Is it important to be punctual?

Before getting around to the answer to this question, first, what does punctual mean? No, I assure you, it does not mean using question marks, commas and exclamation points in the right places. That is proper usage of punctuation and while that is a very important part of communication, it is not what this topic is about.

Being punctual simply means being on time for whatever engagement you have agreed to arrive for. On time, not two hours late, not thirty, ten  or even one minute late. You don't have to be an hour early, but if you are even one minute late, then you are not on time.

So, what? You're a few minutes late. Who cares right? It's not that big of a deal is it? Well that depends on what kind of message you are attempting to send the person you have the agreement with.

See, most people spend nearly the entirety of their life attempting to increase the amount of money that they have. We all have monthly bills and it seems like money is a limited commodity. It isn't though. Through creativity and hard work you can acquire more and more money. Even so,  there is more money in the world than you could ever hope to accumulate. And even if that weren't the case, we can always just print more. Money is nothing but a symbol.

Time on the other hand is different. There is an infinite amount of time, but not for each person. Each person only has so much time in their life. Whether you measure it in breaths, heartbeats or minutes, a person will only ever have so much. 

And every moment that a person wastes waiting for you to show up is a moment that they cannot get back no matter what happens. You can offer to "make it up" to them but there is truly nothing a person can offer that is equal to not having that time anymore. So, every single time that you are late, you are stealing time from someone else. You are stealing life, just like a vampire, but without the fangs.

Not only that, but you are telling the other person just how selfish you really are. You are telling them that you don't care about them and what matters to them. You are telling them that whatever it is that you are doing that is making you late is more important than whatever it is that they wanted to do.
Is being punctual important? I can't decide that for you. I guess it depends on what kind of message you want to send to others. For me it is important.  Theft of vitae + massive disrespect seems like a recipe for loneliness to me.

To be fair, life is complicated and it is not always possible to keep your commitments exactly as they are scheduled. But if one event is running over and keeping you from the next thing that you are supposed to be doing, common courtesy is to let the next person waiting on you know what is going on and whether or not to still expect you or if you need to reschedule, before you are late not after.

Why am I always sharing someone elses work?

By now, you may have noticed that a lot of the things that I tend to talk about are direct quotes from movies, books or TV or are things that I think about those things. You may be wondering why. Don't I have any original thoughts? Can't I come up with my own ideas?

Wise King Solomon said there is nothing new under the sun. As far as inventions and creature comforts i disagree. Science is coming up with new things that we never had before all the time. But when it comes to traditions and philosophy, you know, what we think, how we think it and how we choose to run our lives, he was right on the money.

Right and wrong. Morals and ethics. Ways that one can behave. There are millions of them and they don't change over time. All there is is all there ever was or ever will be. Although it may not seem like it sometimes, all things are reflections of other things. And in every little thing is at least one lesson we can learn about life. It may be how to improve ourselves or our lives or things we can suggest to others, but everything no matter how small is important.

When I was in school, I was never a big fan of history because I didn't care about what happened in the past. I just cared about my future. I learned with time that the events of the past are important to know, if we don't want to be doomed to repeat them. It still isn't really important to me exactly when certain events happened just that I have a general idea of which happened before what and what caused those events. Knowing what happened isn't important if you don't know why it happened.

The world is full of a great many bad things such as, ignorance, hate, depression, angst, pain, war, terror, destruction, disease, famine and starvation to name a few. It is not all that hard to get swallowed up by the negatives and washed away into that sea of madness.

I know that focusing on the bad leads down that long dark spiral and that it is a lot harder to climb back out than it is to just keep moving up from where I am. So I look for tools of harmony and balance in everything I do. I am constantly on the look out for some new way to do things that is better than what I have done before. I endeavor to learn and experience and grow. And because it is what I am looking for, it is what I find. Everywhere all around me I find examples of how to live better and do better. Most importantly I learn what does and doesn't work in safe environments.

From role-playing games I get to create characters that have some of the same impulses that I do and see how those impulses play out without the harsh consequences of the real world. I get to be people that I might have been if I had made different life choices.  In ccg's I get to learn more about  strategy and the psychology behind meta-gaming as well as politics and social dynamics.

Through  books, movies, comics, blog posts and TV I get to see things from other people's perspectives. I get to see into the minds of the writers to understand the way they think as well as the way their characters think. I get to put myself into the shoes of each character and figure out what I would do in their situations and see how it differs from what the writer has them do or what the writer says.. I can reflect on the differences and learn why there are discrepancies between our points of view. I learn new ways to see old things or better ways of describing things that I have always said and done.

The world is not just a place of darkness. It is a place of light as well.There are just as many positive things as there are negative. Look for the love and the light and you will find it.

I believe that each person should live their life by example. What this means is that you should say and do the things that you believe people should say and do.  So when I quote someone else or share with you my thoughts on something that someone else has said or done these are things that I have taken into my life and made my own. I am suggesting that you do the same, but only if you think those things will work for you also.

Change the conversation

So, last time we talked about how resistance is futile. And it really is true. The more energy you put into defending yourself, the more fuel you feed your attackers. Yet how can we be master of our domains and lord and ruler over our lives if we can't "fight back"?

Well, you can, just not directly. If someone is attacking your character and saying or doing things to tarnish your reputation, the simplest easiest thing to do is just ignore it. Whatever attention you focus on denying the things that people say about you just brings more attention to the fact that someone is claiming negative things about you.

People, in general, do not really care about the truth. They are going to believe whatever they want to believe. Bearing this fact in mind, it should come as no surprise that the more people there are that hear a negative thing about you, the more people there are that will believe that thing, no matter how strong your evidence to the contrary is.

If you feel that it is absolutely necessary to respond to the accusations of others it should be something that you state briefly and simply, no complex explanations. Remember people don't care. You either are guilty or you aren't and what you say about it isn't going to change their opinions.

Then move on to more important business. Most of the time that will be enough. Occasionally however, something more is needed. This next bit is something that I learned a long time ago but was reminded of recently, while watching an episode of the hit TV show Mad Men.

The show is about an advertising agency in the 1960's on Madison Avenue in New York. Most of the show is seen from the perspective of legendary ad man Don Draper, who is the ultra charismatic face man for the company. 

Season 3 episode 2 opens up with a meeting the agency is having with some of the guys that are developing the land that will be turned into Madison Square Garden. It comes up in the meeting that there are dozens of articles that have been printed in the New York Times about how terrible this building project is for the community. They go so far as to toe the line of defamation of character, calling the developers all kinds of unsavory things and claiming that they intend harm to both the neighborhood and the country.

Nothing fruitful comes out of that meeting. But later on in the episode Don Draper has a business dinner with one of the developers and he hits upon the perfect solution. He says " If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." He goes on to point out that there is no reason to respond to the negative things that are being said. Instead he mentions that New York City is in a state of decay and that the Madison Square Garden project can be part of a new beginning for New York.
They decide to move forward by talking about the good instead of focusing on the bad.

That is a lesson that I think more people should learn. Regardless of how good or bad of a person you are, people are going to say and think bad things about you. But, if at every possible opportunity you change the conversation to something good (and true) then the people that want to believe good things about you will. And you really can't do anything about the others anyway. 

Resistance is futile

The Borg. They are a recurring "alien" race on various Star Trek TV shows. These people are basically humanoid but have had certain hardware bonded to their bodies such that they are a truly fascinating amalgamation of flesh and technology. They are truly bio-mechanical beings that can easily survive in hostile environments that would kill most people. The Borg have existed for millenia and spend their time flying around the galaxy assimilating other races and technologies.

They have a hive mind and each individual that becomes part of the collective adds to their pool of knowledge and resources. So, they have the might and technological know-how of trillions of people collected over thousands of years. The Borg can operate for days on end without tiring, have no fear and can adapt almost instantly to any type of attack, preventing the same thing from ever working on them twice.

These people have nowhere else to be other than wherever they happen to be at the moment and can always focus their entire time and attention to the current goal. It is their belief that given enough time they cannot fail and will always overwhelm their opponents in the end. You may win a battle with the Borg, but you will not win the war. They know this because they have thousands of years of history showing this to be true.

So their catchphrase is that resistance is futile. They have more time, resources and knowledge than you. Eventually, you will either give in or die. And with very few exceptions they are right.

I think of this when people are resisting things that are happening in their lives. Some things can be avoided or deflected in other directions. Some things though are unavoidable, things like the passage of time, the death of a loved one, someone falling out of love with you or the loss of your job once the decision to cut you loose has been made. Resisting and or denying those things doesn't get you anywhere. It often makes you look foolish to others, never makes the situation better and often makes it much worse.

A few years ago, a friend of mine in Lifespring had a phrase that kinda stuck with me. He used to say what you resist persists. At first I didn't get it. But, after some thought it started to make sense. When we spend time and energy resisting something, an equal amount of time and energy somehow ends up getting put into resisting us back . Think about it.

If someone tells you that they want you to stop wearing black shoes and you want to wear black shoes, you will automatically resist their request. You may have ten other pairs of shoes that are not black, but suddenly the desire to wear any other color is gone. You will wear your black shoes because who are they to tell you what to wear? The other person will see your black shoes and whether they say anything or not, their energy towards you will change.

They will likely become hostile or even aggressive at times when there doesn't seem like any rhyme or reason for it. A completely unnecessary mini war breaks out between the two of you over why you should or shouldn't be allowed to wear your black shoes. The whole thing could be avoided by you simply wearing different shoes, or by finding out the reason for the complaint and maybe coming to some compromise. But when we put energy into defending a thing, we are signaling to others, even if we don't mean to be, that we want them to be aggressive. What we see as a thing intended to protect us from attack others often see as a request for an attack, a challenge if you will.

So, while just giving in isn't really a viable option neither is fighting. Resistance is futile. Its just like running from a bear. Don't bother. You will just die tired.

Beyond Good and Evil pt2

So no I don't believe our choices make us good or bad people. But now for the part where I kind of do.

As children we are all blank slates. We start out from nothing with no knowledge of good or bad with no record of past successes or failures. We are filled with love for all people and all things. We have only one desire, one hope, one craving, to be loved back. And this is where most parents screw up.

When we yell at our children, we are voicing our disapproval with them. To them, when we do so, we are holding back our love or making it conditional on their behavior. Unless we are very careful and very specific we may unknowingly cause permanent harm to both their ego and their future lives.

A typical response to not liking something that a child is doing is to say that they are being bad. The problem with this is that even though you may realize that what you mean is the child is taking an action that you do not approve of, what they hear is that they ARE bad. Everyone knows that good people are loved and bad people are not. So when you tell the child that they are being bad, you are both declaring that they are a bad person and that you do not love them.

Now remember the whole blank slate concept? While an adult is free to decide for themselves what they think based on the input from others, a child has no such freedom. When children are young they have no concept of self other than what we give to them. So when we tell them that they are bad we are telling them that we don't love them and that they aren't worth loving.

An adult can just shrug that off. And to some degree, if it is just something that happens once a child may as well. But with repeated instances of the same type of thing, over time, eventually, the child will agree with you, even if it is just subconsciously.

Once that happens that person's whole life has been messed up. Because they see themselves as a bad person not worthy of love they will, without ever consciously thinking about it, make choices that support that theory. They will say and do things that cause other people to agree that they are bad and not worth loving. This leads to such fun things as drug abuse, other criminal activities, depression and suicide.

All that just from yelling at our kids? Should we let them just run rampant and do whatever they want? No that is really not an option either. So? What to do?

Well, as i said earlier you need to be very careful with what you say and how you go about it. Telling your child that they are bad or being bad is not the way. Comparing their actions with someone that is bad is often a better choice. While it may seem the same to you, it is not the same to them.

Explain to them that the action that they are taking is not a good action and that a person that wants to be good would not take that action. Reason it out and give them the choice of whether they want to be like a good person or like a bad person. Remember children are not idiots. They are simply younger less experienced versions of adults. Good, to them means loved. Bad, to them means unloved and unlovable. Most of the time, if  shown proper love and understanding and given the opportunity, they will make the right choice.

So to sum up, our good or bad choices do not make us good or bad people, unless we believe that they do. And that belief is harmful to us because it locks us into the framework of our routines. We are all just making our way through life making the best choices we can, some better than others. Very few people, if any are the maniacally cackling reveling in their badness kind of evil.

It makes for a good story though.

Beyond Good and Evil pt1

Nearly a year ago I talked about definitions for good and evil and how often one or the other is subjective due to circumstance. An action that is good for one may be bad for another and vice versa. At the time I promised more on the subject. However, there was so much more I wanted to say about other things that it got pushed aside. Today I am back for more on the topic.

Many stories, in both print and digital format have clearly defined boundaries. The presence or lack thereof of a character's moral fiber is easy to see. You often know from the very beginning who is the "good" guy and who is the bad. I am of course talking about classic tales of good and evil, things like Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood, Godzilla and other such fairy tales.

Life however isn't really much like those stories. Sure many of the components are there, romance, conflict and even the choices to do good or bad things. But, do those choices make us good or bad people? No, not really. And yes absolutely depending on your point of view. Seeing things as polarized, as black or white means ignoring all the colors in between. There is so much more but we often choose not to see it. So, of course, with any question where I answer on both sides of the fence more explanation is required.

Things happen during our daily lives. They don't happen to us. They just happen and we happen to be there when they do. During our lifetime we have a collection of things that we decide to do based on what the things are that happen. Some of those choices are good for us. Others are bad. Some of the choices that are good for us are good for others and some of them are bad for others. We are not the accumulation of all of these things. The accumulation of all these things is called experience. We are not our experiences. They are simply things that are in our past that we can use to assist us in choosing what to do in the future.

A person that has made many good choices in the past is often viewed as a good person especially if those choices have positively affected others. Conversely a person who has made many bad choices is often viewed as a bad person. These labels are not fair because they simply represent what we decided to do at given points in our lives. Other people do not live inside our heads. They do not know what went into making those decisions. So they are not qualified to judge. Also, and more importantly, at any given moment we are free to make new choices and take new actions that do not match those of what we have done in the past.

Think for a moment about a person who has been arrested for robbing a bank. Most people from that point on think of that person as a criminal. They see that person as someone that cannot be trusted. They did it once they will just do it again, right? Many times people that do these things are desperate. They know what they are doing is wrong but don't see any other option.  And after spending time in jail for their failure many of them would never attempt anything so foolish again.

Me vs Us versus Them

In this world, we are taught at a young age that it is a man eat man, dog eat dog, everyone for himself kind of situation. We are instructed to look out for number one and not worry too much about anyone else. We are told you have to look out for yourself because nobody else will. And let's face it, who cares about anyone else as long as you get yours, right?

This seems like a sound strategy, at first, as long as you don't really think about it. But once you do, you will realize that it can't really work for everyone. Sure, it works for some but it can't work for everyone. The only people who are going to get what they want are the ones that are willing to beat down or deprive others, those willing to force their way through and take from others so that they can have what they want.

Some examples of the extremes of this type of thinking being the general way of life are places like Somalia and some of the  Middle East. You have a few bullies and bad boys, those that are strong or powerful enough to live at the top of the food chain and everyone else suffers. Even most of those in the middle and bottom rungs of society are still only looking out for themselves. They just don't have the will or the means to get where they want to be.

It is not just those places where that mentality really doesn't work though. It really doesn't work anywhere. Why should anyone ever be willing to give you what you want if you aren't going to give them something in return? If you are not looking out for their interests there is no reason for them to look out for yours.

Once you start looking out for other people's interests as well as your own, things start to change a bit. Then it is no longer you against the world. You become part of a team and it is then us against the world. While there are more concerns with more people, there is more power as well. More people can do more work faster and handle more obstacles than each individual alone could ever hope to do.  Sure you will need to make concessions and compromises. But once others see that you are willing to do so, most of the time, they will as well.

Besides, the word us brings with it a kind of tingly warm and fuzzy feeling. You are no longer alone in looking out for your best interests. And that, in and of itself is a very rewarding feeling.

Us vs Them is better than Me vs the World. But, it still bears with it many of the same problems, just on a larger scale. In the Us vs Them scenario, it is your whole group vs the people and problems that you encounter that are not a part of "us" Because there are more of you, it is easier to force your way through and to simply push people and obstacles aside. As you do this though, you make enemies of "them". Then "they" are more likely to put up resistance with each further encounter. Sometimes this resistance will hardly even be noticeable. Other times it may threaten to destroy all that you have worked so hard to obtain.

The only really viable way to prevent this is to always or at least whenever possible create scenarios that work for all involved so that everyone gets what they want or at least the closest reasonable proximity.

You may not all live in the same place or have exactly the same goals, but if you are all looking out for each other each willing to make compromises for the other, there is no reason not to work together to make sure you all get what you want.

This way, each time, you fold more and more people into the us category, until you run out of people opposed to you. As opposition disappears and your goals become easier to achieve, Us vs Them will gradually work itself into We vs Nobody.

And We vs Nobody truly is the best system.