Expectations

Pretty much every person has a desire to be accepted by others. We all want to be loved, to feel needed, and to feel affection. You could say it is one of the most basic of all non-physical needs. What makes me say this? Love and acceptance are wants and not needs right? Aren't there only three basic needs? Well, no.

Our bodies need food, clothing and shelter to keep us alive. And studies have been done showing that without love and acceptance we will die just as if our physical needs have not been met.

One particular study was done in Nazi era Germany. It was done using two groups of newborn babies. The first was shown all of the regular love and care that newborn infants are usually given. They were comforted when they cried. They got held and hugged and talked to in that overly sugary tone that nearly everyone uses when talking to a baby. They all survived.

The second group did not get any of that. When they were hungry they got fed. When they were dirty they got changed. If there was something medically wrong with them it got taken care of. But, other than that, the second group of infants was completely ignored. None of them were ever shown any affection. They never got any compassion or emotion from their caretakers. Every single baby in the second group died.

Love and acceptance are needs. When we are really young we have to rely on others to love and accept us because we don't know how to love ourselves yet. In a perfect world this would be a simple and automatic procedure because we would all love one another unconditionally. There would be no ulterior motives and no reason to hold back that love from one another.

In the real world however, things do not work that way. Instead of loving one another unconditionally, people have expectations. When those expectations are not met, love and acceptance are usually held back. The problem with this way of doing things is that everyone has different expectations. We all see the world slightly differently.

It becomes some kind of a sick mind game trying to meet the expectations of every person we meet so that we can get that affection that we so desperately desire. It is not possible to please everybody. In fact, most of the time it is not possible to please more than one or two people at a time.Each person has their own version of how you should be and it includes just about every adjective in the dictionary.

Thinner, taller, wider, older, more muscular, chubbier, tanner, whiter, younger, quicker, longer hair, less hair(facial or otherwise), different eyes, a smaller nose or mouth, more ghetto, less country, more Asian, or less European just to name a few physical attributes. Then there are all of the skills, talents and abilities that you have or don't have and all the choices that you make or don't make (fashion or otherwise) that don't match every other person's ideal version of you.

A person will literally go crazy attempting to please everyone. But, we need love and acceptance to survive, so what should we do? Well, there are two answers to that and both are important.

The first is, if you are old enough to read and understand these words then, you are old enough to love and accept yourself. Since you have been with yourself your whole life, you are equipped to have realistic expectations about yourself.  And, even if you fail to meet them, you can choose to love yourself anyways while you work on meeting said expectations.

The second is to pick a small group of people, some family and friends, who have similar expectations of you that you will do your best to meet. Ideally, they should be people that will love and care for you even when you fail because none of us is perfect and there will be times where that happens. These should be people with your best interests in mind and flexible enough to realize that what they think is best and what is best for you are not always the same.

Then, while there is no need to be rude or disrespectful, you can pretty much just ignore what the rest of the world thinks about you, good or bad. Just let it all go. None of it matters. A single person can give you all the love and affection that you will ever need. And you are a single person.

How does one stick to the plan?

In order to get what we want out of life we need a plan. We get to look at what we have compare it to what we want and then build an action plan, a bridge, if you will, between the two. It starts out as just an outline. But, once this is done we can flesh it out into a specific step by step manual to get from where we are to where we want to be.

Now assuming we follow this blueprint, we will eventually get to where it is that we want to be. It may take us years though. Life is chock full of distractions, shiny things, bells and whistles that tend to pull our minds away from the important hard work that we need to do if we are ever to truly succeed. So, how do we keep ourselves motivated to stay on track and work the plan?

Living our vision is one way. Treat the future as if it is already here. Imagine what life will be like once all the pieces of the puzzle have been fitted into place where they belong. Live with the joy and gratitude of your success, even though it is not yet yours. Constantly remind yourself of the fruits of your labor even though the tree is not ripe yet. You have set things in motion and the harvest will come.

For some that alone is enough. For others who don't understand that line of reasoning or who just need more than promises of the future, there is another way. As they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. So how to handle this? I have a story that illustrates it rather well I think.

 A couple of decades ago I took Tae Kwon Do. The school that I went to was pretty big. There were new people joining all the time and something was constantly going on. At every class they gave out certificates and they gave them out for a variety of things, most of which, at the time, I thought were pretty frivolous. There were certificates for the most improvement over the last month, for who was the most energetic, who kicked the highest, most impressive ki shout, for successful board breaking and highest kicks. There was a certificate for just about every single thing that got done in class.

Also the belt system at this school was pretty intricate. There were I think nine belts between white and black and each had between 2 and 7 stripes with 5 to 6 being the average. Now, if you don't know, stripes are kind of an intermediate point between one belt and another. They mark you as past beginner at that belt level but not yet having mastered all you need to know. A lot of schools don't use the stripe system at all. Even the ones that do usually only have one or two stripes between belts.

But between certificates, stripes and several other things that this school did, each student hardly ever went more than a week or two without some pretty major recognition. It seemed like everyone was constantly being rewarded for whatever it was they did, no matter how small.

At the time, I thought it was pretty stupid. I mean if people are doing exactly what it is that is expected of them why are they being rewarded? Shouldn't things like that be reserved for people that are going above and beyond what is required and expected?

I didn't see, at the time, what was really happening. The goal of becoming a black belt was years away for any new people just coming to class. Even going from one belt to another was a process that took weeks if not months of hard work. All the little back patting and mini rewards kept people motivated and on track. It kept them coming back week after week until they actually achieved the ultimate goal.

You can use the same tools with the action plan for your life. Go over the blueprint for your life. . Think of the major accomplishments in your blueprint as belt levels, each one signifying a huge step towards the achievements of your goals. At each one of these points set up a reward for yourself, some way of congratulating yourself and motivating you to continue on the path. Split each "belt" into "stripes" and at each minor accomplishment have some lesser reward, to show that the work is all worth it and that you are on track. And regularly give yourself "certificates" or little pats on the back every few days.

None of these rewards need to be lavish or exorbitant, but they should be things that you truly enjoy. They are things that you deserve for working towards your long term goals. If you treat following the path towards your goals as an enjoyable service with rewards all along the path, holding out until the final goal has been reached will be something that you love doing, something that you want, rather than something you are forcing yourself to do. The bells and whistles will not be shiny or loud. The distractions will not pull you away.

Stay the course. Have the life you really want.