The grudge

So, a friend or loved one does something you strongly disapprove of. Perhaps they lie to or cheat on you. You could decide that they have hurt you enough and you no longer want them to be around. But, you do still love the person and want them to be a part of your life.

So even though they wronged you, you decide not to break off the relationship. Instead you decide that you are going to get back at them by making life uncomfortable for them. Each time you see them or spend time with them you remind them that you are still angry or upset. You hold back favors or nice things that you would normally do for them. There. That will show them. Right?

Well, maybe. But probably not. I mean yeah, there's that feeling of righteous vindication that you may get from punishing someone that has done something wrong to you. How long does that really last though, only a few seconds right? And then afterwards where does that leave you with your loved one?

The reason you decided not to end the relationship in the first place is because you love that person and want to be around them. You enjoy each others company. How can that happen while you are busy constantly punishing them for past wrongs? You aren't showing love for them by holding a grudge. And they certainly aren't being inspired to show love for you by the repeated negative energy you send their way.

But, let's take things a step further. Remove the other person from the equation. In order to hold a grudge you have to hold on to negative energy. You have to keep it around. It may not be there every second of the day, but it will come up every time you see or think about that person. Time and energy that could be focused on happier things are wasted holding the grudge.

The thing is you can't just punish the other person without reminding yourself about the whole painful circumstance in the first place. So, for example, let's say you think about this grudge nine times per day and you see the person that you are angry at once per day. That means that at least ten times per day, you get to re-experience all of the negativity. But no matter how strongly negative your reaction is when you see the other person, the only time you can guarantee that they are thinking about the "bad" thing that they did to you is during that one time you see them during the day.

You suffer ten times, they suffer once. Who are you punishing again? Due to the fact that you have to re-experience the bad every time you interact with the other person that you are holding a grudge against, it is always, without fail, going to hurt you more to hold a grudge than it does the other person.

If you want your life to be filled with pain and suffering, well that's fine then. Hold as many grudges as you want. If you don't, there has to be a better way than either holding a grudge or just letting them walk all over you, right? There is.

First take some time to calm down and think clearly. Then have a conversation with the other person. Keep your cool and remain peaceful. Explain what the other person did to hurt you and how it made you feel. Forgive them for the pain they caused you. Inform them of this forgiveness. Then, make it clear and in no uncertain terms how future abuses of your love will be handled.

You may not have wanted to end your relationship over a single hurt that they caused you. But multiple similar hurts show that maybe they don't feel as strongly for you as you do for them. Or perhaps, depending on how exactly it is that they hurt you, police involvement may be the next step. The bottom line is that the other person needs to know you love and want them around but that you are not a doormat and that you will stand up for yourself.

Holding a grudge isn't healthy. Talking things over and working things out is. My advice is here to assist you in making your life better. I am not telling you what to do, just providing different options. As always it is your choice how you decide to handle things.