Expectations

Pretty much every person has a desire to be accepted by others. We all want to be loved, to feel needed, and to feel affection. You could say it is one of the most basic of all non-physical needs. What makes me say this? Love and acceptance are wants and not needs right? Aren't there only three basic needs? Well, no.

Our bodies need food, clothing and shelter to keep us alive. And studies have been done showing that without love and acceptance we will die just as if our physical needs have not been met.

One particular study was done in Nazi era Germany. It was done using two groups of newborn babies. The first was shown all of the regular love and care that newborn infants are usually given. They were comforted when they cried. They got held and hugged and talked to in that overly sugary tone that nearly everyone uses when talking to a baby. They all survived.

The second group did not get any of that. When they were hungry they got fed. When they were dirty they got changed. If there was something medically wrong with them it got taken care of. But, other than that, the second group of infants was completely ignored. None of them were ever shown any affection. They never got any compassion or emotion from their caretakers. Every single baby in the second group died.

Love and acceptance are needs. When we are really young we have to rely on others to love and accept us because we don't know how to love ourselves yet. In a perfect world this would be a simple and automatic procedure because we would all love one another unconditionally. There would be no ulterior motives and no reason to hold back that love from one another.

In the real world however, things do not work that way. Instead of loving one another unconditionally, people have expectations. When those expectations are not met, love and acceptance are usually held back. The problem with this way of doing things is that everyone has different expectations. We all see the world slightly differently.

It becomes some kind of a sick mind game trying to meet the expectations of every person we meet so that we can get that affection that we so desperately desire. It is not possible to please everybody. In fact, most of the time it is not possible to please more than one or two people at a time.Each person has their own version of how you should be and it includes just about every adjective in the dictionary.

Thinner, taller, wider, older, more muscular, chubbier, tanner, whiter, younger, quicker, longer hair, less hair(facial or otherwise), different eyes, a smaller nose or mouth, more ghetto, less country, more Asian, or less European just to name a few physical attributes. Then there are all of the skills, talents and abilities that you have or don't have and all the choices that you make or don't make (fashion or otherwise) that don't match every other person's ideal version of you.

A person will literally go crazy attempting to please everyone. But, we need love and acceptance to survive, so what should we do? Well, there are two answers to that and both are important.

The first is, if you are old enough to read and understand these words then, you are old enough to love and accept yourself. Since you have been with yourself your whole life, you are equipped to have realistic expectations about yourself.  And, even if you fail to meet them, you can choose to love yourself anyways while you work on meeting said expectations.

The second is to pick a small group of people, some family and friends, who have similar expectations of you that you will do your best to meet. Ideally, they should be people that will love and care for you even when you fail because none of us is perfect and there will be times where that happens. These should be people with your best interests in mind and flexible enough to realize that what they think is best and what is best for you are not always the same.

Then, while there is no need to be rude or disrespectful, you can pretty much just ignore what the rest of the world thinks about you, good or bad. Just let it all go. None of it matters. A single person can give you all the love and affection that you will ever need. And you are a single person.

Set expectations

Have you ever seen one of those episodes of Star Trek where the Enterprise is in seriously deep trouble and the captain calls on the head of Engineering to come up with a miracle? It happens quite often.  If you've watched more than four or five episodes you probably know what I 'm talking about. And each time the response is something to the effect of "I'll do my best captain but even under normal circumstances it would take twice as long as the amount of time that we have in order to get it done"

But every time, Engineering pulls through and gets the job done in the nick of time. How does that happen? Well, because that's how the script is written of course, but what's the "real" reason?. In one of the movies though, the secret is explained. And the answer is to always overestimate the amount of time that it takes to get the job done by twenty to thirty percent. That way when you get it done in less time, you look like a miracle worker, especially if you managed to pull through in a highly stressful situation.

There is a powerful lesson to be learned here that we can use in our everyday lives. People have expectations. If you fail to meet those expectations, they find that they have less and less need or use for you. If you meet their expectations, the status quo is maintained and they continue to have use for you, until someone who comes along that is better. But, if you consistently blow their expectations away, they will be so pleased with your work that they will actively advertise your services to others and do everything that they can to get you to keep working for them as well.

So, set their expectations. Tell them what the average amount of time to do the job is. Tell them that you can probably do it in ten percent less time and then do it in half that amount of time. Or throw in a couple of optional things as freebies. It's a little balancing act. You want to make it look like nobody can do what they want done in the time available, but that you are still the best man for the job. Whatever it is, go over the top. Do it better and faster than your competition can. And then, don't brag about it, but do let your customer know, that you did the best job possible because you value them as a customer.

It doesn't matter if you are an auto mechanic, if you run a print shop or if you do telemarketing for a living. No matter what product or service you provide the community, if you do a higher quality job, in less time at a competitive price, your services will always be in high demand.

If you don't go out of your way to set up the expectations that other people have of you, people will make up their own based on assumptions that they have about you and they will hardly ever be as good for you in the long run. And this works in every area of your life of course, not just work. People should know ahead of time what to expect from you in a given situation so they know whether or not they can count on you for whatever it is that they happen to need at that moment.