One of the biggest problems we face, as individuals, living in this world is getting along with others. Most if not all of the time this is due to one form or another of miscommunication. There are two main reasons for these communication breakdowns.
The first is the other person does not understand what it is that we are saying. Either they think they do so they don't ask probing questions to clarify the situation. Or they know they have no idea what you are talking about but don't want to or are afraid to ask. So they make assumptions based on what they think it is that you might have meant. And then things get screwed up beyond all recognition. That is not what I want to talk about today though.
What I want to talk about is probably the most common reason for miscommunication between two or more people. Dishonesty. In the past we have discussed little white lies, like does this dress make me look fat or was dinner to your liking? We have also talked about the way our minds distort, delete and generalize incoming data, causing us to not accurately remember most of what happens in our lives. (Yay documentation) .
But, there is a third way in which we are dishonest with both ourselves and every other person in our lives. It happens to pretty much all of us, though most of us are completely unaware that it happens, even while it is happening.What am I talking about? I could just tell you, and I will. But first I am going to share with you a couple of examples.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are asked by someone you live with to take the trash out. You don't want to do this chore, especially not right now. You are in the middle of watching a show on the TV that you are very interested in. The person isn't going to go away until you say something though. So, you agree to do it after the show is over.
Finally, it has been three hours since you were asked to take out the trash. The show you were watching has come and gone, as have several others. You are tired and go to bed. The next morning, the person who asked you to take out the trash last night comes to you and begins to tear into you. Why didn't you do what you said you were going to do they ask? You tell them you forgot. While technically true, this isn't the truth.
Another example. You and some friends have been looking forward to a night out on the town for some time. At the last moment your spouse reminds you that you agreed to drive your eldest child, a musical prodigy, four hours to his/her late evening audition for Juilliard, today. You bail on your friends. They of course get mad and want to know why you didn't hang out with them. You tell them that you had no choice. You had to take your child to the appointment. Again, there is truth to your excuse, but it still isn't really the truth.
See, the truth is that in both circumstances, you had choices. In the first, you broke an agreement you didn't want to keep and in the second you broke one you wanted to keep and kept one you may or may not have wanted to keep. The real truth is, we as people, all of us, do what we want and do not do what we do not want to.
Now, before you blast that statement back to the Stone Age, let's be clear on what I mean when I say want. Every single one of us has wants and desires. We know what it is that makes us happy and what its that we want to spend most of our time doing. In most cases however, we spend the majority of our time doing things that are not on the list of things that we want to do. Why is this?
Well, its called obligation. We tell ourselves that we aren't doing what we want because of other things that we say that we have to do. We say that we have no choice in the matter. And that is the simple convenient lie that we tell ourselves and other people. It is how we victimize ourselves. But, it isn't true.
No comments:
Post a Comment