Expectations

Pretty much every person has a desire to be accepted by others. We all want to be loved, to feel needed, and to feel affection. You could say it is one of the most basic of all non-physical needs. What makes me say this? Love and acceptance are wants and not needs right? Aren't there only three basic needs? Well, no.

Our bodies need food, clothing and shelter to keep us alive. And studies have been done showing that without love and acceptance we will die just as if our physical needs have not been met.

One particular study was done in Nazi era Germany. It was done using two groups of newborn babies. The first was shown all of the regular love and care that newborn infants are usually given. They were comforted when they cried. They got held and hugged and talked to in that overly sugary tone that nearly everyone uses when talking to a baby. They all survived.

The second group did not get any of that. When they were hungry they got fed. When they were dirty they got changed. If there was something medically wrong with them it got taken care of. But, other than that, the second group of infants was completely ignored. None of them were ever shown any affection. They never got any compassion or emotion from their caretakers. Every single baby in the second group died.

Love and acceptance are needs. When we are really young we have to rely on others to love and accept us because we don't know how to love ourselves yet. In a perfect world this would be a simple and automatic procedure because we would all love one another unconditionally. There would be no ulterior motives and no reason to hold back that love from one another.

In the real world however, things do not work that way. Instead of loving one another unconditionally, people have expectations. When those expectations are not met, love and acceptance are usually held back. The problem with this way of doing things is that everyone has different expectations. We all see the world slightly differently.

It becomes some kind of a sick mind game trying to meet the expectations of every person we meet so that we can get that affection that we so desperately desire. It is not possible to please everybody. In fact, most of the time it is not possible to please more than one or two people at a time.Each person has their own version of how you should be and it includes just about every adjective in the dictionary.

Thinner, taller, wider, older, more muscular, chubbier, tanner, whiter, younger, quicker, longer hair, less hair(facial or otherwise), different eyes, a smaller nose or mouth, more ghetto, less country, more Asian, or less European just to name a few physical attributes. Then there are all of the skills, talents and abilities that you have or don't have and all the choices that you make or don't make (fashion or otherwise) that don't match every other person's ideal version of you.

A person will literally go crazy attempting to please everyone. But, we need love and acceptance to survive, so what should we do? Well, there are two answers to that and both are important.

The first is, if you are old enough to read and understand these words then, you are old enough to love and accept yourself. Since you have been with yourself your whole life, you are equipped to have realistic expectations about yourself.  And, even if you fail to meet them, you can choose to love yourself anyways while you work on meeting said expectations.

The second is to pick a small group of people, some family and friends, who have similar expectations of you that you will do your best to meet. Ideally, they should be people that will love and care for you even when you fail because none of us is perfect and there will be times where that happens. These should be people with your best interests in mind and flexible enough to realize that what they think is best and what is best for you are not always the same.

Then, while there is no need to be rude or disrespectful, you can pretty much just ignore what the rest of the world thinks about you, good or bad. Just let it all go. None of it matters. A single person can give you all the love and affection that you will ever need. And you are a single person.

The real, authentic you

Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. The real authentic you has a deep seated, powerful desire for affection.So the world should be filled with love and acceptance right? Well, look around. Is it?

No, of course it isn't. Because although we all want love and acceptance we, on the average, do not give it. Instead, we hide behind our facade of toughness and invulnerability and throw hate grenades at other people, hopefully tearing them down before they get to tear us down. We generate lies about who we are and what we want so that others can't hurt us. While it seems like a good idea in theory, the armor is never thick enough, the walls are never high enough and we still get hurt. And even worse, this way can never ever lead to being loved and accepted.

To solve this problem we need to change gears. Now, for a real thought provoking question. How are babies and domestic canines alike?

They each are completely filled with the desire to be loved. There isn't a single ounce of falseness within them.They pour out who and what they are in every moment. Unconditional love oozes from every fiber of their being, from them into us. And we can't help but love them right back.

Sheer ecstasy at being around someone that they love is their sole motivation for every action they take. Their happiness is infectious. We catch it even if we think we don't want to. When a baby smiles at us we know they aren't trying to trick us into anything. They aren't luring us in so that they can hurt us. They are simply sharing joy.

It has been said that it is better to give than to receive. Well, in terms of love and acceptance, the saying should be if you wish to receive you must first give. See, we show the world, by our way of being, how we want the world to treat us.

When we put up a false front, lie about who we are and what we want, we tell the world that is how we want others to act around us. When we put on armor and pick up weapons we tell others we want them to attack us.

When we cloth ourselves in love and acceptance we show others that we want to be loved and accepted, but more importantly we show them that we are willing to give them what they truly want. And when you are willing to give others what they truly want they are much more willing to do the same for you.

Contrary to what you might think, when it comes to emotional energy, negative plus positive eventually leads to the destruction of negative, leaving behind the same amount or even more positive than you started with. Negative plus negative only leads to a larger amount of negative. And positive plus positive, of course, leads to more positive.

By being who you are, you free others to be who they are. When they realize that they can safely let their guard down around you, then there are two people who can be themselves. And gradually more and more people will be drawn to you as a result. You can't force the world to change. But you can encourage it.

So stop lying about who you are and what you want. Let out the inner child. Be authentic. Be real. Be you.