Have you ever gotten in trouble for doing something you weren't supposed to? Of course you have. At one time or another we all break the rules. Inevitably, some authority figure finds out and then it's time to pay the price.
Being punished isn't something we relish though. So, when you got caught, you probably attempted to defend yourself. You came up with a bunch of reasons to justify what you did or to lessen the "badness" of your action(s).
Does that ever really work? No, almost never. What happens instead is that you get all self righteous about things and that makes the other person who knows that what you did was wrong even more upset.
When you put on your armor and begin setting up your defenses it encourages other people to take up the offensive.
A few years back, Eminem starred in the movie 8 Mile which was a somewhat autobiographical accounting of his life. Throughout the movie there are a series of rap battles. Now in these battles a rapper has a certain amount of time to win over an audience and then a 2nd rapper is given the microphone and tries win them over to their side with their witty rhymes.
The content of these battles is usually disparaging remarks about the other rapper and positive things about oneself. For most of the movie Eminem's character would freeze up and he was constantly made fun of by the other rappers. But, at one point he decides he has had enough and he is out for blood. He is winning this one no matter what.
Does he go out there and tear into the other guy, verbally eviscerating him? Nope. Instead he goes out and rhymes all the negative derogatory things that he can think of about himself. He admits everything that the other guy is thinking and planning on saying.
The result? The other guy, the supposed best rapper in the area, had nothing to say. Eminem took all the wind out of his sails. He was planning on saying a bunch of negative things about Eminem, but if he did, he would just sound like some lame copycat. So he concedes and Eminem wins.
If we break a rule and attempt to get out of the punishment by denying it or defending why we did it, quite often the punishment will be even more severe than if we had said nothing at all. But if we break the rule, acknowledge it and are clear that we agree with and honestly accept the punishment, others are less inclined to want to punish us for the infraction.
The lesson here is that when someone one else comes gunning for us, figuratively, if we pull out the big guns and fire away at ourselves, others find there is no reason for their attack. We are already telling them that we know why they have come and we agree with them.
Think about it. There are two kids. Both steal a cookie from the cookie jar. One says "I took the cookie because I think I should be able to have three a day instead of the two you have been giving me" The other says "I took the cookie. I know what I did was wrong. My tummy was telling me I was hungry but I should have gotten something else. What is my punishment?
The first child directly questions your decisions. The second freely admits guilt and knows what to do in the future to prevent a reoccurrence. Who do you want to punish?
When others see all the ammunition we unload on ourselves, without any attempt or pretext at any kind of defense whatsoever, often they will join our side and do what they can to cushion the blows.
Contrary to popular belief, people subconsciously want to defend those who are defenseless and attack those that are defending.
No comments:
Post a Comment