our experiences. Most of the people said they found themselves saying more often than not that they did not trust the people they were interacting with simply because they were strangers. Many of the people that said they did trust the person they were saying hello to was because they were attracted to that person in some way.

I found my experience to be unique among all of the people that chose to share because I trusted everyone. I said hello and told every person I talked to that I trusted them. Was I just doing this to curry personal favor or to make them smile or in the hopes that they would say they trusted me back? Nope. It was the absolute truth.

See, I don't look at trust like most other people do. The commonly held belief is that if you trust a person you believe they won't do anything to hurt you. So, based on that if you believe a person won't hurt you, you say you trust them and if you believe they will, you say you don't trust them.

What I believe is a little different than that. I believe that each person is the most important person in the world to themselves. It is also my belief that people are generally good and want to do the right thing. But, when a conflict of interest occurs a person will, nearly without fail, do the thing that is good for themselves, regardless of how it affects others. I believe that it is hardly ever the intention of another person to hurt me, it is just more convenient than harming themselves.

A complete stranger, one whom I know nothing about and knows nothing about me, has nothing to gain by hurting me. There is no reason for me to believe they have any intention of hurting me. So, I trust them. Now that is not to say that my guard is completely down and inviting an attack. I am not an idiot. I take each new piece of information that comes in and modify my opinions based on circumstance. In other words, I am open and loving until shown that it is inappropriate for the circumstance.

The only way to be fair to everyone is to treat them all exactly the same way. By default, I could trust no one or I could choose to trust everyone. The first just seems like a sad sad way to live your life, don't you think?

Happy Hellidays :)

One of my roommates, who also happens to be one of my best friends in this world made a somewhat melancholy post in his live journal recently about bonds between people. After some thinking, I decided to post a few words of my own about bonds and family as well. His original post is available by clicking here.

It seems that around this time of year we are all reminded, often subconsciously, of the bonds that most of us have with family. Every year around the holidays, I plan to stay  home and eat a big meal, often one which I do most of the work involved in preparing. I would very much like it if my "chosen" family would be here but nearly all of them make plans with blood relatives.

We went out of our way to form strong bonds with one another. But for most, those bonds are easily swept aside by a need to spend time with people they are legally related to. Why don't those people come to our house and have dinner, say a bunch of superficial stuff that they probably don't mean and then go home? Or come over get drunk and say a bunch of mean things that they really do mean and then flee like the hounds of hell are chasing them? That seems to be how most families operate. And why do the young people have to go to the older people's homes? Why can't all of our families come see what this family has built?

My friend says he thinks that the family bond is a way of being a victim or at least of being absolved of the responsibility of whatever happens. Maybe that's why my bond with the people I am actually related to is not that strong and my bond with the people that I chose is stronger. I don't buy into that victim mentality.

Though I can see the perspective. There is likely to be guilt or at the very least excuses either way when multiple people want your company at the same time and they are not inclined to all meet up in the same place. People have to make a choice somehow. So they say well they are my family, I am kinda obligated, you understand right? Actually I don't.

The thing about it is, its a lie. While it is true that you do not get to pick your parents or siblings or any other blood relative, you do get to pick how strong the bond between you is. And it is just a cop out or excuse to say that you want to spend time with one group of people if you go and actually spend your time with another group.

It is true that those with whom we form strong bonds are people that we trust more than others. We relax around them and let down our guard. But when push comes to shove, most people still choose family over the people that have actually shown themselves to be trustworthy. The saying blood is thicker than water is thrown around to say family is always going to win out, that there is no competition.

Well good luck with that. The more blood calls to blood the more ham,turkey and mashed potatoes there will be for us here in our home.